Chapter 4

The Way to a Man's Heart

By: Emantsal

It was there in the back of his mind, a thing crawling through his brain, a sickened memory twisted beyond reason... This was wrong, he didn't want these feeling… but the feel Hawke under him, moaning his name, her lips opening under his…

His hands were tangled in her hair, angling her mouth to his as he tasted her lips, tongues dancing, teeth nipping. Through the soft linen of his shirt, her breasts pressed against his chest, her softness against his hardness.

It had never been like this. This was all too new, too fast, too much. Before there was… there had been no choice… Before…

Hawke's hands were threading through his white locks. Long fingers caressing his scalp and neck. The feelings were ecstasy, and then delicate fingers were skimming over the soft skin of his ear and…

"Elves have such sensitive ears, don't you agree my pet?" Wrinkled fingers ghosting over his ears as he knelt between his master's spread legs….

The image seared across his brain. Heart racing and disgust rolling around in his stomach like acid, he pushed away, rising to quickly put distance between himself and Hawke. He hated how he felt, still hard, still wanting her, still wanting to feel her flesh against his own…

"Fenris?" she looked up confused. What had just happened? One second he was kissing her like there was no tomorrow, and then he suddenly looked disgusted and practically jumped away from her. "Did… Did I do something wrong?" she asked, pushing up onto one elbow, the other hand going up to thread through her heavy gold locks.

Maker, she was so clueless about… whatever this was. She wasn't stupid. She knew what sex was, but she must have done something wrong to make him so eager to get away from her.

Form the green pallor of his skin, she knew she had done something truly awful. When he didn't respond, only turned away from her to look out the window, she quickly gathered her things and ran from the room. Ran, stumbling, almost falling down the stairs. Outside in the cool night air she sucked air into her lungs and refused to give in to the need to cry.

Why was she so… Fenris was the only man she really looo… Liked. Yes, liked. He was her good friend, but she must not mean as much to him.

Was she so unlovable? Her father had favored the twins, especially Bethany. When they were born, he and Leandra had doted on them. Big sister Ryann had been forced to grow up quickly. And then Carver and the ogre…

"It's your fault, Ryann. You should have protected your little brother." Never mind that the ogre had almost killed them all and she'd barely managed to kill it, walking away with several cracked ribs herself.

And then Bethany… Maker she missed her little sister. Bethany had always loved her.

"How could you Ryann? You knew it was dangerous. You of all people should have protected your sister, especially after you let Carver die." Her fault… yes, it was all her fault…

It was her fault Fenris had scrambled to back away from her. Her fault. It would have been so much better if the ogre had taken her instead…

Not knowing what she was doing or where she was going she wandered with Goose, her Mabari, at her side. She almost welcomed the hiss of a blade sliding from its scabbard somewhere to her left.

The light of morning came too quickly when she rolled over and winced, a large seeping gash running from just under her arm across her back.

Venhedis… what had he done? He'd let his past ruin any chance he had at a normal life. He thought back to what the witch, Flemeth, had said. Something about escaping the chains of slavery, but was he truly free?

He'd heard Hawke stumble out of his house and he'd wanted to follow her to explain. But she'd be disgusted if she knew what he'd done as Denarius' pet.

Did he want Hawke? Yes. He wanted her with a need that burned. But he couldn't… She was Hawke, a noble, a good person, sweet, caring..

And he? So twisted on the inside. Anger, bitterness, hatred like acid eating away his soul. Only Hawke had ever made him feel something other than self loathing. When he was with her, the world was a little brighter, he was a better person.

So he tortured himself. With her, but always apart. Until tonight… Tonight she'd welcomed him in her arms. She'd called him a friend. Said she trusted him. She'd been willing to give herself to him….

Drunk. She'd been drunk. She'd have never said those things sober. There was no way she wanted him. Who could want someone so pathetic and disgusting as himself… An elf with visible scares on his skin and even more invisible scars on his soul.

She avoided him for a week. There were lots of little jobs that she could accomplish alone, or with Varric or Isabella. It was just too embarrassing, or maybe too depressing.

Makers hairy ass cheeks… Why had she practically thrown herself at him? She'd never really let on that she really, really, oh hell, absolutely liked him. Of course he was disgusted. She'd been nothing better than a drunk asking for a quick fuck.

She'd kinda flirted over the years, but he'd never seemed interested. And, he had so much baggage she' hadn't pushed. Just being near him was enough. She was his friend, his good friend. A friend who just happened to be crazy about him…

She eyed the Shepard's Pie on the table and wondered if he'd eaten today…

"Another letter for you, Messer," Bodan interrupted her thoughts, coming into the kitchen.

"Thank you Bodan. Just put it on the table while I get this sliced up and ready for delivery. Do you think you and Sandal can take a few baskets over to the Hanged Man for Varric and Isabella?"

"Of course!" the dwarf replied enthusiastically. "Sandal has been fidgeting all morning. Would you mind terribly if we took your wonderful hound with us? My boy enjoys him so much."

"That would be fine. I'm also leaving enough for you two for when you get back."

"You are too kind Messer, although my boy and I would never pass up the chance to fill our bellies with your fine cooking."

After he left, she began dividing the large meat and vegetable pie up, finally cutting an extra large wedge for Fenris. Maybe she could make it up to him with food…

The letter was from the foreman at the Bone Pit. She'd instructed him to give her monthly reports on the mine's activities. After reading over the report, she loaded a basket with the Shepard's pie and a few loafs of fresh bread and blackberry jam. On the way out she scooped up a tin of chewy brownies and added them to the basket. On the way through Hightown, she'd stop and get some fresh milk… She'd just knock and leave the basket inside the door…

She was just putting the basket on the entrance hall floor when –

"Hawke." And she almost jumped out of her skin.

"Sod it Fenris, you almost gave me a heart attack," she yelled, standing up and turning around to see him standing just inside the door.

Red faced and hands on her hips, she stood there just looking at him. She silence stretched between them.

"I was just - "

"I went to your - "

"You first," she said, moving to right the basket that tipped on it side when he startled her.

"I… spoke to Hubert this morning. He is requesting that you visit the mines. The miners have been asking about you."

"Oh…"

"I went to your house, but no one answered the door."

"I was probably on my way here. I just wanted to drop this off. It's some Shepard's Pie and a few cookies…"

"You didn't have to do that."

"I… I just wanted to… to apologize for the other night. I shouldn't have assumed you wanted the same things I did…" she looked anywhere but at him and fidgeted with her cloak hem. "So… I'm sorry and it won't happen again. And do you want to go with me to visit the mine? I'm planning on leaving pretty early in the morning." She rushed through the last part and finally looked up to find his eyes regarding her from beneath shaggy white locks. Guarded and unreadable, she felt her stomach sink and her heart catch. Her stupidity had cost her her best friend. If she could take it all back… Would he leave now?

"I will meet you at your house at first light," he finally replied, moving from the doorway towards the basket on the floor.

With a quick nod of acknowledgement, she walked out the door into the light of the day. On the steps down to the Chantry's courtyard, she ran into Sebastian and invited him to accompany her to Ander's clinic. She had a basket of food and some supplies for him back at her house. At the top of the stairs a solitary figure watched them walk away together before turning slowly and walking back to a Hightown mansion…

"Ryann dear, I do wish you had mentioned the Prince would be dining with us for dinner. I would have at least had Bodhan set a proper table," Leandra Hawke sighed, watching her daughter and the Prince of Starkhaven sitting at the kitchen table eating hearty hot sandwiches of roast beef and cheese on toasted, crusty peasant bread. Along with their sandwiches, Ryann had thrown together a fresh fruit salad and cold mugs of ale.

"Oh please do not trouble yourself, dear lady. Your daughter's culinary skills are legendary as is her generous hospitality. I cannot express what a joy it is to be an honored guest at your table."

Hawke just rolled her eyes upward and stuffed the rest of her sandwich into her mouth.

"You are too kind your Highness. We are indeed honored that you are a guest in our home."

Ack…ack… Ryann pretended to stick her finger down her throat. "You only see him here at least five or six times a month eating lunch, or breakfast, or just stopping by because Varric happened to mention I made fresh doughnuts - "

"Do you happen to have - "

"Same place they were last time you were here," she replied without breaking her eyes from her mothers. "See! He's been here enough to know where I keep thing!"

"Ryann, we no longer live in Lowtown and you should learn to act the part of a proper lady and hostess," her mother admonished. "You are an Amell - "

"I'm a Hawke, mother, and I kill people to keep a roof over our heads."

"Honestly Ryann, how will I ever find a suitable husband for you if you don't at least try to act like a lady?"

Licking powdered sugar from his fingertips, Sebastian sat back down at the table and said, "Any man would be honored to have your daughter as his wife, Serah Hawke."

"Then why have you not asked for her hand yourself, if you really believe that to be true?"

"Mother!"

"As you know, I have pledged myself to the Chantry and the Maker. But had I not taken my vows, be assured I would have indeed pursued her hand."

"Oh fine. Talk about me like I'm not standing right here."

"I just want to see you settled down and be able to enjoy my grandchildren before I get too old!"

"Who said anything about grandchildren!"

"I believe your daughter is more than capable of choosing a suitable husband and will one day grace your days with beautiful babies to spoil and enjoy."

"Oh, your Grace, I do appreciate your words of encouragement. I can only pray that in time my daughter will settle down and marry a proper gentleman."

"She means quit running around with the wrong crowd, as I do now."

"Most of your… friends are of rather questionable character. Except for Your Grace and Aveline, you could do with a better class of people to associate with.

"Those people of questionable character, as you call them, are the only ones I trust with my life, Mother."

"I'm just saying I wish you would find other people to spend time with and not spend so many evenings at that elf's. It's unseemly for a single woman of your status to spend so much time alone with a gentleman, especially an elf."

"Fenris is always a perfect gentleman mother, and he has never been anything but courteous and proper to you."

"But how long will he continue to respect you if you insist on getting drunk and sleeping on his couch?"

"Maybe this is a conversation I should not be privy to," Sebastian interrupted the heated conversation.

"No Ser Prince. I implore you to talk some sense into my daughter."

"Maker Mother. I hack and slash my way through mercenaries and bandits on a daily basis and you're afraid I can't handle one man?"

"Then think of your reputation - "

"Sebastian, I'll walk you out, then I'm going to bed. A few of us are going to the Bone Pit in the morning. If you want to come along, meet us here at sunrise. We should only be gone about two days," she said tiredly, completely ignoring her mother as she sat their empty plates in the sink for Bodhan to take care of.

"My bow is at your service, Hawke." Turning to Leandra, he gave a small bow and excused himself. Ryann walked with him to the garden wall entrance.

"So what's up between you and Fenris? Even I know you spend a lot of time together. But for the past week you've been hanging out at the Hanged Man and sleeping in Varric's spare bed for at least two nights."

"We had a misunderstanding…"

"Did he try something? If he did I'll…"

"NO! No… if anything I might have made advances to him."

When the Prince just looked at her, stunned, she continued. "I know it was stupid and all and he turned me down and I just couldn't face him again after that. So I hid. But I went over today and apologized. Took him a basket with some Shepard's pie and brownies, and milk, and…" She trailed off when he did nothing but continue to stare at her with a confused look on his face.

"I'm sorry Hawke, but did you say he turned you down?" Evidently Fenris was not as smart as he had given him credit for. He didn't condone what she had tried to do. Sex outside of marriage was not what the Maker intended. And although he stood by the Chantry's views… Maker… Fenris had turned her down? He'd turned down Ryann Hawke who was sought after by half of Kirkwall? Ryann Hawke who had the face of a goddess and the body of … Oh he'd best not go there.

Of course he knew there was something between Hawke and the elf. She wouldn't have… offered, if she didn't have feelings for Fenris. But… it still boggled his mind that the elf had turned her down. Maker… Hawke was gorgeous, surely crafted by the maker's own hands. If he hadn't already pledged himself to Andraste, he'd have pursued her. She could have been a Queen…

"Don't look at me like that Sebastian. I know it was stupid."

"You weren't stupid Hawke. I know you would have never done anything like that if you didn't have feelings for him."

"I… I like him, probably more than is wise. He's my best friend. We've known each other for years now and…"

"Oh I think you and I both know it's more than like, Hawke. The Maker knows what's in your heart."

"It was still a stupid move on my part, and I don't think he feels the same way. I just want things to be the way they were."

"Fenris doesn't really know how to live like a free man, Hawke. Give him time, if he's who you really have your heart set on."

"I know, I know. And I would not burden him with unwanted attention."

"Oh, I don't think it's unwanted. He would never have allowed you to get as close as you have already if he didn't at least like you."

"Well, I'm not going to push. I just want my friend back. That will be enough."

"If you say so…" he turned to leave. "I'll see you in the morning, Hawke."

Alone in her room that night she sat by the window and stared across the Hightown landscape to where she could just make out a single light coming from a certain abandoned mansion. Was he thinking of her? Did he know how much he meant to her? She missed her friend, she missed him so much…

A lone elf sat looking out the window of his bedroom. In the distance the Amell Estate's lights were being extinguished, one by one. No doubt Bodhan making his nightly rounds checking the estate before heading to bed.

He wondered where she was, what she was doing? Was she thinking of him? Did she know how much she'd come to mean to him? Tomorrow… he'd talk to her tomorrow… Tomorrow he'd tell her everything…

A/N1: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and signed up for alerts, and also to anyone else who checks out my story. Reviews are always appreciated, but not necessary, and I hope you enjoy reading the stories I write as much as I enjoy writing them.

A/N2: Sorry for the long delay. This has been languishing on my PC for some time now and I finally decided to finish editing it and throw it up on the forums. A lot of this fic gets written while I'm at work and I have to piece together little bits here and there as I finish them. For anyone who's following my ME2 story, Mystery to Me, I have lots of the next chapter written for it also, but it needs editing and that will probably be some time early next year. (Writing while I'm at work? Scandalous! One can only stare at spreadsheets and contracts for so long before going legally insane… Trust me on this one….)