Hey everybody!
Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews last chapter. Every single one made me smile. Most of you had very strong opinions on if Bella should stay or go. It surprised me how many people want Edward to leave Bella behind. Anyway, I've had this planned from the start, so I hope everyone will be happy.
HUGE thanks to Whatobsession, Kimcarr and Jessypt. They are all so awesome!
Read on :)
WARNING!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate
-Damien Rice
EPOV
When I walk into the room I see a suitcase on the bed. Bella's back is to me, but I can see her folding my shirt and setting it into the case.
"Esme let me borrow her suitecase. You want to leave tomorrow, right?" she asks, her back still to me.
When I don't answer, she turns to face me. She wears a large smile, still on a high from our walk home and our decision to stay here. I give her the best smile I can and sit across from her on the bed.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I say.
She looks at me warily but continues to pack. I don't know how to start the conversation, and I find myself getting frustrated.
"Can you... stop that?" I ask, sounding a little irritated. She lays the shirt to the side and looks at me expectantly with one brow raised.
"What is it? Are you nervous about our trip?" Her hand lightly rubs my thigh.
"No. Well, yes... I mean, not for me..." I stop and take a deep breath.
"Look, I don't think you should come."
Her hand abruptly stops and disappears from my leg. I instantly realize I should've said it a different way and get angry at myself.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not safe. There's too much that can go wrong; I don't want to take that chance. I want to you stay here, with the Cullens, where they can watch you; where you have more of a chance of staying safe."
"I'm safe with you."
I sigh loudly, because I don't know what to say to that. I've always told her that she's safest with me - and she is.
"Yes, you are, but this is different. I need to go down there, check on Jake, get my papers... and... I'd like to see where my mom's buried, if I'm already going to be there. Close that chapter of my life for good."
Her eyes soften when I say this, because she didn't know I was going to see my mom. I had only recently decided to do this myself. I don't even know where my mom is. I was taken right away, and I was never able to find out where she was buried. I thought it would be disrespectful to be back home and ignore her - if she knew, it would hurt her. Fuck, I don't know what I think of it. I just know it doesn't feel right to go all the way back and not try to find out where my mom is.
"There's going to be a lot going on, and I won't be able to protect you like I usually do."
"That's fine. I don't need you to protect me," she says with defiance.
I roll my eyes and lean back on the bed. We both know this isn't true, but she's trying to grow, and I don't want to make her feel bad.
"Besides, I want to be there for you - when you see her, I want to be there for you. Like you were for me." Her voice becomes softer, almost a whisper.
"I'm not like you, Bella. I don't need that," I say with a shrug. It's a lie. I want nothing more than for her to be there with me. I'm just not sure how it will feel - how I will feel.
Her face is full of hurt. She tries to speak but her voice cracks. She takes a deep breath and tries again.
"You don't want me to be with you?"
"No, that's not it," I say softly. This was never about hurting her. "Of course I want you with me; it's just not safe. Look, I'm just going to run down and back, that's it. It's safer for you here."
"So that's it? You've just decided for me?"
I've seen her look this hurt before, but I had never been the one to cause it. She's not trying to see it from my side though, and it's making me angry.
"Well, yeah. I guess if that's how you want to put it, I did," I reply coolly.
"How else would I put it?" Her tone is low and angry, and she stands up off the bed. I can tell she's trying to keep her temper but is losing the battle.
"You make it sound like I'm trying to be a dick! It's not safe, and I'm putting your safety first. If you weren't so damn emotional you'd see that." I stand on the other side of the bed. We've gone from a calm talk to a fight so quickly.
"Emotional?"
"Yeah, emotional. Instead of appreciating me thinking of you, you're freaking out."
A look of disbelief flashes across her face. We stare at each other; I'm not even sure for how long. Her arms are crossed, and her hip juts out. The longer we stand the redder her face gets - she's pissed. I stare her down, with my hands on my hips, unwilling to concede. When a tear leaks out of her eye and rolls down her cheek, she walks completely around the bed, to avoid contact with me, and slams the door when she shuts it.
So this is what a first fight feels like - shit.
With a sigh I sit on the bed. Tugging at my hair, anger flows through me. Why can't she just listen and understand? I stand up ready to find her and finish where we left off, when the suitcase on the bed catches me eye. It's filled with the very few belonging we have - both of our belongings. She was excited for our time alone, for this little trip.
Deflated, I sit back on the bed. I was being dick, and I feel like a dick. I try to think about how I would react if she decided she was going to leave - without me - giving me no choice. I'd be pissed. Just like she is. I still don't think she should go, but I know I could've handled that much better. I'm still pissed though. Pissed she wouldn't listen, pissed she thought the worst of me, and pissed she walked out on me.
I turn on some music and take ten minutes to cool down. Bella and I still need to talk. I don't want to leave with us fighting - I won't. I know we'll have our fights and things won't be perfect, but I don't like this. I don't like being mad at her, and I really don't like her being mad at me.
Leaving the room I'm determined to make things right. Walking down the hall I don't hear a sound. I look in the kitchen and the living room but she's nowhere to be found. The familiar feeling of panic grips me when I check every bathroom and every bedroom but she's still nowhere to be found.
"Bella!" I start calling her name as I re-search the house.
"Bella! Isabella!" If she wandered off and something happened to her because she was pissed at me, I'd never forgive myself.
I go to the front door planning on looking in the woods for her, when I see Alice's car. I run up to it and touch the hood - it's still warm. Jogging around to the back a breath of relief escapes me. A little ways from the porch I see Bella and Alice sitting on a bench in Esme's garden. Seth runs around them showing no signs of tiring.
I keep my distance but watch the two interact. I can tell Bella's crying, and it makes the residual anger I feel melt away. Alice leans over and pulls her into a hug. When Seth notices Bella's tears, he quickly crawls up on the bench next to her and pats her back as if he were their equal. This breaks the tension causing both girls to laugh. Walking back into the kitchen I grab a beer and sit on the couch. I want to give her privacy and am glad she has a friend to talk to.
I really want to talk to Bella, work this out, but I don't want to interrupt her talk with Alice. After a while I get lost in my thoughts and in my beer. I'm trying to figure out a solution we can both be happy with but am coming up short. I hear the back door opening and look over hoping to see Bella come in. Instead, a bouncing Seth comes plowing into the living room.
"Hi, Edward," he beams brightly.
"Hey, buddy," I say, setting my beer down. He runs by me, around the corner, then comes back and stares at me.
He continues to stand in front of me bouncing from foot to foot, and then he reaches down and starts grabbing himself. I look around wishing that Alice would come in. I see no sign of her.
"Uh... you ok there?" He nods. There's an awkward silence, and Seth continues to bounce and grab.
"Do you want me to get your mom?" He shakes his head.
"Do you want to sit down?" He shakes his head. I'm really at a loss.
"I need to go potty," he states.
"Well... what are you waiting for?" I ask totally confused.
"My zipper's stuck," he says, thrusting his pelvis at me. I jump back against the couch. Well, shit. I'm not going anywhere near that territory.
"Uh... uh, shi- shoot," I catch myself, but his eyes still widen.
"You stay here. Don't pee. I'm going to get your mom," I say, already running out the door.
I jog down the grass and both girls turn to me. Bella quickly turns away and looks down and Alice gives me a look I don't have time to figure out. When she sees the look of panic on my face she stands.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Seth-"
"What do you mean? Panic is all over her face. Her eyes go wide as she jumps off the bench. "What happened?"
"Shit, calm down. He needs to pee and his zipper's stuck."
She looks at me like I'm a complete idiot.
"You couldn't get it unstuck?"
"I'm... I can't... it's his..." I motion to the general area of my crotch. "I didn't want to - no."
Alice rolls her eyes and starts jogging towards the house. I stand behind Bella in complete silence. She won't even look at me, and I can't stand it. I walk around to the front of the bench and sit next to her. She still doesn't look at me but she speaks.
"It doesn't make you a child molester if you help the kid with his pants, you know." Sarcasm drips from her words.
"I know. It just... I dunno, he's not my kid. I thought he'd be more comfortable with his mom helping him."
I'm more comfortable with his mom helping him.
Painful silence falls over us again. Slowly, like when we first sat on the bench by the waterfront I reach over and touch her face. This time she doesn't flinch and pull away from me like she did then. I move a strand of hair from her face, then run my hand down her neck, down her side and grab her hand that sits on her lap.
"You still made at me?" I ask quietly. She shakes her head and bits her lip. She's trying not to cry.
"I'm hurt, Edward." I nod but don't know what to say. I'm not sure what I did to hurt her. Piss her off, sure, but not hurt her.
"For years now, I haven't been able to make a decision. None." She finally looks at me but now that she is, I wish she wasn't. There's so much hurt swirling in the tears in her eyes.
"Decisions were made for me. My free will - my life, was taken from me. We've been through so much together, and when the first big decision comes our way and it's time for us to face it, together, you go ahead and make it for me. My input wasn't asked for, my opinion wasn't considered. I didn't think you'd do that to me, and it hurts."
That wasn't my intention, but it is exactly what I did.
"You're right. I'm sorry." She looks surprised at my quick admission. I'm sure she's not used to the person being a dick apologizing. "But that's where I'm different, Bella. If you just explain to me how... how you're feeling, I'll try to fix it. You have to give me the chance though, you can't just run away from me."
"I know. I'm sorry. I was just so angry and so hurt. I wanted to leave before I said anything I'd regret. I don't like fighting with you," she says, squeezing my hand and a tear out of her eye.
"I don't like fighting with you either; I hate it." I lean in and kiss her slowly. I'm glad we've made up but the problem still isn't resolved.
"So, what are we going to do about this?" she asks softly. I was hoping she was just making a point about me making decisions. I still don't think she should go.
"Bella, I honestly don't think it's safe for you to come." Her jaw clenches, but she hides all other signs of her anger.
"You're being ridiculous. It's not safe anywhere. He could show up anywhere, Edward. If he does, I want to be with you." The desperation in her voice is breaking me.
"What if Emmett or Carlisle comes?"
"No. They don't have the time to just stop work to come down. Carlisle already said he'd drive us to the ferry and back."
I wasn't sure just how long all this would take but I was expecting five to seven days. I couldn't ask them to just drop everything to shuttle us around. Portland's a good seven hour trip with the ferry ride and Bend is three more.
"Alice said you could order your birth certificate online. Why not just do that?"
"Because, it takes a lot of time to do that. Emmett wants me to start in three weeks and it will take at least eight just to get the certificate; then I still have to test after that, Bella. The agency has my social security card too, and whatever else they have of mine that I never went and got after I turned eighteen. Besides, it really is important to me to check on Jake, to see my mom."
She should understand more than anyone how important it is.
"I know. I know it is... I'm sorry I suggested otherwise," she says with a kiss on my cheek.
"Can't you just trust my judgment on this?" I ask softly. She sits and thinks a second before she answers.
"It's not that I don't trust your judgment. I just know we should be together. Think about it, Edward. When anything goes wrong it's always when we're apart. We need to stay together."
"Bella, don't you remember those guys I fought under the bridge? The ones we almost didn't get away from?"
She shudders remembering. I just get pissed. Roy and his ass buddies. I remember the way the creepy guy James stared at her while she slept, and she doesn't even know about that night.
"They don't forget that shit, Bella. If for some reason I run into them, I don't want you there."
"Well, I don't want you alone. For us both to be happy with this choice Edward, we have to compromise. If you go alone I'll be worried sick the entire time, and you'll worry about me." She's speaking faster and faster, her panic working up.
"Shhh," I say, pulling her against my chest.
She's right. I'll be preoccupied thinking of her the entire time, and to be honest, if something went wrong while I was gone - I didn't even want to think about it. At least if she was with me I could control the situation more.
"Ok."
"Ok?" she asks, looking hopefully up at me.
"Yeah, but in Portland you're staying in the hotel. If I can't find Jake, and have to look for him, you're not coming."
Reluctantly she nods, but I know it's not the last I'll hear of this. I won't back down on that though. I'm not taking her through the streets again when I have an option not to.
"Let's go pack and then we need to talk to Carlisle and Esme when they get home."
She nods and we both head back to the house. When we get back Alice's car is gone but there's a note on the table Bella reads.
"We decided to let you guys talk. Have a great trip! Be safe! Love Alice & Seth"
"Have a great trip? How did she know you were going?"
Bella blushes a little at my comment.
"Well, I guess I just made it clear I wasn't going to let you go without me."
Even though her stubbornness drives me nuts at times I'm really glad to see her progress. Even a couple weeks ago she never would've been strong enough to stand up to me.
I laugh and tickle her before we make our way upstairs. Our stuff only fills half the suitcase and Bella packs quarters for laundry just in case, knowing the clothing will only last a couple days.
"Now that I have a steady job, once we save, we can get our own place. Get you some new clothes, start over."
Bella grins and nods. "I can't wait. I get so excited to think about having our own little place, having our own life. I'm going to start babysitting for Alice too, when we get back. How long do you think it will take to get our own place?"
I've never talked like this before because there was no point. My life felt like a constant dead end - never ending, never changing. Now, it's all different. I have Bella, and I have as close to a family as I'll ever get.
"I'm not sure. After this trip we'll be completely out of money so probably a couple months to save. That's what we need to talk to Carlisle and Esme about. I don't want to just assume they want us to stay."
I know they will want us to stay, but I feel it's only right to ask. Bella's like a daughter to them, someone they were going to take in originally. I wasn't part of that package, and I'll understand if they don't want both of us.
"They'll want us to stay, but I agree we should work out a plan with them. Make a time line." I'm folding a shirt when she jumps on top of me screeching. "I'm just so excited, Edward. Things are finally working out, aren't they?"
"They are," I say, lifting her up, wrapping her legs around me. We need to pack to leave by tomorrow, but I push the suitcase aside to make room for us to lie on the bed. This seems more important at the moment.
~*E&B*~
"It's ok, Edward. It doesn't mean you're weak because you let someone help you."
I stare at the objects in his hands, knowing it's safest and smartest for me to take them.
"Thanks," I say, slipping the two phones into my pocket.
"It's really nothing. The phones themselves are free and it's only twenty dollars a month to add you guys on."
"I'll pay it," I promise.
Carlisle lets out a big sigh. "I know you will."
He's given up trying to convince me to let him just take care of things.
Someone knocks on the door, and Carlisle goes to answer it. I lean back into the couch and pull out the phones. I have no idea how to use them but notice Carlisle already programmed everyone's numbers in them. After playing with it for a while, I get the hang of it. They seem pretty straightforward to use.
"Pizza!" Carlisle shouts summoning us all to dinner. Bella comes bouncing down the stairs with Esme behind her. We all sit at the table and dig in.
"Thanks for dinner," I say between bites.
"Yeah, thanks," Bella adds.
"No problem. It sounded good tonight."
We both nod in agreement, too busy eating to reply. I laugh when I see sauce around Carlisle's mouth and Esme and Bella eating with forks. I'll never understand.
It still feels awkward to sit at dinner with a family, but I'm getting more used to it. I don't know if it will ever feel totally normal.
"So you guys are heading out tomorrow?" Esme asks.
"We'd like to. I was hoping that maybe... uh, well, I heard you could check the train schedule online. I was just wondering if you could help me do that?"
"Sure," she says brightly. "After dinner we can do that."
It's still hard for me to ask for help, but I'm just not good with the internet, never using it before, and I know she could show me a lot faster.
"I'm doing the early morning shift tomorrow but I can drive you guys to the ferry around three. Does that work?" Carlisle asks.
"Yes, thanks so much for driving us," Bella says, smiling.
"No problem. I think Esme and I will make a date out of it. Have dinner in Port Angeles or something."
"Really? That sounds nice," Esme says, surprised.
"We're just sorry we can't get away to take the trip with you guys," she says sadly.
"It's ok. We understand," I say. I don't want them to feel responsible for us.
"So what's the plan when you guys get back?"
"We wanted to talk to you about that, actually," Bella says quietly.
"Edward's going to start working with Emmett really soon." They nod; we told them this earlier when they got home, and Carlisle offered to help me get my license.
"Then I'll be helping Alice. So we were wondering if we could keep this... arrangement until we have enough money saved for our own place?"
"Of course, you two can stay as long as you want. You know we don't mind, and you really don't need to pay rent. We wish you wouldn't," Esme explains.
"No. We appreciate everything, but it wouldn't be right," I insist. It's not like we pay all that much anyway.
"Well, here's the thing. Bella's been doing laundry and you've been doing yard work. Having you two has made me almost useless! So I'm docking all that from your rent." I try and argue, but she won't take no for an answer, so I just smile and nod, grateful for the Cullens' generosity.
"Thank you. It shouldn't be more than a couple months. You're sure you guys don't mind?"
They both reply they don't mind at all and insist they've loved having us here.
We finish dinner, and Bella and I do the dishes. Esme helps me on the computer, and I make a schedule for us to get to Portland and Bend. She and Carlisle have points from their credit cards that make our hotel stays free. She arranged it without me knowing and just hands me the itinerary.
"It doesn't cost us a thing, and we'll never use it. The only time we go anywhere is for Carlisle's job, and they pay for the hotel then."
"Thank you so much," I say, giving her an awkward hug. I know it means a lot to her, so I try to get over my awkwardness.
Bella and I go to our bedroom shortly after I set the train and hotel up.
"Well, we're going to get to Portland late, so we can just check into our hotel," I say, handing the papers to Bella.
"Oh my gosh. This hotel is beautiful," Bella says, flipping through the pages.
"I know. I can't believe they gave that to us."
"I can; that's just how they are," Bella says, leaning over me to see what I'm writing down.
"So you think a few days in Portland?"
"Well, we have the hotel for that long so..." I shrug. "Then, we'll go to Bend. I can... If you want, it's not much... but if you want, I can show you where I grew up."
It's a hard thing for me to offer. It means taking down all my walls and showing Bella everything. That includes my shitty past.
"If you want to show me, I'd love to see it," she says softly, kissing me on my cheek. Her fingers softly rub through my hair and and down the side of my face.
She's the first person I've ever wanted to know the real me, and my past is a part of that.
I don't sleep much that night, worries of the trip the next day running through my mind. I just want to go and get back so we can start our new life together.
Portland is next! I'm getting right on the next chapter. It will be out as soon as possible. Thanks for everyone's patients.
I wrote a new one shot called Watching the Water Gather. It's not very long and on my profile, if you want to check it out!
Love to hear what you think!