Rating: T for the D and H words. Ooooooh! Beware! 0-o

Summary: Jack and the Beanstalk, Death Note style. L is threatened into trading his cow for some magic beans, but he didn't imagine that they would grow so tall!

Spoilers: Uhh...Mello appears, but that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. Oh, and I don't own Jedis either. (You'll understand...)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I don't like this one much...

Oh, and to answer a question: Supposedly, throwing something against a wall will undo shape shifting. So that's why Light threw the poor Frog L against the wall and why L changed back because of it. Well, Light actually mainly threw L out of anger and frustration...

Once upon a clock's words... (Because clocks tell time and they just won't shut up about it!)

There was a boy who lived in a house that was in a town that was in a country that was in a chunk of land that was part of the world that was part of the solar system that was part of a galaxy that was part of a universe that was held up entirely by a giant mongoose, but that giant mongoose was sick of carrying the universe so it set the universe down and went to go play with the other giant mongooses in the Giant Mongoose Universe.

But our story isn't about that giant mongoose. It's about the boy in his house that the entire pointless statement was about. Congratulations, I've just succeeded in wasting your time! (Just be happy I'm not killing it)

There was a young boy named L who lived with his mother in his house. They were very poor, and all they had was a cow. Usually, they would sell the cow's milk to buy food, but as of recent the cow had stopped giving milk, leaving them with no other choice but to sell the cow.

The mother was sick, so she sent L out to the town to sell the cow and bring back what he got. L nodded and lead the animal out to the nearby town. There was a marketplace near the center square, and he could bring it there to sell.

About halfway there, he encountered a strange man with blond hair who introduced himself as Mello.

"That's a nice cow you have there," commented the strange Mello.

"...Thank you?" L replied, wondering why this random person was talking to him.

"Tell you what," Mello continued as he pulled out some rainbow colored beans from his pocket. "I'll trade you these magic beans for your cow. These beans will grow all the way up to the sky!"

"I don't care." L replied coldly. "It would be stupid to trade a grown cow for a handful of beans."

Mello's eyes narrowed into a glare, then he waved his free hand in Jedi-like circles as he used a hypnotic voice to say, "You do want to trade your cow for these magic beans."

"No, I don't." L insisted.

"..." Mello pouted, then switched to Plan B. He retrieved a sharp knife from his back pocket, holding it out for L to see as the sun glinted off of it. "Yes, you do."

"Yes, I do," L agreed nervously, handing the cow to Mello and accepting the small rainbow beans before running off.

Mello smirked and leaned back against the wall. "I was BORN for this job!" he cheered, heading off to the bar to celebrate his job well done with Matt.

Meanwhile, L returned home sadly with the beans and no cow. His mother scolded him, throwing the beans out the front window and sending him to bed with no dessert. L went to bed sadly, and fell asleep thanks to some magical plot-fairy sleeping gas. ("I can sense your jealousy through the computer," he brags at you readers.)

The next morning, L awoke to find that the windows of his room that faced the front of the house weren't getting any sunlight. Curious, he hopped out of bed and walked over to see what was the matter. The sight he saw shocked him.

There was a HUMONGOUS bean stalk out in the front yard that climbed all the way up to the sky. Mello hadn't been lying! As L gaped in shock at the stalk, a squirrel ran by and glanced up at it, apparently trying to judge whether it would be a good home or not. After a few seconds, it deemed the beanstalk too tall and dashed off.

L hopped down the stairs eagerly, ignoring his mother's yell of, "What in the bloody hell is that thing on the front lawn??" There was certainly some interesting investigation to be done about this beanstalk, specifically whatever lie at the top.

There is good news and bad news for L here. The good news was that there was a spiral staircase of strong leaves to walk up to the top on. The bad news is, it was a long way up.

After about an hour, L finally dragged himself onto the cloud the stalk ended at, panting from exhaustion. He looked around to see where he'd ended up, and spotted a freaking HUGE castle in front of him.

Wondering exactly who lived in such a large castle, L picked himself up off the ground and walked forward towards it.

The door was unlocked, so he walked in. Normally, L wouldn't barge into someone's house like this, but his curiosity had gotten the better of him. He poked his head inside and looked around, then walked entirely inside.

Moving to the next room brought him to the kitchen, but as he was admiring the place, he heard some very loud footsteps walking closer. Fearing for his safety, L managed to squeeze himself into a small counter underneath the sink. Mere moments later, he heard a voice boom,

"Fee fi fo fum (whatever the hell that means...)

I smell the blood of an Englishman!

Be he alive for be he dead,

I'll grind his bones to make..."

The voice paused, and L could hear some papers shuffling.

"...Grind his bones to make my bread?" the confused voice said. "But that would make it all crunchy and gross! Forget that. I'll just eat him."

L's eyes widened as he realized that this was the giant ogre in the sky named Kira that his mother had warned him about. But she had also told him that the ogre had great riches. L made the decision to save his mother (and himself) from poverty by stealing some of the great fortune this ogre supposedly had.

L pressed his ear to the cabinet door, listening as Kira rummaged through the refrigerator, apparently having forgotten about the Englishman.

"Darn!" the ogre complained. "I'm all out of blueberry muffins! I'll have to go get some more..." And with that, Kira stormed out the door to go to the grocery store in the sky.

L popped out of the cabinet, scurrying out and searching the house for any gold that might be around.

It took a couple minutes, but L finally managed to spot a giant bag of gold coins. Actually, there were two giant bags of gold coins. All the better.

Content, L grabbed both of them and dragged them out the door. It took a whole lot of effort, but he managed to drag them both to the beanstalk and all the way down. At the bottom, he collapsed on the ground and, not wanting to bother with going to get her, yelled for his mom to come outside.

His mother dashed out to see what was the matter, and was surprised to see the bags of gold. She happily praised her son, gave him dessert, and sent him back to bed.

But sadly, the gold didn't last forever, and L found himself once again trudging up the tall beanstalk staircase. He did the same as before, walking into the house and hiding in the cabinet. A minute or two later, Kira stomped back into the room, roaring,

"Fee Fi Fo Fum,

I smell...I smell..."

L heard him sniff a couple times.

"Aw, dammit! Misa sent me mangoes again! I told her that I hate mangoes!"

L waited patiently as Kira walked over to the counter, grabbed what he presumed to be the basket of mangoes, and left, saying he was going to give that witch (with a B) a piece of his mind (and a piece of those stupid mangoes).

L went on another expedition of the house, soon coming across a very interesting goose. Wondering, he commanded it to lay an egg. Surprisingly enough, the goose actually obeyed, laying a solid gold egg. L stared in wonder at the shimmering gold, then grabbed the goose and ran off, back down the beanstalk and to his home where he presented the goose to his mother. His mother was overjoyed, gave him dessert, and sent him back to bed again.

After a couple more days, L got bored and decided to explore once more. He hiked up the staircase and to the castle. Kira was already gone, so L began exploring right away. Soon enough, he found a golden harp on the table and, satisfied with that, grabbed it and walked out.

But as he left, Kira happened to return and saw him.

"FEE FI FO...Oh screw this! Get back here with my harp, you hot theif!" he yelled, chasing after L. Terrified, L took off as fast as he could, racing back to the beanstalk and easily sliding down all the leaves in the staircase. Luckily, he reached the bottom quickly. Because when Kira started climbing down, the stalk cracked under his weight and fell down to the ground.

For some strange reason, this caused Kira to transform into a normal human, and when L walked over to investigate all he found was a very sexy teenager.

Kira blinked, staring up at L. Then he waved his hand in a Jedi-like circle while saying, "You want to marry me."

L blinked, then replied, "Hell yes I do!"

And so they got married and lived happily ever after. (And the beanstalk fed the entire town for a year.)

THE END

A/N: I rushed this one, so I don't like it much. T-T Sorry.