Disclaimer: Let me just remind you that I do not own Harry Potter or anything that you recognize in this story, the wonderful, fantastic, magnificent, marvelous, amazing, brilliant, beautiful blonde called J.K. Rowling does….love her :) And if you did not know this you need to get out from under that rock you're living under.
Okay I know I just put up the last chapter but I wrote this in like five hours and I'M IN LOVE! It's seriously my favorite chapter thus far. Enjoy my little readers!
Chapter 15
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett- Way Back Into Love
Hermione touched the soft lace of her dress and tried to relax. It wasn't the style that she would have preferred (again, time difference) but Lily had said she looked beautiful. And indeed she did look pretty.
Hermione had gone to Hogsmeade with Lily, Alice and Doriana to search for a suitable dress. They had had theirs shipped from home but Hermione hadn't had such a luxury and so had to pick from a limited selection in the Hogsmeade robes shop. She didn't really mind but Doriana had acted as if it was a travesty and had begged to come and help Hermione find the perfect dress.
Checking her hair one last itme, Hermione turned away from the mirror and posed for Alice and Lily who squealed. "You look beautiful Hermione!" Alice gasped and gently touched a tendril of soft hair that fell perfectly around Hermione's ear.
Personally, Hermione thought she had looked better at the Yule Ball, she'd decided to leave her hair down and the Sleek Eazy hair potion didn't work quite as well when she wore it down. Her hair fell in waves down her back and shoulders. She hadn't felt she needed makeup but Lily had insisted on mascara. But the dress was her favorite. It wasn't periwinkle but was a creamy white that Lily had been adamant on, it was very lacey and had a high front collar but was low in the back. An inconspicuous bow was tied at her lower waist and fell into a train that didn't make it difficult to walk. It was sexy, yet didn't show more than necessary, it stood out but wasn't flashy, she felt very at home in the form fitting dress.
"I knew the cream was the way to go." Lily nodded confidently and wiped fake tears from her bright green eyes. "My little girl's all grown up."
Hermione smiled and rolled her eyes at Lily's theatrics. "It's just a dress."
"But it's a great dress. Sirius is going to be panting after you all night."
"Great." Hermione sighed and slipped on some of Lily's extra shoes. "Let's just get this over with."
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Sirius couldn't breathe.
Never before had a witch stole the breath from his lungs the way Hermione in a dress could, but there you have it. And she didn't want him.
Sirius sighed as he adjusted his bowtie and walked to meet the vision storming down the stairs. "Hello."
"Hello." Hermione answered. Sirius could tell that a moment ago she had been angry, probably with him, but now she was nervous, standing in front of him and being scrutinized.
"You're ravenous." He said with feeling and she gave him a silly smile.
"Do you mean ravishing?"
"That's what I said."
Hermione laughed and Sirius also chuckled. The tension was gone and now they could have fun, just like he'd always intended.
He bowed and released the breath he'd been holding.
"What I mean is you're exquisite."
"Thank you Sirius." He reached out an arm for her to hold and she took it.
He led her through her Hogwarts as if she were a statue of glass that could break at any moment and held the door to Slughorn's office open for her.
It looked very similar to the night Hermione had seen it last year (or was it 20 years in the future?), gauzy pieces of silk were strung from the ceiling and created a feeling of warmth in the dungeons. Slughorn's knick knacks and various arrays of priceless items had been stowed away and in their stead were dark wooden tables with linen cloths and comfy chairs surrounding them.
The moment they entered Slughorn bustled over and shook Sirius' hand. "Look at her! She's a vision you lucky bloke you!" Slughorn winked and Sirius chuckled good-naturedly. Hermione glared between the men and tried to ignore the obvious sexism.
"Thank you." Hermione answered for herself and Slughorn smiled.
"Have as much butterbeer as you like. Now I must attend to other the guests, have fun you two!" Slughorn called over his shoulder as he ran off to annoy other couples.
"That-that-" Hermione could barely contain her annoyance but Sirius saw the danger and quickly grabbed her elbow.
"Let's claim a seat."
He gently led her to a table and sat beside her. He couldn't help but stare at her perfect curves and hair that fell around her face like a wildcat. "Will you dance with me?"
"There's no music." Hermione pointed toward the ceiling and Sirius chuckled.
"Maestro! The lady demands music!" Sirius stood and called out to no one in particular and Hermione grabbed his sleeve and shoved him back into his seat.
"What are you doing?" She laughed and he smiled at her.
"I have to dance with you before some other bloke has the nerve of stealing you away." Sirius stood again and held his arm out. "Now that you've claimed your chair, follow me."
"You're insane."
Sirius enjoyed the banter. "I've heard it before."
Hermione laughed and grabbed his arm. "Oh alright. Where's everyone else?"
"There's James." Sirius pointed to a lonely figure speaking with Professor Flitwick and Hermione nodded. He had asked Lily, several times, to come with him but she had refused, so he had taken Marlene so she could at least attend (she wasn't in the Slug Club). "And Remus and Doriana." He pointed to a different corner where a couple was arguing.
"What are they talking about?"
"How would I know?" Sirius laughed and didn't notice Hermione's blush.
Music began to play and Hermione could see Slughorn jovially shuttling people to the dance floor.
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"You're supposed to ask me to dance." Doriana huffed.
"I don't want to dance." Remus replied, equally annoyed and furious with the situation. He didn't want to be here. The room was too loud with the many people and his sensitive senses were going haywire. He felt bombarded and wished he could escape but Doriana wouldn't let him.
She did look beautiful, Remus was unwilling to admit. Her long blonde hair had been curled and bounced and danced around her thin face with every little movement. She had picked a lilac dress that was short and brushed her mid thighs and had a square neckline to show off her light skin.
"Why are you always like this?" Doriana said in a much different tone then she usually used with him. Normally she was bossy and clingy, but now he could see sounded small and sad. She crossed her arms over her dress and stared at the floor and Remus felt guilt tug at his heart. "You're so nice to everyone but me, I feel like you hate me sometimes."
"I don't hate you Doriana." He tried to keep the exasperation out of his voice and must have succeeded because Doriana looked up at him. "Here," He held out his hand and waited for her to grab it. "I'll dance with you alright? But I'm a terrible dancer."
Doriana sighed in contentment and grasped his warm, large hand. Maybe she'd had to bug him incessantly to do it, but he was here, with her, and that's all she'd ever wanted. "I'm sorry I dragged you here." She said in the small voice and Remus shrugged.
They moved to the dance floor with everyone else and with his height, Remus spotted Sirius and Hermione spinning circles around the other couples. Sirius threw her into a dip and she laughed hysterically as he slowly brought her back to a vertical position. The normal feeling of jealousy burned in Remus' stomach but he ignored it and turned back to the witch on his arm.
"How have your classes been?" Remus tried to make light conversation, he felt awkward with Doriana, it wasn't even close to the easy conversation he could have with Hermione.
"Fine." Doriana said. But she looked away from him and Remus was now intrigued. She was lying? Whatever for? It was just a question about classes.
"Really?"
"Well, the curriculum is fine." Doriana said vaguely and now Remus couldn't help but wonder what she was hiding.
"And your Housemates?"
She definitely refused to look at him now. She shrugged and made herself look up at him. "I'd rather talk about you. How's your career planning coming along?"
So something was wrong with her House?
Remus laughed at her question and shrugged it off. "I'll take what I can get."
Doriana was confused by this answer, Remus was quite the student and she figured he could have any job he wanted. "There's nothing you want to be?"
Remus was avoiding looking at her now. They were a strange pair, they couldn't even look at each other. "There are many things I'd like to be…maybe a professor."
Doriana nodded, she could see Remus as a professor, he was kind and understanding and patient. Everything she wasn't.
"And you?" Remus prodded.
"I don't know...Thinking about it usually stresses me out so I try not to think about it." She laughed nervously and Remus felt surprised by her answer.
The song ended and Remus led the girl back to their seats.
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Regulus wandered around the crowded room, bored out of his mind. Barty had long ago left with a fellow Ravenclaw and Snape was distracted with Lily Evans once again.
He could see his brother talking with Granger on the dance floor. Everyone had heard about her refusing to date him and Regulus viewed it as a disgrace. Although he had been blown off the family tree by his own mother, Sirius was a Black and should've known better than to even look at a mudblood like her.
Regulus sighed as he fell into a chair and rubbed his eyes. Who was he kidding? Hermione was a very talented witch.
He'd done nothing but study that book she'd handed to him in the library and it sickened him. She'd been completely right. Voldemort was insane and he was beginning to see the folly in the theology he'd believed in for the last fourteen years. It was very confusing for him.
Regulus glanced at his brother once again and wished they were on speaking terms.
I miss you brother.
Regulus slammed his hand on the table and stood.
"Are you alright?"
For the first time Regulus realized he wasn't the only one at the table. A pale girl with large blue eyes and white-blonde hair was sitting across from him. His brother's friend, Remus Lupin, sat next to her and together they were looking at him in concern. He hated when people looked at him like that, it made him feel weak.
"I'm fine." He said in a cool voice and he was satisfied when they shrugged and turned away.
Regulus looked back towards his brother and was surprised to see him leaving Hermione and walking toward his friend, that Potter boy.
"I'll be back in a moment." He heard Remus say to the girl gently and he stood.
Once he was gone the girl sighed and raised her glass of butterbeer. "Looks like we both got ditched." She took a swig of her drink and Regulus watched her in surprise.
"I was not ditched." He said simply and leaned back in his chair. Who was she to say whatever she liked?
"Ah. I see." She took another slow slip and was now looking at him in interest. "Are you Sirius' brother?"
Regulus ground his teeth but answered her in the same cool tone. "Yes." Regulus looked away from her and was amused to see Remus leading Hermione out of the party. He didn't tell the girl though, she was annoying him.
"You look so much alike it's almost scary." She looked him up and down. "Don't look so angry about it, all the girls like Sirius, it's not so bad to be compared to him."
Regulus bristled and resisted the urge to storm away. So long as he acted calm and didn't answer maybe she'd shut up.
Her eyes filled with tears and Regulus was immediately uncomfortable. What was wrong with this girl?
"Are you a Gryffindor?" He asked.
The girl looked up in surprise and shook her head. "Of course not! I'm in Ravenclaw!" She sounded scandalized which Regulus found amusing.
"You sure show a lot of emotion for a Ravenclaw. Maybe you shouldn't hang around the Griffs so much." Regulus smirked. "They're rubbing off on you."
The girl sputtered and glared at him. "Oh not you too! I barely know you and yet you sound like everyone in my House." She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "So what if I sit with them huh? They're much more interesting than talking about books all the time!"
Regulus was lost. "What?"
She must have realized who she was talking to because she sighed and unfolded her arms. "My entire House hates me."
Regulus really wanted to find another table. "So leave." He shrugged.
The girl snorted but tapped her chin as if she was considering it. "But what about Remus?"
Regulus actually laughed this time. "Well I guess I should tell you he left with that Granger girl quite a while ago."
"What?" The girl jumped to her feet and stared around the room.
"Clearly you are struggling to keep your friends." Regulus shrugged. "The way I see it is, you could become a Slytherin… or transfer to Beauxbatons."
"I do like France." The girl muttered.
"Goodbye." Regulus stood and walked away before the annoying twit could stop him.
Girls talk too much.
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A few minutes earlier:
"There's Lily and…Snape."
Hermione's head snapped to where Sirius was pointing. "She said she wasn't going with anyone!" Hermione gasped and Sirius' expression darkened.
"Obviously not."
Snape and Lily were standing across the room. Lily's red hair was swept up in a chignon and she had a short white dress that was long sleeved and off the shoulder. She was the loveliest witch in the room. She was laughing and holding Snape's shoulder while he had an expression as if he was struggling not to smile. For once his hair was combed back and out of his face and Hermione thought he looked much older and mature than many of the other students.
"Look at James." Sirius muttered. Hermione turned away from the strange sight to see a very distressing one.
James looked crushed. His eyes were almost closed as if he couldn't bear to look at Lily happy with anyone else. He slouched against a pillar and swirled a cup of butterbeer absently. His legs were crossed and he looked as if he had closed himself off to the party. He slung the cup back before turning away and walking out.
"I should go check on him." Sirius muttered. He gently touched Hermione's shoulder before giving her a smile and following his best friend out.
"You're a good friend Sirius." Hermione whispered to the air. She shook her head and tried to rid herself of that last image of James.
"What was that?" Remus asked behind her and Hermione smiled as she spun.
"There you are! Are you having fun?"
Remus slowed as she spun and Hermione could see his eyes flash a bright gold for a moment. Over her time with here with Remus, Hermione had learned that Remus was still struggling with his self control. In the future, when she knew him, he had mastered it, but when he was younger, Remus had trouble controlling emotions. When his emotions ran high it was easier for the wolf part of himself to take over and it would usually show in his eyes. Hermione wondered what emotion he'd felt at the sight of her but she decided to ask him about it later.
"Hermione…" His voice was ragged and husky and Hermione's brow furrowed in concern. "You look so beautiful."
Hermione blushed more than she ever had in her life and nervously tugged at the skirt of her dress. "It's not really my color." She sighed but Remus grabbed her hand and began tugging her toward a different exit than the one Sirius and James had taken.
"Come with me."
"I-oh-okay." Hermione stuttered as a very strong werewolf pulled her from the party and dragged her to some unknown location.
Finally, after taking her down several different hallways and corridors he pulled her into a hidden cove behind a tapestry. He didn't let go of her hand until she was between the wall and his tall frame.
"What are we-"
"I had to get away from the stuffy party." Remus sighed and his head dropped against the wall over her shoulder beside her head. He was breathing deeply into her ear and his chest would lightly touch hers with each breath.
Hermione was hyperaware of their closeness. He was obscuring her view of everything but it felt so right to be here. She knew that she'd been feeling strange around Remus lately, but she hadn't realized why until this moment. She wanted him. Maybe not more than her desire to go home, to see her friends and family again, but something about this boy made her want to reach out and feel his warmth and strength. She wanted him close to her, closer than he was now, emotionally and physically. But there were so many reasons not to that it was only with trepidation that she reached up and laid her hand on Remus' shoulder. He stiffened under her touch and she figured he must have realized how close they were because he stood up straight.
But no matter how hard she tried, Hermione couldn't move her hand away from his shoulder.
She watched her fingers as they grew a mind of their own and slid up Remus' neck. He relaxed under her touch but was looking at her with a question mark written all over his face.
"Hermione?" His voice was still ragged and Hermione wondered if it was from the running or something else but she ignored the questions as she explored the length of his neck with her hand. He shuddered under her touch and she could feel herself trembling in response.
These feelings were so new and yet familiar. This moment just felt right and she knew it was because of Remus. He always made everything better. Always.
She traced the line of his jaw with her index finger until she came to his chin. Now she couldn't stop staring at his lips, they were almost calling to her.
Hermione slowly slid her finger up and before she could touch them, Remus grabbed her hand. He moved it to the back of his neck and stepped even closer to her.
Remus leaned over her, blocking everything else out and forcing Hermione to stare up at his wonderful blue eyes.
"You don't know how long I've wanted to do this." His voice was husky and once again Hermione could smell the forest that seemed to cling to him, she was drawn closer and closer until she hit his chest. His face was closing in on hers and at the last moment Hermione closed her eyes.
It was exactly like how Hermione imagined it would be, gentle and soft and caring and full of emotion, just like Remus. His lips touched hers and she couldn't think as they increased the pressure gently before pulling away.
It was so tender and gentle and she could feel his breath, hot and ragged against her cool skin. But then it ended too quickly.
She was frozen in place and left begging for more and stunned by the sheer power and feeling that had touched her. Her eyes snapped open and she could see Remus expression. Everything was soft and blurred and she could see the tenderness and concern in his eyes that had flecks of gold in them. This close she could how light reflected off the gold and brought life to the sea of blue. Power was coursing through her veins and making her dizzy with surprise. She'd never felt this way before, never felt so much emotion from such a simple kiss. Of course she didn't have a lot of practice, her kisses with Krum passionate and feverish but clumsy. And her kiss with James seemed insignificant, almost childlike and foolish.
So this is what it was supposed to feel like, like she was soaring through a sea of clear, pure, blue sky and dizzy with power. It made sense that she would learn something so vital and life changing from a professor. But he wasn't really her professor was he? Not yet anyway.
They had barely touched and she wondered what would happen if they deepened it. Would her head explode from the pleasure and intense amazingness that was Remus' touch?
"Remus?"
The blue vanished, replaced by a brilliant gold that blinded her and his breath became ragged and stole the air from her own lungs. His grip tightened and Hermione tried not to flinch. His eyes were filled with fire and held none of their usual softness and kindness and they were beautiful but it also meant… He snatched her jaw in his hands and all her thought processes ceased.
Before she could realize what was about to happen, Remus was closing the gap between them. His mouth slammed against hers and her back was almost snapped in half from the force he was exerting. She wrapped her arms around his neck to stop herself from falling and drew his passionate kisses closer. Pleasure and pain were traveling in waves up and down her entire body and originating everywhere they touched. He moved his mouth over hers roughly. Hermione could feel her knees giving out and her head swam. She moaned into his soft lips which allowed his tongue to enter her lips and explore her mouth. His tongue scrapped over her teeth as his hands moved away from her face. His calloused fingers slid down her neck and she shivered as they scrapped the sensitive skin. Then they were down on her hips, digging into skin and leaving bruises but she didn't really think of this. Never before had a boy kissed her with such passion, she could feel waves of desire rolling off of him and scorching her. It was frightening but also amazing and one of the best kisses she'd experienced.
But she needed more, she leaned into his touch, every part of their bodies was melded together but it wasn't enough. There was a fire burning in her chest and his touch was soothing it, filling her with a feeling of completeness. She ached for her soul to become one with his, but she was losing her breath so she pulled away from him slightly.
Their breathing was ragged and Hermione felt a distinct feeling of loss as their lips separated. His eyes were hooded and they searched her face for permission. "Remus." She whispered.
O
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Sirius once again entered Slughorn's party and dragged a protesting James behind him. "Where is the slimy git?" Sirius growled as he scanned the room for the familiar dark hair and large nosed bat.
"Please Sirius. Just forget it." James sighed and tugged away from Sirius. But the stubborn youth only tightened his grasp and pulled James harder.
Suddenly a flash of red caught his attention and Sirius spotted Lily. She really was quite lovely and he could see James' fascination. If James hadn't already staked a claim he might have gone after her himself. Sirius got a better hold on his friend and dragged him to Lily.
"Hey Red!" Sirius called out to the redhead and she turned away from Marlene and-
There you are. Sirius grinned wolfishly at the boy standing next to Lily.
"Hey." James said behind him and Sirius smirked when Lily smiled back at them. It might have been a first.
"There you are James. Marlene has been looking for you." Lily pointed to the brunette beside her and Sirius gave her an appreciative smile.
"Sorry." James muttered and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He really needed to work on his conversation skills.
"I've actually been looking for Snape." Sirius turned his grey eyed gaze on the surprised teen and grinned wider. "Snape!" He said as if he had only just noticed him and slung an arm around his shoulders. "Come with me!"
Snape snarled as he pushed Sirius away from him and glared at the bane of his existence. "What do you want Black?" He snapped and was annoyed when Sirius only grinned wider. Despite himself, he was curious what Sirius had to say to him, so he followed as the boy walked away from Lily, Marlene and Potter.
"I feel like we've gotten off to a rocky start."
"Rocky?" Snape hissed. He'd had enough. He made a move to turn away and leave the infuriating Sirius Black but the boy grabbed his arm rather tightly.
"Listen." The handsome boy said dangerously. Snape had the desire to laugh in this presumptuous boy's face. He was twice the wizard Black would ever hope to be and yet he was trying to intimidate him, the fool. "I'd like to come to a truce." Sirius held up his hand as if to shake Snape's hand but Snape was too stunned to move.
"What makes you think I would ever care to come to a truce with you?" Snape said furiously. His anger was building with each word that Black said and it grew ten-fold when he once again laid his hand on Snape's shoulder.
"We could be friends I think." Sirius said and nodded as if he actually believed it. "You want to make friends don't you?"
Snape sneered. "Slytherins don't need friends."
"Oh. Don't they?" Sirius smirked and Snape's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What would our dear friend Lily say about that? I think she is a mutual friend of ours, you remember her don't you?"
At the mention of Lily, Snape almost lost his self control. He'd never felt this kind of anger before, it was making his blood boil and pound in his head. His vision was turning red and he had the desire to strike Black furiously, he'd hit the git with magic before of course, but to actually strike him physically and feel the act of causing him injury was more than Snape could stand. But he took a deep breath and stepped away from him.
"Stay away from me you imbecile." Snape managed to growl out. He stormed away and could feel the emotions leave him. Emotions only seemed to cause him trouble.
"You're not curious at all?"
Snape froze and glanced over his shoulder. "Curious about what exactly?" He sneered at the idea that he would ever care about what Potter and his band of hooligans were up too. Unless he was talking about Remus…Snape was sure that something was wrong with that boy. Gone every month and looking sicker and paler every day Snape had known him. Was that what Sirius was talking about?
"We should really sit down and talk about it Snape." Sirius grinned as Snape turned slowly and they glared at each other furiously.
"What's wrong with your friend?" Snape asked. He hoped Black would answer and he could finally set down the mystery that had plagued him for years in peace, but it wasn't meant to be.
"Now that'd be too easy for you Snape. Ask the right question."
"Where does he go every month?" Snape was slightly disturbed by the grin that split Black's face.
"There you go Snivellus." Black said as condescendingly as possible.
Snape's hands clenched into fists at the sound of that name and the desire to strike Black again hit him in full force. But he wouldn't do it. "How do you get away with everything?" Snape sneered at the Black like he was a speck of dirt.
It was something that bothered him about Black and Potter more than anything. They came from good homes, were intelligent and popular, and yet they insisted on finding ways to act out. Black had come from a good family and he had runaway. What Snape would give to escape from his own family. To finally be rid of his abusive father and for his mother to pick up that wand hidden in the closet to hex Tobias Snape into oblivion. But no, she wouldn't, not even when he turned his violence on her own son. Snape's breath became ragged in anger. He hated them. He hated them all.
Except Lily. Lily understood his pain and she had always extended a hand of friendship, even when he didn't deserve it.
"The willow." Sirius said, pulling Snape away from his angry, inner tirade.
"The Whomping Willow?" Snape asked in confusion. "What about it?"
"Just push the knot on the north side of its trunk and you'll see Snivellus." Sirius laughed as he turned away and left Snape feeling more and more angry.