"This is Christmas Present?" Jayne asked, bewildered. "'Cause I don' remember our Christmas tree bein' this big. And I certainly don' recall the reindeers."
He was referring to the gianourmous decorated evergreen erected in the cargo bay, the angel at the top almost scraping the ceiling, and the eight antlered animals flying – yes, flying – around it.
Wash only grinned. "My, my, I'd say Mal's been spending hard this year."
Jayne grunted. Wash should know better. Mal had not paid for this, for sure! He reached the staircase and started making his way down to the lower level while he studied the tree a little closer. It looked like one of those trees you saw on Christmas cards, perfectly even and perfectly decorated with shiny ornaments and such, and not at all like the little, crooked thing Kaylee begged Mal into bringing onboard every year.
There was even a huge pile of presents stacked underneath, and while he was still admiring the sight, he heard another well-known voice.
Kaylee.
He saw her now. She was standing in front of the tree, looking upwards at the flying reindeer, shaking a big bucket of grain. "Come, Comet!" she called. "Come, Blixen! Come, Something! And Something and Something and Something."
And they came. They landed gracefully at the deck and flocked around her, and she reached out the bucket and let them eat, a big smile on her face.
Jayne observed the scene from a distance. He didn't know whether she could see him or not, but nevertheless he didn't want to spoil the moment. He liked seeing her like this; so happy and innocent and perfectly sheltered from all the bad things in the 'verse.
Including himself.
"Here's Kaylee," Wash needlessly pointed out. He'd followed Jayne downstairs and had come to a rest a small step behind him. Kaylee didn't react to his voice, so Jayne concluded that she too was some sort of shadow or whatever. "She always sees the good in people. We're lucky to have her."
"Yeah," Jayne mumbled. "She's alright."
He coughed again. That thing in his chest was still there.
A sound from behind made him turn around. At first, he saw nothing, but then suddenly spotted something red and white moving about under the tree.
He squinted and moved a little closer. Santa?
No. Not Santa.
In a 'verse where paper was rare and old-fashioned books were a luxury mostly reserved for rich people, only two had ever found their way to the shelves in the Cobb home. The first was the old family Bible, the other had been a ragged copy of a Dr. Seuss classic that Jayne's mother had read to him and his siblings every Christmas.
And so Jayne recognized the Grinch when he saw it.
Only, there was something different about this particular Grinch.
It was green and furry, alright, and eagerly filling its bag with gifts and candy, but it vaguely reminded him of someone else as well. And just as he was about to ask Wash to help him identify exactly who that was, Jayne found out on his own.
The Grinch looked like Adelai Niska.
Which was the first thing that evening that made sense to him. Of course Niska would be the Grinch! – coldhearted, double-crossing and full of himself as he was. And here he was stealing all of Kaylee's presents, and Jayne would simply not have it! He reached for his gun, only to find that it wasn't strapped on, and so he looked around for something else instead.
But then he started coughing again, and now that thing in his chest seemed to have grown bigger and it was getting harder to push air past it. He doubled over, trying to put a little more force behind the cough, and he sensed someone move next to him and a bowl was held out in front of his mouth, ready to catch whatever came up. He thought it was Wash and he wanted to warn him about Niska, but when he looked up, he found Simon there instead.
The doctor, dressed in his very best, had arrived out of nowhere and Jayne wanted to ask him how, but he couldn't speak now, only cough and gag. Simon was looking intently at the bowl he was holding. "There you go," he calmly admonished. "Easy does it."
Jayne's vision was swimming by the time he finally managed to rid himself of the problem and something spluttered from his mouth and down into the bowl. He stared at it, surprised. It was yellowish and… glittering?
"Is it gold?" he asked in awe.
"No, Jayne, of course it's not gold," the doctor replied, quietly and patiently.
But it was gold, Jayne was sure of it. And the doctor was taking it all for himself, and even wiped Jayne's chin with a cloth to make sure he got everything. Greedy bastard!
Jayne was about to protest more loudly, but then he remembered Niska and turned around to see if that nasty old man was still around, only to find his path blocked by one of the reindeer.
He scowled at it. He'd learned never to trust animals (something that came naturally when you grew up among wild dogs), and so he kept it under close observation as he tried to figure out a way to chase it off.
This new train of thoughts was interrupted by someone calling his name. "Jayne?"
"Mal?" he called back, because again he recognized the voice. But just like before, the captain was nowhere to be seen. He only saw the tree and Simon… no, wait, Simon was gone.
And so was Wash. And Kaylee.
"Jayne?" Mal said again, more forcefully this time.
"Where are you?"
"I'm right here."
"Where?" Jayne was getting a little irritated.
"Right in front of you."
But the only thing in front of him was the reindeer, and Jayne was about to tell Mal that, when he suddenly saw the look in the animal's eyes and came to a horrifying conclusion. "Uh, Cap?" he said.
"Yes," the reindeer replied.
Jayne stared. And stared. And just kept staring.
"Jayne?" the reindeer probed.
"You're a reindeer!" Jayne exclaimed.
"I'm a what?"
"A reindeer."
"Jayne, you're talking nonsense," the captain/the reindeer said, but it sounded more kind than accusing.
Jayne suddenly remembered Niska. "The Grinch!" he shouted. "We have to stop the Grinch."
"O-kay," the reindeer/Mal slowly replied.
"It's Niska!" Jayne added helpfully.
"Niska?"
"Yes, it's Niska."
"What is?"
"The Grinch, gorramit!"
"Okay, okay, calm down."
"Gotta stop him. Where's my gun?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! No gun, no shootin', not now."
"He's stealin' Christmas! The presents…. He's takin' Kaylee's presents."
"Jayne!" Mal's voice was one of authority, even when coming out of a reindeer's mouth, and for some reason, perhaps out of old habit, Jayne obediently shut his mouth and waited for his captain's instructions. "Shut up."
Apparently, there was more gold in his chest, because just then he started choking and coughing again, and this time it was harder than ever to put any force behind it.
He suddenly couldn't breathe. Which was understandable, seeing as he was lying on the floor with Mal the Reindeer standing atop of him. "Come on, Jayne," the animal shouted down into his face. "Cough like you mean it!"
And he would have, if only that stupid animal would move away from his chest. But he had no voice left to tell him that.
Darkness.
Water.
Water?
He opened his eyes.
He was still on the floor, but stripped of his shirt, and sitting on her knees next to him, was Inara. With slow, graceful movements she twisted the water out of a sponge before gently running it along the skin of his arm.
"'Nara?" he whispered, half expecting her to disappear.
Her gaze met his. "Hello."
And now he knew for certain that this was all a dream, and he even said it out loud. "I'm dreamin'."
She smiled. "Actually, you're not."
He frowned. "You really are givin' me a bath?"
"Nobody else seems to have the mind to give you one. And you should be clean for Christmas."
He watched her lips as she spoke, ruby-red and so very, very beautiful, and then shifted his gaze to a part of her body a little below that. And then he thought he might as well give it a shot, or maybe he didn't think at all, but nevertheless he reached out to touch her breasts.
She stopped his hand, gently but firmly. "Now you are dreaming."
And then she was gone –
And Jayne found himself back in the galley once more, and the room was exactly like before, the grandfather clock included.
He felt his anger rise. "Well, thanks for nothing, Wash!" he shouted. "It made no sense, none of it. Where you at, gorramit? Come on out and explain it to me, little man!"
But the room, and the ship, and the ghost (if he was still there) stayed quiet.
"It don' make no sense," Jayne muttered.
The clock chimed.
"Fine!" Jayne threw his arms out. "Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come, I'm ready for ya. Bring it on!"
And even as he said it, he sensed movement in the darkest corner of the room, and he spun around to squint at the figure stepping out of the shadows and into the light. His heart sank as he recognized the face, but even as it did, it also leaped a little.
"Hello, Jayne," Shepherd Book said.