Summary: King Midas and the Golden Touch (or something like that), Death Note style. King Midas wanted to turn everything to gold, but King Mello won't follow that road. He's got a much better idea.
Spoilers: Uhhhhhhhhh...Matt, Mello, and Near appear. That's it, sort of.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.
Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, MattxMello, and plenty of OOCness
A/N: I'm not sure if this actually counts as a fairy tale, but whatever. I like this story.
It didn't quite turn out right, though...I'm a little sad with it...It feels like it could be better, but I can't think well enough to come up with anything witty. I'm sorry if it's bad.
Once upon a time...
There was a place. And that place had some people. And those people did stuff. But our story isn't about that place with it's people and their stuff. This story is about an area with it's occupants who performed many tasks within their busy day. By now, I'm sure you know exactly which story I'm talking about.
...You don't? Oh. And here I thought I could get away with being lazy...
Well, whatever...
There was once a wonderful kingdom with many prosperous people ruled by their almighty king. Who is this great king of supreme awesomeness, you may ask? It's not Soichiro, it's not L, it's not Light...
It is none other than the great and totally awesome MELLO!
King Mello ruled over the land along with his co-king, Matt. Everything ran smoothly, and there were no problems whatsoever.
...No, really. I'm totally serious. Dead serious. I'm not sarcastic here.
One day, Old Man Jim was off drinking, and he got so drunk that he didn't know where he was going. He accidently stumbled into the king's garden of roses (Mello liked roses. It was fun to poke people with the thorns) and promptly passed out in the middle of the pathway.
It just so happened that Mello and Matt were taking a stroll through the gardens, and noticed the fallen man in their path.
"An unconscious guy!" Mello exclaimed, pointing. "Let's kick him and dump ice on him!"
"No, Mello!" exclaimed Matt. "That's a defenseless old man! You can't hurt defenseless old men! Just like you can't hit girls!"
Mello sighed, disappointed. He had really been looking forward to the ice part, even if the guy wasn't burned. "Fine. What should we do with him?"
Matt shrugged, replying, "I dunno. Bring him inside and into the guest room so he can sleep it off and get home without being run over by a giant pick-up truck so that the epic scene can be replayed three times from different angles to put emphasis on the epic-ness?"
"Sure."
So they both took hold of one of the old man's arms and dragged him all the way to the guest room. They let him sleep in peace for the night, and he awoke in the morning with an awful headache.
They sent him off while wishing him a good day before walking back inside. Matt had just started a conversation about his newest game when a loud CLANK resounded from above. Both men glanced up to see a chestnut-haired teenaged being lowered down with a cable while wearing a frilly red dress and a pair of fake wings. (Oh, and if your imagination can handle it, there's also a sparkly tiara. You're jealous, I can tell.)
Mello and Matt instantly burst out laughing, pointing at poor Light. "HA! See, this is why they hired me to do the fairy business!" exclaimed Mello.
Light scoffed, glaring at the blonde. "Well, you're the king, so you weren't available. Someone had to play the wish-granter."
"Well, they should have picked anyone but you," Matt commented. "I mean, seriously. A cable?"
"Can you hurry it up?" L yelled from offstage, struggling to hang on to the cable. "I can't suspend Light-kun in mid-air forever!"
"Are you calling me fat?" Light screeched, turning to focus his glare of doom on L. "That's so mean!"
"I never said Light-kun was fat!" L argued back! "Go back to the script conversation!"
Light rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat. "Alright then...Greetings, King Mello! Due to your kind acts–"
"I get rewarded?" Mello exclaimed happily. "Ha! Score! Mello one, Near ZERO!"
"Shut up!" Light shouted, silencing the king. "You get one wish."
Mello hesitated, thinking for a moment while Matt and Light conversed.
"I helped out too. Don't I get a reward?"
"No, you're not a vital part of the story. Sorry, Matt."
"Oh well. It's fine."
"I'VE GOT IT!" Mello yelled suddenly, surprising both the fairy and the co-king. "I wish Near would be eaten by a cannibal named Kira!"
"HEY!" protested Kira. "That's rude! I'll have you know, I haven't been a cannibal for nine chapters now!"
"Psh. What EVER," Mello said, rolling his eyes. "Just grant my wish, Light."
But Light shook his head. "No, that's not part of the storyline. You're a plot fairy. Follow the rules you keep preaching at us!"
"I make my own rules, Yagami! Cannibal! Now!" Mello growled.
Matt put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "Chill, Mello. Isn't there anything better you can think of?"
Mello shook his head. "Nope. The story says I'm supposed to ask to turn everything I touch to gold, but that's just stupid."
"Then improvise. Think of something better."
Silence fell across the room while Mello thought. Everyone waited patiently (except for L, who waited impatiently for Mello to make up his mind so he could let go of the cable) for the king to finish.
Finally, Mello's eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers, exclaiming, "I've got it!" once again. L let out a sigh of relief while Mello announced his wish.
"I wish that everything I touch would turn to chocolate!"
Light smiled. "That works. What kind of chocolate?"
Mello just shrugged. "Whatever kind suits best, I suppose."
Nodding, Light waved his fanciful wand (complete with glittery sparkles and everything!) and the wish was granted.
"And now I fly away! If you need me, Here's me cell number," Light said, handing Mello a small piece of paper. "Up, up, and AWAY!"
"Oh, NO!" L yelled. "Incredibly sexy as you may be, I am NOT going to pull you all the way back up there!" And with that, he spitefully let go of the cable and stormed off, letting Light fall to the floor with a loud THUMP!
"Ow!" yelled the makeshift fairy. "That hurt! L! L, get back here!"
Mello and Matt both watched as the two disappeared out the door, shaking their heads.
"They fight like a married couple," Mello commented.
"They'll come back wearing wedding rings, I swear it," Matt chuckled, lighting up a smoke. "Go try out your new power."
Mello grinned maniacally at the suggestion, and dashed outside to test it out. He grabbed a rock off the ground and it turned to chocolate in his hand. He promptly gobbled it up before moving on to grab a branch, repeating the process. This continued for about five more random items in nature before Mello decided to return to his castle to celebrate with a feast.
The king and co-king were both seated at the end of a giant table for the celebration, and mountains of food were set upon the table.
Matt poked at the stuff on his plate. He wasn't really that hungry. He'd only come to please Mello. At the thought of his friend and partner, he glanced over to see how Mello was doing.
The blond king was devouring anything he could reach, even though every piece of food turned into chocolate the moment he touched it. Matt noticed with interest that when Mello took a drink from the nearby goblet, the wine turned into chocolate syrup, and the goblet into a fine piece of solid chocolate.
"Hey, Mello..." he said, catching the blonde's attention.
"What?" Mello asked, biting into his chocolate glass.
"Aren't you tired of chocolate?" the redhead inquired. "Maybe you should have wished for something else."
"Are you kidding me?" Mello practically yelled. "Greed and gluttony have never tasted so delicious! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life! Well, aside from meeting you. But it's a close second, believe me. There are absolutely no flaws!"
"There's one."
Blinking, Mello froze. "What? What is it? What flaw?"
Matt smirked. "You can't kiss me without turning me into chocolate."
Mello's eyes widened, then softened into a more pensive and thoughtful gaze. "You're right...As delicious as a life-sized chocolate Matt would be, I'd miss you a lot..."
"Wanna call Light and get rid of the power?"
Sighing in defeat, Mello nodded. "I guess. But wait a minute. There's something I want to do."
Matt's eyes narrowed into a glare. "Stay away from Near."
"But he would be a delicious white chocolate treat that I could feed to the homeless in the poorer nations!"
"No."
"Fine..."
And so, they called Light on his cell phone and asked how they could cure Mello.
"Already?" Light asked, surprised. "Wow, I thought that would last longer."
"Me too..." mumbled Mello. "So how?"
"Well if you bathe in the river to the east of town, you'll be better," Light said.
"Okay then," Mello sighed, hanging up the phone and turning to Matt. "Matt, you go to the kitchen right now. I expect a whole batch of triple chocolate chip cookies as a reward."
And so, Mello went and washed himself off in the magical river and became normal again. Then he went home and everyone lived happily ever after.
Meanwhile...
Mello sat up in his bed, wondering about the strange dream he'd just had. On a whim, he turned to his friend Matt and asked, "Hey Matt? What kind of chocolate am I?"
Matt rolled over in bed, making a motion with his shoulders that resembled a shrug. "Milk chocolate, I guess," he mumbled sleepily.
"Why?"
"Because it's tastiest."
"Aw, you're sweet."
"Not as sweet as you, Chocolate Boy."
Meanwhile elsewhere...
"Light-kun?" L whispered, prodding Light in the side to awaken his one and only friend. "Light-kun, I have a very important question."
Light grumbled unhappily, sitting up to stare at the world's greatest detective. "What?"
L put a finger to his lips, nibbling on the very tip of the nail. "What kind of cake am I?"
Light let out a sigh of exasperation, falling back onto his pillow. "If I really have to answer that ridiculous question, I'd say you're vanilla bean cheesecake."
"Why?" inquired L.
"Because it's my favorite."
"Aw, Light-kun is so sweet."
"Good. That means you'll like me as much as your cakes."
"Of course, Light-kun."
A/N: I don't know about this one. A lot of the stuff seems terribly pointless and dull...Oh, whatever.