Characters are still not mine.....
Hope you still enjoy.
*Crimson*
.....................................................................................................................................................
Susan was trying, really she was. But every time he smiled at her, every time he touched her and ignited the all too hauntingly familiar butterflies, her soul screamed at her in defiance.
She knew, she knew he was different. She understood he would never hurt her; he was always so gentle, always so careful with her. But, the problem was, all of the feelings that he ignited were the exact same feelings that she had once felt when in the presence of Rabadash.
It was these feelings that had led to the senseless deaths of her soldiers. It was these butterflies which had made her lower her defences and become the prey of a mad man. It was these heated flashes which had created tensions between her and her brothers and sister.
Caspian didn't scare her. The feelings he stirred in her, on the other hand, terrified her.
She had sworn that these feelings would never again dictate her actions.
But with each of his touches, each of his smiles, that pledge was falling to pieces and with it, so was Susan.
Bit by bit she had to put the pieces of herself back together again, separating her past and her present. She needed to find peace but was bewildered about where to begin.
......................................................................................................................................................
Susan awoke groggily to someone shaking her gently. She opened her eyes and stared up at the female dwarf.
"Majesty, Prince Caspian wishes to see you."
"What? Now?"
"Yes, My Lady, he is right outside the chamber."
Susan sat up and bid the dwarf thanks. Lucy stirred from her place on the blankets but thankfully did not wake. Loosely Susan plaited her hair and tried to straighten the gown which she had fallen asleep in. Taking a breath, she peered around the corner. Caspian was leaning against the wall, his hair falling into his eyes as he stared at the ground. She cleared her throat.
"Queen Susan!" Caspian exclaimed, standing upright and bowing quickly.
"You asked for me?" she asked him, trying to stifle a yawn.
"Yes, yes I did." He beamed at her and held out a hand. She hesitated.
"Come, I thought we were past this stage. My hand has not suddenly become evil overnight."
She hid a frown and obediently let him take her hand, chiding herself inwardly for being foolish. Immediately he was tugging her towards the exit.
"Where are we going?"
Caspian grinned over his shoulder. "I have thought of a way to help you with the second problem. You are afraid of my strength, yes? Well, I am going to show you how to defend yourself."
"You're what?"
"Going to show you how to defend yourself."
Susan shivered as they entered the chilly pre dawn air. "I'm pretty sure I can out arch you."
Suddenly Caspian turned on her; he pulled her arm behind her back, swung her around so she was pressed against his chest and held her there tightly. She was trapped. Susan panicked and began to struggle. Immediately he let her go.
She pushed against him and staggered away a few steps. When Susan caught her breath she glared at him angrily, her heart thundering in her ears. He looked contrite at her expression.
"You see? Without your bow and when in close contact, you are helpless. I want to teach you how to break a hold such as the one I used on you. I want to teach you how to defend yourself, maybe then you won't be scared of a man's strength and will have more confidence in your own."
Susan blew out a huff of air and eyed him shrewdly. "Alright, I see your point." She walked a few steps closer determinedly. "Just don't surprise me like that."
After an hour, she had successfully learnt how to tread on Caspian's toes, poke Caspian's eyes, pull on Caspian's ears, break Caspian's grip on her hands, duck beneath his hold, and throw him neatly over one hip. He was bruised and sore but grinning, as was she.
He put his arm around her as they walked back to the How.
She trod on his toes and he stumbled, letting go of her to regain his balance.
When he put his arm around her again, she didn't mind in the least.
A Peace fell into place.
......................................................................................................................................................
Peter laughed hysterically when she demonstrated her new abilities on a disgruntled and bewildered Edmund. Edmund glared up at her from the ground, where she had neatly thrown him from over her hip. Susan grinned down at her little brother, counteracting his frown.
"I wouldn't have fallen; you just surprised me is all." He grumbled, letting Lucy help him up.
"That's the point Ed! You didn't see it coming; it would give a girl time to run. Can you teach me Su?" Lucy eagerly asked.
Susan beamed. "Well, you're probably better off asking Caspian to teach you, he taught me this morning."
Peter raised his eyebrows. "Caspian taught you that?"
"Yes."
"Well!" Peter grinned at Edmund.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Susan demanded.
"Nothing Su."
Susan stepped forward threateningly, but with a smile quirking her lips. "Tell me, or I'll get you like I got Ed!"
Peter laughed. "I'd like to see you try!"
Susan, feeling rather elated and brilliant, charged her brother with an enthusiastic yell. She was able to see Peter's shocked eyes before she ploughed into him. He caught her around the waist and they tumbled to the ground. Lucy laughed at their combined groans and giggles while Edmund peered over them with a satisfied smirk.
"Looks like she got you Pete."
Peter didn't reply, but reached out and swept his brother's feet from under him. Edmund landed on the ground once again with a painful groan. Laughing, Susan tugged on Lucy's dress until she too was sprawled on the grass, comfortably tangled with her brothers and sister. They spent a long moment laughing heartily, poking and tickling, teasing each other affectionately.
"I'm glad we came back." Lucy finally said.
"Really? Even though we're facing an army that is a thousand men stronger than our own and our people are exiled from their own land?" Edmund replied sarcastically. Peter cuffed him over the head for which he received a sharp jab in the ribs.
"Yes." Lucy replied. She rolled over and laid her head on Susan's shoulder. Susan smiled at her fondly and Lucy sighed, burying her head deeper into the folds of the soft material. "I'm really very glad we came back."
Susan felt Peter squeeze her hand tightly.
"So am I." He said, in a low voice. "I think it's the best thing that could have happened."
Susan felt her heart swell. For the first time in a while, the sibling's bond seemed as strong as it ever had been. She had been refusing to admit it, but she had created a distance between her brothers and sister when she refused to let them help her. It was good to lay here and feel loved as a younger sister and feel needed as an older sister.
She pressed her lips to Lucy's forehead.
"I love you."
"Oi! What about us?" Edmund asked, picking up his head and glaring at her over Peter's shoulder, which was moving with his chuckles. Susan laughed, reaching over until she could ruffle Edmund's hair gently.
"I love all of you."
"That's more like it!" he lay back down.
"Su?"
"Hmmm?"
"We love you too, you know."
A Peace fell into place.
"I know."
......................................................................................................................................................
Caspian walked up to Susan from behind and placed a hand on her shoulder. Susan peered up at him; he grinned as she took a deep breath and allowed his hand to stay on her shoulder. Physically, they had made progress. Emotionally, it was much harder and would take a bit longer, but he had ideas. He had plans. Hopefully they would work.
"Come with me." He said, grabbing the dress she had been stitching and putting it aside. Susan clucked her tongue in slight annoyance.
"I was busy, Caspian."
"I know, my Queen, but something much more important is required of you." He replied.
Susan ducked her head. "You don't have to refer to my title all the time Caspian, I apologised for yelling at you, you know I did not mean to rebuke you."
"I know." Caspian smiled at her. "But you are still my Queen, and though your name is beautiful, it does not show the proper respect and adoration to a lady of your calibre."
She smiled shyly and then bit her lip, casting her eyes away. She was trying to hide it, but Caspian saw the brief flicker of hesitance. Best keep things moving along.
"But I digress; to shower you with flattery is not why I pulled you away from such an important activity." He grinned as she rolled her eyes.
"I have a friend I want you to meet."
"Really? What is their name?"
They were now walking down a corridor. Caspian turned them to the right and Susan halted abruptly, her teeth clenching as she realised where they were headed. Caspian squeezed her hand in reassurance.
"His name is Strider. He's a leopard soldier of the Southern Cat battalion."
Susan inhaled sharply. The Southern Cat battalion had been her royal guard during the golden age. Several of the soldiers from that particular battalion had been personal friends. They had lost three members in the fight for Anvard.
"He is mortally wounded. He will not last the week."
Susan felt sick to her stomach. She had not walked among the dying and wounded since that fateful battle. In the beginning years of their reign, she was a fixture among the healer tents, tending wounds, raising spirits. Now she avoided injured soldiers at all costs. She had never even been inside the How's infirmary.
'What about my sister's cordial, I thought it was being used on all mortal wounds."
"He has refused the cordial." Caspian answered quietly. He lowered his head to try and look into her panicked eyes. "I thought it may raise his spirits to meet the Queen his regiment is named after."
"I can't" she said, weakly tugging against his hold.
He held her tightly. She was too agitated to feel fear of his strength. "Yes, you can. I have told him you are coming."
"Caspian! I cannot! I cannot go in there and act like everything is ok, I cannot go in there and bestow a smile on him, have him hold me in such high regard as he lies dyeing! He should hate me, despise the sight of me!"
Caspian tugged her closer and clutched both of her hands, enclosing them warmly within his own. Her fingers were astonishingly cold. Panic had set in.
"Please, Susan, trust me, maybe you need to speak with him as much as he needs to lay eyes on you."
......................................................................................................................................................
The room was dull; there were no windows this deep underground. Susan found herself longing for the sunlight, far away from this oppressive place.
The Leopard lay on his side; great white bandages were tightly wrapped around his midsection. The coverings did nothing to hide the faint red stain which stretched down the Cat's stomach.
"How are you, my friend?" Caspian asked, laying a hand on the beast's head. The Cat's eyes flickered open.
"Prince Caspian. Well as can be expected" Strider rasped in reply.
"I have brought you the Queen, as I promised."
Caspian gently tugged Susan closer; she clenched his hand tightly within hers as her heart thundered in her ears. The Animal's eyes were dull, but alert as he switched his gaze to her.
"My Queen. I apologise for not being able to bow and give respect to my lady."
She could not even open her mouth to reply to his apology. Caspian looked from the Leopard to Susan and with a firm nod, as if coming to a decision, he pulled his hand from hers. "I will leave you to converse while I greet other wounded. I will return momentarily."
Susan clutched at his hand fearfully. "Stay!" she hissed, digging her nails into his flesh desperately. He said nothing, his eyes understanding, but determined and pried her fingers away. Seconds later he had disappeared across the room.
Strider regarded Susan with his golden eyes solemnly. She sat in silence. She only wanted to disappear, wanted to get away. His warm gaze brought back startlingly clear images of her friends. It brought back startlingly clear images of their cold bodies in death, images of their same colour eyes, gazing at her in adoration and then with emptiness.
Strider moved slightly and groaned, his eyes shutting against the sudden surge of pain.
"Does – does it hurt much?" She asked timidly, her gentle heart overcoming her fear of her memories in the face of his pain.
Strider opened his eyes and attempted a smile. "Not so much as to be unbearable, Majesty. But it will be a sweet relief when I pass from this land into Aslan's country." The Leopard looked down at himself. "I always knew I would die from a battle wound. Never knew it would be a prolonged death such as this."
Tears pricked at Susan's eyes, he spoke of death so freely.
"Please, won't you take a drop of my sister's cordial? Surely you have family."
"Yes, yes I have family. Three cubs of my own and seven grancubs. They are well hidden in the mountains. I made my peace with them long ago. I knew, when I came to fight that I would most likely perish in battle."
Susan clutched at her dress, her eyes wide. "But you needn't, you needn't be in this pain, you needn't die, please, my sister can cure you!"
Strider regarded her panicked expression shrewdly. "I am not afraid of death, majesty." He met her gaze steadily. "I am an old Leopard. Well on in my years. Perhaps not as old as some," he said quickly when she moved to protest, " but old enough to have lived and loved. I refuse your sister's miracle because if I accept that drop, I am taking it from the mouth of a soldier much younger, or a friend very dear, or even from the mouths of my Kings' and Queens'. No, I, who am content, will ascend to Aslan's paws with no regrets."
It was an unacceptable excuse. It was unacceptable that he had chosen to die, on the off chance that the cordial would run out and she herself or her brothers and sister would perish in his place.
"Please, not on my account, please never on my account. Take my drop, I willingly give it to you, I would rather see you live out your years than selfishly keep a drop for myself! You cannot die on my behalf, too many have already."
"And more will." His reply startled her; no one had ever acknowledged soldiers' deaths on her behalf before. "It is our gift. It is my gift. I am a soldier of the Southern Cat regiment. It was my forefather's oaths to protect the Gentle Queen. It is mine to uphold, I served with my life and offered it freely so that you might live."
"No! You cannot, I will not accept this gift, I refuse it! You are a free Narnian, take what is yours! Take your life for your own."
Her refusal to hear his reasoning made the Leopard agitated. He tried very hard not to move, but raised his head fully in order to look Susan in the eyes.
"I have, do you not see? It is my life because they are my choices. My choice was to fight in your defence. You cannot begrudge me that honour. My choice is to die, in order for another to live. Can you not understand? Would you not give your life for your brothers and sisters?"
"Yes, of course, but they are my family, think of your own!
"I am. My family lives in Narnia. You are Narnia. You are everything we stand for, everything we hope for. Without you and your brothers and sister at our helm, it will be impossible for us to win this war. I am thinking of my family. I am looking to their future. I look to the future, just as my forefathers did when they ran to your defence."
"Some of your forefathers died because of my foolishness, my courtship with the Calormene Prince. Please, do not make your death another to rest on my conscience."
The Leopard regarded her for a long time, letting her wipe away the tears that she never even knew she had shed.
"I take it you are referring to the battle for Anvard?"
"Yes," She closed her eyes briefly.
Not being able to move, be blinked solemnly up at her. "May I speak freely?"
"Of Course."
"I can see you feel guilt for their deaths. For this reason, I will talk plainly. My Queen, think this: if Anvard fell, the security of all Narnians' would have been placed in jeopardy. Also consider, if the Queen was taken as a slave wife, do you not think the soldiers who rushed to your aide knew their daughters would be next?"
Susan had heard all of these excuses from her brothers before.
"Yes, but still, those soldiers never would have had to consider such things if I had acted responsibly."
"Do you think, seriously, my Queen, that the Tisroc, even if he was scared of Aslan's wrath, would have stayed away from Narnia forever? No, from what I have been told, he was expanding his empire speedily and with great force. It would have only been a matter of time before Narnia was challenged. Personally, I believe you actually saved Narnia. Instead of his father's army, Narnia received only Rabadash and his impulsive army of two hundred which was a much easier battle than a one thousand strong force. Also, by defeating Rabadash and allowing Aslan to bring justice, you prevented a war between Calormene and Narnia for the full time of Rabadash's reign."
Strider reached out a paw and gently raised the queen's bent head.
"Do not dishonour their sacrifice by taking all of the blame. I am sure, if at all they were to blame anyone, it would be the enemy, those men who rushed to invade an innocent country, with murderous intentions and evil in their hearts."
He gazed at her seriously, eyes shimmering in the light provided by fire torches. His paw was callused, yet soft on her chin, the nails just barely touching her ear with gentleness.
"In a perfect world, soldiers would not die, sacrifices would not have to be made, and good people would not feel guilt for things which are inevitable. But this is not a perfect world. And you, My Queen, are not Aslan. You are not perfect."
A Peace fell into place.
Susan felt lighter than she had in years. Gently she took Strider's paw between her hands. There was only one thing to do.
"Then if it is truly your final choice, I can only say thank you, friend Strider, for your gift. A more courageous and wise Leopard I have never met. You have impacted me on this day, more than you know."
Strider snorted bashfully. "It has been an honour to speak with you, majesty, and an honour to serve you, an honour for you to know my name."
Susan gently kissed the old Leopards snout. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes tiredly.
"You must rest. I will visit tomorrow, dear friend."
He was already asleep.
When Susan stood and gently placed the Leopards paw on the bed, it was as if some part of her was left behind with that old dying soldier. She met Caspian at the door. Anxiously, he peered into her face, his eyes tracing the dried tear marks. She smiled at him and he broke out into a relived smile in return. When he took her hand to lead her away, she leant her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes sending fervent thanks to Aslan.
Caspian had stood beside her, when others did not know how. When she was lost, her heart broken and her soul in pieces, when others believed her facade of normalcy, he opened her up, took her apart and then handed her back the right pieces.
She agreed with Lucy. No matter who or what they were to face. She really was glad they had come back.
......................................................................................................................................................
Okay, I'm not entirely happy with his chapter. But I don't have a beta reader, so you guys who take the time to review are my critics and helpers. Did it flow? Make sense? Let me know, what did you like? What didn't you?