Hey! How is everyone?
Some awesome news... school is over, and I got straight A's! I'm pretty dang stoked, if you can't tell LOL I'm kinda dreading January 4th, when I have to go back *sad face*
HUGE thank you to Whatobsession17, Jessypt and Kimcarr. I appreciate you ladies more than you'll ever know!
Thank you for every single review. I'm so sorry if I didn't have a chance to respond but I read every single one and they are so motivating!
I hope you all enjoy the chapter, it's longer than normal. There's about a two month jump here.
You're falling over in the train
Can't keep your feet, can't lose the pain
I have watched you break your back
What comes next, a heart attack?
Don't you know we've just begun
Keep your head up, don't hold your tongue
You're young
-Wild Light
EPOV - Week 10 in Forks
"Good afternoon, Edward."
"Hello," I say politely with a nod of my head.
"You're coming back, right? In..." Dr. Carmen looks at her watch. "Let's say one hour?"
"I'll be here," I promise.
"You ready, Bella?" Dr. Carmen asks with a warm smile. Bella nods and stands. She hands me a list of things she wants me to get at the store for her. Her hand trembles, making the paper shake.
"I'll be right here when you get out," I say, giving Bella a kiss as she walks into the doctor's office.
I feel the same anxiety walking to the elevators I have every time I've left Bella alone here. My chest feels a little tighter, I feel irritable and I can't keep my hands still. I could feel the anxiety rolling off Bella as well.
This is the fourth time I've left Bella alone here. She comes four times a week to see Dr. Carmen, and I always sit in the waiting room, waiting for her to finishher therapy. Dr. Carmen decided this week we needed to try and have Bella go at it alone.
When Dr. Carmen said it originally, I thought she was out of her mind.
I'm reading a magazine, but my head pops up when the door opens - Bella isn't supposed to be done for ten more minutes. Dr. Carmen stands in the doorway. She's a tall woman with tan skin and a very light Spanish accent.
"Edward, would you mind coming in and finishing up this session with us?"
I'm confused as to what she would want me in there for but stand and follow her anyway.
Carlisle has asked me a couple times if I'd be interested in doing therapy sessions of my own, and with just one cold look from me and his questioning stops. I have no interest in therapy sessions.
He convinced me to see a medical doctor, because I hadn't seen one for close to ten years. After many conversations on it, and nagging from Bella, I agreed - with one condition. I would only go to the free clinic in the neighboring town. I wasn't going to go into debt for a doctor appointment and a STD test or let Carlisle and Esme foot the bill. It took all day to be seen and it was a shitty place, but I walked out of there with a clean bill of health. I didn't admit it out loud, but it did feel good to know everything was okay, that I hadn't contracted anything with the stupid choices I'd made before Bella.
I quickly snap out of my thoughts when Bella's tear stained eyes meet mine. Most every session she comes out looking like she's been crying but walking in when the evidence was still fresh on her face hurt.
"Go ahead and have a seat," Dr. Carmen says with a smile.
She doesn't specify where, so I sit next to Bella and put my arm around her. Bella scoots into my side and rests her head on me.
"You should be proud of her, Edward. She's making some great progress."
I can almost feel Bella blush from the doctor's compliment.
It took two tries for Bella to find a therapist she was comfortable with, and I'm glad she was picky. It's important she sees someone she feels she can trust and be open with.
"Well, Bella and I have been meeting for close to two months now, and we discussed a few changes we might look into making today."
I don't like the sound of this, but I nod my head to show I'm still listening.
"First, Bella and I think it would be great if you could join us next week for one of her sessions. You're a big part of Bella's life - if not the biggest - and it would be helpful if you could join us once or twice a week after Bella's normal time." I could live with that.
"Ok," I say hesitantly, knowing there's more to this.
"Great! How does next Friday work for you?"
"That's fine. I'm here anyway."
"And that brings us to our second change..." I can already tell I won't like this.
"Which is?" I ask, starting to feel impatient.
"Well, when I first met Bella, it was right after a pretty traumatic panic attack. In these sessions I've had with her, she's made it very clear that those feelings of panic rarely happen when you're around. Also, the two of you have not been separated for... anything really, since it happened."
"Is that a bad thing?" I interject. I don't want to have an attitude with the doctor. I honestly do like her, but I don't like where this conversation is heading.
"I wouldn't say it was a bad thing, but it sure isn't something that will help Bella lead a healthy life." She gives me a minute of silence to absorb all of this information and after a moment of reflection, I hate it even more.
"No, sorry. It's not going to happen."
"Why's that?"
I didn't want to say the reason why in front of Bella, but she's obviously leaving me no choice.
"Because, this guy is still out there; they haven't found him yet. It isn't just about Bella becoming more comfortable; it's about her safety." There, that didn't make me sound like a controlling bastard.
The police were never able to confirm whether or not Alec was the man Bella saw at the mall, but I'm not taking any chances. Jasper's become the lead liaison for the family and the police department. He's also made it clear that Bella shouldn't be left alone.
Bella goes stiff and curls into my side more. Her leg crosses and she intertwines it with mine.
"I agree, Edward. Bella's safety is everyone's number one concern. I would never ask you, or her, to be in an unsafe situation. When I brought this up to Bella today - is it ok that we discuss this, Bella?"
"Yes, he can know anything," she says.
"Well, when we discussed this today, it's the most severe reaction I have gotten from her so far. She's adamant she's nowhere near ready to go out anywhere without you, and I agree that it's too soon for that. All that being said, we came to a compromise to... test the waters, if you will."
I want to stop time right then and there. I don't want to know what the compromise is; I don't want things to change. I'm screaming 'no' inside, but my head is shaking 'yes.'
"Ok, so this is what Bella says she can live with. Do you want to tell him?"
I look down at her as she scoots away to face me.
"Uh... for um..."
"Go ahead, it's ok," I say softly. I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me. I don't want her to ever think her speaking her thoughts - her opinions - will make me angry. I don't ever want her to compare me to him.
"Well next week... instead of waiting for me, Dr. Carmen thinks we should try having you leave me here."
My hands curl into fist on top of my lap. Hell no. I take a deep breath before I speak; I know I have to be careful with how I handle this.
"And what do you think?"
"I don't like it," she admits softly with tears swimming in her eyes.
"We don't like it," I say to Dr. Carmen who laughs as a response.
"I'm sure you don't, and I understand. Trust me, I do. This isn't about making you two less close or pulling you apart, but Bella needs to know that she's safe, even if you're not sitting on the other side of that door."
I look at the door, and all I can think is that she is safer with me on the other side of it.
"Edward, you also need to be able to take off for two hours and know that she'll be ok here."
"No, I don't need that." I say it with a smile, to try and take some of the harshness away.
"I said the same thing... you know, that I don't need you to actually leave for me to understand that." I'm glad Bella feels comfortable enough with this woman to speak up. That alone is a huge improvement.
"Guys," Dr. Carmen says softly. "I know this is hard... probably feels impossible. I'm not going to lie and say that this will be easy, but I do think it's necessary. Bella, I understand you're scared. And Edward, I understand you're scared for Bella as well, but we can't let fear rule your lives any longer."
"I'll make you a deal. See this phone here," she says, pointing to the black cordless phone sitting on her desk. We both nod. She picks it up and hands it to Bella.
"At the beginning of our next session, you say goodbye to Edward, and I'll give you this phone. We sit, see how it goes, and at anytime, if it becomes too much, she'll call you, and you can come right back.
And I did; three times during the first session alone. I agreed to the doctor's terms but ended up sitting in the lobby downstairs unable to force myself to leave the building.
Carlisle lent me his cell phone to use and within twenty minutes it was ringing. I rushed upstairs to a near hysterical Bella. I was able to calm her quickly, and as soon as she seemed okay, the doctor told us to go ahead and say our goodbyes again. I looked at her and wanted to tell her to fuck off.
She didn't back down though and insisted we say goodbye. After some time, I relented, and Bella and I, once again, said our goodbyes. The next call came fifteen minutes later. That time the doctor only let us speak through the door, and once again, we had to say our goodbyes.
The third call came thirty minutes later. I was not allowed to make any contact, only to sit in the small waiting room. Bella had to trust that I actually came back, and I know she did. While I was sitting in the room the phone rang again, and I could hear her actual voice through the door and the speaker of the phone as she said goodbye to me. This broke some tension, making us both laugh at the ridiculous situation.
I went back downstairs, and the phone never rang again. Ninety minutes passed, and Bella completed her first therapy session on her own. The second time we tried this, I received one phone call from here and the third session - the phone never rang.
Even though there was a small stab of pain that she didn't need me in those ninety minutes, my pride for her overruled it. I was blown away with how strong she was becoming. Since the incident at the mall a little over a month ago, I kept my word. I never left Bella's side. I know that her panic attack and being glued to my side had set her back; I just didn't realize how much until the first time I had to leave her at therapy.
Emmett and I had a fight that almost turned into a brawl when I confronted him about letting Bella go to the mall alone. The next day he came over and acted like nothing had happened and things went back to normal. I had to assume this was how sibling-type relationships were. You fought and you got over it. I didn't just get over it. It's obvious he tries to look out for his sister and Bella. I like him, but I don't trust him to take care of Bella.
We've had some good laughs and were becoming friends. He spends most of his time trying to educate me on the finer point of beer and sports, and I showed him how to pick locks. Knowing neither of us would ever use the knowledge we were sharing, we were able to just hang out and have a good time. Carlisle even had me teach him how to pick locks - well when Esme wasn't around. The girls were not impressed with the new talents they learned from me - Alice was, but she wouldn't admit it to Rose, Bella, or Esme.
Emmett is meeting me downstairs to pick me up, and I start to laugh remembering the situation we got ourselves caught in last week.
"Wait... no, do it again." Emmett demands.
I stick the pin back into the hole, and with a flick of my wrist I have it open.
"Damn, you're so fast. Slow down and do it again," Emmett insists.
We re-lock the Cullen's back door and as slowly as I can, I show Emmett how to jimmy the lock. Again, with the flick of my wrist, and not a sound, the door swings open.
"Gimme it. I think I got it."
I sit back sipping the new batch of beer he brought over and watch Emmett fight with the door handle, cussing it out. I'm laughing my ass off when the curtains on the door fly open causing Emmett to fall on his ass and scream like a girl.
"Jesus, Emmett. The first thing I said was you have to be quiet."
I laugh as Carlisle's head sticks out the door.
"What are you two doing?"
"Shh," Emmett hisses as he pulls his dad out and shuts the door again. I spend the next twenty minutes trying to show them something I thought they would look down on me for knowing, but no, they're getting a kick out of it.
"Dammit, Emmett! You scratched the finish. Your mom's going to have a fit."
"A fit about what?" All three of us jump at the voice behind us.
"What are you three doing?" Alice asks, walking up the back steps to get a closer look.
"Nothing, honey. Just fixing the handle here," Carlisle lies smoothly. She eyes us warily then goes inside. Not five minutes later all four women are on the back porch.
"What's wrong with the door, honey?" Esme asks sweetly.
"Oh, nothing... just, you know -"
"I was teaching them how to pick the lock," I say, thinking the situation is hilarious.
Two grown men stumbling and trying to hide what they're doing from their wives. I hear a chorus of names coming from the women, each one scolding their respective partner, and Bella doesn't leave me out. Both men shoot me a look, and Emmett flips me off. I laugh and bring the beer bottle to my lips, only to get it ripped from my grasp.
"No! No beer for you, traitor," Emmett says, mocking hurt and fury all in the same expression, and I about choke I'm laughing so hard. I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a family and if it is... it isn't so bad.
I see Emmett's pickup pulling into the lot when I exit the building.
"What the hell are you laughing at, Judas?" he asks with a smile when I jump in the passenger seat. That's what he calls me now. I've learned not to rat Emmett out; he'll never let you forget it. I also won't tell him that's exactly what I'm laughing about.
"Nothing." We sit and he doesn't move.
"How was she this time?"
"Better... I think. I don't have a phone today." I shrug. It's a big step for us.
"Good. She seems to be getting stronger."
"She definitely is," I agree with a proud smile.
"It's sixty minutes, right?" I nod, and he gets out of the truck. I wonder what the hell he's doing. He opens my door and tells me to get out.
"What the hell, Emmett?"
"Today, Judas... today, is the day you learn to drive," he says with a wicked grin. I have no apprehension and grab his keys. I put the keys in the ignition, and Emmett's hand slaps mine away. I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Now, Edward, there are some basics you need to learn when it comes to operating a motor vehicle," he says in a snobby way. I pretend I'm listening to him, because I'm amused by his act.
"This," he points to the steering wheel, "this, Edward, is a steering wheel. Can you say that? Steer... ring wh... wh... eeel. Can you say that, Edward?"
"Fucker!" I say, punching his arm as hard as I can. I let him play his game a little longer. I'm not going to tell him Carlisle has been giving me lessons for weeks. I go to turn the key again, but he stops me.
"No, seriously. There are some things you need to know before you just drive off."
"Just let me show you what I know," I say rolling my eyes. I turn it on and smoothly pull out of the parking lot.
He looks at me with his mouth open. "I thought you'd never driven before?"
I laugh at his disappointed expression. "I hadn't... until your dad taught me," I smirked.
"Shit," he sighs, sitting back in his chair. Disappointment paints his face. I just laugh as I drive us to the store.
"So, when will get your license?"
"Uh, I'm not sure. I think I'm ready but..." I shrug.
I'd have to get a hold of my birth certificate or some form of identification, and that means calling the agency and facing things I don't want to face.
"So what's the deal?" he asks, as I push the little cart around the store trying to find all the shit on Bella's list.
She wants to make Alice a cake for her birthday. Esme was horrified when she learned about our shopping trip. Jessica was apparently not only a bitch to Alice, but she was a snitch, too, and ratted us out. Since then Esme insisted we do some shopping, as well. Basically, I'm a pro now.
"I didn't know I had a deal," I say, throwing brown sugar into the cart.
"You know what I mean. What's the plan?"
"Plan for?" He's so easy to fuck with.
"Fuck you, Judas. You know what I mean." He throws a box of gummy shit in the cart.
"I'm not paying for that," I say, pushing it to the other side of the cart.
We've been here over two months now, and I have a couple hundred left of the savings I brought from my job in Portland, just enough to get back to there. I finished the shed for Carlisle and the money from that has paid our rent, and will only last for two more weeks. I know that's what Emmett's asking me. What will I do next?
"The fuck you're not," he says, throwing it back onto my pile. I know he's joking around but situations like these make me feel like shit. I wish I could just pay the three bucks and have no awkwardness.
"Really though, what's your plan?" I sigh, not knowing how to answer him.
"I don't know."
"You're not going to take Bella away, are you?"
"You make me sound like a goddamned villain, Emmett," I say, laughing.
"Nah, we just don't want her to leave again." I nod to let him know I understand. "My little heart might break if you go, too," he says in a sickly southern accent.
"Well, we can't have that, can we?" I laugh.
I've thought of nothing but this for the past week. I know Bella wants to stay here, even though she hasn't said it.
"Have you even thought about staying here? I mean do you want to go back to Portland?"
"I'm not attached anywhere. The only thing in Portland is a steady job."
I've been in contact with Mike, and he insists my job isn't going anywhere. There's Jake, too. I need to figure out a way to check up on him.
"So... you have thought about staying here?"
"A little,why?" He's asked me a few other times but never this seriously.
"Well, you know Paul..." I nod. I had met him once when Emmett took us on a tour of his microbrewery.
"He's moving to California next month, and I need to replace him." I stop the cart and look at him.
"It's nothing much. Full time, cleaning the kegs, making the deliveries to the bars... You're getting your license, we have the company van." He shrugs.
"Uh... yeah. I mean, I learn pretty quickly," I stammer.
I've been trying to think of ways I could keep Bella here with her family, where she's happy, and come up blank every time. There aren't jobs readily available here and definitely not to someone who's new to town with a criminal record.
"Well, I can't afford to pay you both at the same time, but maybe we can work out something with Dad for your rent while Paul trains you?"
We both know Carlisle would rather us not pay rent at all, but I'm glad they're respecting my need to pull my own weight.
"Um, yeah. Definitely. I'll talk to Bella and let you know tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I won't have you start training for three weeks or so; it's not rocket science. You just need to get your license before you start."
"Uh... Thanks, Emmett," I say sincerely.
"Not a prob, Judas. You'll basically be my bitch," he says with a big grin as he walks down an aisle getting distracted by something shiny.
I shake my head, laughing, and make my way to the register, appreciating the surprising friendship I've found in Emmett.
I let Emmett drive back to Bella's therapy, because I'm feeling nervous. Today is the first day I'll have to go in there and talk to the doctor with Bella. I'm unsure how these things go and don't really like getting blindsided.
"Rose says we're coming over tomorrow for Alice's birthday so, I'll see you then."
"Ok, thanks again," I say as I shut the door. With my bag of stuff for Bella, I head towards the door.
Walking into the building, I have mixed feelings. Even being distracted by Emmett, I was worried about Bella. How was she? Was this session upsetting her? Did she need to call me and couldn't? These thoughts make me pick up my speed towards the elevators.
When I get to the waiting room, I don't know if I should just sit or knock on the door. I don't want to stay away from Bella anymore and choose to knock on the door.
"Edward," Dr. Carmen says softly as she sweeps her arm to invite me into the room. I look at Bella, and there's no evidence of her crying.
"Hey," I say, giving her a quick kiss.
"Hey."
"So, this is the fourth time now since you've been leaving, Edward. How does that feel for both of you?" I want Bella to speak first, because I don't want to influence her answer.
"Uh, it's still pretty scary, but today was a little easier knowing he was coming back."
"Do you worry he won't come back?"
"No, I never question if he'll leave... I don't know why having him here for the session made it easier, it just did."
"Fair enough. How about you, Edward? How has this week been?"
"I agree, today was a little easier."
"What have you been doing with your free time during our sessions?"
I don't want to tell either one of them what I have been doing, because it will make me look like an obsessed stalker.
"Well, today I went with Emmett, and we got some stuff Bella wanted."
"That's very nice of you. How about the other days?" I narrow my eyes, Bella's looking at me for an answer. Clearing my throat, I speak.
"Uh, I just waited downstairs. I... don't like to go very far." And I guard the door to see whose coming and going like an obsessed stalker - I leave that part out.
"It's amazing progress for both of you." Bella squeezes my hand and smiles.
"Oh Bella, I meant to ask you today how things are going with Charlie?"
"They're ok. He came for dinner last week. It's getting less awkward."
Things with Charlie were moving slowly. Since that day in the hospital he's stayed true to his word and has tried to get along with me. We aren't close; we don't spend time together, but it's not as hostile as it was in the beginning. It took a month for Bella to be comfortable with having him over, and it was one quiet meal. It's obvious the situation is awkward for both of them, but they're trying to get to know one another, slowly.
"Keep doing what you're doing. It's ok to take things slowly," Dr. Carmen reassures Bella. Then she turns to face both of us.
"Well, Edward, I'm not sure how much Bella shares with you about our sessions..."
"Everything... pretty much," Bella says shyly. "Not, this though." I look at her, and she's blushing bright red.
"Ok, that's alright. As I'm sure you've seen Bella is growing and becoming stronger every day. She's overcoming things most people can't."
It's my turn to squeeze her hand because, really, she's made incredible progress.
"How would you describe your relationship with Bella, Edward?" The question catches me off guard. I'm not one to expand on my feelings. Bella knows I love her, but I feel like an idiot trying to put it into words.
"Uh, she makes me happy. She's the only person who really knows me," I sum it up, feeling really stupid trying to explain this shit.
"And Bella, how about you?"
"Same... he makes me so happy. I feel safe when I'm with him. Uh... I know he loves me. He doesn't have to say it. I mean - he does say it... but even when he doesn't, just everything he does, I know it. He does everything for me. He'd do anything to make me happy, and he has." I hear her sniffle and realize she's starting to cry.
She stretches up and kisses me, surprising me with how emotional she's being. I feel my face heat from the words she's said. I'm glad she grasps just how much I care about her.
We spend the rest of the hour basically reviewing what Bella and Dr. Carmen have gone over in the past two months. It's more than I knew, and I can't believe how well Bella's reacting to therapy.
We go over the topic of how we could communicate better and focus on how staying with the Cullens has changed our relationship. She briefly goes over sex. She explains something I already know - Bella's terrified of it. We still haven't gone past light touches. I'm trying to be patient, but it's getting harder every day.
"Bella, sex can be a good thing." I can't even describe how red Bella's face is. "I know it's hard for you to believe, since you've never had a positive experience with intercourse, but it can be anything from fun, exciting, romantic, and emotional. When you love someone, sex is one way you can show it. It's a give and take between two people, and the passion is an incredible thing."
The way she speaks of sex makes me realize I've never had a healthy sexual experience. It's no surprise to me; it's just odd to hear it from someone. I also can't help feeling like this has been set up, so I'm getting therapy as well.
"Bella, how do you feel about sex?"
"Just the word makes me panic... takes me back to a place I never want to go."
"Edward, how do you feel about sex?"
"Uh... well I've never... you know..." I hedge, feeling so uncomfortable. Bella squirms next to me, but Dr. Carmen waits patiently for me to answer. "I've never had... that."
"What?" My God. She really wants me to say the words.
"What you described. I've never had an experience where it was something more than... physical, I guess." I feel Bella cringe a little beside me. I hate having to say these words in front of her. I regret being with anyone else.
"So, even though you two obviously have extremely different sexual histories, you are both new to it being more than something that is done to you... or something that's done just for physical gratification. You've never used sex as a way to express love."
We both shake our heads.
"Very understandable. What if I asked you how you felt about sex with Edward?" Just when I think I've seen her at her reddest, her face turns a darker shade.
"Um... I like the sound of it." Now, she has my attention. "I love what we've done so far. I just get... upset - embarrassed - when the panic sets in. I wish I could turn my brain off and just enjoy him."
"You'll get there, Bella. You obviously have a wonderful, patient man who loves you. You'll get there."
She congratulates us on our pace and encourages us to wait and to not force anything.
We finish up the session and make our appointments for next week. When we walk out and inhale fresh air, I welcome it. To say that was uncomfortable would be an understatement.
"Wanna walk?" I ask her as we emerge from the building.
"Sure," she says with a sweet smile.
The clinic Bella goes to for her therapy is on the edge of town. It's a little ways from the Cullen's, but the weather's nice and will give us time to talk. Depending on the day, we've gotten rides from whomever was available, but we really don't mind the walk - or the time alone.
I kept my promise to Bella the day she was in the hospital from her panic attack. We spent the entire next day outside. We packed a picnic, my first one ever, and walked to the stream near the Cullen's house. We talked, made out; it was even warm enough to start to teach Bella how to swim. It was an amazing day, and we've made sure to do that more often. We're learning how to live with the Cullen's but still keep us, us.
I don't know why I feel so nervous to tell Bella about Emmett's offer, but I am.
"So... it's been a little over two months now," I say not knowing how to start.
"I know, so much has changed."
"Are you happy?"
She looks at me with surprise. "You make me happy," she says sweetly, but that's not what I asked.
"You make me happy too, but are you happy?"
"Yes... I mean, I think so. I'm having a hard time... you know, dealing. Therapy... it's a good thing, but it's not easy."
"You're doing so great, though," I say as I stop walking to give her a kiss.
"What about here?" I ask, waving an arm around our surroundings.
We're in the middle of the forest that leads us back to the Cullen's house. The canopy of trees keeps the woods cool in the hot August weather. We don't like to walk down town, because everyone still bombards Bella with questions. Everyone's nice enough, but it's just overwhelming for her.
"What about it?" she asks somewhat confused.
I know I'm confusing the shit out of her, but I'm having a hard time just coming out and asking her what she wants. When I don't respond she starts to talk hesitantly.
"I mean... I love it here. My best memories are here... Alice, Emmett - I love Rose, even though we just met, it seems like I've known her forever. It's just hard... I don't want to be too attached, because I want to be ok when we leave, you know?"
"Do you want to leave?"
"I want to be where you are..." she says carefully. Bella and I have never had a hard time talking before, and this is ridiculous. I'm making this harder than it needs to be, so I just spit it out.
"There's nothing for me in Portland... I have no reason to move back there. If you want to stay... we'll stay." She whips around to face me, astonished.
"You mean it?"
I nod, my smile growing to match hers. I'm waiting for her to jump in my arms, but she doesn't.
"What is it?"
"I just... you've made so many sacrifices, Edward. Before I showed up that night you had your own life your own-"
"And it sucked, Bella. My life... sucked before you."
I don't think she grasps that every change has been for the better, even though some of the changes haven't been easy or fun; they've been for the better. I've been resistant and probably have made some things more difficult than they needed to be, but I can't imagine going back to the isolation I lived in before, especially now that I know what it's like to live without it.
A huge smile spreads across her face. "You want to stay, don't you?"
"I do."
Then she's in my arms. I spin her around, and she laughs. I trip over a damn log and almost bring us both to the ground, so I set her down.
I don't know how to explain how I feel, so I just leave it there. I was so resistant when we first came to Forks; there were many times when I wanted to do nothing more than grab Bella and flee back to Portland. Many times when I wanted to land a punch on Emmett's face, but at some point those things started to change. I didn't think I ever wanted a family... that I ever wanted to be a part of anything, but without me even realizing it, it's happened.
"I can't believe this... I can't believe we're staying!"
She's bouncing around like a little kid on Christmas morning, and I can't control myself. I sprint towards her and pin her against a tree. Wrapping my hands in her hair I lean in and kiss her. Her hands fly and attach around my neck, and we make out against the tree like horny teenagers.
"Emmett offered me a job," I say, pulling back from her a little.
"No way."
I laugh at her. It's so nice to see her let go, to act her age, to be happy.
"Yes way," I say, tickling her.
"No, it's just that Alice has to have Seth in daycare that he hates. She's been begging me to nanny for her... so we can stay. I was scared to tell you." We both laugh, because obviously, we made this harder on ourselves than it needed to be.
"Well, I have to get my license to work for Emmett. My birth certificate is back in Oregon... I also want to check on Jake."
"So, we need to go back then." There's a little bit of hesitancy in her voice.
I know she's scared of the same thing I am, that this will set her back. This trip could bring back memories. I want to tell her to stay with the Cullens, that I'll make a quick trip and come right back, but I know it would be a waste of words, because neither of us will leave the other. I just nod.
"Ok, we'll go," she says with a sweet smile.
Taking her hand, we continue our way back the Cullen's. The more I think about the trip, the more I don't want her to go. I think about Roy, James and their group. I think about the night Jake let Sam out in the hotel room. I think about having to go back to Bend and face things I don't want to. I think about Bella being with me back in Portland and how much danger that would put her in. My chest starts to tighten with anxiety. I squeeze her hand tighter but I'm trying to figure out a way to tell Bella that I don't want her to come with me after all.
WAIT!
Before you freak out... the entire story is planned just wait and see what happens LOL
Thank you all so much for the support and love! If you want to chat you can find me on twitter kdc2239
I'll be working up until Christmas, out of town for the New Year, then sadly, school starts. I will try and have a chapter up as soon as I can.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or just... Happy Monday! Whatever you celebrate, I hope you have an awesome, safe time!
Reviews are better than presents... but maybe not better than Edward delivering them. Hmm... ;)