A/N: So it hasn't been a year yet, but still quite a long time since my last update. And probably my last update in a few weeks, since my exams are nearing and I have to study, as well as a killer camp I need to plan for, a celebration for something… all school-related of course. No wonder suicide rates for students are so high. Oh, and the words in italics are pretty idiot-proof, but just in case you aren't familiar with this they're Fllay's thoughts.
Disclaimer: Don't own GSD, etc etc.
Chapter 4 – Nostalgia & Grief
Another day. Another visitor.
Sometimes Fllay wondered if she'd ever get the chance to be the visitor again, and not the visit-ee. Sometimes, it seemed so read she couldn't doubt it. Other times, she couldn't see it at all.
This just so happened to be neither of those days. It was merely one of those times nostalgia was so strong it was tangible.
Fllay didn't know who it was, but nostalgia made her pick out her favourite pink dress, complete with bows and ruffles, and matching shoes. Just in case it was someone from Heliopolis.
The door to the reception room opened under her hand, and immediately Fllay was greeted by something small, pink, bouncy and saying "haro!" every two seconds. She raised her hands instinctively to protect her face, but the robot just bounced away without hitting her.
By the large framed painting of her father (the thought of him still sent fresh stabs of pain), Fllay glimpsed a waterfall of more pink as the robot moved away and let her see. She made her way towards it, even as it turned to reveal a pair of familiar blue eyes.
It didn't shock her that the two of them were dressed exactly the same way they both were when they'd first met. It was only fitting; they were meeting once again.
"You have a very beautiful home."
It wasn't in the script, but Fllay didn't start. "Thank you. This room was designed by my late mother. She loved white."
Just playing the part of the hostess…
"I am sorry for your loss." It could have been true emotion in her eyes. After all, she'd lost her mother earlier on and her father in the war too.
… we're both orphans…
"Thank you." Fllay didn't want her pity, it made her feel indebted.
The smooth hiss of the door sliding open broke into the silence following her statement. Nelia – all smiling, all warm – brought in tea and biscuits.
Daddy's favourites.
Fllay invited her guest to sit. These were manners she'd learned for entering society, but never put into practice.
She filled the two fragile cups with tea, then offered the plate of biscuits to her guest. She watched, transfixed, as the biscuit was dipped into the tea before being nibbled.
He used to do that too…
"Thank you very much." The phrase had been repeated so many times it took Fllay this long to register it. Her eyes travelled from the tea to the face.
"It's my pleasure." A thin layer of ice-cold politeness separated them. The question was, what would happen when it was broken?
"Miss Allster, I'm here regarding the trial. I'm sorry there is no better way for me to do this, but for me to help you, I need you to recount to me what exactly happened to you in the last few months of the war. Why have you handed N-Jammer Canceller technology to the Alliance?"
For a moment, all she sees is that masked commander who sounded so much like her father.
"Miss Allster?"
"Fllay," she replied automatically. "I'm Fllay. If you're going to be spending some quality time with me, you should start getting used to calling me by my first name."
Somewhere in the middle of her story, she began pacing. She never mentioned Kira if she didn't have to, and she didn't say how the masked commander sounded like her father.
Somehow, by the end of her story, she'd ended where they'd started: at the portrait of her father.
Did I love you too much?
A faint rustling sound as her – lawyer – stood up. The carpet shushing. Clacking as the carpet ended and tiles began. Silence as she joined her.
… she loves Kira too…
Fllay'd stopped keeping up with the celebrity gossip ever since Heliopolis was destroyed. But Miriallia visited, and she knew more about what happened on the Archangel than she did.
… I can't compete with her…
After all, she wasn't the one who manipulated Kira and wanted him to die. She wasn't the one who made him return time and time again to the battlefield he hated. In so many ways, pink was better than red.
It isn't the colour of fresh blood.
"Do you know," she said suddenly, reaching out to touch the edge of the picture frame, "that he sounded just like my father? The commander with the mask, I mean." She turned to look at the other girl.
Shock, surprise, understanding. Nothing else.
She pressed her fingers against the frame. "it's a selfish reason for helping him wipe out people, I know. But is loving someone so much wrong?"
Is loving him now too late?
"That can never be. I only wish everyone loves their parents as much as you do."
She's always got something good to say. Fllay wanted to laugh. She withdrew her hand and let it fall limply to her side. "Still, it wouldn't be a good idea for everyone to just commit genocide though."
"It isn't your fault."
No point in fighting with her…
"I truly hope you can prove it." Her life depended on it.
"Well then, I am sorry to leave so soon, but I have another appointment regarding the trial. May I take my leave?"
The veneer of politeness is back. "Of course, I wouldn't want to make you late for it." She smiled her brightest smile, the kind that rich men's daughters use during fanciful dinners.
"Well then, there is one last thing to do." A deep breath, then the guest stuck out her hand.
Fllay stared at her, not full comprehending.
"We didn't do this too well the last time. I thought maybe…" she smiled. "Hi. I'm Lacus. How are you?"
… won't run away again…
"Fllay." She smiled back, a little uncertain, and took her hand. "I'm fine, thank you."
He didn't break his promise.
It would be a battle he couldn't fight, but he sent a guardian angel nonetheless.
But did he really forgive me?
She didn't know. She wandered up the stairs. Sometime in the last well the house had gotten to feel more like a prison than the ZAFT ship ever would. It was just too empty for two.
Fllay was used to company. Over the war, she had become isolated. It was only now she realised how much she craved company. How much she wanted to be the ordinary, if slightly superficial girl she used to be.
"Nelia? Are you up here?" she called out.
… don't know why I want her now…
She always saw Nelia as another sign of her imprisonment. That one brief contact with the outside world let her see other wise. Nelia, too, was human.
"I'm in your room, young miss." Nelia's voice sounded along the corridors, warm and welcoming. Fllay made a beeline for it. She reached out and pushed her slightly open room door wide open.
Nelia was sitting on the edge of Fllay's bed, folding clothes. She was neither fat nor thing, but somewhere in between. Fllay thought she was in her forties. With her kind brown eyes and experienced movements, she looked like someone who spent the best years of her life being a doting nurse to children. It was just like ORB to treat her well enough, even now.
Fllay sat down at the head of her bed, removed her shoes and hugged her knees, looking exactly like a child who had run to her nurse after her mother gave her a scolding. She stayed silent, watching Nelia's rhythmic folding like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
Maybe I am still a child…
"Something be troubling you, I reckon, miss." Nelia angled her head to look at Fllay without breaking rhythm. Fold, flap, fold, flap, lay it down, pick up the next one.
… written all over my face…
Fllay didn't answer. It wasn't a question, and Nelia pressed no further.
Some more time passed. "Nelia?" Fllay finally spoke. "Can I ask you something?"
A warm smile, and a "You know I wouldn't say no" was what she got for an answer.
"Let's say a girl, maybe like the one on the ten o'clock show" – Fllay had no idea what it was about – "gets together with a guy who likes her because she wants something from him, and she puts him through a lot of" – what word could she use here? – "tough situations which are potentially fatal. Would he forgive her after everything?"
"Hmm…" Nelia considered. "There's no right answer to this one, young miss, but a lot of it would depend on how strongly he feels for her, and how much she wants it."
Fllay's heart sped up. "what about whether she deserves it? Doesn't that matter?"
"Mistress, have you not heard the saying 'Love is blind'?" Nelia picked up the stack of neatly folded nightdresses and stood up.
Fllay's heart didn't slow. "What if you were the boy? Would you forgive the girl?"
No answer from the woman sticking her head into the wardrobe, and Fllay's heart sank. Nelia emerged unburdened and sat back down again. She reached out to the redhead, who was looking very miserable. "Come here."
Fllay crawled over. Nelia held up a blouse. "Pretend you are a thread. You're stuck inside with so many other threads, but this doesn't bother you because this has been all you know."
Fllay nodded, her curiosity aroused. "Now pretend your closest neighbour has frayed and now takes up more space than usual. You feel angry, indignant. You can wait for your owner to remove it, but then you'd never see your neighbour again. Or you can help your neighbour with it, and take it that things have not changed at all. Which will you choose?"
"But a human is different," Fllay protested. "And he has a choice. I may not be around much longer, if the court finds me guilty."
"What's so different? Compared to the whole universe that we've barely begun to explore, we're just mere threads hanging below others' notice." Nelia wrapped her arms around Fllay and stroked her hair. "If he really does love you, he'll forgive you. Believe me."
That's all that I hope for.
A/N: Another crappy chapter has been brought to you by it's equally crappy author! Okay, I changed my mind about the story. It may have a tragic ending, may have an acceptable one, depending on how I like it and how well reviewers are good at convincing me one is better. And like I said, this will be the last review in a while. Ever since I got my third stripe (for my rank) my life just got about ten times more complicated. (Reviews will make me feel better)