Summary: Alice in Wonderland, Death Note style. Light is thrown into a strange world, with vanishing cats, smoking caterpillar-like people, insane Hatters, an evil queen, and flamingos.
Spoilers: Umm...Takada, Mello, Matt, Near, and Mikami appear. Oh, and Misa hates Takada. Nothing too serious.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I'm pretty sure Alice in Wonderland was written by Lewis Carroll.
...I am not any of those people. Therefore, I do not own their stories.
Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight and plenty of OOCness
A/N: ...Okay, sorry for the lateness. I had a friend stay for a sleepover, so I didn't have the time. But this one turned out really long, so be happy. (Because of the length, I didn't have time to proofread it. Be sad. Wow, I control your emotions! Be scared!)
I kept putting this one off because I wanted to draw some of the characters in their outfits, but I couldn't get Light in the Alice dress to work out, so I gave up. XP How sad.
So...Here it is. Enjoy. Hopefully...I hope it didn't turn out too bad or have a bunch of typos or anything...I'm sorry if it did.
Oh, and thanks to those of you who pointed out my mistake last chapter. XP I went and fixed it up. All better! Thank you!!
And by the way, since I couldn't think of a way to fit their names in there, the White Rabbit is Mikami and the talking doorknob is Near.
Once upon a time... ( -insert your own witty comment here (Seriously, I'm all out...)- )
There was a young boy sitting by a tree in a very pretty and perfect meadow. He was sitting around, bored out of his mind, and wondering if it would be worth getting up to collect acorns to attract squirrels (he wasn't sure, because the last squirrel he'd found had yelled and cursed at him and shouted something about having a plot to get on with) when he saw the strangest thing. It was even stranger than a talking plot-squirrel!
He saw a strange rabbit. Now, this wasn't your ordinary strange rabbit. This rabbit had black hair all over it's head in some sort of weird hairstyle, and it was wearing a suit and a pair of glasses! Light openly stared, but the rabbit didn't seem to notice, and instead pulled out a pocket watch.
"Oh no! I'm going to be late! The queen will have my head for sure!" he exclaimed, pocking the watch and running off through a rabbit hole.
Light watched the entire ordeal, shocked. And then he noticed that the hole was big enough for him to follow.
"Well, I might as well follow," Light pondered aloud. "It's probably more fun than sitting here."
And without a moment more of thought, he ran forward and hopped down the rabbit hole.
Then he fell.
And fell.
And fell.
Light blinked, watching as the walls passed him by while he plummeted downwards. They were covered in a nice purple wallpaper, and he could see some cupboards on them. He reached out and managed to snag a bowl off of it, but he was upset to find that it was just full of sugar cubes. He didn't really like sweets, so sugar cubes didn't help.
He set the bowl on the next cupboard he passed, because they might spill if he dropped them. And then his fall continued, the time passing by rather uneventfully.
"Wow, this reminds me of a story I read with a really long spiral staircase!" he exclaimed to himself. "Lucky me! At least I don't have to walk!"
He fell for about five more minutes before he finally landed on the floor. To his surprise, he was completely unharmed. But he didn't wonder about that for too long, because he could see the rabbit ahead of him, still running off while saying something about lateness.
Light chased after the rabbit, though he knew he couldn't catch up. The rabbit was just too fast! He burst through a door at the end of the hallway, looking around the room. He spotted the rabbit at the last moment. It was a tough find (like finding Waldo and Carmen Sandiego if they teamed up with the assistance of a pair of invisibility potions) considering the small animal had just shrunk. Light watched as the rabbit escaped through a tiny door.
"Aww!" Light complained, crouching down to get a better look at the miniature door. "It's too small!"
"Or maybe you're just too big," the tiny golden doorknob (that had a face for some reason) retorted.
Light would have gasped at the fact that the doorknob was talking, but after the talking and shrinking rabbit, he'd decided not to question things. Instead, he frowned and asked, "Are you saying I'm fat?"
The doorknob seemed to roll it's tiny eyes. "No, I'm saying you need to be smaller, Mr. Giant."
"Well, maybe YOU just need to be bigger!" Light argued back.
"Look, you can argue with me all day, but you aren't getting any smaller."
Silently admitting defeat, Light turned to investigate the room. There was a bed to his right, a fireplace to his left, and a table in the middle of the room, along with a chair. He spotted a couple bottles on the table, and decided to get a closer look.
One had a blue label, and the other had a red one. Light picked up the one with the red label and closely investigated the label. It said 'DRINK ME' in bold, black, and very plain text. Light shrugged. He was pretty thirsty.
He put the bottle to his lips and took a gulp.. He shivered as it went down, hating the bitter taste it had. But before he knew it, he was shrinking down to a small size. A size that was just right for the door.
Light proudly strolled over to the door and walked through.
"Ha! Who's fat now?" he laughed.
"I never said you were fat," the doorknob muttered, but the door swung shut and the conversation was ended.
Light looked around and found himself in a forest, with plenty of trees and insanely tall mushrooms.
"Wow!" he breathed, looking around. But he was interrupted by a voice from his left.
"Who are you?" asked the nearby caterpillar. The caterpillar had bright red hair, a pair of orange-red goggles, and an odd striped shirt. Light looked closer, and realized that it was not a caterpillar, but a person! The person was sitting on a caterpillar and smoking a cigarette while playing some sort of handheld video game.
"I'm Light," the teen replied. "Who are you?"
"Matt," replied the stranger. "What's up?"
"Well..." Light began. "I don't really know where I am."
"Where are you going?"
"..." Light hesitated for a moment at that question. "I don't know..."
Matt folded his arms across his chest and sighed. "How am I supposed to help you then?"
"Umm..." Light desperately clawed around his mind for something he needed help with. His eyes lit up as he thought of something. "Now that I'm through the door, I'd like to be tall again! Being three inches tall is a little pathetic."
"Oh, it's pathetic?" Matt inquired, suddenly angry. He stood up, showing that he was exactly three inches tall.
Light gulped. "I...I didn't mean..."
Matt simply sighed, and jumped off the mushroom, walking away. "One side will make you bigger, and the other side will make you smaller."
'Other side of what?' Light thought to himself.
"The mushroom, duh!" Matt called back.
"You can read my mind?" Light gasped.
Matt smirked. "No, but the look on your face says it all." And with that, he was gone.
Light turned back to the giant mushroom. Shrugging, he took a piece from the right side to try it out. And just in case, he took a piece from the left side as well.
"Here goes..." he mumbled, popping the piece from the right in his mouth. He instantly began to grow taller. Unfortunately, he didn't stop growing. He grew taller, and taller, and taller until he was as tall as a giant mutated beanstalk!
Panicking, he ate the other piece and started to shrink. He had the same problem there, and decided to negate it. He ate some mushroom from the right side and some from the left side at the same time, and soon he had stopped changing size. However, he was stuck at his original size of three inches.
Light sighed. "Oh, great. Now what?"
"Well, you could go and see the Mad Hatter to continue the plotline," came another voice from nowhere. "Or you could stay here and I could start brutally maiming you with a tennis racquet until you get off your lazy butt and go with the story."
Light stared as a strange blonde cat-thing appeared out of nowhere, grinning like a madman.
"I...I think I'll go see the Mad Hatter. Which way is he, Cat-Person?"
"It's Mello," replied the semi-cat. "And just keep walking to your left and you'll find him."
Light nodded and immediately ran off in that direction, fleeing in fear from the terrifying Plot Fairy/Plot Kitty.
After running for a few minutes, he came upon a clearing in the woods where there was a huge table that was set for twenty four people. But there were only two people sitting there. One of them had black hair, dark bags under his eyes, and a strange orange hat with a paper in the band that read '6/10' on his head. The other had black hair that sort of curled on one side, along with a nice gray suit and a pair of rabbit ears.
"Oh, hey!" exclaimed the man with rabbit ears. "I haven't seen you before! I'm Matsuda, the March Hare!"
"L, the Mad Hatter," droned the other.
Light blinked. "I'm Light, the normal human being thrown into your abnormal world." He looked around, searching for anything that might help the plot along. "I'm supposed to advance the plot here. Do you know how?"
Matsuda shook his head. "No idea."
L glanced up from the tea and cake that was sitting in front of him to stare right at Light. "I know."
Light's eyes instantly widened, and his mouth curved into a smile. "Good. How?"
"Why should I tell you?" L said, sipping carefully at his tea before adding six sugar cubes to it.
Light's smile immediately disappeared. "But..."
"I will tell Light-kun, on one condition," L announced. "Light-kun must stay and have tea with us until seven o'clock."
Light glanced at the clock quickly. It read six o'clock. Just an hour. It couldn't be too bad, right?
"Sure," he agreed, taking the open seat between L and Matsuda. He sat for a moment in silences, as L ate his cake and Matsuda simply sat there. Soon, Light was bored, so he tried to start up a conversation. "So why was this open seat here?"
"Well, it's usually the Dormouse's seat, but he's on vacation so it's open," Matsuda explained. L said nothing.
Light nodded, and the silence returned. It was about fifteen more minutes before L spoke up.
"Would Light-kun like me to tell him a riddle, so he has something to think about?"
"Sure!" Light exclaimed, jumping at the chance to have something entertaining on his mind. The hour was turning out to be rather boring so far.
"Very well." The Hatter paused, thinking of which riddle to say. "How are a raven and a writing desk similar?"
Light thought, and thought, and thought. But he couldn't figure it out. He had pondered it for what seemed like a god half-hour before he finally gave up. "I have no idea. What is it."
L calmly too a sip of tea, then glared at the teen. "I asked Light-kun first."
Light's jaw dropped. "You mean you don't know!?"
L rolled his eyes as though it were an obvious fact. "Of course not. I figured if I gave Light-kun an impossible riddle, he would be occupied for a longer amount of time."
Light seethed quietly and looked over to the clock. The house had to have been up by now. But he was shocked by the sight he saw.
"It's still six o'clock!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, yes," L said. "I forgot to mention that. I got into a very unfortunate squabble with Time the other day, and he made it so that it is always six o'clock here. That's why I set the table for so many people. It is eternally Tea Time here." And to make his point, L moved down one seat and started on the cake and tea that were set there. "If Light-kun is looking for a plot advancement, he may want to try going to see the Queen of Hearts."
"And where is this queen?" Light asked through gritted teeth.
L pointed to the area behind him, and Light immediately stormed off in that direction.
He hardly had to walk for two minutes before he arrived upon another clearing. This one had a large throne, and upon it sat a young blonde female in a flowing black and red dress.
"Oh, who are you?" Queen Misa inquired, checking out the incredibly sexy teenager in front of her.
"I'm Light," he answered. "I need to advance the plot."
"Oh, sure!" the girl squealed. "Let me get some tarts and we can chat!"
She sent for a guard (who looked exactly like a card) and sent him off to fetch her tarts from the oven. But the guard soon returned with horrible news.
"Queen Misa! The tarts have gone missing!"
"WHAT??" the queen exclaimed, turning away from her guest. "Call everyone here at once for a trial!"
Within minutes, everyone in the area had been called in for a trial. Even Light was asked to attend. He was totally confused though. She hadn't even done any searches for evidence!
The talking rabbit from before blew a trumpet to silence everyone. "Court is in session!" he announced.
Everyone took their seats while Misa sat up on her throne. She paused, staring up at the sky for a moment while thinking. Then she suddenly pointed to Matt.
"What do you know about the stolen tarts?" she asked, completely serious.
Light wanted to ask if she was completely insane, but decided against it. Being that she was the queen, he didn't really want to risk making her angry and getting kicked out of the kingdom.
"I haven't got a clue," Matt answered, blowing out a cloud of smoke rom his cigarette as he did so.
Misa frowned. "Alright then. I'll blame Takada for it."
Light watched as a girl in the crowd gaped. He would have laughed, but he was a little miffed over the unfair trial.
Misa turned to L, the Hatter, next. (Light snickered under his breath when he saw that L had brought a cup of tea along with him and was drinking it while sitting in his seat. Matsuda was sitting next to him and holding on to a plate of cake that Light guessed belonged to the Hatter.) "Do you know who stole the tarts?"
L shook his head. "No. May I go home now?"
Misa rolled her eyes, but nodded. L silently stood up and left, Matsuda following behind like a lost puppy.
"Alright. Takada it is," the blonde noted, glaring daggers at the woman she was accusing of the crime.
And before Light knew it, the queen's attention was on him. "Light? Do you know?"
Light froze, surprised that he'd asked him. Why would she bother? "No, I just got here. How would I know?"
Misa simply shrugged, then turned to the guard next to her. "I've come to the conclusion that Kiyomi Takada is guilty. Off with her head!"
"What? I didn't do anything!" Takada protested as two of the card guards (Yay! A rhyme!) came over and started to drag her away.
"Wait!" Light exclaimed, causing the guards and Misa to turn to stare at him. "That's not fair! You can't go and cut off her head when you don't have evidence."
If it had been anyone else, Misa would have had their head cut off along with Takada's. But since it was Light, the super-sexy persuasion master, she decided that she would listen to him.
"Very well..." she mumbled disappointedly. "Cut off her left big toe instead."
"Nooo! Not my left big toe!" Takada screamed as she was pulled away.
Misa then immediately turned back to Light, who looked thoroughly creeped out. "Light! Wanna play croquet?"
Normally, Light would have accepted. But when Misa held up a flamingo and an armdillo that were very much alive, he decided that this wasn't a normal situation.
"Oh forget this!" he exclaimed. "You're all nutcases! I'm going back to have tea with the Mad Hatter!"
And with that, he stomped off back towards the Hatter's place, ignoring Misa's cries for him to come back.
Soon, he was back at the Mad Hatter's giant table. Everything was exactly the same as he'd left it, except that L had moved down a seat and begun on another cup of tea while Matsuda had left to make some more cake and tea.
"Hey," Light greeted, taking a seat next to the odd Hatter.
"Oh, hello Light-kun," L replied. "By the way, I just spoke with Mello the Plot Kitty..."
Light gulped. That couldn't be good.
"And he said that he forgot a vital part of the plot. You're supposed to wear this dress," L said calmly, holding out a light blue (and frilly) Alice dress.
Light screamed, screamed at the top of his lungs.
And that was when he woke up. Right in the very meadow he first saw the talking rabbit in.
"Phew! That was one weird dream!" Light sighed, leaning back against the tree.
"I'll say,"
Light's immediately sat up at the sound of a familiar voice to his left. His head whipped to the side.
"Light-kun still has to wear the dress. It's part of the plot," L droned, holding out the dress once again.
Light screamed. (Once again.)
And then he woke up. (Once again.) Only this time he was in his normal room in his normal bed within the normal headquarters. He let out a long sigh of relief. He was back to the real world. And while being in the real world meant he was handcuffed to that weirdo, L, he much preferred the real world to his dream world.
"Light-kun, guess what?" L said, sounding a little excited.
Light turned to see what the big deal was (after all, he was sure that L had murdered his own emotions and thrown them down into the well like a small golden ball, though there was no frog prince to rescue them) and saw L. In a Mad Hatter hat.
"Does Light-kun like my hat?" the detective inquired, pointing to the strange hat on his head. "I had Watari order it for me."
Light's mouth dropped open as he just plain out stared.
"I got Light-kun something too!" L continued, reaching into a nearby shopping bag.
Light didn't even stay long enough for L to find the thing. He somehow managed to turn his fear into strength and break the handcuff chain, and then ran as fast as he could out of the room, screaming as loud as he could all the way.
L sat in the room, looking like a kicked puppy. "I guess Light-kun does not want his Micky Mouse ears, then?"
A/N: Aw. I feel sorry for L. T-T He just wanted to give Light the adorable Micky Mouse ears.
Mini-Disclaimer: I do not own Micky Mouse, though I do own a pair of Micky Mouse ears.
...They have a little wizard hat on them. So cute! :3