Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

Ambivalence

"You're so quiet. Bella?"

I really hadn't noticed much of anything in the last 30 or so minutes in the car. So many things ran through my mind all at once. The sun was quickly dropping out of sight as trees and houses covered each other in long shadows. The scenery around me sped past my window zipping by at alarming speeds. Mom and Edward should race...just once, I mused.

Going south to Jacksonville now, I really wasn't paying attention to where we were anymore. "When you're ready, it'll work in ways even you may not expect." What did she mean by that? It was like she was talking in code or something. It was the same feeling I got when I'd talk to Alice. When talking to her or even Edward, and now this lady, it's always like they know something I don't know. It was kind've annoying really. I mean, I'm not a child, why can't people just tell me things as they happen - bad news or not? Feeling really annoyed at the way the world works, I suddenly came to realize something.

"Huh? Did you say something?"

"Bella? I've been trying to talk to you," Mom replied, exasperated.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I guess I was out of it for a minute."

"Just a little," she said sarcastically.

I went quiet again. There were so many things on the tip of my tongue I wanted to discuss, but I somehow didn't know where to start. Mainly, because nearly all of it had to do with things I'm not allowed to discuss with anyone. The less she knows the better, I rationalized.

"What's on your mind?" she asked.

Oh dear. I didn't factor in just how nosy she could be. This was going to be tricky.

"Not much, um, I just was thinking about today's events is all."

The oncoming car's headlights revealed a smile on her face. "I'm glad you liked it. I'm also glad you were able to come. I've been wanting to take you since we moved here, but it always seemed like there was some big thing you were going through."

I grew quiet again. She was so right. I guess I had been avoiding her, but in my defense it has been an eventful year and a half.

"So what's really on your mind? I know there's more to it."

Exhaling hard, I just couldn't find the one lie that would satisfy her.

"You know," mom continued, "we've never really discussed the wedding. Does it have anything to do with that?"

"A little."

She mulled this over. "What's troubling you, Bella? I have my theories, but I'd rather hear it from you."

"I'd rather hear your theories." Although I was stalling, I was genuinely interested.

"Well the first and most obvious one I have is I think the wedding scares you; that's my first guess. I'm just going by the invite Alice was kind enough to send me, of course."

I was confused. "Edward and I sent you that invite," I corrected.

"Oh please! Your name may be on it and you may have sealed it and licked the stamp, but that's the only thing of you on that invitation, Bella. Quite frankly, although it was very beautiful and artfully done - it looks like a stranger planned the whole thing right down to the weird little wisps of tissue paper and envelope upon envelope of even more decadent paper. Since when are you interested in any of that? You've changed but you haven't changed that much."

"I guess I have let Alice have free rein on the whole thing, but it's only because I didn't even want…" I stopped suddenly. I felt the warmth creep into my face. "Uh, I, I just didn't want to make a fuss is all and a big wedding is important to Edward's family so I guess I caved, that's all." I felt like I was just barely hanging on. Is it getting stuffy in here?

"Edward's family." She repeated. She was mulling something over again.

"What?"

"What about you, Bella? What's your say in this whole thing?"

"I've told you what I want, and why."

"I know what you said. I want to know what you want."

I didn't know how to answer her question. Then she asked an even harder one: "Do you really want to get married, Bella? Really?"

I managed to lie to her on the phone, I managed to avoid all conversations that were leading up to this, but sitting here in the safety and comfort of her car, I finally said aloud what she already seemed to know.

"No. Not really. I mean I do want to be with Edward, I do. I can't imagine life without him. But…"

She inhaled and exhaled deeply. She seemed relieved.

"Thank goodness," she said almost in a whisper.

"What? It doesn't change anything, the wedding is still on."

"I know, but your answer just now is the first time I feel like you were finally saying something. It wasn't a canned response. I've had a real bad feeling since that first phone call, Bella. But this felt like it really came from you. My Bella is still in there."

"Of course I am. I swear mom I haven't been taken over by alien pods or become a Stepford Wife or anything."

"That's good," she chuckled.

A few more miles passed before she spoke again.

"So what does Jake think of this whole thing?"

I think I literally jumped when she said his name.

"Uh, he's not too wild about it actually."

"Because… he's in love with you."

I was speechless. How does she do this? How do moms know things they shouldn't know? I turned to her, but couldn't quite face her, my eyes desperately trying not to reach hers. Maybe I was afraid she would see right through me.

"How? How could you know that?"

I could hear a smile cross her face, "Because I'm mom, I know everything. Oh, and Charlie filled me in on a few details." Before I could get a response out, she said, "But even if he hadn't I wasn't exactly shocked. I could tell something was up from your emails."

My emails. My brain scanned and suddenly remembered not only the contents of those emails, but the time period in which they were written; when Edward had left me.

"How do you feel about Jake, Bella?"

She was wanting a confidence but I wasn't sure she was ready to hear it. I wasn't sure I was ready to say it. Was I?

"He's my best friend. He saved me in every way important." I found myself smiling, but the more I spoke the harder it got. "I, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him." My eyes burned and I was glad she couldn't see me, but she could hear me. She reached for my hand and squeezed it.

That was the push I needed. I'd been hiding my feelings for so long, but talking to mom about Jake seemed to unburden me in a huge way. I felt such an immense rush of pent up emotion and release that I began to cry, hard. I covered my face as mom put her arm around me and pulled me over to her. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her such private personal things; for one thing I come off looking kind've bad in it, and for another thing I was worried what she would think of me. I'm not exactly blameless in all of this.

"Tell me everything, Bella. No matter what it is, tell me everything."

We still had an hour to go, but it took that whole hour and then another half an hour sitting in the car in the driveway for me to explain it as best I could, including my feelings for Jake. I had to omit the fantastical elements of course, e.g., vampires, werewolves, the Volturi etc. I was right, it was tricky but I somehow managed. It was while I was revealing our story that I really heard for the first time what our little soap opera sounded like to an outsider. It all seemed really, really small. In explaining it to someone not in the know of the reasons for the really tense situations, I realized our story just didn't hold up very well. It sounded like an episode on a cheesy 80's TV show.

"Really, that's it? Bella you're not doing a very good job of convincing me of your commitment to this marriage. I mean, not that you don't love him, I don't doubt that for a second, but it takes quite a bit more than that for this kind of commitment. This isn't a fairy tale where evil is vanquished and the princess is saved by her prince and they live happily ever after. Believe me I know! Haven't you ever wondered why they go into such detail about how the hero and the damsel in distress get together, but then completely leave out the rest in these stories?"

Great, another lecture. I didn't want another one, but I could tell she put some thought into this.

"All these romance stories are all keen on getting you interested in getting a boyfriend and getting married, like somehow that's going to solve all your problems. You're a smart girl, Bella, I know I've taught you better than that. You know it's not that simple. Jake's proof-positive of that.

"You can't marry Edward, Bella, not when you have such strong feelings for Jake. It's not fair to either of them and it's not fair to you. I appreciate Edward's tenacity for keeping himself and you chaste, believe me I do, but there's got to be another way. A compromise that doesn't involve a lifetime commitment that still makes you both happy."

"You know, most mothers try to stop their teenage daughters from having sex," I chided.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm not 'most mothers', and it would be different if you were 15, but you're not, you're almost 19. I'm not naive, Bella. Believe it or not, I came to terms with your potential sex life a loooong time ago. Waiting is a wonderful, beautiful notion and if you can manage it as a young couple that's amazing and inspiring. But frankly, I'm surprised you waited this long. Remember when we talked about birth control and all that? What, you think I enjoyed that? I was cringing the whole time, but I was just being realistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving you permission to do the whole football team, but I remember very well what teenage hormones can do."

"Mom!"

"What? It's true. I mean, what do you think your father and I were like when we were your age? We couldn't get enough of each other."

"Ewww, Mom! Come on, no one wants to hear that!" I bellowed, covering my ears.

She was chuckling pretty hard now. I was cringing.

"Bella, you've told me an awful lot of how you feel for Edward, but so far, nothing to convince me this is the right choice for you. I just don't feel your commitment to this. You have options, Bella, many, many options but you keep treating this as if there's only one."

It would probably all make more sense if I could just tell her everything. I really had to bite my tongue.

"Charlie's told me all about Jacob, what sort of person he is, his character, how you are with him. I like Edward, I do, but I like Jacob, too. I haven't even met him and I like him. Do you know why? Because Charlie said and I noticed it too, that Jacob brings out your spirit. You're already giving up so much, it just seems really one-sided, I mean, what's Edward giving up? And don't bother pretending you're fine. Your nightmares, your jitteriness; I've never seen you so on edge, ever. It's affecting you, don't pretend. You look exhausted, Bella, like you haven't slept in weeks. Your body's trying to tell you something. Maybe you should listen."

"What? What's it trying to say?"

"That when it comes to getting married you have to just know. It can't be something you talk yourself into, it shouldn't be something you have to weigh the pros and cons against and it should never be for the other person just to make them happy. You have to be 100% committed to this and everything your body is showing me shows you're not."

Mom's right. I am exhausted, probably another reason why I'm so emotional. There was so much stuff swirling around in my head I just couldn't keep it all straight anymore.

"I'm done, I just wanted to have my say," mom said.

"I appreciate your candidness, you're one of the few people who actually just tells it like it is to me, without editing yourself to protect me. But it's too late. It's taken on a life of its own now. Invitations have been RSVP'd, gifts have come in, the cake's been ordered, Alice's dress is finally finished…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let me explain something to you. You can cancel at ANY time, Bella. It's Your wedding, YOUR life. Don't worry about anyone else."

"But so much planning went into this. Edward would be so disappointed and… I don't know what's going to happen to us if I don't go through with this?"

"Bella, he's a big boy, and he loves you. He'll deal with whatever you decide. Alice will just have to find another project, maybe get a little therapy if it comes down to it, but you are not getting married just 'cause you don't want to inconvenience anyone. That's the worst reason yet and I won't allow it!"

Can it be? Can I really do this? What happens to my relationship once I call this off? A big part of me wants to go through with it for Edward's even Alice's sake, but if that's the right course why did I just feel a 10,000 lb. weight being lifted off of me? It's just two weeks till the wedding. Do I have the strength to do this?

"I think I'm more confused than ever. I don't know."

"I do. Bella, I was where you are now once upon a time. All my instincts told me what to do but I ignored them. I don't regret Charlie, Bella. I don't. He was the nicest boy in our class and he tried, Bella, he really tried. I did too. But the more I tried, the more I left behind who I really was. What I really wanted. I didn't even recognize or like the new me, and that scared me. I just went through the motions to make him happy. I wasn't brave enough to stop it from happening and my ambivalence just ended up hurting people, Charlie especially. I think about that all the time."

She sniffed. I saw a tear roll down her cheek that she quickly wiped away.

"It's not either/or. You can still be with Edward, Bella. You can still love each other, be there for each other, go to school together. Or not. Just whatever. Figure it out as you go. Maybe you can even get your feelings for Jacob figured out, too."

She makes it sound so easy, but doing what I know I need to do is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Just thinking about it made me feel queasy.

"Let's go in, huh? I don't know about you but all of a sudden I'm real tired," mom said.

"Okay."

After that night and for the rest of the trip, while I still tossed and turned, occasionally dreaming strange things, the nightmares mercifully stopped.

A/N: I'm sure you're probably all wondering why so much emphasis is placed on Bella. It's probably because she has the most to learn. It's also because it all seems to begin and end with her. It wouldn't be much of a story without our heroine and it would be a shame if she never learns and grows from her mistakes. We've all made them, we've all learned the hard way, why not her? And FYI, there will be one more chapter highlighting Bella (just one more epiphany to go), then the next will be about Jacob leaving for Hawaii. Also, don't worry about where certain plot devices are leading, I haven't forgotten them. I'll use every single one, no holes will be left behind, I promise. Thanks for sticking around! :D.