Okay an update. Tell me what you think please. It's been kind of hard getting this out while enjoying the Florida sun. Companion to Flying.
The page swum in Lily's sight as she tried to concentrate on her charms homework. She sniffed and wiped at her slightly dripping nose. A single tear broke free and wriggled down her cheek before it dripped onto the page. A small sob escaped her and Lily shoved away her book as she could no longer keep herself from crying. How could life be so unbearable? She was only a seventh year and yet everything seemed so overwhelming. Some days she woke up feeling as if she couldn't make it through another day. She just wanted to curl up and stay in bed. She wanted her mother to pat her back and murmur that everything was going to be fine. Lily shuddered; she was such a coward. She couldn't face the world and she wasn't even out of Hogwarts yet.
Come on, Lily. Plenty of people have handled much worse before. What if James walked in right now? That thought sent the tears racing even faster from her because James was part of her problems right now. It had been just over a week since their late night flying lesson and she still hadn't worked up the courage to tell him that she liked him. Every time she saw him, her chest constricted with the struggle to keep her emotions in and she ended up gasping for air and losing her train of thought. At night, she lay in bed, running over all the ways she could tell him that she liked him but they either sounded too pathetic or else she lost her nerve every time she tried to put one into motion.
Lily folded her arms upon the table and buried her face in them. She took deep breaths to stop her crying but all that did was add more force to her sobs.
"Lily?"
The voice burst through her sobs and sent her heartbeat scattering. "I'm fine," she managed as she sat up, scrubbing her face with her sleeve. She was glad she had not worn any makeup that day.
She could feel James sit down beside her. Lily slightly turned her head away from him so he could not see her tear streaked face.
"I've got to go," she said quickly, reaching out blindly to grab her charms book. James's hand captured hers.
"I know you don't have anything to do between now and dinner, so I think no one but you will mind if I don't let you run off," he said gently.
Lily turned to glare at him. "Since I do mind, I hope you won't mind letting me go." She jerked her arm, but he held on. "Let me go, James," she snapped. She was dismayed to hear the desperation behind her anger. She had to get away from him before she started crying again. He let her go and Lily bolted for the door. She yanked at the doorknob but the door would not open. She closed her eyes. There was no point in trying to figure out how to open the door. She'd just push herself to tears trying to figure out what spell James had used to seal it shut.
"James, let me out," she breathed, trying to keep her voice even.
"You've been avoiding me all week. I left you to yourself, but I want to know what's wrong now. Are you afraid that I don't like you any more?" he asked softly.
Lily could see she was not going to get anywhere arguing with James or ignoring him and she just didn't feel like resisting anymore. She felt her shoulders slump in submission. "You're assuming that I like you in that statement."
"Why are you fighting it, Lily?" he demanded, unable to keep the frustration from his voice.
"You don't know that I like you," her voice quavered with anger. She still hadn't turned around to face him.
"Then honestly tell me how you feel about me," James challenged.
"I," Lily faltered and found that she could not lie to him, "I like you," she whispered.
Somehow, James heard. The room was silent for a few moments and then she nearly jumped as he gently placed his hands on her shoulders. She couldn't summon the energy to shrug away from him.
"This isn't some childish game to get you to go out with me anymore," he said carefully.
"How do I know that, James?"
"How many other guys would continue to ask a girl out after years of rejection? Especially when she doesn't particularly like letting him down easily? Please Lily, just give me a chance."
"James, please stop," she whispered as tears leaked from her eyes at the urgency in his voice. She had decided to give him a chance and she was going to follow through on that decision, but for some reason one small shred that held to her hesitation wouldn't snap. His hands fell from her shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Lily." How could he do this to her? How could the anguish in his voice shred any resistance she might have put up? How could he capture her breath from her and hold it? How was it that just the sight of him could send her thoughts scattering away?
She turned to face him. James's head was bowed and his hands were now stuffed in his pockets. Lily took a step closer to look up into his face. His eyes were closed and she could see that he struggled to hold in the frustration and hurt that radiated from his face. Hesitantly she placed her hands on his chest and slid them upward until they curved over his shoulders, and she was forced to rise onto her tiptoes to wrap her arms around him.
"James, I like you," she murmured. "Just, just don't," she didn't know what to say. How could she tell him that she might care for him a little bit more than a crush warranted? She wasn't ready for that commitment; she could barely admit that she liked him.
His arms slid around her and pulled her against him. He rested his cheek on the top of her head. "Just don't break your trust," he supplied for her. "I won't, I promise."
They stood quietly for a long while, Lily's head resting upon his shoulder.
"So, do you want to tell me why you were crying?" He finally broke the silence. "This wasn't exactly how I planned to convince you that you liked me."
"What did you have in mind?" Lily felt some of her morose mood lift at the mischievousness in his voice.
"Umm, paying a few Gryffindors to dress up as Slytherins and pretend to attack you so I could swoop in and save you."
"You know I can take care of myself, right James?"
"I figured that so I had plan B: I would have grabbed you in the corridor and kissed you until I proved that one can produce a confounding charm without a wand."
Lily pulled away to look up at him. He was gazing at her, struggling to contain the grin on his face. She felt a small smile wriggle on her lips. "You certainly have had plenty of practice."
"You deserve only the best," he replied easily.
She couldn't help a laugh. "That's a twisted way of explaining your dating cue."
"I stopped going out with other girls at the beginning of sixth year. I ran out of stupid lines to feed them." His grin faded and he became serious once more. "Really Lily, what's bothering you?"
"Just because I told you that I like you doesn't mean I'm going to sit down and have little heart to hearts with you," Lily retorted.
"You know Lily, you don't always have to pretend like you're in control," James said quietly. "No one faults you for being human."
Lily sighed, deciding to give in but ignore his observation. "It's complicated, James. Sometimes your friends go through difficult things, and you're always happy to be there for them. But, I don't know, it's just emotionally draining sometimes."
"And you don't want your friend to think that she's a burden?" he asked in understanding.
Startled at how well he seemed to comprehend her predicament, she nodded. "Exactly. And you want to help, but you know you can never understand exactly what they're going through, only, you're the best person they have."
"Do your other friends know about your friend's problem?"
"In varying degrees, yes."
"Well," James said carefully, "I think all of her friends should know exactly what you know. It's easier when everyone knows than when one person has to deal with so much. I think it may help your friend too. I'm sure you're always there to comfort her, but sometimes it's easier when everyone adds a little bit to keep the person up. Kind of like all of you are giving her something to lean on instead of one of you holding all the weight. She may have come to you, but you're not letting her down by urging her to tell all of her friends."
"Well aren't we a well of wisdom," Lily murmured. James blushed and there was a fluttering in her chest. Even in these few moments, she could see that he was determined not to blow his chance. Already she felt some of the load sift from her shoulders.
"Anything else I can help you with?"
Lily closed her eyes. Why was it so easy to talk to James? Maybe it was because she was no longer holding anything back. Or because they were now both in this risk together. The thought simultaneously thrilled and frightened her. After years of discord she was finally together with James Potter, fulfilling her third year revelation of her feelings for him. But never before had she felt so open to someone. Nor had she ever felt, in any of her previous romantic relationships, that it was possible for someone to have some kind of hold over her.
"Not now," she said finally. She took a breath and exhaled. "Just one thing at a time."
She felt James's hand rest on her shoulder, and then it slid down her arm to take her hand in his. Lily had only dated four boys, three at Hogwarts and one muggle, and each of her relationships had started with an awkward date, which eventually led into more comfortable dates, and then kissing. But with James it was different. There was no time spent getting to know him better; she already knew him so well. Now that she had admitted she liked him, it seemed as if they had progressed far beyond the point of a first kiss and were on their search for a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
She felt him squeeze her hand lightly. "That's fine. I'm always here for you." His voice was hushed, deeper, more mature.
Lily opened her eyes, unnerved by just how serious her thinking and his words were. She smiled up at him, hoping to lighten the air between them. "Marlene's going to be terribly mad at us."
James quirked an eyebrow. "Why's that?"
"We've taken all her fun away. She won't be able to egg either of us on in a fight or make embarrassing innuendos without having to wonder if they're actually true."
"How will your other friends feel about it?" asked James.
"Well, Carlotta won't be too put out. She's been following our relationship like it's a column in Witch's Weekly. For her this is just the latest bit of gossip. Freya will no doubt be surprised and Aura, well, she won't be too shocked. Sometimes I wonder if she knows me better than I know myself. How will your friends feel about it?"
James grinned as he ran his free hand through his hair. "Relieved, mostly. They won't have to put up with my endless scheming to win you over or the side-effects of your temper. Sirius'll probably ask if I gave you a spiked drink or something, Remus'll be supportive and warn me not to blow my chance, and Peter will be vindicated in his belief that there is nothing that I can't get."
"So I'm just a goal?" Lily asked mock-sternly.
"No, well maybe to them you are. You're the person whom I've obsessed over for the past few years, and now you've finally agreed to go out with me. But you've made me realize that some things shouldn't simply be seen as something to accomplish. Some things, or people, are too precious to be so materialized."
Lily felt her neck, ears, and cheeks warm at his last words. This was the opposite direction she'd wanted the conversation to go, though she did enjoy the eager tremor it set off in her stomach. James seemed to sense her wish for a subject change. He grinned hugely and ran a hand through his hair.
"How'd you enjoy the Quidditch match? Pretty impressive?" He waggled his eyebrows at her, making Lily roll her eyes.
"Mhm, impressive your broom didn't tip over with the weight of your ego."
"Haha, very funny, Lily." James looked slightly disgruntled at her teasing. "You take modesty far too seriously," he added.
"If I didn't I don't know where you'd be today."
"More than likely strutting around acting like the king of the world," he admitted ruefully. A gleam sparked in his eye. "By the way, my mum says thank you for providing the discipline she never could."
Lily strolled over to one of the sofas and sank down onto it, resting her arm on the back and propping her chin on her arm. "What's your mum like?" she wondered. She'd always contemplated what the parents of such an energetic, intelligent, mischievous child were like.
James joined her on the sofa, leaning back into the welcoming pillows. "I know House identity fades after Hogwarts, but in some ways she's obviously a Ravenclaw. She's very intelligent and clever and sometimes takes life a bit too seriously. She believes she's stern with me, but I'm her soft spot—she was older when she had me and there's no better chance of being spoiled than to be the only child and son of two older, wealthy people who thought they'd never have children. She likes you very much, from everything I've told her about you. Many times, after I'm forced into relating one of the Marauders' escapades, she asks, 'And what did Lily say to that?'"
Lily laughed. "And your father?"
"He's far more easy-going than my mother. He loves pranks and played them on me all the time when I was younger. Now he lives vicariously through Sirius and me. He really appreciated your pimple retaliation last year. He says that there's nothing like a girl who can take a prank to outwit the pranker."
"So you've told your parents a lot about me?"
James blushed at her observation. "Er—well, yes. What're your parents like?" he asked hastily.
"My mom's talkative, supportive, and loves cleanliness. She was ecstatic when I showed her all the cleaning charms I knew last summer. She always asked me to do the dishes just so she could watch them do themselves. She loves to dance. And she absolutely loves flowers, as you can tell from my name and my sister's."
"Petunia, right?"
Lily's eyes widened in surprise. "How'd you know?"
"I told you I've been obsessed."
"That's not obsession," protested Lily laughing, "that's stalking."
"Mmm, well at a certain point they become pretty similar. Anyway, what's it like having a sister?"
Lily pulled her legs up under her, her good mood slinking away slightly. "Well, it was wonderful as a kid; I looked up to Petunia, practically worshipped her. Everywhere she went, I went. Everything she did, I did. I'm sure it got on her nerves, but for a while she was tolerant. Then, well, then I was accepted to Hogwarts. I used to think she just didn't like losing her sister, but I think it's more than that now. My parents were proud of me being a witch and for the first time I had something she could never have and could do things she could never do. I guess she saw it as if she could never measure up. She became afraid of magic for some reason, even though I tried to convince her that it was harmless, at least anything I could do. But it was pointless; she didn't want to have anything to do with me. She separated herself from me and because my parents of course would not leave me out, she separated herself from them too. She believes the distance between them and herself is because of me, because they love me more, which is far from the truth. I suppose you were expecting a much different answer."
"Sort of. I mean, if I had a sister like you I'd be proud that she was my sister."
Lily smiled sadly. "Thanks, James, but the wizarding world is different for her—it's unknown. Magic is something we, as muggles, have been taught doesn't exist. Imagine having everything you've ever learned turned upside down."
"You shouldn't make excuses for her."
Lily straightened up, scowling at him. What right did he have to say that about her sister? Sure Petunia wasn't the nicest person to Lily, but she was still, in the end, her sister. "I'm not making excuses James. She's my sister. I love her, no matter what," she said fiercely, tears coming to her eyes at the passion behind her protest. She brushed them away impatiently. "What right do you have to judge her?"
James looked appalled that he had upset her so much. He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry Lily, you're right, you're right. It wasn't my place to say anything."
Lily sniffed and wiped at her tears. "It's just I want her to like me, you know? She's my only sister, my only sibling. Why am I telling you all this anyway?" she wondered aloud as she scrubbed at her tears.
James reached out to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, gently and silently giving her his shoulder. She did not take it, but he didn't seem to mind; he appeared content just to have his arm around her. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Lily."
"You probably think I'm a crybaby or something," she said thickly through her clogged nose.
James took out his wand and conjured up a handkerchief for her. He offered it to her and watched as she wiped at her tears and blew her nose. "You've never cared about that before. Whenever you got passionate during our arguments, you cried. I have a distinct memory of you standing amid a puddle of ink, crying as you told me that I'd rewrite Hogwarts: A History just to include myself in it."
Lily laughed wetly as she recalled the incident. "You and Sirius would, and you'd coerce Remus into doing the revisions."
"Give us some credit; we write pretty well."
"Oh, I forgot, you had quite a bit of practice with all the Valentines you had to send out."
James sighed, throwing his head back against the sofa. "Okay, so I couldn't settle down. But you don't have to remind me every few seconds. Besides we're in school. Who's thinking of getting married?"
Lily smirked. "Every girl whose heart you broke."
"I think I was mostly just another accessory for them," he said grumpily.
She chuckled and tentatively reached out to touch his arm. "I'm glad we're friends," she said shyly as her gaze settled on his.
"So is that all we are?" His eyes waited for her response.
Lily sat back. Were they really just friends? Just tonight she had felt so much stirring between them. They could take this further, couldn't they? James knew where he wanted to go; he was just waiting for her to catch up. They were so different. James was ready to leap into life, to take things as they came. She liked to examine all the options, to proceed carefully. He was the spontaneity she longed for but could never quite get. He was waiting for an answer. What should she say? It wouldn't be yes, but 'no' was not sufficient enough. How would she explain what she felt? How conventional, a distant part of her mind observed. Do you always have to use words? Do you always have to know where you're going before you step?
Lily floundered in confusion. I'd like to, replied her usual self. Remember, look before you leap.
You're not going to land on anything hard this time, the other voice replied.
Well what am I supposed to do then?
There was no reply and Lily blinked as James's expectant face came back into focus. He was waiting for her to speak she realized.
She leaned forward, opening her mouth to say something, and then she decided against it and she leaned farther, pressing her lips to his in response. Her eyelids fell shut as everything seemed to sink from under her. This was what it was like to let go of inhibitions, to not contemplate every action.
Exhilaration rushed over her, and she felt as if something honed in and burst through her usually careful self. She felt her fingers brush James's jaw before they slowly slid up into the mess of his hair. She was surprised how soft it was and how it willingly curled and twisted around her fingers.
The kiss swirled up and around her brief distraction and she let all else go.
When they finally broke apart, James let out a slow breath as their heartbeats raced against one another. "Um, I guess that means no?"
Lily pushed herself up slightly, surprised to find herself lying on top of him. "Er—yes. But, I'm not really rushing anywhere." A blush delicately tinted her cheeks.
James smiled, lifting a loose piece of her hair and draping it back, letting his fingers run through her red locks. "It's nice to slow down sometimes."
Lily crawled off of him and sat back in the crook of the sofa's arm. James's glasses were slightly askew as he watched her, a content expression on his face. He reached out and took her hand in his, tracing round patterns over her palm with his thumb.
"How about dinner?" he asked.
"Dinner?" Was it really still almost dinner time?
"Yeah, unless there's more you want to talk about. Or more snogging is always a welcome option." He grinned at her.
"I feel much better now, not so overwhelmed," Lily admitted.
He sat up and kissed her gently on the cheek. "Come on, I'm famished." He stood and waited for her to get up. His fingers laced through hers as they left the room.
"So food obviously outweighs snogging," Lily teased as they headed toward the dining hall.
"Now that you put it that way," James looked at her, raising his eyebrows suggestively. "I know quite a few good places we could go."
"You can show me another time; I'm sure you'll find plenty of opportunities."
"Don't deny that you won't provide a few yourself."
Lily wondered if she would. It would be fun. But she'd try to surprise James, as hard as it was to do so. She simply smiled vaguely.
They arrived at dinner slightly late because James couldn't resist taking advantage of one of those opportunities. Though they parted hands upon entering the dining hall, they couldn't keep their faces from beaming, and it was quite obvious they were trying their best not to look at one another. Each time they happened to meet one another's gaze, their lips wrinkled in restrained smiles. After several minutes of this behavior, Sirius looked between the two of them.
"Bloody hell Prongs, what did you give her?" he demanded loudly.
Lily couldn't help but laugh at James's accuracy.
Marlene frowned, setting down her fork of shepherd's pie as she narrowed her eyes at the couple. "I swear, Potter, if you've drugged her, I will personally hex you until even St. Mungo's doesn't know what to do with you."
"No, I'm fine," insisted Lily.
"They've been snogging," Carlotta said, her voice rising in shock.
"What?" cried Marlene, Peter, and Sirius in unison. Marlene choked on the food she had just put in her mouth, Peter was staring at Carlotta as if she had lost her mind, and Sirius had jumped to his feet.
Lily's face burned, and she buried it in her hands. This was not how she had planned to tell her friends that she was going out with James Potter. Marlene coughed and someone thumped her back.
"Did you see how swollen her lips were?" demanded Carlotta.
"Carlotta, please shut up," Lily said softly, mortified.
"I thought you were going to study in the Head's room," Peter said in confusion.
"Oh he was studying something. It just wasn't his books." Lily could hear the grin in Sirius's voice.
"Shut up, Sirius," James ordered as he gently tugged at Lily's hands to bring them away from her face. She shook her head against his efforts.
"It was coming from a mile of way," Aura said to placate her friends.
"How do you know that?" demanded Marlene, having finally cleared her throat. "One day they're just getting along and the next their holding snogging sessions in the Head's room? Yeah, that was coming from a mile away."
James finally gave up trying to pull Lily's hands away. "Are you ashamed of us?" he whispered in her ear, so that only she could hear.
"No," she sighed as she gave in and lowered her hands.
"Oh, and look, now they're having hushed little conversations," Sirius exclaimed. He was back in his seat. "What's next?"
"Do not finish that thought," ordered Remus, finally joining the conversation. "I don't need any more of your perverted ideas in my head."
Lily glanced at Remus gratefully, and he gave her a shy, yet reassuring smile.
"I guess we shouldn't be too shocked," Freya joined in, softly as always. "They've been kind of quiet with one another all year."
"But," protested Marlene, looking slightly lost. Aura was right; she had made the possibility of Lily liking James such an impossibility that she was having a hard time wrapping her mind around the actuality. "Lily, you're joking right?"
Lily shook her head. "No, Marlene." She didn't think this was the right time to tell her friend that she'd liked James Potter for a while.
Marlene exhaled heavily through her nose and sat back. "This is just weird," she pronounced finally. "I mean now, ugghh, all those insinuations could be true now." Her face twisted in disgust.
Sirius's eyes widened. "Ohhh, you're right. Ohhh, Merlin! I'm scarred!" he cried, throwing his hands over his eyes and moaning.
"You only did it to yourselves," Peter pointed out.
Marlene and Sirius both threw him unappreciative glares, and he shrank slightly.
"He's right," Lily said, coming to his defense. Her face had lost its embarrassed heat, and her bright green eyes now watched her friend with great amusement. "Serves you right, Marlene."
"You yelling at him at the top of your lungs in the middle of the corridor hardly seems like affection," the girl retorted.
"Oh, well, things change." Lily grinned wickedly. "Mmm," she said thoughtfully, "your advice about the changing rooms might come in handy now." She glanced over James appraisingly, her gaze lingering on his lips.
"Okay just stop it," Marlene begged.
"I don't know," James said, catching on to Lily's game, "Sirius has showed me a few places that lend themselves well to—,"
"I am eating, Prongs," Sirius said loudly to drown his friend out as he jammed his fork into his pork chop for emphasis.
Lily and James laughed.
"As funny as payback may be," Carlotta interrupted their amusement, "I am hungry, and I don't even want to think about what those two have been suggesting."
"I second that," agreed Remus.
"Peter, please pass the pepper," said Aura. She put a small helping over her shepherd's pie. "I think we've made this as awkward for Lily and James as possible, so if everyone doesn't mind, I'd like to move on."
Lily gave her Aura an appreciative smile, before she looked at Freya. "What was that Potions question you had earlier?"
She was relieved as the conversation shifted away from her and James as she, James, Freya, and Sirius attempted to work through the potions ingredients for a complicated antidote.
Despite the way in which the fact that she and James were going out had been revealed to her friends, Lily was glad the revelations were over. Carlotta had begged her for details while Marlene drilled her for every aspect of her feelings for James since first year. Freya and Aura were happy to leave her in peace.
Lily fell into bed that night, feeling almost too light to stay in her bed. So this was what it was like being with James Potter: this lightness, the gentle throbbing in her chest as she thought of him. She curled under the blankets and wrapped them around her, trying to imitate the feel of his arms around her. It just wasn't the same. Before tonight she would have felt horrible remembering her breakdown earlier that evening, but somehow, it seemed so distant now with James standing between her and it.
For the first time, Lily Evans drifted off to sleep without wondering if she was somehow letting someone down with her tears. Somehow it just seemed so much truer when James told her that she was only human.