A/N - Sorry, for the confusion that some readers experienced with last chapter. The italic portion was a fantasy that Maura was having. I should have been more clear. Another chapter. Thanks for reading, reviewing, and enjoying.
Maura's sudden declaration of her love had left Jane speechless as she stared unseeingly at the moving mass of shell that was Maura's tortoise. Bass's methodical movements mirrored her own slow comprehension of the blonde's words and, more importantly, how to respond.
For all of her 38 years on the planet, Jane had never had to deal with matters involving the heart. Love was never stated, it was implied. When Jane had been growing up, love wasn't a word thrown around the Rizzoli household unless it was necessary. As she got older, Jane had always been focused on showing the men in her life that she wasn't just a woman but a vital member of the team. This mentality had arose seemingly from birth as she roughhoused with her brothers for her favorite toy and had continued since she had entered the Boston Police Department as a wet-behind-the-ears adult with something to prove.
Despite her slim relationship experience, Jane could not recall a single moment when a man had told her that they loved her. Sure, the homicide detective recalled, she had gotten the typical boyish commentary ranging from, "I can't live without you," or the ever popular "I love everything about you," without any real expansion on what "everything" entailed. She had never expected to hear those three simple words strung together in a sentence before by anyone besides her immediate family, but as Maura's hand began to play a small melody upon her waist, Jane wanted lightning to strike twice.
Tingling vibrations ran from her throat as Maura's slim frame fitted snuggly against her body. This was what she needed; this is what I've been waiting my whole life for. But Jane found it impossible to connect her burgeoning need into love. She appreciated the doctor's presence in her life, that much was certain but it was hard to make the leap from friendly appreciation into love; at least, the kind of love Maura needed from her. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Maura but Jane felt trapped between two impossible decisions. Either hurt her now, or hurt her later…what's it going to be?
"Maura," her voice cracked as the words she was about to say, weighed heavily against her mind. "I can't do this. I can't be what you need me to be."
The slight vibrations from Jane's words against Maura's cheek woke her up from her daydream as she looked up into Jane's tear-stained eyes. "Jane…what's wrong? Why are you crying-"
"I can't deal with this right now, Maura. I just can't do this, okay," the brunette interrupted before grasping her hands in an effort to stop their shaking.
She could hardly concentrate as Maura stared questioningly into her, now guarded, eyes. Jane's eyes flitted across the room anxiously to retain the little resolve she had built up to go through with her actions.
"Please…just leave, Maura." The homicide detective commanded quietly as the emotional strain of retaining her composure continued to build behind the police mask. "I need you to leave. You're making things difficult."
"And you think you aren't doing the same for me? You think I like waking up diagnosing myself with another bout of love sickness?" Maura exclaimed passionately before closing her eyes and taking a calming breath. "You can't tell me that you don't want to at least try seeing where this attraction leads, Jane? The way you touched me earlier…you can't tell me that you aren't interested in giving it a punch."
"And you have managed to stump me again…" Jane removed Maura from her embrace with a slight frown. "What the hell does 'giving it a punch' mean? You must mean 'giving it a shot' but how did you get from 'punch' to 'shot'? Maura, we really need to buy you a book of popular idioms because this is getting a little ridiculous. I don't know what's worse; you trying to be normal or you using words that I haven't seen since I took the SATs back in high school."
Leaning back into Jane's personal space, Maura grabbed the surprised brunette's face with a frown. "Stop trying to change the subject. My experience with women is underdeveloped but even I can tell when someone is aroused. I took Biological Functions of The Homo-Sapiens Response to Sexual Stimulation as one of my graduate study courses. Why are you trying to ignore an obvious hormonal response toward me? Is it…because we're both women? Did you know that several prominent universities have proven that sexuality for women is very fluid-"
"Stop, just stop before you even get started on that train of thought. As glad as I continue to be at your endless well of knowledge," Jane interrupted with a expressionless tone before shaking her head out of Maura's soft hold. "I really don't want to talk about it."
With a shrug of reluctant acceptance, Maura stood up from Jane's worn-in couch and prepared to leave for the second time that evening. Despite her seemingly nonchalant behavior, Jane knew that the blonde had to be hurt by Jane's sudden coldness. There was no other choice. I'm hardly ready to be in a relationship, nonetheless, a relationship with my best friend who happens to be a woman. That's a helluva lot to process.
As Maura gathered up Bass's playpen and said good-bye to Jo, who had managed to sneak from her bedroom, Jane began to collect up the tortoise's bags to put them in the doctor's car.
After Jane placed one of the bags upon her shoulder she found herself immediately starting to fall under the weight. "What the…what's in the bag, Maura? All of the heels you've bought in the last six months?"
Maura looked over her shoulder dismissively, walking over to Jane and picking up the bag with little effort. "Bass is a tortoise."
"And I'm a human. You don't see me walking around with bags full of every last memory since childhood. And you know what, Maura? I hate it when you use vague statements to answer questions." Jane said half-heartedly as she followed Maura out of her apartment, closing the door behind her.
"I meant that Bass has a lot of needs that have to be met in order for him to be happy. If those needs are ignored, Bass can become sullen and very hard to live with." Maura said in a half-whisper before turning back slightly to face Jane. "I'm sure you understand that, the power of needs and what not?"
The brunette stopped awkwardly against the stairs for a brief second. "No, I don't. And you know, Maura, just because you haven't had sex in a while, doesn't mean you can lump all of us in the same boat."
"But I never said anything about boats and I wasn't talking about my sex life either. Are you projecting, Jane? That's not a very healthy lifestyle choice."
"How can I 'project' when I don't even know what that means," Jane shot back at Maura as they reached her scarlet Aston Martin DB9. "Damn, Maura, please tell me you're renting this beauty? I thought you had an AMG? Did you not like the color or something?"
Maura stopped her task of carefully placing Bass in his car seat to gaze at Jane as she placed the tortoise's bags in the trunk. "Do you like it? Maybe I'll let you drive it sometime when you get your gun and shield back…it'll be your reinstatement present."
"God," the brunette muttered as she walked around the shining sports car in reverence, "I'd love that…just the idea of driving this beast around the I-90 is making me want to call Uckey for another 'mandatory physical assessment.'"
Maura sighed amusedly after walking in front of her path and caressing the scars upon Jane's palms. "I want you to know…that if you need me to wait for you, concerning us, I will. It must have been a shock to have a woman proclaim something like love randomly and, for that, I'm sorry, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel the same way that I did up in your apartment. But there is one big difference…now; I need to hear you say it, Jane. Do you want me to continue being your best friend or do you want to try and see where this attraction leads us? The ice is in your rink, Jane."
Jane was speechless as Maura closed the door of the trunk in preparation to leave. With a small hug, Maura hopped into her car. The purr of the expensive British sports-car engine echoed through the empty darkened street as she drove off in to the Boston streets.
"Wait…the expression is 'the ball is in your court' not 'the ice is in your rink'," A sudden cold breeze blazed through the lonely slim woman's frame, her sweatpants and tank top providing little protection against the elements. Her feet took her back inside the relative warmth of her apartment building but the chill was still pinging through her bones.
Reaching her floor, a friendly young man who had recently moved in, bumped into the preoccupied woman as he was leaving for another night of clubbing in the city. "Hey, it's Jane, right? You look miserable."
Jane chuckled, pushing by the young man and opening her door. Despite her best interests, she hoped that Maura's expensive perfume was still lingering in her apartment, on her couch, on her sheets. "You can't imagine how miserable I feel, kid."
She slammed the door behind her, not caring to hear the smart-ass response that she was sure the twenty-something year old man would offer. Without Maura in it, her apartment was back to the usual; dark, depression, distressing. Even Joe didn't come to see her after she yelled at her earlier.
Damn it, if I did the right thing, why do I feel like such an idiot?
In exhaustion, Jane solved the pain in the only way she could. Turning on the television to the Home Shopping Network, Jane burrowed into her fortress of quilted sheets that faintly smelled like missed opportunities, grabbed her cell-phone and began dialing.
"Hey…yeah, it's Jane Rizzoli. The usual but instead of extra soy sauce can you just give me extra veggies? Hmm, yeah, I'll order the steamed dumplings on the side. Yes, it's the same credit card number. It'll be, yeah, I know, about 30 minutes. Thanks." The sun had completely evaporated into the coolness of night and, for what felt like the hundredth time, she readied herself for another night of agony. This time, however, the pain would be two-fold. Jane grabbed the florescent orange bottle of pain-relievers.
"Here's to another night alone, Jane." She grabbed the warm bottle of water off the table before washing the pills down, each muscular contraction in her throat a fight as the pills threatened to push back up the brunette's clenched throat. "Here's to yet another night."