Rating: T for booze and a swear or two. (And this is supposed to be a ballet! XD )

Summary: The Nutcracker Prince, Death Note style. L receives an extremely sexy nutcracker as a Cristmas gift, and is thrown into a very strange dream.

Spoilers: Hmmmm...Well, Mello, Matt, and Near are in it, but that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. (I think the nutcracker is a ballet though...Anyways, not me still.)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, the intro part (up to L getting knocked out into his dream land) was written back in December. One of my reviewers (I'm looking at you, midnightstorydesire) suggested it, and I remembered 'oh wait, I started this around Christmas time!' And I figured I might as well save myself the work of a fully story and use something previously written. XD So the beginning will be a little less comedy-ish, since it wasn't meant to be a humor at first.

ATTENTION!!: Since I really liked my superstition bonus chapter, I want to try something out. But the problem is...I don't' know what. So toss me your ideas! A Q&A with the characters, a party to celebrate, random bloopers, or whatever happens to pop up in your odd little mind! Throw a plot fish at me! (Because plot bunnies are sooooooo five minutes ago.) I'm open for ideas! XD

It was a horribly cold winter morning and a slight chill blew through the house. The cool air went unnoticed by the group near the door. There were no parents in the house, only five small orphans, each about the age of eight, all sitting silently at the front entrance. A pile of unwrapped presents were scattered about the living room, most consisting of a large amount of sugar, toys, clothes, and electronic games. They were lucky that they had all been able to agree upon a Christmas plan. Each bought presents for the others. They all knew each other well enough to know what to get and could always ask if they needed an idea. But now, with all the presents opened, they simply sat at the door.

They were waiting. Waiting for the one old man who always dropped by with a special gift for each one of them. All five of them were at the door. White-haired Near was seated patiently on the floor, twirling a strand of hair in one finger. Blonde Mello was sitting in a chair at the table with his best friend, Matt. Mello was eating a chocolate bar, and Matt was playing a handheld video game. Misa, the only girl in the house, was rocking back and forth on her feet by the door, too impatient and excited to stay still. And finally, the last orphan had dark black hair, odd bags under his eyes, and a name with only one letter: L.

All five had been tossed together in the same house that had been left behind by L's parents. There were never any problems financially. L, Mello, Matt, and Near were all working together under an alias as a detective, since they were all child prodigies, and Misa was a super-model. Their house ran smoothly. They were all happy and lived very well considering they were only five children. They had all become quick friends, despite a few arguments here and there, and all had one thing in common come Christmas time.

They all waited for Watari.

That wasn't the old man's real name, but it was what everyone called him. Every year at Christmas, Watari would stop by to drop off some very special toys and gifts for the five children. He not only helped the detective team of four take on cases, but he ran his own toy factory. Therefore, he was always able to have five special toys for each of the little children at Christmas. Watari's visit was the most important part of the holiday. They always woke up early (though Ryuuzaki didn't wake up at all. He never slept. He merely spent all night reading or solving cases) and once everyone was awake they all tore open their presents, tossed them aside, and raced to the door to wait for Watari.

Which was exactly what they were doing now.

The floor creaked under Misa's rocking feet, Mello munched on a chocolate bar, Near let out a long sigh, and Ryuuzaki nibbled on a peppermint candy cane from his stocking while sitting in the odd position that the others always questioned in their heads ("Because if I sat the way other people do my reasoning abilities would drop by forty percent" was the answer every time. None of them believed it, but they'd learned to stop asking. L liked to keep secrets and his sitting position was one of them).

After about an hour of waiting, the door finally creaked open to reveal Watari at the snow-covered doorstep with a sack of toys slung over his shoulder . Everyone jumped up (except for Misa, who was already standing) and cheered. There were warm greetings all over and they all pulled the poor old man into the kitchen where they had already kept a mug of hot chocolate and a plate of holiday cookies warm and toasty for his arrival.

Watari had a huge grin on his face. It always made him joyful to see the five kids who already had their own jobs so happy. Things always went the same once he arrived. They all dragged him into the kitchen for a warm drink and some snacks, all five waited patiently and excitedly for him to finish, and then each would receive their gift. The gifts were very special. The children looked forward to the excitement of receiving the toys, and Watari looked forwards to seeing the truly cheerful looks on their faces.

The five minutes it took for Watari to finish the cookies and hot chocolate seemed to drag on forever. It would have taken longer, had each child not carefully stolen a cookie off the plate. Watari noticed, of course, but he didn't mind. He merely wiped a few stray crumbs off Matt's face as he walked into the living room, with his toy bag and five little kids following right behind him.

The Christmas tree was much taller and brighter than most, reaching up to the twenty foot ceiling with lights and ornaments on almost every single branch. It sparkled and glowed so much that even a blind person would be able to notice it. Wreaths and tinsel decorated each wall and there were stockings hung over an unlit fireplace. Already, there were five tall piles of gifts stacked by one of the four walls.

L, Matt, Mello, Near, and Misa all scurried ahead to take their seats in a semi-circle around by the tree while Watari sat down in front of all them. He watched as five pairs of eyes widened as he reached into the bag that carried the most important gifts of the holiday.

For Near, a giant puzzle that no normal-minded human being would be able to complete. The puzzle was pure white aside from a very detailed N that adorned the upper left corner of the puzzle. The interesting part was that the pieces could stack up like Lego blocks. Near had a wide grin on his face as he thankfully accepted the puzzle and immediately began clicking the pieces together at a rate that would make someone faint from surprise.

For Mello, a 'Make your own Chocolate bar' kit. All he had to do was pour in chocolate syrup and in five minutes he'd have a nice chocolate bar to munch on. It was fudge brown and could easily fit on the kitchen counter or Mello's dresser without taking up that much space. Mello jumped up, yelled out the loudest thanks ever, and dashed off to try it out.

For Matt, a brand new video game console and a giant stack of games to go with it. Most of the games were violent, but none were 'M' rated so it wasn't that bad. Matt didn't even bother to say thanks. His face lit up and he brought all the games and the console into his arms and raced off to his room with a gleaming smile that put Rudolph's nose to shame. Watari didn't mind. The huge grin was enough to know that Matt was thankful.

For Misa, a princess vanity that had five drawers and six hidden compartments that needed a number code to open. It was already filled with make-up and hairbrushes and even had a rack for hanging up a few dresses. A bright pink dress with sparkling trim already hung there. There was also a digital camera, complete with timer and a tripod stand and while some would say it was unfair and that she got more than the others, the camera and stand were gifts for them all. It meant that Misa no longer had to bother one of the four boys whenever she needed a cameraman for her 'photo shoots' when she decided to play 'Model MisaMisa' at home. She let out a squeal that could easily cause deafness and plopped down into the cushioned chair to brush out her already tangle-less hair.

And finally, it was little L's turn. L wasn't really much for toys and puzzles, so usually he got a huge stack of cake mixes and he could dash off to make all the strawberry shortcake he desired. One year, Watari had gotten him a Strawberry Shortcake doll and while he did enjoy the smell, poor Strawberry had ended up a mere air freshener in L's room that made the place smell like a strawberry farm. None of the other siblings walked into his room without holding their noses closed and Mello had hung up a notice on the door proclaiming that those allergic to strawberries should not enter.

But this year, the lump in Watari's toy bag wasn't big enough to be cake mix. L curiously leaned forwards to see as Watari reached in and pulled out a small little soldier.

His teeth are huge... was the first thought through L's mind as he stared in wonder at the little soldier figure. It was made out of wood, but polished so that it shone. The suit it wore was a bright red with beautiful gold trim and buttons and dark black pants. A tall red hat was carved on top of it's head with a fine gold decorative line around the rim. It's hair was chestnut brown, it had huge teeth, and a lever that could be pulled down stuck out of it's back.

"It's a nutcracker," Watari explained, noticing the confused and awed face of the young detective. "You eat almost nothing but sweets, so maybe this can help you get out of that habit." L didn't really care about his sugar addiction, but the nutcracker was very nice.

"How does it work?" he asked with bright, curious eyes. Watari smiled, stood up, and walked over to a dish of walnuts that was on a table over in the corner of the room. L watched, fascinated as Watari popped one of the walnut's into the nutcracker's mouth and pulled the lever in back. There lever forced down the oversized teeth and crushed the shell of the nut easily. The shell bits fell on the tabletop and Watari removed the little edible nut part inside, handing it to L. L then tossed the little piece of nut into his mouth and grinned. It wasn't great, but it sure looked like fun to crush the shell. Watari placed the nutcracker into the child's skinny but careful arms and walked off to see how Mello and Matt were doing.

L brought the bowl of walnuts to the floor, sat down, and started cracking open walnut after walnut after walnut. And with each shell cracked, a small walnut fell into his mouth.

As he had been sitting and silently admiring the nutcracker soldier, there was a loud explosion from the kitchen area. L looked over towards the sound in time to see the wall crack, break, and tip over towards him. He heard someone (likely Mello) swear loudly just as the wall fell and hit his head. Of course, from a blow like that, he fell unconscious and into a world of sugarplums and gumdrops and dreams.

L awoke to something poking at his side, and a voice that he didn't recognize complaining,

"Come on...I know you aren't dead. Get up. I'm bored and the dream doesn't start until you're up."

L blinked, then opened his eyes and sat up. He was still in the same room, but everything was...bigger. A lot bigger. Or maybe he just got smaller.

He turned to stare at the source of the voice he'd heard before, and came face to face with the very nutcracker he'd received as a gift. Except he was alive, taller, moving, less wooden, and a whole lot sexier.

"Finally," the nutcracker sighed. "I'm Light, the nutcracker princes. You're L, in case you don't remember."

"I remember perfectly fine," L snapped, glancing around a bit more. His eyes widened and he stared as a bunch of toys simply got up and started marching around. Yup. Definitely a dream. He rubbed his eyes a bit to make sure he was seeing right, and when he looked again he saw an army of rats scampering towards the toys. Light rushed off, and soon there was a whole freaking WAR between toys and rats. L rooted for the toys, because they had a sexy leader and less diseases.

Time passed on (L began to get bored, since he had no weapon and couldn't fight), and soon both armies were nearly completely wiped out. Everyone but Light and the ferocious Rat Queen (who looked and sounded a lot like Misa, for some strange reason) was unconscious on the floor. L watched as the prince and the queen faced off in an extremely epic battle.

But soon, Light began to get tired, and the queen started to win. At that moment, L decided it was about time he did something. According to the story, he was supposed to throw his shoe at the Rat Queen. He looked down at his bare feet, and decided to improvise.

He swiftly yanked the boot of an army soldier's foot and chucked it at the Rat Queen. It hit her in the hand, and time seemed to stop as she brought her hand to her face and stared.

"EEEEKKKKKKKK!!" she shrieked suddenly as Light and L covered their ears to block out the horrible, painful noise that sounded like a cat being ruthlessly microwaved. "YOU BROKE MY FINGERNAIL!!"

From sheer shock, the Rat Queen swayed and fainted on the spot. Light and L stared on, confused. Had...Had she Just fainted because her NAIL broke?

As Light opened his mouth to question it, L interrupted, "This is a dream, so neither of us should bother questioning it. Please, let's just continue."

Light shrugged. "Alright. You know what this means?" He smirked deviously as he said this, staring right at L.

"No, I do not."

"PARTY!! WOOOOOOO!! DRINK TILL YOU PUKE!"

Which lead to L, Light, and all the residents sitting in Light's marvelous castle and having a drunk karaoke party. People periodically left to the bathrooms to puke their internal organs out, and some Just passed out on the floor. (Those poor fools got marker moustaches scribbled onto their faces.)

L and Light sat at their own fancy table. L hadn't bothered drinking, proclaiming that he was technically underage according to the story's mechanics. He settled for some delicious cake. Light, however, was completely smashed and had mistaken a nearby potted plant for L. L didn't say anything about it, but he did feel a bit jealous that the shrub was getting all of Light's attention.

Just as Light passed out and smashed his face into the dirt of the plant, L's vision started to waver, and faded into black. Again.

"I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"Mello. You really should have been more careful. You could have given L a concussion."

"I didn't think the explosion would be that big!"

L awoke to Mello and Watari arguing, and he groggily opened his eyes and sat up. There was a huge pain in his head, and he closed his eyes again once he was up.

"See? He's not dead or anything!"

Watari ignored Mello's protests, and knelt down in front of L.

"L, are you okay?"

L pried his eyes open, and glanced to the side. Light stood on a nearby desk, though he was back to his normal wooden self. L frowned, upset.

"Damn."

A/N: How disappointing. Waking up to find that your sexy princely boyfriend was made of wood. Poor L. T-T L is throwing a pity party, if anyone wants to come. XD Just kidding! But you can feel free to give him some cake via review.