Again it took me a little while so forgive me, this one was hard to write. A year ago yesturday I lost one of the most important people in my life and I had been feeling pretty crap about it all week so sorry if it a little vague. Hard to put feelings into words sometimes.

I do not own Supernatural.

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3: 5 -6
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Fire.
That was all he could feel and all that he could hear.

His blood boiled, pounding in his ears and devouring his heart. The fire flicked hot air at his skin like the devil himself spitting as he laughed.
The powerful flames reflected in Castiels eyes, the white sheet around Micah blinding and not offering any protection from the fire as it spread around her in a ring, trapping her.

The last time he had seen Micah and fire together was when he first time he had opened his eyes, thinking that perhaps this was heaven. It turned out it wasn't, but he had only just realised that heaven was with Micah.

He closed his eyes, remembering how she looked by that fire place, writing in her journal, blissfully unaware that Castiel had already started to fall in love with her.
The healthy skin and youthful beauty enhanced by the flames as though they danced only for her. But that wasn't the only beauty that Castiel had fallen for.

Her heart, her soul was unselfish, brave and strong.

Castiel had thought of finding his grace, of restoring Micah so he could belong by her side once again but if he did that, he would betray her dying wish. Plus as he thought back, he had brought both Sam and Dean back, and neither one in one piece.

Never again would he be able to stare into those green eyes, never again feel that blonde hair tickle against his skin or hear her voice sing in his ears.

It was almost unbearable to watch as her body was engulfed in the flames; the smoke rising up into the clear starry sky.
All he wanted to do was hold her, wait for her to wake up but for two days she hadn't.
He watched day and night with sore eyes as her skin got paler, her body got colder until Alex came up the stairs, begging for Castiel to let her go.

'Have to move on Castiel. I'm sorry, it's hard on both of us but tomorrows another day. And unlike you, I can't sit around and watch my family rot,' he said with a firm hand on his shoulder as Castiel hung his head.

He had screamed at Kamael, begged him to come and finish the job; cursed at Osael and demanded that God give him an answer, some sort of sign.
All went unanswered and now here he was.

Alex was crying, his tears not hidden as he patted Castiels back, stepping out of the fire light and into the darkness around them.
They were far out on Alex's farm, the paddocks grass reaching above his knees. It was silent, only the crackle of the fire disturbed it Even the frogs from the nearby dam had fallen silent in mourning.

Castiel hadn't even realised that he had walked away from the fire until her was submerged in the dark water, the freezing liquid rising to his chest. Looking up at the sky, he tried to count all the stars, to see if the heavens would open above him and end his misery but it was only the water that accepted him, closing over his head as he sank deeper into the dam.

At least now his tears were washed away, the burning pain of his eyes was eased but now his lungs screamed. Castiel refused to move, he couldn't move.
All he could do was think.

What had he done wrong the first time?
What would it take to bring Micah back to him? Why was God ignoring him, a father torturing his own son?
He wanted no part of it anymore.
The pounding in his ears grew louder, his body twitching as he fought the need to break the surface.

This was how his miserable life started, this was how it would end.

The smoke was heavy in his nose, dry grass uncomfortable beneath him.

Wearily he opened his eyes, the sun light barely reaching over the horizon. Rolling onto his back, Castiel groaned as his nose burnt and body ached, eyes gritty as they focused on the embers beside him.

Micah.

Instantly he realised he was awake, heart still pounding and eyes still crying.
Why did she have to die?
He was the one that was meant to. If anything she was the one needing a second chance, how many had Castiel had and somehow still got it wrong in the end?
Yet he could remain alive only to watch those he cared about fall around him?
This was torture, not rescue.

'Have you ever told the sun to rise?'

Castiel snapped his eyes open, rolling over to his stomach as he glared up.
Osael stood not far away, hands in his pocket as he watched the sun slowly rise. Slowly he turned his head to look down at Castiel.
'And did it obey?'
It took Castiel a few minutes to collect his thoughts, if this was a dream or real but either way, he was going to take his rage out on him.

Scrambling to his feet, he charged at Osael, not bothering to be quiet as an animalistic cry broke from his throat. He collided into Osael, knocking him to the ground. Before Castiel could hit him Osael vanished, the sound of fluttering wings something Castiel was beginning to fear.

He was standing above Castiel, eyebrows furrowed deep but held a hand out to help Castiel.
'You bastard. How could you show your face here after what you did?'
Dropping his hand back to his side, Osael shrugged his shoulders and Castiel watched as he moved away, standing on the edge of the burnt wood. Protectiveness still swelled in Castiel and as Osael knelt on a knee in prayer, Castiel barely got to his feet before he knocked Osael off his balance.

'How can you still have anger towards me, Cass?'
'I thought you were dead.'
Osael laughed as Castiel got to his feet, Osael making himself comfortable on the ground. Every part of Castiel wanted to beat him, to kick his rage out on him but he knew that would achieve nothing.
'We heal, remember?'

Castiel did remember but he would gladly go back to forgetting all his wrongs, regain the innocence he had.
He didn't deserve Micah in the first place. She deserved better but she died before he could let her go.

'Is she…' he swallowed hard, tilting his head back to keep the tears behind his eyes as Osael got to his feet, 'Micah is in-' he choked, taking a deep breath and Osael nodded.
'She is, yes.'
Castiel met Osaels eyes, seeing the truth in them and he felt the tear slip down his cheek. 'No, brother, I will not bring her back.'
'Why?'
'Because I am not able to. I will not betray my father or my brother. Not like you.'

'Kamael?'
'He will still kill you.'
Castiel frowned, his hand tightening into a fist before he punched Osael. By the look of things, it hurt Castiel more than it did Osael, but the throbbing in his hand know offered an escape from the sorrow.

'You asshole. I will never trust you again. Leave.'
Osael shook his head, turning to face as the bright sun breached the horizon. It chased the shadows off the land and crept up the trees. The dark field became one of gold and Castiels eyes became as bright as Osaels.
'You used to be the most honourable soldier, Castiel. Now look at you.'

With that he was gone, leaving Castiel to walk slowly back to the house.
It hurt him to have to leave the dying embers but he knew that somehow, Micah wasn't there anymore. If Osael was telling the truth, then she had her own safe place in heaven; far away from Castiels reach.

They were both silent as Alex poured the coffee, giving Castiel his before adding a dash of whiskey into his own.
Dark rings were under his eyes; he hadn't slept at all and Castiel could only imagine how scary he looked. His clothes were still damp and even Alex had tried to make a light joke about Castiel taking a midnight swim. Castiel couldn't laugh, couldn't even smile, wasn't able to tell Alex that he loved his cousin enough that he had tried to drown, but an intolerable angel dragged him out.

Everywhere Alex had pictures up, wether of himself, Micah or her parents and friends he had covered them, put them face down on the table. His eyes were still red and his face more solemn then the first time they met. He barely spoke to him, just sat at his desk among the dusty books and paper with a small picture of Micah. Every now and then he would mumble something but Castiel didn't speak. Somehow he knew that sometimes silence was much better than words.

It was close to midday, Castiels stomach growling with hunger. He hadn't moved from the kitchen table, eyes locked on the dishes from the other morning. He had long lost the taste of pancakes on his mouth from when Micah had made them for him, and he needed a bath and change of clothes but it would mean having to go up to Micah room.

Too many memories.

It was haunting him to be in this house, and Castiel could only wonder how Alex was feeling. He was all along now, he had no one else in the world other than the objects, scents and memories in this house.

It was hurting him, he couldn't sit here and do nothing.

Slamming his hands on the table, Castiel tried to think of all his options. Alex didn't even flinch at the sharp noise, only snapped from his trance to find his bottle of whiskey.
It was Castiel that Kamael wanted, but wouldn't make his move until he had watched Castiel suffer enough for his entertainment he guessed. Osael… Castiel had no idea what game he was playing at.

Micah wouldn't want them to be sitting here sulking like children so he got to his feet. His strength received another dent when he kicked a piece of broken cup, the thought of Micah helping him again and again fracturing the strength he was struggling to build. There wasn't much he could do to save Micah but one way or another he was going to get some sort of revenge, justice.

If this was the challenge that God was giving him to earn his forgiveness, to prove himself then he would.

Moving into the study, Castiel ran a hand through his grubby hair and pulled up a chair to sit across from Alex, who unsteadily looked up at him.
'When was the last time you went on a hunt?'
Alex sniffed, part of him glad that his mind was taken off Micah even for a few seconds.
'A good year. I would normally be the info desk, you know, tell them there's a hunt here or who the best hunter nearby was, hell sometimes even how to kill the sons of bitches.' He tried to smile weakly, Castiel grinning to try and comfort him.

Alex in a way reminded Castiel of Bobby Singer, rarely in a hunt himself but always there for others with a bottle of scotch in the drawer. Castiel lost his smile as Alex returned to looking at the picture of Micah, rifle in hand as she smiled. As Alex grabbed the bottle, bringing it to his lips Castiel stopped him, eyes scanning the notes and maps on his desk before locking eyes with him again.
'I know you didn't trust me, probably still don't and hate me for what happened but you have to know, I love Micah just as you do. I never wanted to hurt her. Would she want us to be sitting here?'

Alex frowned, Castiel fearing that he was going to get a first on his chin but Alex shook his head, eyes teary again.

'Well, what is the nearest hunt available?'

Getting pretty close to the end now.
I have a plan for my next story which I hope you will all be interested in, but I do have one question...
What is your favourite muscle/vintage car?

Thanks for reading.
Silver-Kirin
xXx