Rating: T for the D-word

Summary: Beauty and the Beast, Death Note style. I am unable to come up with a summary. It has to do with a really hot detective and an ultra sexy beast/prince though.

Spoilers: Hmm...Well, Takada shows up and Mello the Plot Fairy is mentioned, but that's it. Nothing much.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, I can't remember much about the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast, so I just did a Google search for it and used a few versions that I got along with my screwy imagination. Hopefully it turned out okay. I dunno. I lost my sense of humor for a bit so it might not be that great.

Once (insert synonym for 'upon' here) a time...

There was a traveling merchant guy who had two beautiful adopted daughters and one extremely hot adopted son. The readers are allowed three guesses on who the son is, and the first two don't count.

One day, the Traveling Merchant Matsuda had to go on a trip, so he asked his kids what they wanted him to bring back for them.

"GASP! Misa-Misa wants a pretty dress and some nice shoes and a frilly hat and some fancy gloves and a PUPPY!" his daughter, Misa, squealed.

"I would like some earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, a ring, and all sorts of fancy, expensive jewelry that costs far more than it should," his other daughter, Takada, requested.

"Since Matsuda-san is going to go bankrupt from Amane-san's and Takada-san's requests, I do not want anything," the son, L, droned.

"But L! It's not fair if you don't get anything! At least something small!" Matsuda complained in a very whiney-like fashion. L sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Very well. Matsuda-san may bring me a strawberry."

And so, Matsuda went out on his trip. He bought everything his daughters had asked for, but waited a bit to get L's strawberry. It would spoil if he got it too soon.

Just before he left to head home, he looked around for strawberries. None of the merchants had them, and he searched high and low, but to no avail. Eventually, he saw a beautiful garden filled with all sorts of fruits, including strawberries!

Smiling cheerfully at his luck, Matsuda carefully picked just one strawberry from the plant, but the moment he did, a huge (and yet very sexy) monstrous beast stomped over to him.

"Why are you stealing my strawberry?" the beast roared.

"W-well my son asked me to bring one home to him, but I couldn't find any...so..." Matsuda stuttered and trembled in fear. "Please don't kill me..."

"No, I won't kill you..." Beast Light said. "But you do have to get a punishment. The last time someone stole from me was when this woman stole some of my rapunzel. I kicked her into another dimension. Last I heard, she traded her child for more of the stuff. I don't know why she'd trade a kid for a plant, but..." He paused, seeming to think things over a bit. "This son of yours...Is he hot?"

Matsuda blinked, obviously thrown off by the question. "W...Well, yes...But–"

"Okay then. He'll come live with me then in exchange for your stealing."

Matsuda was given no say in this matter, so he returned home in a much worse mood than when he'd left. How am I going to tell L about this? About how I have to trade him for a strawberry? Wow, that sounds really pathetic...

Once he walked in, Misa and Takada immediately tackled him to the ground and thanked him for their amazing gifts. Then they scampered off to try everything on.

This left L and Matsuda on their own, with some bad news to be heard.

"Umm...Here's the strawberry...But...The thing is...To get it, I kinda had to trade you for it...So now you have to live with the beast guy..." Matsuda attempted to explain, failing miserably.

"Is he hot?" L asked. Matsuda blinked, remembered the question.

"Well...Not exactly...More like sexy than hot and in a beast sort of way..."

"Alright then. I'm leaving. Bye, Matsuda-san," L said, popping the strawberry into his mouth and walking out the door, leaving a very confused Matsuda on the floor wondering what on Earth had just happened.

L made the journey over to Light's mansion and knocked on the door. No one answered, but it swung open nonetheless. He assumed this was his welcome, so he walked inside and explored around.

It was a pretty darn huge mansion. Like, really huge. As-huge-as-those-giant-thorns-from-Sleeping-Beauty-but-bigger huge. Yeah, that huge.

L explored for an hour, and yet could not find this beast anywhere. So he finally stopped to rest when he came to a dining room. He sat down at the table and sighed.

"I wish I had some cake..." he mumbled to himself. Almost instantly, a pair of imaginary hands dashed in and dropped a beautiful plate of strawberry cheesecake right in front of him, complete with a very decorative fork. L smiled, thanked the invisible presence, and ate the cake cheerfully.

Once he finished, he decided to experiment. When he asked for a glass of water, he got it. When he asked to watch a movie, he got a TV and a rack of DVDs. When he asked that the walls be painted a different color, they immediately changed colors and the room smelled like paint.

Some sort of house magic was bringing him whatever he asked for. And that wasn't a bad thing.

As a final experiment, L said, "I wish that the beast I came here to supposedly live with was here in this room right now."

He waited, then heard a faint yelling from another room. In mere moments, the invisible hands had practically dragged the beast Light into the room kicking and screaming that he hadn't finished styling his hair yet.

However, he shut up when he noticed L in the room. The two of them stared at each other for about five minutes, looking the other up and down. Light was the one to say something first.

"Wow, you really are hot!" he exclaimed, grinning. L remained expressionless, but inside his head he was happy for the compliment.

For the next month, L lived in the mansion with Light. Whenever L asked for something, the magical presence brought it to him. He and Light talked a lot and grew closer. They became best friends, maybe more! (Most definitely more. Most definitely...)

One day, L decided that Matsuda probably missed him by now. Misa and Takada were probably celebrating his disappearance, but Matsuda would be upset. So he asked Light if he could go visit. Light hesitated, but said okay and bid L farewell. I would have been a teary scene, if L had been leaving for more than just a day.

L spent the day catching up with Matsuda and avoiding Misa and Takada. No reason to spoil their fun. Apparently, Matsuda had become successful and everything had been going well. He still missed L, but he was glad that his son was happy.

Around midnight, L wished himself back to Light's house and was magically teleported back. But when he did, he couldn't find Light anywhere! He didn't bother with wishing for it. That wouldn't be very plot-like and would incur the wrath of Mello the Plot Fairy.

So he continued his search. He looked everywhere in the entire mansion, and still no Light! Then he finally went outside to check in the gardens. And that was where he found the beast, curled up in the strawberry plants on the ground.

L poked the body, hoping that Light wasn't dead. There was no resistance whatsoever. So L did exactly what he was supposed to do. That was burst into tears and sob in a very dramatic and hot fashion.

"Don't be dead, Light-kun! This house is so awesome that I don't want to leave and you are so nice and...and..." He paused mid-speech to make sure he was remembering this line correctly. He was. "AND I LOVE YOU!"

At those three words, the beast's body cracked into half and confetti sprayed out of it. Then a handsome (and sexy, of course) prince burst out with a huge grin.

"SURPRISE!" Light yelled. L froze, shocked by the 'surprise'. After all, if your boyfriend suddenly burst into two and a really sexy guy popped out, you'd be pretty shocked too.

"...Huh?" L asked, dead confused.

"Well you see, I was cursed to be a freaky beast guy until I could love someone and have them love me back and I loved you so when you left I got really upset and came out here and then you came back and said you loved me and now I'm FREE!" Light explained. L just stared. Since he didn't say anything, Light continued,

"Marry me?"

L hesitated, still confused as to why the beast had been living with had Just exploded into a prince. But this prince was pretty damn sexy. "Sure."

And so, the two got married (as usual) and lived in Light's perfect wish-granting house. Misa and Takada were jealous of L's sexy boyfriend, so they moved to the other side of the world. Matsuda was happy for his son and continued his merchant business, visiting L and Light every week or so. Mello the plot fairy argued that he hadn't gotten enough scenes and that the author is lazy and mean. The author was too lazy to reply, so she just decided to end the story with

And they all lived happily ever after. (Excluding Mello, Misa, and Takada.)

A/N: I hate my inspiration. It strikes at all the wrong times. I really need to work on Mello's fic, but I have about seven fics in my 'In Progress' folder. The funny thing is: Only one, yes ONE, of them has a second chapter completed. One. This is why I don't post anything until it's finished. Because my fics tend to die once I get the part in my head written out.

Even worse? I'm started to run out of fairy tale inspiration. As of recent, my humor-ness is starting to slow down. It might be because my school year is nearing an end (Yay summer!) and that means every single class is throwing some huge project in my face and if I don't finish all of them then my grades will die a horrible death of pain and suffering. Add on the inspiration that Life keeps slapping me in the face with, and that equals pain. And an exact countdown of the number of school days left until I can stop waking up early in the morning and start spending my life drooling over the delicious yaoi in my head.

...Mmmm...Yaoi... XP