Okay, this takes place about a month after James and Lily have started dating. Still on the theme track; this chapter went a little longer than I expected. Enjoy.
I generally listen to music while writing, as many do. For those who for some reason have an interest, my music accompianiment for this piece was Wake me up inside by Evanescence. I have an eclectic music taste so the music genre will range from chapter to chapter.
Anyway, enjoy.
Audrie
James pushed off the wall he was leaning against as he easily picked Lily out of the crowd flowing down the stairs. He'd watched her movements so many times that he'd memorized the motions that set her apart from the people around her. He'd only glimpsed her at breakfast and she'd sat with Aura today in class. He could practically feel himself bouncing as he waited for her come closer. How could a few hours seem so long?
James couldn't keep a lopsided grin off his face as he approached her. His heart thudded loudly in a reminder of just how lucky he was. "Hey Lils!" Her head didn't turn an iota as she continued to talk to Marlene; she walked right past him. "Hey Lily!" he called louder.
Several people glanced back at him, but she continued to walk, her conversation apparently becoming more animated because her hands were fluttering rapidly as she talked. James sighed and jogged after her. He tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey Lily!"
For a second she was quiet and Marlene gave up all pretense of listening to the conversation. She glanced between Lily and him as they both awaited Lily's response. "Hello, Potter," Lily gritted.
What the hell was going on here? Was she angry at him? For what? She hadn't pulled a "Potter" on him since they came to a truce at the beginning of the year. She certainly hadn't used it since they'd become friends and then started dating.
James shoved a hand through his hair, wincing as his fingers briefly got stuck in the tangled mop. He really should have brushed his hair this morning. "Am I missing something here?"
Marlene cleared her throat and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. "Er, I hear what you're saying, Lily. We'll -um- talk later." Lily nodded curtly, her back still to James. He looked to Marlene for some hint at the cause of Lily's ire, but his quidditch teammate was half sprinting down the corridor without a backward glance.
Lily spun around and James nearly stumbled back. He hadn't seen her glare at him like that since the beginning of sixth year when the Marauders had had Peeves dive bomb the students with water balloons filled with spiders.
"Lils?"
"'It's different now,' is it?" she hissed, jabbing a finger at his chest. "'The games are over,'! 'Being with you is more important than breaking the rules all the time,'! Any other lies you want to spout, Potter?"
He flinched as she spat his name. Already he could see the glassy glaze of tears forming over her eyes. His heart and stomach met head on, contorting as one tried to sink and the other to rise. His brain was reeling through his actions over the last 24 hours. What had he done wrong that she knew about? What the hell was going on? What was he supposed to do?
As bewildered as he was, he knew the worst option was to ask what he'd done because then she'd just accuse him of being coy or whatever other notions an angry Lily conjured—and there were many. Just say you're sorry; she's bound to tell you what you've done wrong in the next few seconds. James didn't know just how sound Sirius's advice was and now wasn't the time to find out.
"—why?"
"Huh?"
"YOU WEREN'T THERE JAMES!" she cried, the tears riding over her flaring cheeks. Oh Merlin, she was making him feel like he'd beaten and robbed his grandmother. Where was he supposed to have been? Were they supposed to have had a Head's meeting?
"Where?"
Lily's lips trembled as she fought to get her words out. "In-In Bed!"
"When?"
"Last night." At least she wasn't yelling now, but the hurt of betrayal in her eyes was worse than the shouting.
Oh. Oh shit. James scrambled around his brain for an answer as Lily glared up at him, no doubt waiting for an explanation. He couldn't tell her that he was jaunting around Hogwarts as an animagus with two other illegal animagi and a werewolf. What was he supposed to say?
"I got hungry." He wanted to wince at the lie, but her unblinking gaze told him that she was looking for any sign that he wasn't being truthful.
"Along with Peter and Sirius?" Her eyebrows were arched dangerously high. At least Remus would be exempt from her suspicion; he was supposedly visiting an ill aunt.
"Uh, yeah. See, Peter had this essay that Sirius and I were trying to help him with. We kind of lost track of time and missed dinner." Actually they'd been modifying the Marauder's Map through dinner. While they'd only been able to transfer teachers to dots on the parchment, Sirius had discovered a spell that would allow everyone at Hogwarts to be displayed. "The hunger caught up with me after quidditch practice so I asked them to go with me."
Lily considered his words as the redness in her cheeks receded and her scowl eased. "Oh. Well, you shouldn't really be out late," he saw her struggling with herself and then her shoulders sank a little, "but I guess if you were helping a friend and not causing any trouble." She tried to smile.
James felt as if she'd slammed her fist into his gut and kept pounding him. She didn't question his story as she quietly suggested they catch the end of lunch; she trusted him. But he was lying for a good cause, wasn't he?
Wasn't he? In the darkness of his dorm, the question still throbbed in his skull, making sleep impossible. Sirius's snores were interrupted occasionally when Peter mumbled something in his sleep. James turned his pillow over to the cool side and laid his head back down. She was always so honest with him and never once did she suspect all the secrets that he had and kept. It had taken him nearly two years to get Lily Evans, but when she finally capitulated, she threw herself wholeheartedly into the relationship and that included trusting him, most of the time at least. She understood that pranking was just a part of him that wasn't going to go away with maturity.
"James?"
He twisted to look over his shoulder. The curtains had been parted slightly. The moon glowed over Lily's face, illuminating her pale cheeks and vivid eyes, and highlighting her red tresses with shadow. "Can I come in?" she whispered.
James sat up and nodded. Lily crawled onto his bed, allowing the curtain to fall back into place. He blinked in the darkness. He could feel Lily shifting. Her hand brushed his calve and then his knee. He felt her shift again.
"James?"
He was reaching for her when she gasped and toppled into him, knocking them both back into the pillow. She landed on his arm, sending a jolt of pain through it. "OWW!" he protested.
"James! I'm—," he cut her off as he clapped his hand over her mouth. He listened, just waiting for Sirius to yank the curtains apart. If Sirius found them, James could forget having any peace for the next few days; his best friend was the kind of person who kept spewing jokes and obnoxious little innuendos until someone else caught his interest.
Yet Sirius just kept snoring. Was he that tired?
Lily tugged at James's hand until he allowed it to fall away. "I put a silencing charm on your bed," she whispered.
Oh. "Are you okay?" he whispered back. Why were they whispering when neither Sirius nor Peter would hear them if they screamed at the top of their lungs? Though James wasn't complaining. Lily's warm breath was creating a pleasant tingling against his skin.
"Yeah. Did I hurt you?"
"Not really. More surprised me; that's all."
"I couldn't sleep," she murmured.
James smiled. "Me neither." Her head found his shoulder and she shifted around until she was curled against him. He tried to keep a hold on his breathing, but his lungs had other ideas, sending his breath out in erratic patterns. He'd held Lily before. She had sat curled against him and even sat across his lap once. But though he could not see her, something about the darkness made this setting so much more intimate. Or maybe it was just having Lily in his bed.
"James, I'm—I'm really sorry about earlier." Her voice drifted up to his ear and his arm tightened around her.
"I think my arm'll make it," he joked.
But she didn't laugh, nor did she sound amused when she spoke. "No, you know what I'm talking about. I feel so childish. I walked around half the day ignoring you, enjoying stewing in my anger, telling myself that you'd just proved everything I held against you. I should have just talked to you about it."
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't realize that you were angry with me." He slid his other arm around her. "I should apologize too. You're right; I shouldn't have been out of bed."
It was silent between them for so long that James wondered if Lily'd fallen asleep. But then she sighed. "I can't make you promise that it won't happen again, can I?"
He wanted to: anything to make her happy. But he couldn't just abandon Moony like that, and besides Sirius was already wary of losing his best friend to a girl. James shook his head, even though she couldn't see. "No I can't."
The silence stretched out again and James wished he knew occlumency. What was she thinking? Was she angry at him? Did she think that he was choosing his friends over her? A thought struck him like a bludger out of the fog. He felt so stupid for not noticing it before that he was almost too ashamed to ask her. But his curiosity pressed him until he blurted out, "What were you doing in our room?"
"You grabbed my Transfiguration notes when you bolted out of the library. I thought I'd see you later, but I didn't. At around 11, I still hadn't seen you so I came up to get them from you and none of you were here."
He teased his fingers through her hair as he gazed down at the dark form of her head. He'd gone to every last resort to get her and now he was forgetting that he had to keep her. Sometimes, as he watched her examine her finished essay or frown over a concept, an odd little inkling wriggled in the back of his mind smoothed the warmth of contentment through him. Yet he could never hold onto the inkling long enough to force it into a thought. "I'm really sorry, Lils."
He felt her head move and she squirmed out of his hold. With a jolt, he felt her body settle over his. Her fingers brushed his lips and James felt her hair slide in light folds onto his shoulder. The glow of her eyes was dimmed by the shadows of his bed but it didn't matter because the next moment his eyes slid closed as her lips met his. His fingers came up to tangle themselves in the waves of her hair.
The gentle, hesitant movement of her lips against his raised a shuddering thirst in him. The scent of her hair, of her skin, the feel of her chest pressed against his and her fingers gliding over his temples and into his hair made him seek to more as time sifted way.
His free hand slid down her back to pull her closer as he often did. Yet this time it was different. No robes slid to bunch beneath his fingers. Instead his hands encountered the smooth plane of her back. Pushing the limits of their former encounters, he slowly allowed his hand to drift beneath the fabric of her pajamas to rub circles over her skin. His fingers tingled at the contact. Lily stiffened and her lips lost the harmony of their kiss.
James stopped; his heart thudded as he realized that he may have gone too far. He felt Lily's cheek burn against his. He began to slide his hand from underneath her shirt, but she reached back to stop him. "You just surprised me," she breathed. Her lips retook his, this time with more determination. Somehow her other leg had slid over his legs without him noticing and she was now straddling him.
He returned to tracing circles over her back. Lily's lips broke away from his to press against the corner of his mouth. Her lips skimmed the rim of his jaw and found his ear. His breath sucked in when she discovered a sensitive spot. James felt her smile against his cheek as her lips slid back to meet his. One of her hands found its way beneath his shirt and he shivered as her cool hand rushed over his back. They both gasp when her hand rode over his side to move up his chest in gentle caresses. She pressed herself into him, and James nearly fell away in the burning consciousness of every place that they touched.
This time, it was he who broke away from the kiss. For a moment he struggled to get his breath back; the task wasn't made any easier by Lily's chest rising and falling rapidly against his. He stilled his hand on her back. His body was screaming at his mind for stopping, but he wasn't going to go any further.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
His body struggled to suppress his next words, but he fought to get them out. He wasn't going to let his physical desires impede upon his relationship with Lily. And he had a feeling that was what was just happening. Unfortunately his body caused enough disconnect in his mind that his thoughts came out as, "Er—you're not wearing a bra."
Lily's face hovered just centimeters from his, so close that he was nearly cross-eyed looking at her. She remained there for a few moments before she rolled off of him, an act which left him feeling both thankful and disappointed.
Suddenly he felt her trembling at his side, and his mouth went dry with relief at having stopped it when he did. He sat up to look down at her. James didn't dare touch her at the moment for fear that he would explode whatever her shudders were holding in. He ran a hand through his tousled hair as his mind jumped around for something to say. "Are you okay?" he asked finally.
She sniffed and then her form shook with a sob. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry I'm such a prude, but, but…," she dissolved into her tears, leaving him to watch her in bemusement. A prude? That certainly wasn't the message that he'd been getting…he was pretty close to needing a cold shower.
What was he supposed to say? His gut told him to wing it in usual James Potter fashion, but his logic told him that wasn't the best strategy. But what else did he have?
"I don't think that you're a prude, Lily," he told her. That was easy, but what now? "I mean, it's okay if you realized that you wanted to stop." He swallowed—had she just been going along with him? It hadn't felt like it, but, well she was a woman, and they were as cryptic as sphinxes, as his father put it.
"Look, you're the kind of person who respects herself too much to be a petting zoo for every guy that crosses her fancy. You probably also want a lot more—erm—emotional intimacy, before you get to physical intimacy." That was originally his mother's observation about Lily, but he agreed wholeheartedly with her. "Lily, do you think I asked you out for two years just so I could get a snog and a shag?" Lily's sobs were subsiding and he reached out a trembling hand to squeeze her shoulder. "Look, what just happened can wait. Yes, your body," James felt his cheeks flame and the saliva in his mouth burn as he felt like his parents, "may have— er— wanted other things, but that doesn't mean your mind has to want them too."
His other arm reached out to her and she uncurled herself to move into his lap. He held her against him, his nose running through her hair. "I'm happy just sitting like this." His seventeen-year-old body protested the statement, but it didn't override the sincerity or warmth in the statement.
Lily hiccupped. "You don't mind?"
He smiled and tightened his arms around her. "You're much more important to me, Lily. You're by far the prettiest girl at Hogwarts, but that's just a small part of the reason I like you. Some guys date dumb girls so that they feel smarter, but since I already know I'm fabulously brilliant, I can risk an intelligent woman."
Lily gave him a weak chuckle before she sniffed. "That's a huge risk."
"I have to admit that the few times I've gotten the upper hand on you, I've felt bloody brilliant."
She laughed for a few moments, and then fingered the sleeve of his pajamas. "James?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I have a kiss?"
"Of course."
"One thing though. Just be careful because, apparently, passions run high in the dark."
"I think I can manage that."