Rating: T for mild swearing (I think...Maybe not...Can't remember...) and threats of sporking to death.

Summary: Three Billy Goats Gruff, Death Note style. Kira is a cannibal living under a bridge

Spoilers: ...Not much. Matt and Mello appear. Not many ways to spoil stuff in these fairy tale fics.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own The Three Billy Goats Gruff story.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I am on a freaking ROLL this weekend! I like posting on weekends because then more people see it and while I'm not gonna beg for reviews or anything, seeing those hit and review numbers rise is like eating a big piece of strawberry cake. Sadly, this one is short. But I wanted a return of Cannibal Kira and I can't remember when but someone mentioned those three goats and the bridge troll story, and I just had to do it. I might try Alice in Wonderland, but I have never seen Pocahontus (or however you spell her name) or if I have I forgot it so I don't think I can do that one...

So despite the shortness, please enjoy this mini-chapter! Please? Pretty please?

Once upon a giraffe... (Hey, at least it's different!)

There was an evil, cannibalistic person named Kira who lived under a bridge. (Rent for living under a bridge was fairly low, so it was a good deal) And whenever someone walked by, he would eat them. The people in the town on the other side of the bridge kept wondering why they didn't get more visitors.

One day, there weren't many people walking over the bridge and Kira was getting kindof hungry. But he was in luck, because a group of four people were planning to visit the town. No one knows why, but they had decided to split into three groups on the way there.

The first one to walk over to the bridge was super model Misa Amane. She was headed to town for a photo shoot and to get some more make-up and whatnot. She was merrily skipping down the path when she trotted over the stone bridge that Kira lived under. Kira heard the noise, and yelled up,

"Who's that running over my bridge up there?" he roared. "Seriously! I just swept that thing and you're gonna get it all dirty again!"

Misa, not scared at all (because Kira was pretty darn sexy for a cannibal who lived under a bridge), introduced herself in her same peppy way.

"I'm Misa Amane! But you can call me Misa-Misa!" she giggled.

"Well, I'm going to eat you now! (OMNOMNOM!)" he declared.

"Oh no! Don't eat me! I'm a super model! I'm too skinny to eat!" she screamed in terror. "My friends are gonna come along soon and they aren't super models so they won't be as skinny as I am! Eat them instead!"

And while Kira was hungry, he couldn't argue her logic. So he let her cross the bridge. She thanked him and handed him her cell phone number before continuing with her merry skipping of merry merriment.

Soon enough, as she had said, Misa's friends came walking by. Matt and Mello were going to town to pick up a video game Matt had ordered online and get some chocolate for Mello.

"I'm telling you, that squirrel had something against me," Mello scoffed.

"No it didn't. You had no reason to yell at it like that," Matt said, staring at his portable game system's screen and rapidly pressing buttons. "I think you hurt it's feelings."

At this point, they had reached the bridge. Kira, having heard them stepping on the bridge, popped up over the side and yelled,

"Who's that walking across my bridge??"

Mello, surprised that someone had suddenly come up from the bridge, reacted by yelling as well. Though he yelled something different...

"OH MY GOD!! BRIDGE-STALKER!!"

And before you could say 'WTF?', Mello had sent his foot flying into Kira's face in a very powerful kick that sent the cannibal back down to the small stream below the bridge.

"LOL! You got served!" Matt laughed at Kira as he continued across the bridge.

"Hey! Adding insult to injury is MY job!" Mello complained. Then he magically produced a ten-pound bag of ice out of nowhere (because he is just that awesome) and dropped it down so that it smacked Kira right on the noggin. (I love the word noggin.)

"Ice with that burn?" Mello yelled down. "Don't try to stalk our friend who's coming by soon, Bridge-Stalker! Or I will spork you to death with a spork!"

Needless to say, Kira was very upset. He was most certainly NOT a bridge stalker. He was a cannibal! Huge difference. And he hadn't even been burned! (Not like that matters.) Worst of all, he was still hungry and his meal had gotten away. He consoled himself with the fact that Mello had said that their friend would be passing by soon enough. He would NOT let this chance pass him by.

However, once he saw who Mello's friend was, he decided that he could change his mind just this one time.

Because Mello's friend just so happened to be THE HOTTEST guy Kira had ever seen. EVER. EVER!! The extreme hotness almost made him consider actually becoming a bridge-stalker just to stalk him.

They just kindof stared at each other for a little while, L confused as hell and Kira totally checking him out.

"...Aren't you going to try to eat me?" L finally broke the silence with his question.

"No. You're so totally hot I would burn my tongue."

"...That's nice..."

"Will you marry me?"

"Is this planned out at all?"

"No, I just decided. It's love at first sight. Marry me."

"...Only if we don't have to live under a bridge."

And so, they got married and decided to live under L's mansion (with the occasional visit above ground) and they all lived happily ever after (Again, excluding Misa because she was jealous of L for getting to marry the sexy cannibal.)

And the moral of the story is, if you're a sexy cannibal living under a bridge, hold out for the mega-hawt detective. Because the sexy cannibal Kira always ends up with the hawt detective L.

A/N: When Mello calls Kira a bridge stalker, he does NOT mean that Kira stalks bridges. He means that Kira is a stalker who stalks people from the safety of his own bridge.

And I am totally gonna have to have Matt say 'LOL! You got served!' some other time in this fanfiction because that was pretty rawkin' in my opinion. Mello can have 'Ice with that burn' and Matt can have 'LOL! You got served!' (And L and Light can have 'making out in a broom closet at midnight' which is actually sortof my friend's idea except his is more perverted-ish and weird so part-credit to him.)

No squirrel emotions were harmed in the writing of this fic.