Rating: T for death, violence, and possibly a swear or two.

Summary: The Tinder Box, Death Note style. After helping Misa, Light receives an old tinderbox that just might help him get the most beautiful (and hot) princess in the kingdom.

Spoilers: Uhh...None besides appearances from Matt, Mello, and Near. (Near appears for a change of pace!) Oh, and Mikami. But he doesn't really show up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. This one specifically is by Hans Christian Anderson.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, very slight one-sided MikamixLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Thank you to all you reviewer people for the constructive criticism! I changed the disclaimer and eliminated all those stupid parentheses comments (which I totally agree, they were outright idiotic) and hopefully this one sounds a bit less crack-ish. I'm not sure. I'm crossing my fingers on that one. So thank you thank you thank you!

The Tinder Box is by Hans Christian Anderson. I Googled 'The Tinder Box Hans Christian Anderson' to find it. Just search for that phrase exactly and it should be the first link at the top. It was suggested by fouloldron in a review from way back at chapter five. I was all busy with the common fairy tales that I already knew but I went to read it out of curiosity and it was so darn cool-sounding that I had to give it a shot. Longest fairy tale here so far. So thanks to fouloldron! I hope this doesn't suck! XD

Once upon a time in a land that's not actually that far away if you know the right shortcut...

There was a very strong and sexy soldier named Light who was walking down the road. As he was walking, he saw a girl. She glanced at him, then immediately grinned and latched onto his arm.

"Oooo! You are such a big and strong soldier!" she exclaimed. "So Misa-Misa is going to let you help her!" Just as Light had been about to ask why she expected him to help her, she continued, "You'll get all the money you can carry in return!"

Light wasn't greedy, but that was a pretty good deal. So he introduced himself and asked what he had to do to help her out.

"Okay, listen closely, Light." He nodded, showing that she had his complete focus. "You'll need to climb up to the top of that tree and there will be a hole there. Misa-Misa will tie a rope around your waist so she can pull you back up once you crawl into the hole and fall aaaaa-aaall the way down," she explained, reaching up and then lowering her hand to the ground to mimic 'all the way down.' "And then you'll be in this hallway with a bunch of lights and three doors." she held up three fingers. "And all three doors will have the keys in the locks so you can open them.

"So when you open up the first door, there'll be a little boy sitting on it and he'll have these big ol' eyes that are as big as...as..." she paused, and made circles with her hands, putting them over her own eyes to show how big the boy's eyes would be. "Like as big as teacups! That big! And he'll be staring right at you!"

"That sounds a little creepy," Light shivered a bit at the thought.

"Light doesn't need to be scared! Misa-Misa will give him her pretty apron with these nice blue checker squares on it!" Misa exclaimed, smiling cheerfully as she pulled a bright, blue-checkered apron from her purse. Light stared for a moment, confused.

"...An apron?" Light clarified. Misa nodded enthusiastically. "How is that supposed to help me?"

"Well, if Light puts the boy with the big eyes on it, then he can get to the treasure," Misa explained as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"...Can't I just set him on the ground?"

"That's boring though. Stop complaining. At least you're getting paid," Plot Fairy Mello added out of nowhere.

"Correct!" Misa chirped. "Fairy-tale rules say so! So Light will put the big-eyed boy on the apron and then he can open up the treasure chest and there'll be lots of copper coins inside. He can take as many of those as he wants."

"Or as many as he can carry. Whichever comes first," Mello added.

"Then he will have to go to the second door and enter the second room. And in there there will be another boy. He has big eyes too, except bigger!" Misa held her hands by her eyes again and spread out her fingers in a gesture of the word 'bigger.'

"As big as those wheels on a windmill. Huge eyes," Mello nodded his approval of their descriptions.

"And he'll be sitting on a treasure chest too! So Light will have to pick him up and put him on the apron too. Then Light can open up the second chest. That one will have all these pretty silver coins in it."

"Shiny silver coins. Like the moon," agreed Mello.

"And Light can take those too. They're so pretty!" Misa stopped for a moment, seeming to space out into her own dreamland. Thankfully she snapped out of it before Light or Mello had to slap her. "Oh, right. And then behind the third door there is–"

"Another boy sitting on a treasure chest with even bigger eyes than the last?" Light guessed. Misa and Mello both nodded.

"Eyes as big as...as..." Misa stumbled over her words as she tried to think of an analogy. She did wave her arms around in an over-exaggerated motion for how gigantic they were. "As big as..."

"A giant, twenty-three story skyscraper built by a hot, super-genius detective named after the twelfth letter of the alphabet!" Mello finished.

"Yeah, that! And then Light will have to put him on the apron too and then he can open up the chest and it'll be filled with even shinier gold coins!" Misa exclaimed.

"Even shinier than the silver coins! So shiny, you can kill ants by reflecting the sun off them," Mello put in his own two-cents.

"Um...Okay..." Light said, confused. He wasn't quite sure if he believed her, but it was worth a shot. "So what do I have to help you with?"

Misa blinked. "Help me?" she asked, momentarily confused. She soon remembered though, and one could almost see the lightbulb above her head. "Oh, right! Misa-Misa needs Light to get her tinderbox back! Her grandmother accidently forgot it down there and she misses it so very much!"

Light nodded. That didn't sound to hard. So he agreed, and Misa tied the rope around Light's waist and they both climbed to the top of the tree. There, they found the hole Misa had mentioned.

"Just yell when you've got everything, Light!" Misa said, handing him her checkered apron before shoving him down the hole. Light fell...and fell...and fell...Then passed a spiral staircase where another version of himself seemed to be climbing endlessly...then fell a little more...Then he hit ground, surprisingly uninjured. When he stepped forward, he stepped off the floor and fell some more before finally stopping.

As Misa had predicted, he was now in a brightly lit hallway with three doors in front of him. He walked over to the first door and, since the key was already in the lock, he swung it open.

Sitting on top of a treasure chest was a small boy with white hair and eyes that were about as big as teacups.

"I'm Near," he introduced himself.

"I'm Light," the soldier replied. Then Light spread the apron out on the floor and picked Near up right off the chest, carrying the boy over and setting him on top of the apron. Near said nothing more, simply sitting calmly.

And, sure enough, when Light opened up the chest there were piles and piles of copper coins. So he stuffed his pockets and wallet with as many as they could hold before returning Near to his spot on the treasure chest and picking the apron back up again. He gave a little wave good-bye before walking back out and heading over to the second door.

The moment he opened the door, a voice yelled, "STARING CONTEST!"

Out of sheer surprise, he blinked, and the red-haired boy sitting on the chest laughed. His eyes were huge! They were as big as...Well, as windmill wheels!

"Lol, you got served! I'm Matt," he chuckled. Light, still confused, introduced himself as well as he spread out the apron once more Then he simply picked Matt up off the chest (ignoring the boy's complaints) and set him on the apron.

When Light opened up the second chest and saw all the shining silver coins, he was amazed. Mello and Misa had been right, they were really shiny.

"Forget the copper coins!" he exclaimed. "These are so much more valuable!" So he emptied his pockets and his wallet of the copper coins and instead stuffed them with the silver coins.

When he picked up Matt again, the redhead complained, "What, you aren't even going to clean up after yourself? Thanks a lot..." Light ignored him and simply plopped him back down on the chest before retrieving the apron and moving onto the next room.

In the next room, the first, and only, things he saw were the giant eyes of the third boy. He had to move around a bit to see past those eyes since they really were as tall as skyscrapers...But he recognized the person behind them.

"Mello?"

"Have I freaked you out yet?" the former plot fairy grinned.

"Weren't you a plot fairy just before?"

"What, I'm not hot and awesome enough to play two roles? I'm not a main character like oh-so-special-Light. Don't deny my fans the joy of my amazing presence," Mello argued. And Light couldn't disagree. So he shut up and spread the apron on the floor, repeating the process of moving the boy and opening the chest.

Those gold coins were so fantastic and shiny that he tossed away all the silver coins and stuffed gold coins in all his pockets, his wallet, and in his shoes, hat, socks, and shirt. Then he walked back out and yelled up to Misa that he was finished.

"Did you remember Misa-Misa's tinderbox?" she called back. Light replied that he'd forgotten and went back into Mello's room.

"Hey, have you seen a tinderbox around here lately?" he asked, resisting the urge to flinch under Mello's intense gaze.

"Yeah, Matt's got it. He was using it to light cigarettes," replied the giant-eyed boy. Light thanked him and went back to Matt's room. Matt had been lighting a cigarette at the time, but handed over the tinderbox when asked.

Light yelled up again, and this time Misa pulled him back up. It was no easy feat, what with his pockets of gold, but she managed.

"Yay! Misa-Misa would like her tinderbox now, please!" she exclaimed.

"Wait a moment," Light hesitated. Misa stopped as he had asked, a confused look on her face. "Why is this tinderbox so important to you?"

Misa blinked. Then smiled, though it was a more sinister smile than a nice one. "It's–a–secret!" she sang, reaching out for the box.

Light held it out of her reach, refusing to give in. "If you don't tell me, I'll cut your head off."

Misa frowned, looking as though she were about to cry. She knew what the script said. "No. Misa-Misa cannot tell Light-kun."

So, true to his word, Light cut off her head. He wasn't a totally heartless villain and was sad upon her death, but he wasn't going to sit there and mourn someone he didn't even know.

So he walked out of the forest and towards town. It was strange, but as he left he could have sworn he heard someone yell, "Lol, you got SERVED!" at Misa's corpse. He shrugged it off, assuming the wind was playing tricks on him.

When he got to town, he used all his gold to buy all the best things. He lived in a grand house with grand clothes that accented his grand sexiness and he had a lot of grand friends (and one grand stalker named Mikami Teru.) And life went pretty darn good.

But nothing lasts forever, and with time, Light was nearly out of money. Soon he had to move out and since he was no longer filthy stinkin' rich, most of the friends he had in town didn't recognize him anymore without his fancy clothes and whatnot.

So he found himself living in the musty attic of some hotel place. His last candle had burned out and it was nearly night. Then he remembered: He still had the tinderbox! There was a small piece of candle in there!

So he pulled the tinderbox out from where he had kept it all this time (forgotten, but not lost) and hit the metal against the flint. As a few sparks spurted up, the first boy from the three, Near, ran up and asked Light, "What are your orders, master?"

Light blinked, rather confused. This was a rather nice surprise.

"Bring me some money, please," he instructed. At this, Near dashed off and came back in moments with a purse full of copper coins.

Light smiled. After a little bit of experimenting, he found that if he struck the tinderbox once, Near would show up. Twice, and Matt would show up. And three times would bring Mello. And they would all listen to him. Soon, he was even richer than before and went back to his old lifestyle.

As he was strolling through the park one day, though it wasn't the merry, merry month of May, he had stopped to have a chat with one of his friends. Eventually their topic moved to be about the giant castle of this kingdom.

"I've never seen the princess. Do they have one?" Light asked at random.

"Yes, he's very beautiful," the villager nodded. Light was mildly confused as to why this princess was a guy, but he motioned for his friend to continue. "The king hides him up in the tower next to the castle because some prophecy says she'll marry a common soldier and he doesn't want that to happen. Only the king is allowed to see her."

Light nodded and continued conversing. In his head, he thought, Boy, I would certainly like to meet this princess, even if the princess is a guy...

So that night he went back to his fancy-pancy house and sat on his bed.

"Everyone says the princess is beautiful, but it doesn't matter if he's always stuck in the tower..." he mused aloud. "Is there any way I can see her?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his tinderbox. With a sudden idea, he struck the tinderbox once. Immediately, Near was at his side and asking what his orders were.

"Go get me the princess from the castle!" he commanded. Near nodded and scurried off. He soon reached the castle and broke into the tower. There were lots and lots of stairs there, built in the memory of another prince and his princess in a fairy tale. Near trudged up all of them and finally reached the princess' room.

Princess L was awake and completely dumbfounded at the sight of the giant-eyed Near. Near stared right back, pulled the script out of his pocket, and read over the part.

"Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" Near asked, still reading over to make sure he wasn't incorrect.

"I'm not tired," L explained with a shrug.

"I'll fix this..." sighed the Mello Plot Fairy, back again. He picked up a club from the corner of the room and, in the perfect example of violence solving all problems, knocked L unconscious with one swift 'thwack'.

"Was that really necessary?" Near asked as he walked over and picked up the now-sleeping-and-bleeding-at-the-same-time L using his newfound superstrength. Mello shrugged.

"Probably not. But it sure as hell was a lot quicker." When Near didn't argue and simply walked away, Mello flew off as well.

In ten minutes, Near had returned to Light carrying Princess L with him. Light smiled, and admired L's amazing and awesome and totally freaking hot beauty. In fact, Princess L was so beautiful, that Light couldn't resist planting a loving kiss on the princess' lips. Then he decided that he should return L to the tower before he was caught, and sent Near back. Near almost argued that that had been such a short visit for all the work it had taken, but decided against it and simply brought L back.

The next morning, Princess L told the king about the amazing dream he'd had about a boy who had carried him to this soldier who'd kissed him. Then he'd complained about this massive headache he'd gotten and how he'd woken up with a head wound.

"The plot fairy hit me with a club when me and the boy were arguing about how I wasn't sleeping," he answered as though this were a perfectly believable idea.

The king stared for a little bit, then replied, "That's nice, L." Then he simply walked out. He fetched one of the castle's knights and ordered him to watch L to see if he went anywhere. Just in case.

So the knight hid in L's closet during the night. L had fallen asleep, thanks to some sleeping pills snuck into his tea that evening in order to avoid another incident like the last one.

The knight stared on in shock as a little albino boy dashed in, sighed in relief, then ran off with the princess. Determined, Knight-Guy chased after them, staying far enough behind to not be spotted.

Soon enough, the boy carried the princess up and through the window of a pretty fancy looking house. To remember which house it was, the knight drew a smiley-face on the door using a spare crayon he kept in his pocket. Content, he walked back to inform the king.

As Near was leaving, however, he spotted the smiley face on the door and immediately understood what had happened. So he took out a crayon of his own and drew smiley-faces all over all the doors in the neighborhood. Then he returned princess L to his room and left.

The next day, the knight led the king over to where he'd followed the boy to.

"It's the one with the smiley-face, your highness!" he explained, pointing to a house with a smiley-face on the door.

"What about that one?" the king asked, pointing towards another house with a smiley-face on it.

Needless to say, they were very confused. They finally gave up, and decided to try Plan B. Plan B usually tended to work, so they weren't worried.

For Plan B, they did the same as the last night. They drugged L's tea to get him to fall asleep and then left him there. But the knight didn't follow L. They tied a small pouch of tiny pebbles around L's waist and poked a hole in it.

So when Near came by and carried Princess L back to Light's house, the pebbles fell out and left a trail for them to follow in the morning.

Unfortunately, Near didn't spot the tiny pebbles and simply brought princess L back to the tower for the night. So the next morning, the king and knight followed the trail of pebbles back to Light's house and captured him. The king decided that Light would be hung. A little harsh, but he didn't care.

As the castle knights were taking Light to the gallows place to be hung, Light spotted a little boy walking by. He got an idea, and asked to stop to talk to him.

"Little boy, I'll give you four silver coins if you go back to my house over there and bring me my tinderbox," he said. The boy's eyes glittered at the thought of four silver coins and quickly ran back to get the box. He ran as fast as he could and soon returned with the box. Light thanked him, took the box, and handed the boy the promised coins.

Exactly as planned...

Soon, it was set up so that everyone in the village would watch Light be hung or hanged or whatever it's called. Before they opened up the floor to kill him, Light announced that he had a last request to be granted. He wanted to smoke a pipe, just because he was going to die. It was so simple that no one had any objections.

So Light pulled out his tinderbox and struck once, twice, and then three times. All three of the boys soon rushed up.

"Help me out! If I'm hanged, I'll never get to marry the princess!" Light yelled.

"I know how to solve this problem!" Mello said.

"With violence?" Matt inquired.

"Hell yes!"

And so, Matt and Mello used their super strength to throw all the judges and executioners up into the air. Then they all fell back down and broke into little tiny pieces. Near said that he wasn't all too fond of violence like Matt and Mello were, so he just sat back and watched.

Once Matt and Mello had killed the king and queen, all the people in the crowd were silent. Then, one man finally spoke up for all of them.

"Oh great soldier Light!" he announced. "Since our king and queen are dead, we will appoint you as the new king and allow you to marry the beautiful Princess L."

"Beautiful doesn't cover it!" someone else complained. "He's also really handsome."

"And good-looking!" said another villager.

"And pretty!" shouted a third person.

"And totally hot and delicious!" Mello added.

"FINE!" yelled the first man. "We will appoint you as the new king and allow you to marry the beautiful, handsome, good-looking, pretty, and totally hot and delicious Princess L. Happy?" There were murmurs of approval from the crowd and Light grinned. Perfect.

So L married Princess L and Princess L was happy about becoming queen and being allowed to leave that stupid tower. They had an awesome wedding and everyone celebrated. The three boys got to live in the castle as well.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

One day, Light remembered that he'd ditched Misa's corpse in the forest and decided that since her tinderbox had brought him so much joy (and a hot wife/husband), she at least deserved a proper burial.

So he walked out to the forest to find her corpse. It wasn't that easy to find because it hadn't decayed that much yet. Turns out, someone had frozen the body in a giant block of ice.

He couldn't imagine why.

A/N: I can imagine why. XD So I hope this one didn't suck that much. I like it. It's one of the longest fairy tales so far. Good story, good story.