Returning to Atlantis was different. Carson remembered all the times he'd come into the city, and most of them had been through the Gate. This time, however, he knew he was leaving.

The familiar press of the city's Ancient systems in his mind was both comforting and disconcerting. They'd been that way since he'd been released from Michael's custody. The buzz that precipitated use of the systems had faded throughout the months, but he noticed it now more than ever. Michael's death had left his mind feeling somewhat empty, and the city filled that void. He hadn't realized how much of an impact it would make until he gained his quarters and let out a deep sigh.

He'd never been hired in such a fashion before. His jobs usually had layers of confidentiality, security checks, and classifications. Yes, he'd have doctor-patient confidentiality in Esperanza, but he wouldn't have to deal with the idea that he could never truly be honest with these people. Not about their healthcare, that is. His status as a clone would remain a closely guarded secret known only to his friends on Atlantis.

Since he'd been gone for several days, Carson headed for the infirmary to check in with Jennifer. The younger doctor's relationship with Rodney had blossomed in recent months, and Carson knew a wedding was on the horizon. He'd seen the way Rodney stared at Jennifer, and he loved how the physicist struggled to just ask Jennifer to marry him. It was something Carson would likely never experience for himself. Not that he'd closed himself off from human relationships, but he would never become involved with a woman who couldn't know everything about him.

All was quiet in the infirmary, and Carson took a few hours to roam the city. He eventually found a balcony that looked at an impressive display of spires. He would miss this sight, though he was accustomed to leaving. Being back on Earth hadn't changed reality for him, and Carson was content with the idea that this was no longer his place. It likely never would be.

Using these few moments to gather his thoughts, he remembered the day he'd stood here just after coming out of the stasis pod. When he'd gone into that machine, he'd figured he wouldn't be coming out. He'd said his goodbyes to his friends, had written a letter to his mum, and closed down his life. He decided then that he'd never return to Scotland—at least, he'd never return home. According to the background the SGC had given him, he'd been born in Inverness. He was a Highlander. The cover gave him the option of actually visiting the nation of his birth even if he could never return to St. Andrews or Edinburgh.

Just thinking of those two places saddened him. Carson let out a deep breath and reigned in his emotions. He was always leaving. Always saying goodbye to those he loved. First, he'd said goodbye to his mum when he'd come to Atlantis. Then, he closed his eyes and shook his head, a wry smile crossing his face. He hadn't said goodbye to his mum and come to Atlantis. The other Carson had. He just remembered it.

And that highlighted why he had to leave. When Atlantis had been in Pegasus, it had been easy to forget that he wasn't the original Carson. He'd easily allowed the truth of his life as a clone to fade as he always had his friends that he could return to when he traveled to Atlantis. And he'd been needed several times. But, now, on Earth, he could not deny that he didn't know his place any longer.

"There you are." McKay sounded put out.

Carson turned to see his friend striding toward him, an eerily similar sight to what Rodney had done over a year ago when Carson had come out of the stasis pod. He looked back at the city. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

Rodney blinked. "You said that a year ago."

"Aye, I suppose I did." Carson smiled at his friend. "It's no less true today."

"I. . .suppose so." Rodney jabbed a finger over his shoulder. "Listen, we're all meeting in the mess hall for dinner. Sheppard managed to get a grill delivered, and Lorne's taken over cooking. Wanna join us?"

Carson nodded. "Just give me a few more moments, Rodney."

"Hey, you okay?" McKay took a step forward. "You look. . . ."

Carson shrugged. "I'm fine, Rodney. Just thinking."

"Okay." McKay's tone said he didn't believe that for a moment. "Well, I'll see you there. Just don't take too long or Ronon will have eaten everything."

Carson watched his friend leave and knew he'd have to tell him. He'd have to tell all of them soon as he'd agreed to be in Esperanza by next week. He didn't want to ruin the celebratory atmosphere, but this might be the chance he needed. If he could manage to get up the courage to tell them.

Deciding that he couldn't just ignore things any longer, Carson walked from the balcony and made his way to the mess hall. The smell of a gas grill permeated everything, and Marines and scientists alike sat at tables, eating burgers and hot dogs. Carson followed the smell out onto the mess hall patio, where a huge grill smoked off to one side. Major Lorne had a spatula and was turning burgers as Colonel Sheppard gave him pointers. The major ignored his CO as he worked, and Carson chuckled at the sight. A table held all the condiments and chips and such, and laughter punctuated conversation. Carson arrived at the table as Rodney was trying to convince Jennifer that what Ronon had said wasn't true.

"Rodney, stop arguin'," Carson said as he approached the table.

"Stop arguing?" Rodney glared. "He's saying I fainted, and he wasn't even there!"

"Aye, ye did faint," Carson agreed with a smirk, though the knowledge that he was leaving soon tempered his normal good humor.

Jennifer patted Rodney's arm. "That's okay, you'll survive."

Rodney glowered at Carson for a moment. "Hey, you okay?" he asked again.

Carson sat at the table and smiled at all of them. "Oh, I don't know this is the time, Rodney."

Sheppard chose that moment to join them, leaving Lorne at the grill. "Time for what?"

Realizing he wouldn't get out of it, Carson let out a deep breath. "Well, I've been thinking for the last few months, and I've made a decision." He paused as he looked around, seeing the curious looks he received. "I'm leavin' Atlantis."

"What?" Rodney's reaction was the most severe and immediate. Teyla blinked several times, while Ronon just glared.

Sheppard straightened. "What's goin' on, Doc?"

Carson appreciated the quiet question. "I've just returned from an interview for a medical practice in Esperanza, New Mexico."

"Where?" Rodney asked, completely nonplussed. His face was completely blank, not something the team typically saw.

Carson grinned. "It's a tiny town in south-central New Mexico. Their elderly doctor is retirin', an' I'm takin' the position." He sobered. "I need ta do this. I need ta get back to just bein' a doctor."

Rodney frowned. "What do you think you've been doing for the past year?"

Carson gave him a longsuffering look. "I know you don't understand, Rodney. But I need ta do this. I need to get away, to figure out where I belong and. . . ."

"What do you mean, 'where you belong'?" Rodney interrupted. "You—you—you're Carson. You belong here."

"Do I?"

Sheppard sat forward. "Listen, Doc, I know you think. . . ."

"Yes, you do!" Rodney again interrupted and remained oblivious to the irritated look that Sheppard sent him. "Do you have any idea what this place would be if you weren't here? I mean, look at everything you've done. You saved Jennifer when that Ancient device was turned on. You rescued us from the Wraith when we were captured. You saved Jennifer—again—when she mutated into a hive ship. You even saved my life when I was hit with that ascension machine! I mean. . . ."

"Stop right there." This time, Carson did the interrupting. Rodney's rant had stirred up all the reasons why he'd chosen to take his leave of the city that had once given him meaning. "I didn't do that. He did."

Rodney blinked several times. "What?" he asked again.

Carson sighed. "Look, I know you see me as Carson Beckett, but. . . ."

"Because you are Carson Beckett!" Rodney insisted.

Suddenly, Teyla sat forward and put a hand on McKay's arm. "Rodney." Her voice, though soft, had an edge of strength to it. When McKay turned to her, she smiled at Carson. "I believe I understand what Carson is trying to say. While he is Carson, he isn't the Carson you knew."

Rodney turned to regard Carson with a surprised look. "You really think that?"

"Aye," Carson replied. "I may have his memories and his personality, but I don't remember the all the things you talk about. I never owned turtles. I may have read the reports, but that's not me. It's another, completely different person. And I need to find out who this Carson Beckett is, independent of who that Carson Beckett was. I'm sorry, Rodney. I know this is difficult for you to understand, but it's what I need to do for me."

Rodney stared at Carson, the realization dawning on his face leaving him speechless for once. Carson looked from person to person, watching the emotions cross their faces. Sheppard seemed irritated, but that was normal for the emotionally distant colonel. Ronon appeared accepting, while Jennifer had a sheepish expression on her face. None of them said anything.

Carson nodded. "I've already given my letter of resignation to Mr. Woolsey, an' I'll be leavin' in two days."

The celebratory atmosphere vanished in spite of the snippets of laughter that came from the mess hall and the smoke from Lorne's grilling. Carson's stomach turned, though, and he realized he wouldn't be eating anything tonight. He stood and, after another glance at the team, returned to his quarters for the remainder of the night.

oOo

The next two days passed quickly. Carson spent the time gathering his few belongings and preparing himself to leave Atlantis. It was more emotional than he'd expected or cared to admit. When he'd returned to Earth to recover from his time in the stasis pod, it was always with the understanding that he would be back in Pegasus after he regained his health. Then, he'd chosen to travel the Pegasus galaxy to treat the Hoffan plague survivors. This, however, was permanent. This was something he wasn't prepared to handle.

He knew he'd see these people again. They were his family now that he'd closed out his life in Scotland. In fact, plans were made for a team gathering at Halloween. Sheppard had decided that the team would come to Esperanza and enjoy New Mexico's sun as well as allow Ronon to pass out candy like he wanted. Carson hadn't thought much about living arrangements, but he now realized he'd need to have a good place for them to gather. The two months between now and then would pass quickly, so he made that a priority on his list.

Finally, the day arrived when he would leave the city for the last time. He'd taken the time to spend with his friends, knowing they were just as stunned now as they were the night he announced it. Rodney had tried multiple times to talk him out of this, but it had taken the physicist a good twenty-four hours to figure a work-around to Carson's problem. He could still remain in Atlantis, could work as a doctor, find his place there. Carson appreciated the thought, but he refused. Not only had he taken the job in Esperanza, but he was looking forward to getting back to a small town. While it wasn't the same as working in a remote village in Pegasus, it would help him find distance from everything that happened. Not having the threat of Wraith cullings hanging over his head would also help him gain his footing. He was just surprised it had taken him this long to feel all of these emotions.

Teyla was the first to bid him farewell. She brought Torren to Carson's quarters and smiled sadly as she watched him play with the baby. At one, Torren was learning to walk, and Carson enjoyed every step he took while holding on to his "uncle's" fingers. Crawling was much easier for the child, though, and Torren eventually got tired of the work and crawled across the room to chew on the strap of Carson's duffel bag. Finally, Carson hugged Teyla. "Thank you."

Teyla met his eyes. "You will find what you seek, Carson. I have no doubt."

"Aye," he agreed. "Take care o' this wee lad," he added as he hoisted Torren into the air. The child giggled at the sudden change in elevation.

Teyla accepted her son. "I will allow you to continue preparing." She touched his arm. "You will make an excellent town doctor, Carson. And I will see you in a month or so."

Carson waved as she left. Amanda Cole and Evan Lorne appeared next, hugging Carson tightly and wishing him well. Her voice choked, and he knew she had to be thinking about that horrible Sunday. He held her close for a moment and then shook Lorne's hand. Ronon showed up a short time later, surprised that Carson didn't have more stuff to carry to the gate. The Satedan struggled through a goodbye, finally settling with a gruff parting comment. Carson wasn't offended, and he understood. When he'd gone into the stasis pod, Ronon had reacted with a heartfelt "This is what I was afraid of." To Ronon, he'd just lost a friend. Still, just before disappearing, Ronon turned and grabbed Carson in a bone-crushing hug that left the doctor struggling to breathe.

When no one arrived for another twenty minutes, Carson finally felt able to head to the infirmary. He found Jennifer in her office and hugged her tightly. He'd followed her career since she was in medical school, and he was thrilled to see her so happy. When she stepped back to the desk for a Kleenex, he smiled. "Take care of Rodney for me."

Jennifer's face flushed. "I will."

Carson touched her arm and left her office. He would have left the infirmary altogether, but he spotted Marie staring at him with tears in her eyes. Moving to the nurse who had been working there since the Expedition arrived in Pegasus the first time, Carson enveloped her in a hug and simply allowed her to cry. Her tears dampened his shirt, and he smoothed down her hair.

When she pulled back, she laughed. "I'm sorry, Carson."

"Och, don't be, love." He took her by her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I'll be back, you know."

"Don't say that to me!" Marie's insistence surprised him. When he blinked, she met his eyes. "The last time you said that, you never came back!"

It took him a moment to realize that she was referring to that Sunday again. Had it been Rodney or Teyla, he would have made a wry quip about not having to remove too many explosive tumors. They seemed to have that kind of relationship. But this was too emotional. Marie struggled with the memories. Carson nodded. "Okay. Then, I plan to see you again. In fact, why don't you plan on comin' with Colonel Sheppard and the others when they come to visit in October?" He shrugged. "I'll let Jennifer know I've invited ye."

Marie smiled. "That sounds lovely, Carson."

"Good." He shared another warm hug with her before leaving the infirmary. If he was honest, the emotion tugged at his own heartstrings. He'd always been more emotional than anyone in his family, and his own history often caught him unawares. This was worse, though, because he had no memory of the incident that had shattered the lives of his friends. When their Carson had died, he'd been working to develop the serum that turned humans into hybrids.

Shaking away those memories, Carson met Colonel Sheppard, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla, and Mr. Woolsey in the gateroom. Sheppard stepped forward and shook his hand. "You're sure you don't want a lift to Esperanza? I could have you there inside of an hour."

"No, Colonel." Carson smiled. "Doc Howell is expectin' me at the Albuquerque airport, so I don't need ta disappoint."

"Right." Sheppard nodded. "Well, take care of yourself."

"Aye, an' you, too." Carson slapped the man's shoulder and turned to the person next to him. "Mr. Woolsey."

"Doctor." Woolsey reached out to shake his hand. "Just so you're aware. I know you view this as permanent, but I've filed the paperwork as an extended leave of absence. If you ever decide to return to Atlantis, there's a place for you here."

Carson nodded. "Thank you, Mr. Woolsey."

"Richard, please." Woolsey shrugged. "If you're no longer working here, there's no need for the formality."

Carson smiled at the gesture and touched Teyla's shoulder as he headed for the center of the gateroom. The Apollo had finally returned to Earth and orbited the planet, still undergoing a complete overhaul after her nearly disastrous battle with the Wraith hive. Her transporter systems had been repaired, and she acted as a "taxi cab" for Atlantis personnel. Carson would beam into a secure facility near LAX.

Rodney stopped next to him. "Carson." He held out his hand. "Take care of yourself."

Carson shook Rodney's hand. "Aye. You, too." He met the physicist's eyes. "This isn't goodbye, Rodney."

"Yeah, I know," Rodney said less-than-convincingly. "Just. . . ."

"I know." Carson stepped away from him. "Take care of Jennifer."

Rodney nodded. "Of course."

Carson looked around, taking a moment to absorb his final impressions of Atlantis. The stained glass glowed with the sunlight, the Stargate fairly glittered, and every eye in the place was focused on him. Knowing Atlantis's procedures, he knew that the other Carson's funeral had happened right where he now stood. He couldn't help but recognize the irony in all of it. He now said goodbye to his friends in the exact same spot.

After a deep breath, he nodded to Chuck, who contacted the Apollo. Atlantis, his friends, and his old life disappeared in a wash of white light.

~TBC