Remus wasn't quite sure of all the details but he was certain it all began with chemical warfare.
He'd been down for his usual set of potions in the hospital wing and was just heading up to the Gryffindor common room. The day leading up to the full moon always left him tired and achy, and like an old man, the pain in his joints was only made worse in the cold weather. Silently rehearsing his excuse for the lads, he gave the password to the fat lady and stepped through the portrait hole just in time to watch as Peter leapt up from the couch by the fire and raced upstairs.
Remus' gaze slid from Peter's rapidly retreating back towards James, who sat finishing off some Charms homework as though nothing unusual had happened. James glanced up at him, an odd sort of expression on his face. Remus couldn't quite place the look until he realized it was carefully blank, a foreign expression for James Potter. He felt nervous, even as James went back to his homework.
"What's wrong with Peter?" he asked, when it was clear James wasn't going to say anything.
"Sirius was upset with him." James replied, not even bothering to look up.
"I didn't think that would be so upsetting for Peter. It usually isn't." Remus looked rather concerned as he glanced back towards the boys' staircase. "Should we say something to him?"
James snorted as he dipped his quill into his inkwell. "You can, but I wouldn't go up there just now."
"Why? Do you reckon he's having a cry or something?"
"No, he's got the shits."
"…Oh."
They'd recently been given an assignment in potions to brew the simpler remedies that had been developed and influenced by chemical warfare during World War I, but Sirius had decided to submit a laxative potion as his project. When asked why, Sirius had replied that had these been used on enemy forces there'd have been no war as everyone would be too busy having bowel movements.
He later demonstrated this by sneaking half a vial of the concoction into a pitcher of pumpkin juice at the Slytherin table that evening. Ever since then, Sirius kept as small vial of the potion in his pocket. "For emergency response to gits," he'd said.
James stopped writing long enough to look up at Remus and give him a smirk. "I wouldn't worry for Peter if I were you. Sirius has first dibs on the bathroom tonight."
"Oh," Remus paused to consider that irony. "Gross." he replied, appreciatively. He set his knapsack down next to the spot Peter had abandoned and took out his own books.
"All set for tomorrow then?" James asked.
Remus froze, a flare of panic striking him stupid for a moment. "What?"
"For tomorrow," James continued, when Remus remained quiet. "You said you need to look up something for Potions tomorrow. Yes?"
"Yes!" Remus sputtered. "Yes, of course. It was on Brackford's law for-"
"Please!" James interrupted with a pained look. "Isn't it enough we'll be taking the exam tomorrow? Must we talk about it in our spare time as well?"
Remus chuckled, relief turning it a bit strained. And though James gave him a rather puzzled look he didn't pursue it like he would have with Sirius. Remus was relieved and, deep down in a place he never looked at too closely, also slightly disappointed.
The portrait hole banged open and they both looked up to find Sirius walking toward them with a look of annoyance on his patrician face. He exchanged a look with James and Remus couldn't help the feeling he was being left out of something. He brushed it off as his own paranoia as Sirius took in Peter's absence and Remus' appearance.
"And where have you been?" James demanded. "You missed Peter. I thought you liked viewing the result of your dirty work."
"Forget about that, we've got to get into the potions storeroom tomorrow night. Sluggy's guarding the place like the royal treasury." Sirius scowled as he threw himself into the armchair next to Remus.
"What do you need potion ingredients for?" Remus asked.
"Because Peter's a tosspot and had to knock over my supply of laxative potion, so now I've got to do the whole thing over again."
James rolled his eyes. "Hasn't it gotten old by now? We can't afford to be so predictable; it's bad for our image."
Sirius' mouth opened to retort but stopped as they all watched Peter slowly make his way down the boys' staircase, a disgruntled look on his face. Halfway down he froze and turned to race back up the stairs.
"Nope," Sirius said. "Still hasn't gotten old. So! Tomorrow, we'll have a go at the store room, yeah?"
James let out a much put upon sigh. "Fine, but only because you amuse me."
Remus hesitated. What evasion could he offer up this time? The boys always did their mischief during dinner or long after. If he was lucky he might be able to squeeze it in before nightfall. Remus regarded the fire doubtfully as the old familiar fear and panic rose up to do a meet and greet in his chest. He hid his expression before James or Sirius could comment by ducking down to pull a fresh quill from his bag.
They all got to work on various assignments but the ensuing companionable silence did nothing to lesson his mood, and by the time Peter joined them he was in such a state he could barely manage to put quill to parchment.
"All right, Remus?"
Remus glanced up to see Peter looking at him in concern. He gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile, though he knew from Peter's expression that he'd failed. "I'm all right. Just a bit tired."
Sirius dropped his quill as though the words were a signal and stretched. "I'm for bed as well. Let's leave this rubbish for breakfast tomorrow. Peter, you can copy my transfiguration."
They all packed up and trudged up to bed, going about their nightly rituals. Sirius gave Remus a concerned look on his way to the lavatory, but didn't say anything. James was the one to speak instead.
"Are you sure you're all right Remus? You look a bit peaky."
"It's nothing, I haven't been feeling-"
Remus was abruptly cut off at Sirius' disgusted shout from the lav. "Peter!"
"It's your fault!"
James' pressing question was forgotten in the ensuing laughter, Sirius cursing and Peter looking smug.
The next day found Remus hiding in the library before dinner and Lily Evans standing in front of him with look of extreme disquiet on her face. She was a very nice girl with rather pretty eyes, though for some reason she was friends with that horrible Snape. Remus supposed even the nicest people had their own problems.
"Remus, I really think you should go to the hospital wing. You don't look very well." She reached out a hand and felt his forehead. The contact startled Remus, who'd never had a stranger touch him before. Her frown deepened. "You feel a little warm, too. Let's go," Lily said decisively. "I'm taking you to the hospital wing. No don't bother; I'll come back for your books. Just leave them there; I'll bring them to you after you're settled."
There was just no point in arguing with the girl. If the finality of Lily's tone didn't persuade him to go, then the utter wretchedness he was feeling would have.
His alibi for that night would just have to wait.
As always, when he reached the hospital wing he was bundled up and escorted to the Headmaster's office, and then out to the Whomping Willow, down the dark tunnels to the Shrieking Shack, where he was left alone. And as always, Remus was possessed by the same urge that had taken him as a child, to plead his parents to stay, just for a little while; to cry or rage or something to release the utter anguish and fear that filled his chest. Instead, he walked up the stairs and curled up on the single bed, bunching the blankets in his fists as close around him as he could. He waited for the monster to take over his mind as surely as it had taken over so much of his life.
The next morning found Remus scratched, bleeding, and exhausted. He was laying naked on the rug in the living room, the destruction of the furniture around him a testament to the night before. Sighing and rising wearily, he walked over to his the pile of clothes he'd shed the previous night, feeling very old and forlorn.
When he was ready, he crept back down into the tunnel, gritting his teeth against the strain on his body. He met Madam Pomfrey outside of the Whomping Willow, where she promptly handed him a potion for healing and minor pain relief before escorting him the rest of the way to the Hospital Wing. Remus was cradling his right arm against his chest, an over large bite wound bleeding anew from his movement that morning. He crawled into bed, just barely summoning the energy to hoist himself up on the mattress.
Having given him all the potions and remedies deemed acceptable, Madam Pomfrey left him to his rest. They'd be seeing much of each other for the next three days, and so there was no need for thanks. Remus offered his anyway, his voice barely audible through the scratchiness in his throat. Lying back against the pillows, Remus felt a bone deep exhaustion. He didn't know how he was going to spend the rest of his life doing this.
It was around this time that doors to the hospital wing creaked open and Remus, feeling a burst of panic, remembered he'd forgotten about his friends. Whispers floated in and Remus turned his head curiously. For a moment there was no one there, and quite suddenly James' head popped up out of thin air.
"The coast is clear," he hissed, and his invisibility cloak was thrown off to reveal Sirius and Peter, too.
Remus was at a loss at what to say. Were they here to exact revenge for his missing out on last night's adventure? And how in Merlin's name was he going to explain all his wounds? He decided to start with the basics and pray he could make up the rest as he went along.
"What," he tried clearing his throat but it did nothing to help with the hoarseness. "What are you all doing here?"
Peter lifted up a sack and cheerfully said. "We've brought provisions."
He remained silent as his friends set up around him, taking out snacks and breakfast looking foods, as well as warm tea and a stack of cards. Sirius dragged up a chair and James and Peter climbed up on the bed.
"But what are you all doing here?" Remus repeated.
"We talked about it, and we've decided that this is just not right, mate. You can't keep leaving us out every time the moon's full." James said, with authority.
"Yeah," Sirius interjected in outrage. "How do think it makes us feel? You going off and having adventures without us."
Remus was at a loss of what to say.
"So we've decided what we're going to do about it. It's brilliant. We've been researching for weeks and you'll never believe it but Sirius and James reckon it's possible. They'll have to help me of course but-"
"Wait," Remus interrupted, his brow furrowed as he tried to wrap his exhausted mind around what was happening. "Just wait. What are you all going on about? Why are you here? How are you here?"
The three boys sitting around him exchanged glances, and when they looked back at him it was James who proceeded.
"We know, Remus." James said gently.
"You know?" Remus repeated, his mind frantically trying to provide explanations behind what they were saying.
"We've known for a while, mate." Sirius said simply, like he'd made an observation on the weather.
"Well not really, at least we didn't really know know until last night. But now that we know for sure we've got the perfect solution." Peter said excitedly.
Remus' head felt as though someone had landed a very solid blow to it and had rendered him temporarily both deaf and dumb. There was a buzzing in his ears and he could hear the hollow sounds of the sea rushing in and out and in again. He vaguely heard a high pitched voice asking rather hysterically. "What do you know? How do you know?"
"Oh, don't look so shocked, Remus, as if you could keep a secret from us." Sirius scoffed.
James was quick to try and soothe Remus' fears. "It took us months to figure out something was off. And even when we followed you, we never managed to make it past Dumbledore's office. It's like he puts a confundus spell up when he takes you out. So we figured our best chance at catching you was to hide outside on the grounds." This did nothing to alleviate Remus' anxiety, but all the same there was a deep unclenching inside of his chest, a relief that relaxed something inside of him. For better or for worse, he was just so dammed relieved that someone else knew.
"So we did it last night; skipped dinner and everything." Peter said proudly.
"So all that stuff, Peter knocking over Sirius' laxative potion, Sirius being upset and wanting us to go steal potion ingredients, it was all a lie?" asked Remus, a strange sort of calm beginning to descend over him.
"No, that was all true. But you could say it was an opportunity." James grinned.
They'd planned to sneak out during dinner time, only they were caught out by Professor McGonagall who'd been late going down to dinner. After a brief scolding ("You boys had better not be up to any more marauding this year. You are no longer first years and your tomfoolery will not be looked at so leniently."), she had taken house points for James' cheek ("But Professor, don't you realize that marauding is our calling? We're marauders, we maraud, marauding is what we do."); and upon discovering Sirius and Peter red handed with stolen potions vials in their pockets ("Peter!" "How was I supposed to know that the two ingredients combined were going to leak out and eat through my pocket?"), they'd all been awarded detentions.
It still didn't stop them from sneaking out to wait and watch as Remus descended into the tunnels beneath the Whomping Willow. They'd camped outside until morning to await his return and slipped back inside the entrance hall, where they ran into an exasperated Professor McGonagall, earning a second detention in less the twenty four hours.
"And so my friend, we come bearing provisions for the next leg of our monthly adventures together." James announced, taking out books and holding one up in triumph.
Remus leaned forward as best as he could and read Animagus Transfigūrāre.
"See, we found out that your furry little problem doesn't extend to other furry little things. So why not be furry little things ourselves?" James continued in his usual James speak, Peter picking up his train of thought as he took a book James passed over to him, sending another one on to Sirius.
"Only it won't work if we just try to transfigure ourselves or each other, your nose is too keen for that. We needed a way to make our scents smell genuinely like animals. The only way to trick our DNA into doing that would be to physically will ourselves into having another type of DNA."
"Voila, we'll become animagi." Sirius said, with a flourish of the book in his hand.
Remus became aware of pain shooting up his right arm and he looked down to find that he'd clenched both hands into fists during their talk. Here they were discussing his lifelong misery, his disfigurement, the fact that he was a monster with all the ease of their next prank. Not only were they not running for Dumbledore and writing home to have their parents demand he be expelled immediately, they wanted to help him.
"I can't let you do this." Remus said faintly. "You all can't do this."
Sirius reached for a sugar quill. "Sure we can. Well, maybe not Peter, but James and I will help him, don't worry."
Remus let out a strangled sound. "No, you really can't do this. If you're caught it doesn't mean just expulsion or points, it'll be actual prison time. Not to mention if something goes wrong and I hurt one of you, or all of you-"
"We want to do this. And think about it Remus, you won't have to be alone anymore." Peter insisted.
Remus wavered at the words. It was such a tempting idea, so very tempting to think it could work. But it was very risky, too risky. "I've always been alone. I'm used to it," he said with false bravado. "It's just too dangerous. There are so many things that could go wrong, and if someone finds out…"
"We won't let them." James soothed.
"I can't let you all take that risk for me."
Sirius snorted. "Who says we're doing it for you? I, for one, have always wanted to be a criminal."
"You're not going to win this one, Remus." James said with utter confidence, reaching over to snag a box of Bertie Botts from the pile of snacks.
Remus, too tired to fight or do much else, brought his hands up to cover his face. The other boys went on doing their separate things as though nothing was out of the ordinary, and for that he was grateful.
He wasn't crying; there were no tears in the entire world to express what he was feeling at that moment, but that was okay because he was feeling something so profound his heart felt constricted and light at the same time. And if he awoke a little while later to the sound of Lily Evans and James bickering by his bedside, well that was okay, too; because for the first time in his life, Remus Lupin was no longer alone.