Rating: T for the D-word, the H-word, and some other stuff.
Summary: The kids at Wammy's want to hear some fairy tales before bed, and who better to convince to do so than the world's greatest detective?
Spoilers: Uhh...Spoilers for where L lives? Sort of? Matt, Mello, and Near appear too. I'm pretty sure that's it...
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. And I don't own Pokemon either. (You'll find out soon enough...)
Oh, and since I think I forgot to mention it last chapter, I don't own any of the movie quotes/jokes and stuff.
Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness
A/N: I'm back from vacation! And to make up for my disappearance, I put three of the shorter stories into one long chapter! There's The Matchstick Girl, The Lindwyrm, and the Village That Kept Their Hearts in Boxes. (And thanks to the Book Fairy for the anonymous review with the stories of the Lindwyrm and the Village.)
So...Here it is!
"L! L!" a small girl yelled out, dashing forward and latching onto the great detective's leg. L glanced down curiously, seeing that a whole group of kids had followed her. He recognized nearly all of them, including Matt, Mello, and Near.
"What is it?" he asked. He knew the children of Wammy's (where he was currently visiting with Light and Watari) respected him a lot, but they had a certain look in their eyes. One that meant they were going to ask for something. "It's a little late, isn't it? You should all be in bed."
"But L!" the girl continued, hugging his leg even tighter. "We want you to read us a bedtime story!"
Before L could even open his mouth to protest, one of the other kids yelled out, "And we won't go to bed until you do!"
Sighing, the world's greatest detective shuffled off towards the living room and began to search the bookshelves for a nice, short story. A dozen small voices cheered out at this, and L shook his head. He probably shouldn't be giving in, but it would be the easiest way to get them all to bed. If twelve kids refused to go to bed without a story, he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. It would take all night to get them all in bed without one.
He eventually settled on a book of fairy tales, carefully removing it from the shelf and taking a seat on the sofa. All of the kids crowded around, taking a seat on the floor in front of him. They stared up with expectant eyes and waited for L to begin.
"The Matchstick Girl," L started, reciting the title of the story, before starting the tale.
"Once upon a time...
There was a small girl named L..."
L paused, as some of the kids snickered. He decided this could be blamed on Light, who had been digging around the bookshelf before and spending a lot of time in the living room. Making a mental note to put Light in a dress as revenge, L continued with the story.
"It was a cold winter day, and poor L was stuck outside with no jacket, no hat, and no shoes. He shivered as he walked forward, carrying a small bag full of matches. He was supposed to sell them, but he hadn't had any luck. (Apparently people had their own matches, and things called lighters. Matches weren't exactly the best door-to-door sales product.)
He finally settled down for a rest in between two houses, inhaling the scent of a warm meal. It was new years eve, so most people were celebrating. Sadly, that didn't include L.
He sighed and leaned back against the wall, bringing his knees to his chest in an effort to warm himself. He glanced as his small bag of matches, then thought, 'I think lighting just one wouldn't be too bad. It's better than freezing to death.' (Famous last words: 'I'll only do it once. What's the worst that could happen?')
So he picked one of the matches out of the bag and struck it against the wall. The tip immediately burst into a bright flame, and L smile at how warm it felt. He could actually feel his fingers! It almost felt as though he were sitting in front of a nice fireplace! Just as he was stretching his feet out to warm them up as well, the match burned out and he was left along in the cold dark.
"...Well, that's disappointing," he mumbled sadly, tossing the dead match off to the side and huddling up again.
He had been sitting for a couple minutes when he heard a small voice to his right.
"Light another one!" Mello the amazing plot fairy whispered. He rubbed his shoulders, shivering and glaring at L. "Hurry up! I'm freezing over here!"
L blinked. He was sure he must be hallucinating, but why not talk to the little fairy? Even if it was a figment of his imagination, it was better than nothing.
"No. I need to sell these matches to buy food," L explained, clutching the matches closer. (Just to be on the safe side. He didn't know how dangerous Mello might be.)
"Earth to L!" Mello hissed, knocking on L's head a couple times. "No one's buying the dumb matches!"
"But they might!" L protested, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle.
"They won't! I run the entire plot here! I think I know what's going to happen!" the fairy snarled. "Now keep lighting matches before you turn into an L-sicle and all the fangirls start to eat you."
And with that, Mello vanished into thin air and L was alone once more. The child blinked, then decided to take the fairy's advice and lit up another match.
This time, as the fire glowed, he could see through the wall in front of him and see the lovely table set in the family's kitchen. L nearly drooled, but he was shocked when the cooked turkey on the table suddenly stood up. It grabbed a fork and knife off the table and began to waddle over to the freezing child.
"I'm definitely hallucinating," L said to himself. And as if on cue, the match burned out and the turkey and room vanished. L let out a sigh of relief, then decided to strike another match. (A lit match a day keeps the plot fairy away...)
This time, as the fire blazed, he could see a giant Christmas tree in front of him. There were lots of shining ornaments, and even some presents. L gaped at the marvelous display before him, before remembering that he was just hallucinating.
"...Darn..." he mumbled sadly.
At that moment, the match went out and L was back in the cold, dark, lonely alleyway again. (Did I mention that it was cold?) He shivered, then lit another match.
This time, he was faced with an amazing sight: His grandfather (who was actually dead, hence the fact that this was a hallucination.) Watari was standing before him.
"Watari!" L gasped, leaping forward to hug his grandfather. Watari smiled, and hugged L back in a touching family scene that made the audience go 'Awwwwww!' in unison.
But then L remembered the match, and realized that Watari would disappear once the match went out. Even if it was just a hallucination, L didn't particularly want this hallucination to end.
So he snatched up the rest of the matches and began lighting a whole bunch of them, content that Watari would stay.
But-"
"Wait!" screamed one of the children. L immediately stopped reading, and everyone turned to stare at the child who'd yelled.
"This story has a sad ending!" she whimpered, nearly bursting into tears.
L glanced down at the book and quickly read through the rest of the story. "It does..." He glanced over at her, confused. "What's the problem?"
"I don't like sad endings!" the child explained with a sad frown on her face. "Change the ending so it's happy!"
"...Okay..." L stopped for a moment and stared at the ceiling, improvising. After a minute or so, he resumed his storytelling.
"But eventually, the matches burned out and left L sad and alone once more. He sighed, disappointed. He'd lit every match to keep Watari around longer, so now he was stuck in the freezing cold...
But suddenly, a voice to his left asked him,
"What are you doing out here?"
L looked over towards the source of the sound to see an incredibly sexy man with awesome hair and a big jacket.
"...Hallucinating..." L answered, wondering if this was another hallucination. But he didn't have any matches.
Light grimaced. "That can't be good," he said. "Come on. We can go back to my house where it's warm." His face suddenly lit up. "And we can get married too!"
"Sure!" L exclaimed happily, following Light back to his house.
And they lived happily ever after.
"The end," L finished, closing the book. All the kids cheered, but then protested when he tried to stand up.
"Nooooo!" they all complained, pushing him back down onto the sofa.
"Read us another story!" one of the boys proclaimed.
L grimaced, and turned to Mello, Matt, and Near for assistance. Mello smirked, Matt shook his head, and Near only shrugged.
"Another story, L," Near ordered, taking his seat on the carpet.
"...Fine..." L sighed.
At that moment, Light decided to make his appearance.
"L! Why aren't you in bed!" he whined, much like the children had whined for another story. "It's nine o'clock already! I don't want you to wake me up when you come in the room!"
"Light-kun is very childish and immature. How Kira-like of him," L commented, ignoring Light's glare of extreme unhappiness. "Perhaps Light-kun would like to read the next story."
"I don't want to read a story!" Light complained. "I want to go to bed!!"
"Read the damn story, Yagami!" Mello yelled, snatching the book away from L and throwing it to Light. "Read the story unless you want your vital organs removed by a bunch of small children!"
Light gulped, then took a seat next to L on the couch. He flipped the book open to the joyful yells of many children, and picked a story at random.
"The Lindwyrm," he started, frowning. "What's a lindwyrm?"
"I don't know, but the beginning of it's name reminds me of Lind L. Taylor," L mused, shrugging.
Light rolled his eyes, then went back to reading.
"Once upon a time..."
"Do all fairy tales start like that?" one of the kids interrupted.
"No. Now be quiet. I'm reading," Light snapped. The child immediately shut his mouth, and motioned for Light to continue.
"Once upon a time...
There was a giant worm/dragon/Pokemon thing with invincible armor and lots of sharp spikes (but only a few dull ones) and some sharp teeth (and just a couple broken ones) and very sharp claws (kept sharp with a fancy and expensive claw filer.)
It lived in a very nice town that became not-very-nice when the lindwyrm moved in. Why? I'll tell you why.
Because the lindwyrm declared himself the king of the land, then announced that he needed a queen. So every night for twenty-nine nights a pretty girl would be brought up to his castle. But none of them proved worthy to him, and they were all eaten.
The townspeople all mourned the loss of so many fair maidens, and tried to figure out a way to prevent more girls from being devoured. At last, the town fool, Matsuda, came up with a solution.
"Hey..." he spoke up. "Since the lindwyrm is turning down all these girls...Maybe we should send up a boy!"
The town was silent for a moment, before someone exclaimed,
"That's so crazy it just might work!"
"Yeah! Maybe the king swings the other way!"
"But who should we send up?"
Everyone paused at the question, pondering.
"It would have to be someone smart..."
"And hot!"
"And tricky..."
"And HOT!"
"And able to solve any problem..."
"AND HOT!!"
At once, everyone turned towards the town genius, L, who had been reading a book at the time. But he looked up when he felt everyone's eyes on him.
"...What?"
The next day, L was walking up to the castle, grumbling and messing with the dress he had been forced into wearing. It was horribly uncomfortable. (And the lace definitely wasn't helping.)
He reached the door and hesitantly knocked on it, waiting for an answer. Moments later, the door was opened to reveal the horribly hideous lindwyrm, who then motioned L inside.
"Wow, the town really went overboard this time!" the lindwyrm exclaimed. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!"
"I'm not a girl," L said, hoping that it wouldn't get him killed.
Light blinked, surprised. "...I still think you're hot,"
"That's good."
Light lead the way to the main room, before turning back to face L. He would do the exact same thing he'd done with the other girls.
"Alright, take off your dress."
L froze. "...What?"
"You heard me!" Light pouted with a smirk.
"Why?" protested L, folding his arms over his dress covered chest.
"Because. If I deem you unworthy, which is unlikely considering your hotness, then I'm going to eat you. And as hot as you look in that dress, I don't particularly want to eat your dress."
"Oh..." L said. Even though he'd been expecting the statement (since they'd sent a spy to the castle before to eavesdrop on that the lindwyrm said to the girls), it was still a little strange to have it said to him.
"I don't know..." L mumbled, looking down at his nice dress. "I'm rather fond of this dress...I don't think I want to leave it behind..."
"Well you have to!" Light protested, already drooling at the image of an undressed L in his mind.
"I guess I will...On one condition," L said. Light nodded, eagerly accepting even though he didn't know the condition. "I will take off my dress, if you, Mister Lindwyrm, will remove a layer of your scales."
"It's Light, actually. And sure!" With that, the lindwyrm, Light, peeled off the first layer of his invincible scales, then waited for L to remove his dress.
L held back a smirk as he pulled of the frilly dress, revealing another dress underneath it. Light gaped, shocked and horribly disappointed. (You'd be disappointed too.)
"But...But..." he stuttered.
"Oh, right..." L said, glancing down at his second dress in fake realization. "I suppose I will have to take this dress off as well. And Light-kun will have to remove another layer of his armor."
Light frowned, but shrugged out of another layer of scales. There was nothing he wouldn't give at this point to see L without a dress on.
But when L took off the second dress, Light was disappointed to see that L was wearing yet another dress.
Things repeated like that until L had removed all twelve of the dresses he had been wearing and stood in only his usual attire of a white shirt and jeans. He stood confidently as Light removed his last layer of scales.
Then, L was shocked to see an incredibly handsome and sexy prince standing before him instead of the hideous lindwyrm. Said prince was not wearing any clothing, but had a bright smile on his face.
"Well? Do you love me? Will you marry me?" Light asked excitedly.
L stared. Then he gaped. The he stared some more, gaped some more, bled from the nose, and promptly passed out.
Light smirked. "I'll take that as a yes."
And so, they got married and ruled the kingdom. And everyone lived happily ever after."
Light sighed. "Finally, the story is over. That was one messed up tale."
"Now, all of you go to bed," L commanded.
"NOOOOO!!" all the children exclaimed at once.
"Third time's the charm!" Matt snickered.
L sighed deeply, then took the book back from Light. "Fine. Only one more short story. But you all have to promise to go to bed after that."
"We promise!" they chorused, sitting down and waiting for L to start.
The detective flipped the pages forward to another story, and read out the title.
"The Village That Kept Their Hearts in Boxes."
"Boy, I wonder what a heart attack is like for them..." Light muttered to himself.
"Once upon a time," L began.
"You said not all fairy tales start with that!" one of the children shouted out.
"Well, this one does start with that," L said, rolling his eyes before continuing the story.
"Once upon a time...
There was a strange village that kept their hearts in small boxes. A lot of people decorated their boxes with ribbons and stuff, and everyone took good care of their hearts.
There was one person in the town whose heart was completely perfect, without a scratch on it. Light's heart was perfect, and he was totally vain because of it. (Totally, dude.)
One day, he met a very hot man named L, and the two became instant friends. They talked all the time, and enjoyed each other's company.
But one time, when Light was over at L's house and L had left the room, Light began to rummage through L's stuff. (He's so sexy and awesome the rules don't apply to him.) And he found the box containing L's heart. Curious, he opened it up and saw that L's heart was one of the most broken up and ugly-looking heart he'd ever seen.
L returned just then, and Light pointed and laughed.
"Ha! You're heart is all messed up! Mine is so much prettier than yours!" Light mocked, not even noticing that his friend was now frowning.
"Yes, but that's because Light-kun has never cared about anyone," L pointed out with a sharp glare. Light immediately stopped laughing, and L resumed speaking. "I care about a lot of people, and they care for me. I leave a piece of my heart with them, and they leave a piece of theirs with me."
Light blinked. "So...It's like a trading card game? Or those little necklaces where one says 'best' and one says 'friends'?"
"Yes, only more important," L said with a small nod. But he was instantly serious again. "Since Light-kun is so mean, I'm just going to leave and go off to some unknown place. Good bye, Light-kun."
And with that, L turned away and left, leaving Light all alone.
Light slumped to the floor, upset. "How could I have said something so mean? Now my best friend and possible lover is gone..." Because of his sadness, his heart split in two, right down the center.
But Light was determined, and he stood up once more with a new fire in his eyes. "I'm going to go find him and marry him!"
And so, Light left to find his love so they could make up. (And make out, preferably in a broom closet.)
The end."
And with that, L slammed the book shut and turned to all the kids in front of him.
"...That's it?" Near asked, surprised.
"What the hell kind of ending is that??" Mello fumed, storming out of the room and to his bed. The rest of the kids followed, grumbling about how awful the ending was.
L and Light both stood up and headed back to their own bedroom. On the way, Light asked,
"So, L, would you take off your clothes?"
L smirked. "Only if you will too, Light-kun. Only if you will too."
A/N: The end. Finally. That certainly took a while. XD
L-sicles, they're L-riffic! Buy some today!
(Note: I'm fairly sure that L-sicles don't actually exist. If they do...Tell me where I can buy some.)