Rating: K+ for burning death-ness and threats of death-ness. (Possible swear or two. Can't remember.)

Summary: Hansel and Gretel, Death Note style. L and Light are ditched in the forest by the evil wife lady and come upon the gingerbread house of Misa the Witch.

Spoilers: ...Uh...Not sure...Matt and Mello pop up in the epilogue but that's like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Hansel and Gretel. (Aren't they the Grimm Brothers' or something like that?)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Yup. Can't resist L and that giant candy house.

Oh, I forgot to mention this before, but I'm sorry to all Near fans. I don't really like him that much so he's not gonna appear that often. Please enjoy the silly antics of the other characters.

Once upon a time... (Someone help me think of a better intro or something because I'm sick of this one...)

There was a small family of a mom, a dad, and the two kids they had found in the forest and let live in their home. Sadly, they were poor and couldn't afford enough food. So they and their children, Light and L, began to grow thin (or in L's case, thinner.)

"There's not enough food!" the wife nagged to her husband one night while the kids were in bed. "We're going to STARVE! Let's completely ditch those two kids in the forest. They're weird anyway. And I'm kinda jealous...That Light is to much sexier than me and that L is so much hotter than me..."

"But that would be, like, MEAN!" her husband argued.

"I don't care!" she cried. "Do you not love me anymore? OMFG YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!! You're in love with THEM! Now we really have to get rid of them!"

The husband reluctantly agreed (because he feared a divorce). However, L (who never freaking slept EVER) heard their conversation. He decided that he would save himself and Light (whom he was totally in love with because they aren't actually brothers or anything so that's okay.)

So he walked out of his room and went outside to gather some really shiny pebbles and stuff them in his pockets.

"L? What are you doing?" the wife lady called out from within the house.

"Counteracting your plan and arranging to have you killed," he answered.

"Okay, sweetie! Have fun with that!"

"I will."

--

So the next morning, the wife lady and husband dude took L and Light out to the forest saying that they were all going on a 'family firewood-finding expedition'. As they walked into the forest, L dropped the pebbles behind him to make a trail. The husband dude caught him glancing backwards as he dropped them and asked,

"What are you doing, L?"

"Waiting for the assassin I hired to kill your wife to show up. He's late," replied L.

"Have fun with that!"

"I will."

...Yeah, they have some pretty messed up conversations.

Eventually, the husband and wife told L and Light to sit down and rest for a bit while they went to get firewood. They took that chance to make their escape and run back home.

L, having easily seen through their plan, grabbed Light and dragged him back, following the trail of pebbles.

"Wha-What? What are you doing, L?"

"Saving your life and plotting the downfall of the female in our family."

Realization dawned upon Light, and he figured out what they had been planning.

"They were going to leave us there to die because there's not enough food in the house, weren't they? Good plan, but she's gonna find out what you did and lock the door. I'll leave a bread crumb trail next time,"

"Very well."

When they arrived home, the wife lady was upset but the husband dude was happy. So the wife lady decided to try again. (Persistent, isn't she?)

So this time she locked the door to Light and L's room before she went to bed.

L, unable to get more pebbles to drop, decided that the only option was Light's plan.

—

So the next day, the same thing happened. The 'family' went out for more firewood. Light left trails of breadcrumbs from his lunch bread behind him. The wife noticed Light glancing back every so often and asked,

"Light, what are you doing?"

He answered,

"Feeding stray hobos."

"Why?"

"Your mom."

She didn't ask any more questions.

When they were pretty far into the forest, the wife and husband just plain left L and Light there and ran away back home. When Light looked back to his trail, he realized that the birds had eaten it.

"What are we going to do now?" he whined, before noticing a sweet smell in the air. He and L both turned towards the direction it seemed to come from and walked that way. Soon, they reached a house made entirely out of cake and bread. There were frosting and gumdrop decorations and the windows were made of clear sugar.

"...This is a diabetic coma in the form of real estate..." Light mumbled. But as much as he disliked sweets, he was hungry so he started to nibble on the walls. L had absolutely no problem with it whatsoever and joined in the eating of a house. (I am so totally freaking jealous.)

The witch (with a 'b') who lived in the house heard their nibbling and walked outside to see who it was.

"WHO IS EATING MISA-MISA'S NICE HOUSE?" she screeched. "First Misa-Misa's rapunzel and now this? Why do you people keep eating Misa-Misa's food?"

"We're eating your house," Light and L both replied in unison before introducing themselves.

Misa stopped yelling, because she thought that Light was super duper sexy and she wanted to kiss, date, and marry him. But she didn't like L and decided she would have to get him out of her way.

"Well then come inside! You can eat something besides Misa-Misa's house!" she invited. Light and L glanced at each other and shrugged before following her inside.

Misa had already thought up her plan. She was a cannibal witch, so she would let Light and L live here, and once L was a little more than just a sticky-twiggy skeleton, then she would eat him. (And Kira cheers in the background since he's not the cannibal this time around.) And with L gone, she would have Light all to herself.

When she offered both boys some cake (it would be suspicious to give L one thing and Light another), L accepted with a short "Thank you" and Light declined and asked for something that wouldn't make a dentist faint on sight. She nodded her approval and brought him something else.

This pattern continued for a few days. Misa was shocked. L was simply not gaining any weight. Even while eating disgusting sweets all day long.

"You really should eat something besides candy," Light scolded his friend. L got up from his chair, walked over, and kicked Light in the shins.

After about a week or so, Misa got just plain impatient. L was still exactly the same twiggy-ness as before! She was rather jealous. (Like the wife lady)

So one night when Light was asleep and L was...Well, NOT sleeping, Misa crept into their room and snatched L from the bed, holding a hand over his mouth to make sure he didn't wake Light. She'd already heated the oven up in advance, so she just tossed him down on the kitchen floor.

"Misa-Misa is going to kiss, date, and marry Light-kun so she is going to eat L-kun so she can have Light-kun to herself," she explained. "Go climb into the oven so I can eat you."

L, realizing that this witch was not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, walked over and carefully inspected the oven. He had an idea.

"I do not think I will be able to fit in Witch-san's oven," he declared. "It is too small."

Misa blinked. She definitely hadn't seen that coming. Her oven had always been plenty big. And since L was so skinny, she had been positive he would fit.

"Don't try to trick Misa-Misa with your silly nonsense! Misa-Misa's oven is fine! Misa-Misa can fit in it, and she is the same size as L-kun!" she proclaimed.

"Then prove it," challenged L. Misa huffed and pushed him out of the way before climbing into the warm oven.

"See? Misa-Misa fits just fine! L-kun is WRONG!" she exclaimed.

"I see. Misa-san was right. Thank you for demonstrating." And with that, L closed up the oven door and locked it. (Why there was a lock on the oven is beyond me.) Then, just for good measure, he kicked the oven in...Wherever oven-shins are.

Turns out, Misa had piles of jewels and pearls and expensive outfits and gold and that kind of stuff around her house. Smiling, L woke Light up and dragged him over to where he'd found the treasures while explaining what had happened. Light was confused, but understood. It was mean to kill Misa, but if she had been planning to eat (WTF?) L, then it was okay that she was dead.

The two boys stuffed their pockets with treasure and decided to take another attempt at finding home. When they walked out, L pointed to a bird he'd see by their house a lot and they followed the bird back home. (Smart bird.)

The husband eagerly let them in. The wife had divorced him since he'd been sad over leaving Light and L. ("Actually, I think she was jealous of my socks," he explained.) Using the stuff that L and Light had brought back, they were able to buy food and they all lived happily. L and Light grew up to be very hot and sexy (respectively) and got married and lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

The two plot fairies, Matt and Mello, sat on Misa's oven, still laughing at her pitiful death. She really should have seen it coming.

"Lol, she got served," Matt sniggered. He leaned over to peer into the oven, but then became quickly confused. Mello noticed this and also looked inside. Near Misa's skeleton was a little pile of burnt and melted plastic.

"WTF? What's with the plastic?" Matt asked, turning to Mello. (Since it was likely Mello's fault.)

"That sucks!" Mello complained. "The ice cube tray melted!"

A/N: Woooo! Notice my discreet and hidden 'Ice with that burn?' joke! NOTICE IT AND TREMBLE!

Matt is a plot fairy in training. I should totally write an fanfiction about that...