Jac slowly rose from her chair, still lost for words and trembling. She wavered for a moment as if she was going to fall, and then steadied herself by clutching the back of her chair until her knuckles turned white.

"Joseph…? How…? Why…?" Jac could barely form the words.

"Hey. Hanssen's requested my assistance on a special operation down here. And I could only oblige." Jac's heart sank. So he didn't come back to see me then. She found herself attracted to his baby blue eyes that were innocently staring down at her; she could see no desire in them, or regret, or pain. He was happy. Then why wasn't she? She could feel the tears that were threatening to fall behind the mask she had shielded herself with, and pushed them back, determined not to show any weakness. As Jac felt that wave of anger again, she gritted her teeth, glaring at the once "love of her life."

"What! So, he decides that an ocdc, single parent from Penrith is a better option for performing this "special" procedure then his own, fully prepared Ct consultant? I'm not having it!" Jac retorted, anger pure, tempestuous and recognizable in her words. Joseph looked slightly hurt at her answer, his mouth dipping at the edges to form a small frown. Jac whipped around in enragement, eyes blazing like the fire that had grown inside her, ready to confront Hanssen. Although a tough leader and a strict disciplinarian, Henrik did have a soft side – unfortunately not with Ms Naylor. Quickly, Jac made to step, but Joseph caught and softly pulled her shoulder back, so she was compelled to look into his enticing eyes again.

"Considering your previous record and your reputation, do you really think it is a good idea to barge into Hanssens office?" advised Joseph, his blue eyes staring, unblinkingly and seriously, into Jac's green ones, his face lacking the warmth it usually had. Is that concern in his eyes? It's hard to tell with Joseph, but I suppose it's harder to guess what I'm feeling. If it is concern, than perhaps he still cares for me. I mean, we could, at least, be friends. But, can I forgive him for what he did? Jac blinked, exhaled, and gently pulled Josephs still lingering hand off her shoulder.
"I suppose… Well… I better get back to work. TV show characters to save and all that." Joseph furrowed his brow and inclined his head at this last remark, but soon dismissed it as a misinterpretation.

"Um… yeah… of course." Joseph gingerly placed his hand on Jac's elbow and leaned in towards her. The only thing Jac could hear was the inhaling of her breath, and her heart beating in her chest. But, her anger resurfaced and she found herself turning her head away. The hurt on Josephs face seemed unmissable, but that didn't deter her at all; she had hurt him so many times it was a familiar sight. However, slight guilt fought its way into the warzone that was now her mind as she closed her eyes, silently cursing herself.

"I better…" Jac aimed a finger at Ollie, who was still oblivious to his old colleague's arrival. Joseph spent a minute or two composing himself, then brushed his hand against Jac's and muttered a disgruntled "Yep." his voice edged in embarrassment. Gradually, after many silent moments, he stepped aside so Jac could pass. As she strode to Ollie, Jac slowly traced the outline of her fingers to banish the tingly feeling that had overtaken her hand from Joseph's last touch. Was it right to deny him my kiss? He has to learn that I'm not just a pit stop that he comes to whenever he needs a break or sympathy. I'm not ready to just forgive him like that. It took him just under five years to forgive me properly. It's just, I find that I'm still so attracted to him – like a moth to a flame…

"Is there anyone we can call for you?" Oliver had just asked John Bulk as Ms Naylor arrived. Ollie looked to her for praise at his professionalism, something he had just mastered in the previous weeks. Jac thought otherwise, besides she was still distracted from the last encounter with Joseph.

"Well, don't stop on my account." Jac answered. Slanting his head, Oliver widened his eyes for a second when his back was turned away from his mentor.

"Mother, Father, Wife… girlfriend?" he continued.

"No, no, I wouldn't want them to worry." John replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Are you sure? There's a chance there's going to be complications when you have your kidney removed." Oliver added, his tone of voice set to persuade.

"Well, I suppose ringing my parents won't hurt."

"We'll see what we can do." Jac interrupted, making John swing his head rather rapidly to the other side of the bed. "Ollie." Oliver looked set to complain, but Jac cut him of with a swift glare and he trudged back to Keller desk to make arrangements. Jac turned to go, assuming the conversation had ended, however was pulled back yet again by the sound of Mr. Bulks voice.

"Do you believe in fate Ms Naylor?" John questioned, looking into the distance. Jac rolled her eyes.

"No."

"Why?" John replied, confused at her abrupt answer.

"Because I don't like the idea of not controlling my life."

"Fair play, its just I believe everything has a reason, every person has a purpose, their place in society, their rewards, and their comeuppance. Everyone has a path that they must follow."

"Well that's very insightful, but I have lives to save so…" Jac retorted, sarcasm entering her words now after she had tried so hard to stop it.

"And I also believe that there's a person out there for everyone and no matter how hard things get, if you are meant to be you are meant to be." Jac raised her eyebrows and was about to protest when Joseph apprehensively walked behind her, mouthing something she couldn't quite understand. She motioned her confusion and he repeated his words.

"We need to talk." This is just what I need. Lord Snooty on my case.

"Well, I better get on then." Jac said, placing John's notes in their container, throwing a quick, forced, smile at her patient and walking off past Joseph, ignoring his every move to speak to her.

"Jac?" Joseph followed in her wake. The sadness in his words was so apparent that Jac gave into his plea.

"Joseph, you made your choice and I respect that. You had to do it, for Harry. But, you ended up hurting me. Not that I haven't hurt you before, mind…" Jac sighed through her words. "Let's just call it even."

Jac breathed shakily, grasping another cup of steaming coffee, rejoicing as the hot sensation hit her cool skin. She had retreated to Keller Staff Room; the window was wide open and the weather outside hazardous, sending an army of cold rain over the already shivering figure crouching on the settee. The storm did not discourage her at all; in fact the cool temperatures were welcomed as the drops fell like fresh tears across her cheeks. The look of grief that was plastered on Josephs face just moments before had been engraved into her mind, replaying the painful scene over and over again. Why? Why did I have to say that? Jac dug her fingernails deep into the palm of her hand, relishing the blank the pain provided. After much hesitation, she opened the door and stepped outside. That's when she saw them. She leapt back in shock, narrowly missing a meds trolley, the blinding lights from the ceiling spiraling around her. A shiver crept down her spine. Her heart thumped in complaint. Sheer terror, like nothing she had felt before, exhumed her, threatening to pull her down into darkness. Down. Down. And Down. The world around Jac seemed to have zoned out, her green eyes transfixed on the man near Bed 3: the movement of his hands, the slight lick of his lips, the sweat pouring down his brow. The nurses brushing past her, the yells of the other patients, it all seemed so meaningless to her know. Her whole body seized up. Jac could feel her breath quickening, and soon found her self gasping for air. Deep breaths issued from somewhere behind her. Startled, she skipped sideways a little, feet tangling and fell to the ground, the folders flying out of her arms. Quickly, she scrambled to pick them up, slightly disorientated, and was met with… an outstretched hand. Gradually, her eyes travelled upwards and the face of Joseph Byrne was her first sight, barely managing not to smile. She accepted his hand, feeling a blush ascend her body. Not that it made her face. Jac Naylor never blushed.

"Thanks. But, next time, feel free to do that weird, little, embarrassed smile thing. You can even dance a jig if you want." Joseph smiled, opened his mouth to say something, but than paused as Michael strolled past, accompanied by his deceitful partner Sunil.

"Oh if it isn't Bonnie and Clyde. Come to steal more of my beds have you?" Jac mocked, still dazed.

"What's this? Has valentines day come early this year?" Michael grinned, noticing Joseph and Jac's still entwined hands. Jac tore her palm away from Josephs, staring defiantly at Holbys most hated pair.

"Haven't you two got to go play Barbie with another sixteen year old girl?"

"Come Come Ms Naylor; play nice, we are all friends here." Sunil interrupted, his tone of voice smooth and sleek like it always was. Jac raised her eyebrows, flicked her glossy, auburn hair out of her eyes and after a quick glance at Joseph, put her hands on her hips and replied.

"What do you expect us to do, join hands and sing Ring-A-Ring-A-Roses?"

"Oh I thought you and Mr Byrne had that covered." Michael retorted, a slight smirk on his face. Jac was shocked for a moment, but yet again the usual anger that she found so impossible to control was back, tearing down her defences.

"If you think Darwin will just sit around and read heat magazines while your flamboyant shoes, important suits and boob jobs walk all over them, you have another thing coming." Michael cocked his head in anger, and Sunil simply rolled his eyes, while Jac detached herself with Joseph following in her wake. Michael stopped for a second and furrowed his brow.

"Wait! Which one of us is Bonnie?"

Jac sat at Keller desk yet again, busying herself with folders to destroy the thoughts and memories resurfacing. A little girl lost in the rain. A birthday party without a family. A dark, evil man. Tears. So many tears. Eventually, Jac switched on the computer, in the hope of distracting her self further. As she pressed each button, she felt her self being sucked in more and more into her own thoughts and feelings – What are they doing here? Why now, of all the moments in my life, why now? What do they want, perhaps my heart this time instead of my kidney. Someone was looming over her, muttering something Jac was to engrossed to hear.

"Jac!" Sacha Levy shook her shoulders gently and was surprised when Jac did not flinch at their physical contact.

"What?" Jac snapped, immediately feeling bad.

"I need that ECG quickly. He's complaining of shortness of breath."

"Right." Jac replied, still distant, trying to organise the thoughts swirling around her head. Glancing at the gathering of people by bed 3, Jac started to shake slightly, swallowed, and turned to look up at her old friend. "You know what, let Dr Valentine deal with it. I should be getting back to Darwin." Jac stood up, collected her folders and handed them over to Sacha, still unsteady on her feet.

"Ollie can't cope on his own. You can't just leave him here." Sacha answered, exasperated. He drew a breath, knowing that the next question would not be a welcomed one. "Are you ok?" Jac pointedly avoided looking anywhere near Sacha, guessing what she would find – concern – something she couldn't deal with.

"I'm fine." Jac answered quickly, and, ignoring the protests from her colleague, headed back to Darwin.

Jac entered Darwin slowly, composing her self. She cleared her throat, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt, self-consciously tweaking her hair, and glimpsed at her wristwatch. You can do this. Just act normal – like you said this morning. Just because there here, doesn't mean you have be vulnerable. Just do your job. The desk was a sea of green – it had been clattered with hundreds of patient's folders – probably the work of Greg, he had never been one for efficiency. The computer had been left on and as Jac glanced at it, she realised that Sahira was the culprit – the screen was filled with online catalogs of children's clothes. Jac grimaced, she was anything but maternal.

"Jac?" Speak of the devil. Sahira was cautiously teetering behind Jac, her beautiful black-as-night hair tied up in a neat bun, her voice quiet but strangely confident.

"What?" Jac snapped, standing up straight.

"Can I ask you a favour?" Jac raised an eyebrow and threw a glance at her colleague.

"No." She replied with a dismissive action of her hand. Sahira continued anyway.

"Will you babysit Indie after work?" Jac widened her eyes. Wasn't she the ice queen? The one who hated children?

"You must be desperate." Ms Naylor hesitated, considering the possibility of looking after Indie. As the maternal instincts she had buried a long time ago arose from inside her, she quickly rejected it as not an option – she couldn't show any weakness.

"No, Sahira, I'm about as close to children as Elvis was to Mozart."

"Please, it would only be for half an hour max."

"Its like giving Sacha a boob-job, it's unheard of!" Not like he needs one… "I'm sorry Sahira, but I have enough problems of my own right now…" De-moralised, Sahira, instead of bickering, walked away, knowing Jac would never agree to her request.

Oliver licked his finger and was flicking half-heartedly through Mr Bulks notes when the patient's parents interrupted his continuous brooding.
"So, would he need an operation?" Belinda asked abruptly, graciously accepting a reassuring glance from her husband.

"I'm not sure. The ECG has gone awhile. You're going to have to ask the consultant on Darwin, Ms Naylor." Oliver answered, briefly wondering why Belinda's face had now contorted into something between incredulity and shock. His brow furrowed.

"Ms Naylor did you say...?" Pete exclaimed, sharing a few anxious glancing with his wife.

"Yes." Oliver replied, momentarily remembering the incident that had happened that morning.

"Would that be a Miss Jackie Naylor?"

Jac ran her delicate hands over her tear-stained face; her mascara had smudged and her eyes glistened with newly formed tears. She had barely managed to stand upright when she had withdrawn to Darwin toilets, her legs weakened as the weight of the situation pressed down on her. Her hair was knotted and filthy. Her complexion pale. The pain welling up inside her screamed for release. Quickly, Jac fumbled in her pocket for her keys, and when her hand had made contact, snatched them up so fast that they tore a small section of her trousers. Jac ran her finger over each key until she had selected the appropriate one. She gently rolled up the sleeve of her top. There was only silence. Jac caught her breath. Slowly, she cut a across her arm, only wincing slightly at the pain as dark droplets of blood escaped from the wound that was nearly three inches in diameter. Letting the red rain fall gently into the sink in front of her, Jac savoured the reprieve the incision provided, sighing as her mind became vacant and let her body focus on the throbbing of her arm. Steadying herself on the ridge of the sink, Jac exhaled gratefully, washed away the remaining blood and replaced the sleeve of her shirt. Silently, Jac closed her eyes, hearing the approaching sound of footsteps. She almost jumped when Sahira burst into the room. The two girls just stood there for a second, staring at one another; one beautifully dressed with an expression that could only be described as happiness, the other tearful, pained and mentally unhinged. Swiftly, Jac slung her stethoscope around her neck, and made for the door.

"Ollie, where's Jac?" Sacha Levy sprung from around the corner, his hands, or rather his surgical gloves, covered in not yet congealed blood. Ollie ignored the overpowering smell issuing from his colleague, knowing better than to question his actions.

"I don't know. What does the undead usually do at this hour?" Oliver replied, leaning the phone he had just picked up on his chest. Sacha put his hands on his hips, quite serious now, yet forgot to take off his gloves and grimaced as the blood transferred onto his scrubs. However, he continued, his expression edged with worry.

"I'm serious Ollie; she's been gone for just over 30 minutes. Who saw her last?" Joseph, hearing the conversation, walked over and answered for Oliver.

"I did." He said, his head filled with anxious situations and plausible explanations – alphabetically ordered of course. Oliver and Sacha was momentarily shocked at there old colleagues sudden appearance, wasn't he in Scotland? Sacha quickly dismissed his questions and Oliver the same as there was more important things that needed sorting. Concern tormented Josephs eyes and Sacha noticed.

"She went back to Darwin, but I've paged her ten times and she's not answering. Right, one of us better go find her." Sacha suggested, his eyes darting incessantly at Ollie and Joseph.

"We should set up a search party, or get security!" Joseph demanded, his paranoia and distress getting the better of him now. Flustered, he gestured at Ollie to hand him the phone.

"No need for that." said Sacha quickly, knowing not to let the situation get out of hand.

"Yeah, she's probably just gone to the toilet." Oliver answered, placing his body between Joseph and the phone after he had put it down, eying him warily.
"For…" Joseph hurriedly checked his watch "45 minutes and 32 seconds?"

"You never know…" Sacha interrupted. Ollie and Joseph shot him a few skeptical looks. "What?"

"Look, the longer we stay here, the longer Jac's missing." Joe observed, his unease growing. Sacha sighed.

"Right, where shall we look first?"

Sahira was still temporarily in shock, partially at her colleagues appearance, but as Jac made to storm out, she regained composure, if not for her partner, than for Darwin – Jac was in no fit state to work. Sahira coughed slightly, knowing that the next question would be thrown back in her face, though realizing that without it, Jac would be alone.

"Are you ok?" Jac came to an abrupt stop. Turning to face her colleague, she threw Sahira a contemptuous look, her red hair crackling flames behind her. Jac narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"The answers still no." Jac replied, quite obviously dodging her registrar's question, she wasn't one for that "soft" approach.

"Oh that. I've sorted that out, Indies staying with a friend." Sahira paused for a moment and stared into Jac's eyes, they were watery yes, but as she looked deeper, they weren't just the empty, dark holes like she had been expecting – they knew what real hurt felt like, and were worn by the pain of time. Emotion. Yes, it was years of suffering and regret, but it was emotion. "You didn't answer my question… And I think that's because you don't like the answer."

"I didn't know you had a degree in psychology." Jac retorted. Does she even care if I'm alright or not? She has no idea what real pain is, not many people do. The truth is that it tears you up inside, and if you are not strong than it will diminish you. I am what I am because of my past; she is what she is because of hers. You just have to live with it whatever it happens to be. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. Yet what happens when it catches up with you? It already has once before, and that killed me. I WONT let that happen again. Even now, I still have the note that she left me before she went, scrunched up in my desk. I've never had the guts to throw it away, and that shows how weak I am. That's why I have to be stronger, and that's why I didn't answer her question.

"Look Jac, you can confide in me, we are colleagues." Sahira flicked her black hair, which was now down, out of her eyes. Jac smirked.

"Is it time for the sleepovers and girly plaits already?" Sahira decided to ignore that last comment, being, as she called it, "the better person." Slowly, she exhaled, noticing the fact that Jac hadn't moved an inch since the start of there conversation, as if she wanted Sahira to care and figure out what was wrong.

"Jac, just tell me. I know you may act like the Ice Queen on the outside, but I know you're at least partially human on the inside." Sahira willed her to respond.

"Are you sure about that?" That wasn't the answer she had sought after.

"Please?" Sahira asked, her eyes wide in pleading. Sighing, Jac leaned back onto the white tiles of the bathroom, rejoicing as the soothing coldness transferred onto her head, giving her the relief she desired. She inhaled. Gradually, she opened her eyes, half hoping that Sahira wouldn't be there. But, of course, she was.

"Jac?" Jac shrugged mentally to herself, sighing, and fixed a cool stare on her colleague.

"It's Bed three… they…" Bang! The door sprang open. At that very moment, as if in slow motion, Sacha and Joseph burst into the room, skidding to a halt as they reached the two women, Jac still in mid sentence. Everyone froze for a moment. Irritated, and after composing herself, she whipped round to face them.

"Well, I didn't know you were both transvestites, Sacha I had my suspicions about…" Jac sneered, her eyes travelling around the room. "Isn't this the girl's bathroom?" Joseph blushed, and Sacha simply rolled his eyes, placing his hands on his hips. An endless silence followed. Joseph furrowed his brow in concern as his gaze turned to Jac; her appearance was what struck him most - this wasn't the sleek, ice-queen Ms Naylor like he knew, that persona had been crushed by a more vulnerable person battling through. He kept trying to meet her eyes, to check if she was ok – to no avail. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Suddenly, the acute sound of Jac and Sacha's pagers burst the uncomfortable silence.

"We need to get to Keller now!" Sacha yelled, gesturing at Jac to follow him. They ran down the corridor. The Hospital seemed devoid of any life form, so Jac soon made ground with a wheezing Sacha following behind. Her feet began to pound against the floor and she steadfastly looked ahead; very soon there was nothing going through her mind except for the run-through of her medical training and the resounding thump of each foot. They chose to take the stairs instead of the lifts – they were far too slow, and with Sacha mumbling some unprofessional complaints under his breath, Jac chose to make him suffer more. Finally, they reached Keller, and Jac searched the ward for the patient in trouble. Her gaze quickly found him. She tried to step forward but her petrified impulses pulled her back. Sacha had immediately rushed over to bed three, but Jac found herself transfixed to the floor. She watched, detached, her mind churning circles like helicopter blades. Her eyes followed Belinda and Pete as they relentlessly threw questions at the helpless doctor, there faces plastered with genuine fear for their son. But, her eyes were drawn to Pete's hands. His hands. Her mind was consumed with what they had done. What they will do. They were the devils hands. And she couldn't tear her eyes from them.

"Jac!" Sacha's beseeching voice awoke her from her day-dream. She didn't move a muscle. "It's Symptomatic Bradycardia!" The medical term he had used alerted the raw surgeon inside of her, no matter who the patient was. Rapidly, she ran over to them.

"How long?" she barked at the tense nurse by the bed.

"I don't know… I… I came to check on him, he was short of breath."

"Looks like complete heart block. No pressure. He's decompensating. I need atropine, quickly!" Jac scrambled with the needle of medication, her hands steadying, and inserted it into her patient.

"He's stable." Sacha breathed, glancing with concern at the cardiothoracic consultant that was know breathing heavily, which he guessed was not the result of the run, but was the result of the patient.

"Thank you!" Pete uttered, patting both Sacha and Jac on the shoulder. Jac shot him a murderous glare, amazed at his perfect poker face. Don't you dare touch me! Pete aimed a conceited smile at Jac, which Sacha mistook as one of relief. I remember your grin, that's one of the things that's more apparent when I look back. "Thank you so much, Mr Levy, and Jac is it?" That bastard.

"It's Ms Naylor!" Jac said, barely managing to not raise her voice.

"Oh, of course…"

"Jac, can I talk to you for a minute?" Sacha asked, and, without waiting for an answer, pulled her back so know one could hear.

"I know you don't like all that "touchy feely" stuff." Hell no. "But, I know that John Bulk causes problems for you. And you don't have to treat him."

"He means nothing to me. I haven't seen him before in my life."

"Jac." Sacha loomed over her, real concern in his eyes. Jac sighed and reluctantly continued. It couldn't get any worse could it?

"It's his parents… they…"

Ok, I am bit mean to leave it as a cliffhanger, but itsn't that more exciting? I hope you didn't find this chapter boring, and if you did I promise theres going to be some more action in the next one. I hope everyone is in character. I do not own any of the characters, they all belong to the BBC. I am not going to do that I need five reviews to do the next chapter thing because I enjoy writing it, but I would love some reviews! Ideas are welcome.