I do not own supernatural.

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Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12
.

He wanted to kill them.
To kill Micah…
To kill him.

He couldn't allow that to happen. Castiel couldn't wrap his thoughts around even that idea, let along the fact that the wounded man on the floor before him was his brother. A brother; if he was, why hadn't he had any vague memory of him at all?

Stumbling back, Castiel put a hand to his forehead, trying to control himself when all he wanted to do was run, to somewhere, anywhere he could just be by himself, where he could take his troubles and deal with them when he was ready. But no one ever got that luxury; his problem was here now, and if he left, Micah would still be in danger.

It was as if he knew this had been coming, some part of him expecting something like this, but what was this?

Alex was the first one to help, followed by Micah; linking an arm under Osaels to haul him onto a nearby lunge. It was too small for him to spread out completely, but his comfort was not on anyone's mind. Osael groaned and Castiel saw the blood ease, the wound glowing white before he covered it with his long coat.

Handcuffs linked one of his wrists to the heavy oak wall unit, Osael giving Alex a disbelieving look.
'This will not hold me.'
'Yeah well,' Alex cocked his gun, sitting on his desk, ready to move, 'makes me happy.'
'Men in handcuffs?' Osael gave Alex a sly smirk, Alex rolling his eyes and looking past Castiel to Micah. Stepping forward, Castiel frowned as Osael watched him, feeling some sort of connection as those blue eyes burnt through him, like he was seeing more than flesh.

A hand on his chest stopped him.
Micah shook her head ever so slightly, green eyes pleading and he was about to take her hand, follow her into the other room when his eyes fell on the dark bruise around her neck.
This made him angry.

'Who are you?' Castiel demanded, pushing Micah behind him, as if it protected her somehow.
Osael smirked, 'You still don't remember?' he focused his eye on Castiel even firmer, Castiel remaining firm on his spot. 'Oh my, you really don't remember…'
'Enough!' Castiel yelled, holding a hand to Micah to stop her from touching him, he needed to focus.
'Who was the one that attacked us? What the hell are you both?'

Osael moved again, tugging at the hand cuff as he leant forward. His British accent faded for a moment, his middle aged face morphed into something strange before Castiel blinked, Osael right in front of him.
'Well that just won't do.'

Violently he grabbed the back of Castiels neck, holding him still as his other hand hovered over his forehead. Castiel struggled, trying to pull the hand away from him, to duck under and escape the grasp but he was rendered useless. He could hear Micah calling for him, could feel Alex trying to wrench him free but it was useless.
All Castiel could see was Osaels blue eyes before everything gave way to darkness.
'Forgive me for this, brother.'

Castiel felt like he was in a million pieces.
He was in the past, the present and the future. There was nothing to keep him together, there was nothing to hold him down in one places as he was ripped apart before glued together with nothing but the fibre of his own being. Even that was weak against the force that held him, that threw him to one scene to the next.

All of these, they were his memories?
Feelings were consuming him, so fresh and so real, individually felt but all entirely separate. Castiel opened his mouth to scream but he couldn't hear his own voice over the chatter that consumed him, whispers and pleas to screams and angry words.
It was driving him insane.

Things were moving too fast for him to even concentrate on, to recognise enough that yes that was him, yes he was the one there with the others.
Yes he killed those people.
Yes he travelled around the world.
Yes he died.

He fell to his knees, ears covered as he tried to shield himself from the sensations; the words and the images, there had to be an escape. Rocking slightly, he tried to sooth himself, tried to tell himself that all this was just a trick being played by the thing with Micah and Alex.
Oh God, Micah.

Everything slowed down; the voices changed to something familiar; not comforting but still a lot better than screams and noises. Micah's voice drowned out everything else, leaving Castiel feeling a deep hole in him. He had put her in so much danger… he didn't even know who or what from.
If anything happened to her, he would never forgive himself.

Around him things shifted violently, Castiel falling before he collapsed into water.
It moulded around him, pulling him down further as he fought against it. Lungs were begging for air, burning as he struggled to reach the surface of the darkening water. It was getting harder, the water crushing him… killing him.

No! He had to keep fighting, none of this could be real, it was a trick from Osael…wasn't it?

Slowly he stopped moving, nothing left for him to fight.
He didn't want to give up, but he didn't know what else to do.
Slowly he sank, familiar faces and other bodies with him, already long dead. Their ruined milky hands would reach out to Castiel, who couldn't even recoil when he realised they were carrying him down into the unknown depths.

There were no words, not even a noise but as he stared at their pale white eyes, he knew he didn't want to end up like them.
'Help me…' he whispered, water gushing into his mouth, stealing his last breath.
'Please.'

Firm hands gripped his shoulders painfully, shaking him.

Opening his eyes, Castiel stared up through the water that obscured and blurred the face looking down. Pulled up, Castiel coughed, dragging in shaky breaths as the water spilled from his mouth and around his face. Gasping, he looked at the man that helped him, his own face looking back. He tried to speak, but he could feel his breath rattle in his lungs.

The man, the other him moved away, and Castiel held a hand out to him. Glancing down, he gripped the edge of the white ceramic bathtub, hooking a leg over the edge as he tried to keep himself from slipping back into the freezing water.

Teeth chattering, Castiel collapsed in a heap on the floor, breathless as he tried to call out.
'Wait, stop! Hang on a second!'
He was barely on his feet for a second, his legs caving in on him as he leant into his step. Like a child he tried again, but again he fell, his clothes heavy and gleaming white tiles wet with puddles.

As he paused, taking in deep breaths to calm himself, the screaming in his ears became quieter, the words softer but the puddles on the floor were screaming something entirely different to his reflection.
Each puddle was different, playing out scenes that could either be significant or miscellaneous episodes of his life. Two men fighting beside him, a man in a blood stained apron glaring at him in rage but the one he was wholly focused on was the one closest to him. It didn't seem to be a memory, he could not see himself nor could he recall it. The water was running down from the bath tub, meeting and filling the puddle as he watched.

Micah was aiming a gun, Osael advancing on her. Her face was fierce, eyes angry and damp with tears and Castiel wondered if she was hurt. His question was answered, Alex lay behind Osael, still as blood pooled beneath him. She was growling at Osael, her words he wasn't able to hear but the cold grin on Osaels face made Castiels churn.
'Micah!' he screamed. Grey wings blocked Castiels vision and he panicked, leaning over the now dark pool of water.
'Micah!'

The water shattered, the trance gone as Castiel stared at the shoes.
'You need to stop thinking that you need to save her.'
Following his eyes up the body, he locked eyes with the familiar blue eyes. The other him was staring down, eyes sharp. 'She has survived longer than she has known you.'

Castiel cautiously got to his feet, standing sadly compared to the other.
'But, it is because of me that, that that thing is going to hurt her.'
The other Castiel just grinned, frowning disappointedly.
'I thought you of all things would be able to remember something as important as that one tiny thing.' He held up his hand, pinching his fingers together to emphasise how small this important factor was. Castiel swayed, blinking to steady himself from the dizziness .

'I don't…'
'Understand?' The other Castiel frowned, neatening his dry clothes. He folded his arms then, frowning at Castiel with such a hate, Castiel had the feeling that whatever he was stuck in, this man in front of him was not him.
'No, neither did I when you came into my life.'

He turned to leave but Castiel grabbed his arm.
The bathroom morphed around him, changing into that of a park. The sun was hot on his skin and the pain exploded in his head as the light split through his skull.
'Please, you think this is bad? I'd hate to see you in my position.' He scoffed and Castiel looked up at him again.
'What do you mean?'
The other man squatted before him, tilting his head as he looked at Castiel.
'Not so tough without your powers hm?' he smiled at Castiels confusion. 'Sucks being human doesn't it?' his hand reached out, touching Castiels forehead. Around him everything faded, replaced only again with screams, pain coursing through his body like blood.

'All that fear, all that pain… you should just die, get it over with.'
Castiels chest was too tight, he couldn't breathe and it didn't matter if he squeezed his eyes shut or had them wide open it was all the same images and memories returning to him.
'I don't want to, I can't.' He groaned.
'Why?' The other Castiel bellowed, kneeling and grabbing hold of Castiels face as he scowled angrily.
'Because…Micah.'

The other stood up quickly, tossing Castiel to the ground as the world shifted around them again. The lounge room was dark, and as Castiel staggered to his feet, photos surrounding the room.
'I didn't want to die either, Castiel, I didn't want my family to suffer, my loved ones. But they did. They still are.'
As Castiel looked at the other, standing angrily in the hall Castiel remembered.

'Jimmy Novak. Your Jimmy Novak…but then…'
Castiel looked at all the pictures, the two women smiling, his wife and daughter.
'I, I used you somehow… I, lost your respect…' he turned to Jimmy who had relaxed the tension in his shoulders slightly and some of that anger was replaced with a great sorrow.
'I died and yet you got to live. How is that fair?'

Castiel was standing nowhere now, the cold or hot, not silent not noisy… there was simply nothing. The plain stretched on for as far as he could see, Jimmy the only other colour.
'You are Castiel, but that is my face. You came to me, promised me all that I asked for in return, but you fell short of your end. I had faith, I still have faith. You lost yours and yet you are the one that is saved.'
Castiel fell to his knees, the memories swelling in his mind.
'I am so sorry, whatever it was I did, I am not that man anymore…'
Jimmy didn't move, he didn't change his features but Castiel could feel the tears running down his face.
It was too overwhelming, he wanted to just curl up somewhere, to be left alone and not remember all of this.

Did he really kill all those people? Did he really ruin lives? Did he really betray his family?
Did he become God?

But he couldn't lust curl up like a lizard, he had so much to correct; Sam and Dean Winchester, his Father, brothers and sisters, Micah and Jimmy.
'Forgive me.' He looked up to Jimmy, sniffing as he looked anywhere but Jimmy. It was still hard to believe that Castiel was Jimmy, but yet who he actually was is Castiel. He didn't focus on it thought, simply calmed himself and locked eyes with him.
'I won't beg, and I will accept whatever punishment you see fit,' he took a deep sigh, finally feeling more calm than he had for ages, 'please forgive me.'

Jimmy lowered his arms, his face softening into a small smile as he knelt before Castiel, tis time gripping his face gently to force him to look at him.
'I do not have the power to forgive everything you have done. But I myself can forgive you. All the good that you have done…' as he spoke more memories came to him, but not ones of killing, ones that made him feel… joy, accomplishment, 'I like you Castiel, I forgive you. Now.' He stood back up, smiling at Castiel as the nothing around them slowly became something.
'Now you should remember everything.'

Bright last blinded Castiel, to the point that he cried out.
Abruptly it faded, opening his eyes to blonde hair and worried green eyes.
'Cass? What happened, are you alright?'
Slowly he sat up, the sheet over him tumbling to his lap.
'I, I remember… everything.' He turned to look at Osael, sitting in the other chair by the bed with a triumphant grin.
'What do you remember?' Micah asked him gently, wiping hair from his face. Castiel thought back, filed through his memory but the only one that he could focus on was one that he knew would change everything.

'I'm an angel of the Lord.'

I don't know if this turned out the way i wanted it. I hope it wasnt too confusing for you guys.
Might come back in a week or so and read through it all refreshed and clear of it from my mind now.

Thanks for reading.
Silver-Kirin
xXx