Persa, The Lost - The BPOV outtake that won the poll vote is now up! Please take a peek at it!
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WARNING!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
-Modest Mouse
EPOV
Time seems to stop. The man and Bella stare at each other. No one moves; no one says anything. That is until she tears out of the diner through the emergency exit in the back of the room. I give the guy one more look before I run after her.
"Bella, stop!" I scream with force, chasing after her. She stops and allows me to catch up to her.
"Who was that?" I ask, hugging her, holding her tight to keep her from running again. Her legs are restless; she bounces from foot to foot and is having a hard time breathing. She can't speak so we just stand in the street, waiting for her to calm down.
"I can't do this, I'm sorry, Edward... I just can't," she says with a sob. I don't know what to say so I just let her cry.
"He hates me," I hear her say into my shirt.
"Who, Bella? Who was that?" Right when she's about to answer me, I see the same man approaching us. Bella notices and tries to run. I tighten my grip on her, not allowing her to leave, knowing I can protect her from the prissy, scarf-wearing fucker that has her so freaked out.
"Stay the fuck back!" I shout to the man. He stops in his tracks. He looks confused and worried, his eyebrows knit together. He goes to step forward again, and I put Bella behind me.
"I said, stay the fuck back!" I don't give a crap who he is. If Bella doesn't want him close, he isn't getting close. He lifts his hands up in a surrendering motion, and he makes no more advances. I take a good look at him. He's well dressed and looks to be in his forties. All three of us continue our standoff. The man opens his mouth to speak a couple times but shuts it. Bella's face is buried in my sweatshirt.
"Isabella," he says softly. At hearing her full name, a sob rips through her.
"Isabella... can we talk?" She makes no effort to respond to him.
"Isabella... we all, everyone... we've been looking for so -" She starts to cry harder so I cut him off.
"Shut the fuck up! You're upsetting her," I shout.
"No... it's ok... Ed... Edward," she hiccups into my sweatshirt.
"Who are you?" he asks me, sounding confused and curious.
"None of your goddamn business. Who the fuck are you?" I spit back. He recoils a little at the harshness of my reply.
"My name is Carlisle Cullen. I used to know Isabella... very well," he says softly.
So this is him. The doctor, the father of Bella's best friends, the only dad Bella ever knew. The man she thinks hates her for how she reacted when her mom died. I relax a little now that I know who he is.
"Isabella, can we talk?" he asks again. I pull away and look at her, trying to see if she will talk to him.
"No, Edward. He hates me." She whispers it, but he hears her.
"No one hates you; no one's mad at you... I just want to talk," he pleads.
Hearing his confession, she peers around me to look at him.
"Please," he says again. She takes a second, appraising him. Her face and grip on my sweatshirt relax. After a while she nods, agreeing to speak to him.
"Go back in the restaurant; we'll be right in," I say. He nods, but still stands there for a minute, reluctant to believe me. With a sigh he turns and walks back to the diner.
"You ok?" I ask, running a hand through her hair to get it out of her face.
"Yeah, I think so. I just wasn't expecting to see him," she says, wiping her eyes.
"If you don't want to talk to him, you don't have to. We'll leave right now," I say, giving her a way out. I promised her she wouldn't have to do anything she didn't want to, and I fully intended to keep that promise.
"No, I need to do this... I need to... apologize. I can't have him hate me forever," she says, putting a brave face on.
I almost tell her again he doesn't hate her, but I think she needs to hear it from him. After a few more deep breaths she steps out of my arms and walks toward the diner. I follow behind her. All of a sudden she stops, turns, and walks away from the diner... fast.
"Whoa, where ya going there, speed-racer?" I ask, grabbing her by the elbow.
"I just... can't. Hearing it from him will completely break me. I used to really look up to him, Edward."
"Well, I think you owe it to him... and yourself to at least listen to him. Hear him out, he didn't seem mad to me, at all," I say, kissing her forehead.
"You're gonna stay with me?" she asks.
"Of course," I say.
"The whole time?" she questions.
"Every single second. I won't even go to the bathroom... scouts honor," I say. She laughs and shakes her head.
"Well, I know I don't know that much about your past, but I'm almost positive you were never a scout," she says, laughing.
"I was," I insist in mock seriousness. "My mom, she uh... made me do it when I was younger. She and my grandma thought I looked cute in the outfit," I admit, trying to continue to loosen her up a little with my embarrassing confession. It works. She laughs and agrees that the outfit would be cute on me. I just roll my eyes at her.
"I'd like to hear more about them," she says quietly. I don't respond. No one knows about my story except for the people who were there that night, and the social workers who have my file. I feel a pang in my chest. I feel lonely, and for the first time in my life, I want someone else to know. I push those feelings down, knowing I won't open up, and focus on the task at hand - getting Bella into that diner.
"Give him... five minutes. Hear him out. As soon as you want to leave, we're outta there. Ok?" I say to her.
"Ok, you'll stay... the whole time?" she asks again.
"Yes, Bella," I say patiently.
"Ok."
This time she starts to walk, and we actually make it to the diner doors. We walk in to see Carlisle sitting at the table we were at, our food - cold - waits for us, both our appetites forgotten. He stands when we walk in the door. He starts to walk towards us, and Bella freezes and grabs my hand. He sees this and stops. She bravely walks forward with me and sits down in the booth; she has a death grip on my hand.
Carlisle sits down across from us. He seems like he would normally be a calm, collected guy, but he is wringing his hands nervously on top of the table. You can taste the awkwardness and tension in the air when he opens his mouth to speak.
"Is he going to stay -"
I cut him off. "I'm not going anywhere," I say coolly, leaving no room for further conversation on the matter.
"Alright," he says calmly. I'm impressed with this guy so far. I've been nothing but an asshole to him, but he's put up with it just for a chance to talk to Bella.
"Isabella," he says.
"Bella," she responds, barely above a whisper.
"What?" he asks.
"Bella, just Bella. I don't like... Isabella anymore," she explains, keeping her eyes trained on the table, her fingers tearing at the napkin she is holding in her hands. I've never heard her say this before; I make a mental note to ask her why she is so against her full name later.
"Ok, that's fine," he says with a small smile. Before he can start to speak Bella starts to talk, quickly in a panic, almost franticly.
"I'm sorry Carlisle. I'm so sorry. I know you and Alice, Emmett and Esme must just... hate me. I didn't mean it. I... I..." She starts to panic so I place my hand on her leg and gently rub it.
Carlisle looks completely shocked but quickly snaps out of it. He pushes a glass of water towards her and makes a soft shushing noise to her. He reaches out his hand and softly places it on top of Bella's. I'm ready to freak out on him, because I expect her to panic at his touch. To my complete shock, she doesn't. Her head snaps up, and they make eye contact.
"Calm down. Take a deep breath," he says softly. She obeys him, breathing deeply. I see the fatherly love he has towards her, but it makes my heart drop just a little bit. I see my fears of being replaced coming to life. I snap myself out of my selfish train of thought and make myself present and in the moment. Bella takes her other hand and grabs mine once again, leaving the other on top of the table in Carlisle's grip. She takes a few deep breaths and calms herself before Carlisle continues.
"I have so many questions," he says. "So many, but first you need to understand something." He stops talking and squeezes her hand gently. "Bella, can you look at me," he requests softly. Her eyes lift to meet his, and a small smile breaks out on his face.
"No matter how tonight ends, no matter how this conversation goes you need to – no, have to - understand that no one was ever mad at you. Not for one second," he says, conviction strong in his voice.
"But... but what I said that night... the horrible things I said to you..." Bella struggles to find her words.
"Bella, you had just gone through something terrible. Your reaction was completely understandable."
"But, Alice... Em... I never even said goodbye to them," she insists.
"I know," he says carefully. "They were sad, maybe a little hurt. More than anything though, they were worried. They love you, we all do. No one hates you Bella."
Not even a stranger could question the sincerity in his voice. I hope Bella doesn't.
"I don't know what happened to you Bella. I don't know if you left, if you were taken, but it doesn't matter. We've been looking for you every second that you've been gone. All of us. The whole town, Esme, Alice, Emmett, your dad-"
"Charlie?" Bella's head snaps up as she cuts him off.
"Yes, Charlie," he confirms. She looks at me, I can see the shock clearly on her face. She starts to tremble. This is all becoming too much for her.
"I'm done Edward," she says, her eyes pleading with me. That's all I need to hear. I promised her if she was done, we would leave.
"Sorry Doc, but I think that's enough for now," I say, starting to stand. I look at Carlisle and he looks shocked.
"No! I mean, Bella, I'm sorry if I did or said something to upset you, but please..." he trails off. She shakes her head as silent tears stream down her face. I see resolve in his features he stands to block our path. The few diners and staff left all turn to look at us. I'm not sure what he's going to say, but I can tell that it's going to piss me off.
"Bella, wait! You don't have to go with him. If he made you before, whatever happened, it's ok. You know I will help you. You don't have to leave with him."
So that's it. He thinks I'm the sick fuck who took her in the first place and is controlling her. I appreciate anyone who will protect Bella, but I'm furious nonetheless.
"Listen here," I say, stepping towards him. He stands his ground, not backing down. Before I can continue to tell him to fuck off, Bella shocks me and steps in.
"Carlisle, no. Edward has helped me... so much. I wouldn't be here without him. I care about him, and I won't let anyone assume those things or speak that way about him," she says with more force and confidence than I have ever heard from her. Carlisle and I stand there in shock.
"I'm sorry, Bella, Edward," he says, looking to each of us,"for making assumptions. I just can't let you disappear again without knowing you're okay. Bella, honey, you don't seem ok," he says softly.
The tears flow faster but she makes no attempt to respond to him. The atmosphere is tense, and I can tell that he isn't going to let us leave easily.
"I just need to think; I just need a little time," she says, here voice coming out in a strained plea. I can tell she wants this man to understand.
"That's fine. Are you staying in town a while?" he asks. I can tell Bella has reached her limit so I take over.
"We're not sure how long we're staying," I say.
"Ok, can we get together again? Maybe you two can come over to the house?" he asks, sounding desperate. Bella doesn't respond, and the air seems to get thicker.
"Please Bella."
"Carlisle," she says. "Please, don't say anything to anyone, not yet."
You can see in his expression he doesn't like that idea. "Bella, I have to. There are so many people that want to know -"
"Please," she pleads, cutting him off. He lets out a big sigh, resigned.
"Ok," he says begrudgingly. I can see she's having a hard time controlling her tears and tells me that she's going to the bathroom. She scampers away leaving me with Carlisle, standing in the restaurant.
"How can we get a hold of you?" I ask. He quickly fishes out a business card, and writes more numbers on the back.
"Call anytime, any of these numbers," he says to me. It seems he can tell Bella has had enough as well and is ready to let us leave. I get my wallet out to leave some bills on the table when he stops me.
"I already took care of it," he says. "You will call, right?"
"The only thing I promise is you will hear from one of us before we leave. I won't speak for Bella, but you have my word that I'll at least let you know if she won't talk to you again," I say. I do feel bad. I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose someone like that - to have them just disappear, then see them randomly five years later, completely changed - only to have them leave you standing in a diner, all of your questions unanswered.
"Thank you, Edward," he says, reaching out to shake my hand. I shake his hand and go find Bella to take her home.
The walk back to the hotel is silent. Bella keeps her arms locked around herself and makes no attempt to get close to me. I want to pull her to me and put my arm around her badly, but I fight the urge and give her space.
We walk into the room, and Bella goes straight into the bathroom, officially shutting me out. I walk to the bed and flop backwards on it with a groan. She may have lost her appetite, but I haven't. I call the first pizza place I see in the phone book - the thinnest phone book I have ever seen - and order us some dinner.
When Bella walks out of the bathroom, she silently sits on the bed next to me. I'm playing with Carlisle's business card in my hand; she stares at it as I pass it between each finger.
"Hungry?" I ask. She just shrugs.
"Well, I ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple," I say, remembering her and her mother's favorite kind.
"Thanks," she says quietly. I say nothing back and just continue to play with the card in my hands, waiting for her to bring up the obvious. I've learned if I just give her space, she'll open up. I feel gross from the long trip and decide I'll take a shower while she works out whatever she needs to.
"Where are you going?" she asks sounding panicked when I stand.
"Just to take a shower," I say, waiting for a minute to see if she wants to talk. When she says nothing, I let her know where the money for the pizza is and go into the bathroom.
I take my time in the shower, exhausted from not only the trip here, but also the unexpected meeting with Carlisle. For the first time in a long time, I don't do anything other than bathe in the shower; I'm just too worn out... and tired of fucking myself.
I get out of the shower and dry off. I'm trying to snap out of the bad mood I've found myself in. The towels are soft and smell so good. When I'm dry and ready to get dressed I realize I've left my clothes out in the room. I grab the towel off the drying rack and wrap it around my waist. When I step out of the bathroom I hear voices.
"No!" I hear Bella say.
I turn the corner and see a man trying to come into the room.
"What the fuck!" I say, pulling Bella back from the door by her arm, ready to beat the shit out of the stupid fucker who picked the wrong damn room.
"Whoa man," he says, scrambling backward. He trips over himself and falls in the doorway. I hold my towel with one hand and am ready to beat his face in with the other.
"Edward, wait!" Bella screams, grabbing my arm pulling me back with all her strength. "I know him. It's ok," she says still pulling me back. I listen to her, but keep an eye on the douche pulling himself up off the ground.
"If you know him then why was he forcing himself in the fucking room while you were saying no?" I demand, looking at the guy who is now shaking in the doorway. Bella is used to my temper by now, she rolls her eyes and explains.
"His name's Marcus, I went to school with him. He's delivering our dinner," she explains, pointing to the pizza on the table.
"Well, deliver and get the fuck out. No reason to come in the room," I say with venom in my voice. I know I'm overreacting, but I don't care.
"Dude, sorry. I was just shocked to see her is all, I was just... just..." I stare him down. It must be frightening to him because he just keeps stuttering. "I'm just gonna go," he says, walking backwards.
"I think that's a good idea," I say, shutting the door.
"Edward! I didn't even pay yet!" Bella shouts, reaching for the door.
"Pizza's on the douche tonight," I say, holding the door shut. She just sighs and walks to the table. She lets out another big sigh when she sits.
"What?" I ask. She looks up at me, a smile playing on her lips.
"Edward, you just tried to kill the pizza boy... wearing a towel," she says.
I look down and feel embarrassed to be standing in front of her practically naked after attacking the pizza boy; I won't let her know though.
"Well, he shouldn't have tried to force his way in here," I say with a smirk, shrugging, trying to play it off. I look at her and see her smiling at me. She seems to know me too well to believe my act. I pull a pair of shorts out of my bag and slip them on under the towel then let it drop to the floor, making sure to keep my back away from her. I look over at Bella, and she's blushing bright red.
"What?" I ask. She just shakes her head, turning a brighter shade of red. I walk over to the table and sit down, not bothering with a shirt; I'm starving. We eat in silence for a little bit until she breaks the silence.
"I missed them more than I knew," she says quietly, looking down at her plate.
"Marcus?" I asked, bewildered. She rolls her eyes at me.
"No, not Marcus," she says, exasperated. "The Cullens."
"I'm sure," I say. "So, when do you want to talk to him again?" I ask. She freezes and looks up at me.
"Oh, I'm not... I don't know if... I just..." A tear escapes her eye in the middle of her rambling. I reach over and grab her hand, rubbing circles into it.
"You were ok with him touching you," I state. She knows exactly what I mean. From the minute I met her, men have terrified her. I've never seen her so comfortable in the presence of another man.
"He's safe. I trust him... all the Cullens; they would never hurt me," she explains. It makes sense, this town... this life was all before that fucker took her.
"Why wouldn't you let him call you Isabella?" I ask.
"Because I don't like it," she says slowly.
"I noticed," I say with a laugh. "I was just wondering if there was a reason why?"
"That's what... Alec... It's what he called me. He never called me Bella, only Isabella," she explains. My hands clinch into fist. I don't respond to what she said, because I'm in a shitty mood and don't want to upset her with whatever comes out of my mouth. After a while she continues on about the Cullens.
"I really miss Alice. I didn't even ask how she was... and Emmett. I really wonder how they are," she says with a soft smile.
"You should find out," I say. "Call him. Didn't you believe him?" I ask.
"About him not hating me?" she asks with a bitter laugh.
I nod.
"He's a more forgiving man than I thought," she says.
"So?" I ask, trying to get her to give me an answer.
"Yeah, I guess I would like to see them. I really do miss them."
"Good," I say, happy that she will see her friends again.
A genuine smile graces her lips, and it makes me feel like I made the right choice by bringing us here. We finish eating our pizza. I stand to throw the paper plates away. As soon as I turn my back, I hear Bella gasp.
Feeling like an idiot I grab the closest shirt to me, throwing it over my head. I know she's seen me before, but I've made sure, as much as I can, that she doesn't get a good look at my back. I'm humiliated. I don't want her to see the scars that have made my back their home. I have yet to turn around, but I feel her presence behind me.
"Oh Edward, who did this to you?" she asks, placing her hand softly on my back. I hear the pity in her voice, and I hate it. I deserve what I have and so much more. I failed at the one thing I should've gotten right. I shrug her hand off and walk away.
"Leave it," I say, and I mean it. I have no desire to share my weakness and grand failure. This is so much different than her secrets. She needed to trust me, to know I wouldn't hurt her or leave her, before she could tell me. I don't tell her, to keep her. Once she learns how weak I was, and how it's my own fault that I ended up where I was, she won't want anything to do with me.
"Edward, please... let me in; talk to me," she pleads from a distance.
"There's nothing to talk about. Leave. It," I say harsher this time. I feel myself losing my temper, but I can't help it. She wants to get this out of me so bad, but I know it will be the end of us - whatever us there is - once she knows. I look over at her and can see she wants to retreat within herself so badly. This is probably the harshest I have ever been with her. She doesn't fall apart though; she stands up straighter and walks up to me. She grabs my hands and looks into my eyes as tears pool in her own.
"Just like you told me that night, Edward, there is nothing, nothing you could ever say to make me think badly of you. I care about you. Please let me in," she says.
I rip my hands out of hers, stepping back. I'm pissed, but not at her. I'm pissed at myself, because I want to tell her so badly. I just can't. I'm pissed I'm so fucked up that I can't let her in even though I want to so badly.
Because I am the way I am, I react out of anger, not knowing what else to do. "Why the fuck do you even care? Why do you even want to know?"
She looks at me, shocked. She steps forward, anger in her eyes.
"Because I love you! That's why I care and want to know!" Her body stops. She freezes and throws her hands over her mouth, shocked she let the words fly out.
There's no way she's more shocked than I am. We stare at each other, not moving. Even though I thought I wanted to hear this all along, that I have admitted to myself I love her as well, I can't get the words out. In my mind, I know we should have a cheesy movie moment where we run and embrace each other while I declare my undying love for her, but I can't. Now that the moment has come, I can't, and I hate myself for it.
Before I even know what I'm doing, my feet move and take me to the front door. I walk out, hearing her sobs as I walk away into the night.
Don't be too hard on Edward! He's been through a lot with Bella and has his breaking points as well.
I'm actually going camping in La Push next week so I'm not sure when the chapter will be out. It may be a couple of days early or a couple of days late.
I will post a teaser on the forum Wednesday!
Let me know what you think! Don't forget to check out BPOV!