OK guys, early it is! You all were so nice to Edward so I made sure to get this out early rather than late :)
I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm sick and it's supposed to rain, hubby will owe me big time for this lol

Huge thanks to the usual! Kimmcarr, Jessypt and Whatobsession17

Thank you so much to everyone that reads and reviews! I read every one, your reviews make my week and encourage me to keep writing!

WARNING!

This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
*IMPORTANT*
This chapter deals with issues of extreme violence, sexual and physical abuse of minors. Please read with caution!

You're gonna hate me when I tell you everything

You're gonna question whether you really know me at all

You will revisit every smile, and where it fit into the day

I know this is how it will play

And I try, oh I try to think of all the things

That I could do to let you know that I love

-Rachel Yamagata

EPOV

As soon as I take three steps from the room, I realize how big the mistake is I just made. How much trust I just destroyed by walking out on her. The kicker of it all - I didn't even want to walk out. Running is all I know, and when I felt the panic rise in me, I did what I know - I ran. I've been running for so long, and I don't want to do it anymore. I stop where I'm standing, forcing myself to man up and stay in the hotel parking lot. I grab my hair out of frustration and tug hard, cursing under my breath.

Even though Bella's still skittish and afraid at times, she's so brave and has overcome so many things. I feel even weaker when I realize how much it took for her to open up to me with her deepest darkest secrets. She was strong and made it through telling me everything. When she asks me for the same thing, I lose my temper, treat her badly and walk out on her, all out of fear.

"Fuck!" I shout into the darkness. I hate myself.

I'm afraid I screwed everything up beyond repair. Then I think about what she said before I ran from the room. She said she loves me. The thought makes my heart feel like it's going to pound out of my chest. I've felt that way for a while now and haven't been brave enough to tell her.

She gives me her heart, and I fucking throw it back in her face. I decide right then there's only one thing to do and that's to go back into the room and try to fix what I ruined. I'll tell her anything, things I've never told another soul. I'll do anything to erase what I just did to her. I turn around to go back to the door. The thought of telling another person about my past is almost enough for the pizza I ate to make a reappearance, but I tell myself this isn't any person, this is Bella, the girl who loves me.

I open the door and see her form on the bed. She's laying on her side, her back is to me. I stand in the doorway waiting for her to roll over and look at me, but she doesn't. I sit on the bed making it bounce more than necessary, expecting her to turn and notice me, she doesn't.

"Bella," I start softly. She cuts me off before I can continue.

"Let's just go to bed, Edward. I'm tired," she says stiffly, still facing away from me. I consider what she says but realize there's no way I can go to sleep, in the same bed, having her hate me. I decide I'll just give her what she wanted to show her how much I care, how sorry I am. If she's decides she doesn't want to listen that's fine. I start to tell her things I have never told anyone else, some of the things, I haven't even allowed myself to think of since the night it happened.

"I don't have a dad - well I do, obviously, but I have no idea who he is." I see her body move a little - she's listening.

"Anyway, I was raised by my mom and my grandparents. I grew up in Bend, Oregon. My mom, Angela, worked hard to support us and had more than one job most of the time. I would spend a lot of my time at my grandparents while my mom was at work. My Grandma Kate and Grandpa Garrett spoiled me whenever they could. My mom and I... we were really close though. Whoever my dad is, he was abusive, that's why she left, and that's why I don't know who he is." This gets Bella's attention; she rolls over to face me. I keep looking ahead, not checking to see if she's making eye contact or not.

"Because of what she had gone through, she raised me to respect women over anything else. She always stressed the importance of not just being a gentleman but to always make sure the woman in my life was put first. My grandparents had the same values, and you could see it in the way they lived. When Grandpa looked at Grandma, you saw the love and respect he had for her even when they were old and shriveled. They had a very old fashioned way of seeing the world, but it's just the way they were."

"I think that's nice," Bella says softly. I smile, silently agreeing with her.

"When I was nine, I was at my grandparents after school waiting for my mom to pick me up when she got off work. My grandma had run to the store to get my favorite ice cream. While she was gone, Grandpa Garrett had a heart attack. We learned at school about calling 911 in an emergency, and I did, but he died before the ambulance even arrived," I explain.

I feel guilty; I feel no sadness from this anymore. It crushed me when it happened, he was the first person I ever lost. I loved my grandpa. He was the closest thing to a dad I ever had, but that part of my life is so disconnected from reality now.

"We moved into my grandparent's house with my grandma, not only to help her, but also to save us some money so my mom didn't have to work so many damn jobs. Grandma Kate was... heartbroken, I guess. She never recovered. She was never the same. A little over a year later, she passed away in her sleep. Mom was devastated, both of her parents gone within a year. I tried so hard to be the 'man' of the house at ten years old. To be strong for her, to take care of her," I say, laughing, realizing now how ridiculous I was.

"Anyway, we had to move. I don't even know why; I was too young to get it. I just remember having to move back into another little shit-hole apartment, like the ones we used to live in. Mom went back to working two or three jobs. I remember being only, like, eleven, but wanting to get a job so badly to help her. She would come home, so tired, probably not even sleeping for days and still make time to help me with my homework or just play a game. She always made time for me," I say, remembering the late nights.

"Even though things were tough, we were ok. I was a happy kid and was always taken care of. No matter if we had the money or not, I never went without. She made sure I was at every field trip and was included in every sport I wanted to be in. She worked her ass off so I could have a great childhood, and I did."

I feel like shit now. She worked so hard to make sure I was happy. I understood, even then, the sacrifices she made, but now I wonder, was she happy? She worked her ass off for me, what did she ever get for herself? She never even dated, not wanting strange men to be around me. She always put me first.

"When I turned twelve and went into Jr. High, she lost one of her jobs. We had to move from our shitty little apartment to an even shittier and littler apartment. There was only one bedroom, and she insisted on me sleeping in it. She would sleep on the little sofa we had, making me sleep in the bedroom. I always hated it, and even slept on the living room floor just to make a point a couple of times," I say, laughing.

I remember waking up and seeing her soft smile as she laughed at my stubbornness. I hear Bella laugh softly with me. I still don't look at her though. In order for me to get through this bullshit, I just continue on.

"One night, I was super beat. I was out playing basketball with the guys and was so tired when I came home. Mom wasn't home from work yet, and I ended up crashing in my room." I pause. I'm not sure if I can get through the next part.

"I woke up to screams," I whisper. "I ran out to the living room and saw two fuckers there with my mom. One was holding her down while the other one hit her." I hear Bella gasp beside me.

"They didn't see me come into the room. They were both screaming at her, demanding to know where 'it' was. She was insisting she had no idea what they were talking about."

"Where is it, bitch!" he screams as he lands another blow to her stomach. She coughs and stutters; she can't breathe. He's big, at least six foot five and nothing but muscle. There are tattoos crawling out of the collar of his shirt and up his neck. The other man is destroying the apartment, searching. He flips the couch over, ripping through the cushions. He's just as large, his arms are exposed but you can't see flesh, only ink.

"I have no idea... what you want!" she cries out. She starts to crawl away, but he grabs her by the leg and drags her back. She's still in her waitressing outfit, the sleeve torn off from the scuffle. Her makeup is running down her face, her hair falling down. She looks so small - so defenseless next to these huge men. He continues to slap and shake her, demanding information. I stand frozen trying to come up with a plan. As quietly as I can, I go back into my room and grab my baseball bat.

"I had no idea what to do, I knew I had to stop them." I feel Bella's hand slip into my own; she squeezes tightly. I look over at her to see that she's now sitting up. I didn't even notice; I was so lost in the memory.

I repeat the plan in my head. Hit the one searching on the head, surprise the one that has Mom, hit him before he sees you coming. I hear Mom scream out in agony as she absorbs another blow. Adrenaline courses through my veins. I don't feel any fear. I just see red. I'm gonna kill the motherfuckers that are hurting my mom.

I step out from the shadow of the hallway, my knuckles white. I grip the bat so hard. The man searching sees me coming, my plan doesn't work. I lift the bat to bring it down to crush his skull, but before it makes contact, he stops it with his hand and laughs.

"I was naive. I thought I was a big man. Man enough to take them both on. I should've found a phone and called the cops or ran for help. Those thoughts didn't even cross my mind at the time; I couldn't leave her in the apartment alone with them. I had my baseball bat and went for them."

The other man stops his attack on my mom and walks over to me. One has a hold of me, his arm wrapped tightly around my neck.

"What do we have here?" The other one says, leaning close to me. His hot breath making me sick to my stomach. I kick and punch, fighting to get away. Mom's screaming in the background to leave me alone. I do whatever I can to keep their attention on me. I hope she will run, get away while they are distracted with me. I know my mom though, and I know that she would never leave me in trouble, just like I would never leave her. I continue to kick and fight, I try to bite the man, but the other one punches me in the face. I taste blood instantly but ignore the pain. Another blow, this one hits me right in the gut. All my air is gone; I gasp and stutter trying to get oxygen back into my lungs. I still fight, but my movements are slower... weaker. The men laugh. Mom screams in horror. I notice her trying to stand, but she can't. Something is wrong with her leg; it's not facing the right direction.

"It didn't work; they got a hold of me and started beating the shit out of me. My mom was pleading with them to stop, and they said they would... as soon as she gave them what they wanted. It was clear by the look on her face, she had no idea what they wanted."

I'm still being held by my throat, I'm fighting to stay conscious. I see the man who isn't holding me walk over to mom and give her a swift kick to her stomach. I lose it. I start to scream and use every ounce of energy I have left to get out of his hold. My twelve year old body can't take much more, and I'm losing the fight. The next thing I see is a gun, it's flying right towards my head, and everything goes black.

"One of them hit the side of my head with a gun, and I passed out. I have no idea for how long, or what happened after. I woke up to a banging on the door, I rolled over, feeling the worst pain I had ever felt, and saw my mom... gone, on the cold floor."

Pain, it's in every fiber of my being. My brain feels like it's trying to escape my skull, like it's too big for my head. I open my eye, the other, too swollen, protests and stays shut. I see destruction around me. My throat hurts. I hear pounding on the door.

"Police, open the door!"

I'm confused. I lay there for a moment, then it all comes rushing back to me so fast. The screaming - the men - Mom. My mom! Where is she? I use everything I have to fight the pain and get my body to move. I roll over and come face to face with my mom. Her eyes open and lifeless stare at me, her head is lolled to the side, her body broken. One hand is reaching out in my direction. I scramble backwards, terrified, until my back hits the wall. It sounds like thunder as the front door gets thrown open, uniformed men come rushing in. I curl in a ball not wanting to be found, wishing they had killed me too, knowing I failed to protect the one person I was supposed to, and now I'm alone in the world.

"They killed her. They probably thought I was dead, too." Bella cries softly beside me and tells me how sorry she is. I have no tears; I ran out of those a long time ago. I can tell she's using all her restraint to not throw herself at me. She knows me well, and right now, I don't want to be touched.

"The cops found them. They had the wrong information. They were members of some gang. They were sent to rough up the girlfriend of a rival gang member who had taken drugs from them. My mom matched the description, and they followed her home from work and..." I trail off, she knows how the story ends.

"I wanted to kill them and planned to, but I never had the chance. They were both killed in prison by rival gang members before they even went to trial." It's so painful for me to share all of this with Bella, and now she knows. She knows what a coward I am. How I let my mom die.

"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry," she says, wrapping herself around me. I'm glad she does, it feels good to have her hold me even when I didn't think I wanted her to.

"What happened after, where did you go?" she asks after a while. She runs her hands softly through my hair, and it calms me enough to allow me to continue.

"Well, I was in the hospital for over a week. A few of my ribs were broken, and I had a pretty severe head injury," I say. Bella shakes her head and the grip she has around my neck increases. I wrap an arm around her waist, finding myself trying to comfort her, even now, hating to see her cry.

"After I left the hospital, I became a ward of the state. I had no living family, except one aunt on my dad's side and she wanted nothing to do with me. I was sent to a foster home. Looking back now, I realize it really wasn't that bad. I was used to getting a lot of attention from my mom. Helping me with schoolwork, coming to all of my games, she was really involved. In foster care, you're nobody. These people were nice enough, but they had more kids than they could handle. I was hurting, lost and confused. My whole life had crumbled, and I felt like no one cared... because they didn't. I started acting out. Getting into fights at school, starting fights at home with the other kids. I quit all the sports I was playing; I just didn't give a shit about anything. All the shit I was doing got me kicked out.

"I was placed in another home and that one wasn't so great, I realized really quickly being ignored was a good thing. I learned firsthand why I didn't want anyone to pay attention to me. This woman liked to hit. She beat kids for no fucking reason; if her husband was drunk he would join in too." A lot of my scars are thanks to that bitch.

"I ran from there and was placed into another home. That house was being run by a sick fuck." I don't elaborate. Bella doesn't need to hear how the sicko came into my room and tried to touch me. She doesn't need to hear how I walked in on the same sick fuck molesting a four year old.

I don't sleep here, after what happened the first night. I know it isn't safe to sleep. I'm laying in the dark, and I want my mom. I lay here and hear crying. It sounds like Lucy, a four year old little girl in the house who never speaks. Not a single word. She's tiny, not like four year old small - no, she's really fucking small and fragile looking. For some reason she's glued herself to my side, follows me around. I just let her. I don't mind her company, and I like the silence.

Hearing Lucy cry is nothing new, it's the only sound she ever makes and only at night. I hear it almost every night. I'm not sure why, but tonight I decide to check on her. I walk out of my room and across the hall. Lucy's door is cracked open and the light is on. I find this odd and quietly look through the opening in the door.

Royce, the fucker makes us all call him "daddy," is holding Lucy down and doing things to her I never knew people were capable of doing to innocent little girls. His back is to me; he has no idea I'm behind him. Lucy sees me though, her crying stops. She hiccups trying to catch her breath, and one little hand reaches for me. Her red, tear stained eyes silently plead for help. I walk away, and I hear Lucy start to cry again at my departure. I won't fuck up this time, I decide. I walk back to my room and look for a weapon. I have nothing. I grab the desk lamp and unplug it. I sneak back across the hall. This whole scenario is too familiar to what happened that night with my mom.

The sneaking down the hall, the feeling of a blunt object in my hand, adrenaline coursing through my veins; it's all too familiar. My chest starts to tighten, and I can't get air into my lungs. Memories flood me, and I find myself back in the apartment, waking up to my mother's dead body. I stop and take a couple deep breaths. I hear Lucy cry out. I can't waste anymore time. I get the fuck over myself and do what I know I have to do.

I burst through the door catching the fucker by surprise. He moves to stand, but he doesn't have a chance. I lift the lamp up and slam it over his head, knocking him out with the first hit. I don't stop though. I hit him over... and over. Blood pours from him... and it encourages me. I throw the lamp to the side; it's in pieces. I continue with my fists; I channel all the hate for the bastards that killed my mom, and all the hate I feel for this man for harming innocent little girls. I start to use my feet too, kicking him. I'm tired all of a sudden, and I stop. I'm gasping for breaths. My face feels wet. I reach up and realize there's water leaking out of my eyes... I'm not crying. I haven't cried since the day my mom died. When the haze of my rage clears, I remember how this all started - Lucy - where is she? I scan the room for her, she's sitting, curled into a ball in the corner, her clothes still off. She's stopped crying though. She doesn't even look scared anymore; she looks... content.

Without saying a word, I pick up her little nightgown with Disney princess on it. I walk over to her and slip it over her head. I reach a hand out to her, she takes it without hesitation. Without saying a word to one another we walk over the bloody, beaten "daddy" and walk out of the house. It's freezing outside. Lucy has no shoes or coat. I pick her up and carry her all the way to the police station. She sleeps on my shoulder for the eight mile walk.

I tell Bella a much censored version of the memory that hasn't faded over the years. I tell her how I got put into a detention center for what I did to Royce.

"I didn't even kill him," I say. Regret lacing in my voice. I thought I had.

"Edward," Bella sighs softly. "What happened to Lucy?" Bella asks. I shrug.

"I don't know. They took her away from me the second we walked into the police station. I know they took her to the hospital and found that she had suffered long term... abuse. They tried to blame me," I say with a bitter laugh. Bella's eyes go wide with shock.

"How?" She asks.

"Well, Lucy wouldn't speak. Their theory was Royce walked in on me hurting Lucy, and I beat him to keep it a secret. Then the guilt caused me to turn myself in to the station," I explain.

"How could they believe that?" she asks shocked. I just shrug again.

"I had a record for being... difficult and violent already," I explain.

"It all came down to Lucy. She was told that the man that hurt her was in jail... then Royce came to pick her up from the hospital. She found her voice and said just enough to say it was Royce who hurt her. After that, more kids came forward saying the same thing. Royce ended up in jail, and I ended up in another foster home. I never saw or heard about Lucy again."

"I hope she's ok, she would be what..." Bella's doing the math for her age.

"Twelve," I say. Bella's the first person I've told about Lucy, I won't tell her I still worry to this day. I can't help but wonder what ever happened to her, and if she ever found a family that would love her and not hurt her.

"After that, I never went back. I was placed in new foster homes all the time but never made it through the first night. I ran every time. I started living on the street and preferred it to any of the homes I had been in. Until I was eighteen, they kept sending me back every time I was arrested."

"Arrested?" Bella asks, surprised.

"Yeah, I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of, Bella," I say. I won't go into details, and she doesn't pry. I'm not that person anymore, and I did what I needed to survive. I lied, fought, stole, cheated, scammed, sold, and fucked to survive. I'm not hiding anything from her, and maybe, one day I'll open up to her. She already thinks I'm a fuggiasco; she doesn't need to hear all the details.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I had no idea," she says. She gets on her knees and kisses my temple. I close my eyes and relish the feeling of her lips on my skin. I turn and come face to face with her. I lean in and slowly kiss her, softly. We start to kiss and she leans on me, lying on my chest. My hands find her hair, and I try to pull her closer to me... she's not close enough. Our kissing becomes more desperate, and Bella finds her way onto my lap, her legs on either side of me.

She moans into my mouth, and out of reflex I buck my hips up against her center. She slowly grinds into me, looking for friction. It's been so long since I've been with anyone other than my right hand I'm about two seconds from jizzing in my pants and place my hands on her hips to stop the movement. She pulls back and looks at me.

"You ok?" I ask looking into her eyes, worried she's about to panic. She just nods and leans back down to kiss me again. I move my hands from her hair to wrap them tightly around her waist holding her to me. She lets out a content sigh. We lay there quietly, both emotionally exhausted.

"I really did mean it Edward, even though I didn't mean to say it," she says softly into the crook of my neck. I'm not sure what to say so I lay there quiet.

"Nothing you said did anything but make me love you more," she adds.

"I'm sorry," I say. She says nothing. She just reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair. She's not mad, she understands. I can't say it. I feel it. I want to say it, but I can't.

I lay there and think about what she said, how what I said to her tonight made her love me more. I told her my darkest secrets, things I thought would make her run, but she didn't. I realize something; I don't only love her, but I trust her; something I thought I would never feel again. If after everything she went through she can trust me with her love, why can't I do the same? After putting myself through mental torture beating myself up for about an hour, I realize I can do the same. I love her.

"Bella," I say. She's asleep. I don't care - now that I've decided, I have to tell her.

"Bella, baby, wake up," I say, gently shaking her. She sits up. She looks sleepy, confused, and so fucking cute.

"I love you too, so much," I say in a whisper. She stares at me for a long second, a smile graces her lips before she launches herself at me. I roll her over onto her back to continue what she started.

There you are, I hope you all can understand Edward a little bit better :)

I'm gone till the beginning of next week, well if I don't get eaten by a bear lol. My mom will have surgery next week and I'll being staying with her, taking care of her. Not sure when the next update will happen but I will try to stay on schedule.

Keep an eye on the forum, I'll keep you guys updated there

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