Hey guys! Long time no see, right? Sorry, life has been horrible about keeping me from doing the things I love.
Huge thanks to Whatobsession17 and Jessypt! They got this thing edited in one day. They are too awesome to me.
The reviews from last chapter were so sweet and encouraging. Thanks to everyone that takes the time to give me their thoughts, it means so much!
Anyhoo, I've recently been able to cut my hours down at work, so I hope to update on a more regular schedule. The entire story is planned out and discussed... I just need to get it written down.
WARNING!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
*Citrus of the adult variety is below*
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, you are, the only exception
-Paramore
"Edward! Edward, oh my god! Look!"
I rush over to her side of the railing and look over and see a sea lion swimming next to the ferry.
"Look at him! He's so cute!" Bella's eyes are as wide as her smile as she leans over the side of the ferry.
I wrap an arm around her waist to keep her on the boat. I could just see her tumbling into the water. She takes my touch purely as affection and turns to kiss me on the lips. We stand kissing for a while until the breeze blows her hair in our way.
"What was that for?" I ask, holding her closer. She rarely initiates our physical contact.
She shrugs her shoulders. "Do I need a reason?"
"No. I guess you don't," I say leaning over her, kissing her again.
A shudder rips through her; even though the sun is out and it's a nice day, the breeze makes everything colder.
"Do you want to go inside?"
"Maybe in a few minutes; it's so nice out here."
I stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist trying to keep her warm. She's right; it's really nice.
"Do you think we'll see a whale?"
"I doubt it, but who knows. I would think they would avoid the boats."
"I hope not. I'd love to see one."
Things are much different on this ferry ride. When we came to Forks two months ago, she didn't want to be outside. She didn't want to let go of my hand and she barely spoke. Her main worry the first time was being kidnapped; this time it's whether or not shell see a whale. Bella is coming out of her shell and the evidence is in every experience.
~*E&B*~
The train's delayed. It's dark by the time the giant machine comes rolling into the station. We find our spots quickly and plop down in our seats. Bella falls asleep almost as soon as we sit in our chairs. Her body is slouched against mine, her head on my shoulder and my head resting on hers. I'm tired and want nothing more than to close my eyes and fall asleep with her, but I don't.
I know better; even though I rest, I'm more than aware of everything going on around us. I've let my guard down somewhat living with the Cullens, but I have to get myself back into my old mind frame completely. I can't afford to be careless and let something happen.
At least an hour passes, and the train continues to travel through the night. The gentle rocking and heat from Bella's body is making it hard for me to keep my eyes open. As gently as I can, I move Bella to the side, so I can reach the water in our bag. She stirs, stretching her arms over her head.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up." I kiss her on the head before I lean back into my seat.
I take a long drink from the bottle and hand it to her.
"It's ok. How long have I been sleeping?" she asks, bringing the bottle to her lips.
"Just an hour or so."
She nods and cuddles back into my side.
"You still worried about this trip?" she asks softly into my shirt.
"Nah, we'll be fine," I say, tightening my grip on her.
It's a lie. I'm more worried than I have been in months. I don't want her to be scared, though.
No one knows we're coming, and I've been gone long enough that Roy and his gang should have stopped looking for me by now. We're not staying anywhere they would expect, so we should be able to fly under the radar. I hope.
"How much longer do we have?" she asks, sitting up a little.
"At least a couple of hours. Hungry?"
She nods, and I grab some snacks we packed when we left. I expect to find some crackers but pull out an entire meal.
"Esme," Bella says shaking her head. Her smile gives her away, though. Not so secretly, we both love Esme's mothering side.
We waste no time and dig in to our meal of sandwiches, fruit and veggies. There's even a note at the bottom of the bag wishing us a safe trip.
Bella stays awake for the rest of the trip, and we spend at least two hours going over more Italian phrases. Bella's impressed when I remember most of what she's taught me. By the time we pull into the Portland station I can ask her questions in full sentences and respond to what she's asking me.
"You're doing so great! We can even have conversations now."
I look at her with a raised eyebrow because, really, I'm not that good.
"What? We can. Simple one's anyway."
She shrugs, taking my hand as we walk off the train and into the cold Portland night.
I can feel the apprehension rolling off her, and even though I try to hide mine, I know she can feel it. Coming back to the place where everything started isn't easy for either of us.
Walking toward our hotel we pass many places that are not so distant memories in our pasts. The same awkward moment happens as we walk past each part of downtown - do we say something, acknowledge what our life was, or just move past quickly giving the memories no attention? Bella decides before I do.
"Is this hard for you?"
I shrug, because I thought this would be hard for her; I wasn't thinking about me.
"You?"
"Surprisingly, no. It's what brought me to you. The memories... they aren't all good, but it doesn't matter anymore; not with how things turned out."
Her words shock me. I assumed those days were some of the worst for her, and all I can do is squeeze her hand and lean over to kiss her forehead.
"I've never thought about it that way. I'm glad they're not all horrible memories for you."
"They are for you?" she asks quietly, trying her hardest to hide the hurt in her voice, as we continue down the dark streets.
"No, I feel the same as you it's just... just, I dunno. It's the highest and lowest point for me." I'm not used to being so honest or talking so deeply about my feelings. The darkness of the night helps shadow my insecurities, letting me continue.
"I met you, and I wouldn't change anything about my past if it meant not having you."
I've admitted this to myself but not out loud. I feel like I'm stomping on my families' graves by letting the words out of my mouth, but I couldn't imagine not having her now that I do.
"But it was the lowest because... it's my job to take care of you. To make sure you're safe, happy... I wasn't able to do that for you. The alley, the benches, Mac's... they're all reminders of how horribly you lived, because I couldn't do better for you."
She doesn't respond as we continue on our path. Assuming she's agreed with what I've said I hang my head down a bit, wishing I would have kept my mouth shut. Out of nowhere Bella stops walking, jerking back the hand she's holding.
"You've got to stop that," she says sternly, but not angrily. She looks at the ground and is having a hard time meeting my eyes.
"What?"
"Blaming yourself. Seriously, Edward, I showed up out of nowhere. Can you not see that you saved me? All you see is the bad, and it has to stop. From the second I saw you... you stopped those two from... hurting me; you shared your space with me -"
I scoff when she says my space. My street? Is that what she means? Now, I'm the one looking at the ground.
"No, stop." Her hand touches under my chin making our eyes meet. "It's all you had, and you offered it to me. You are a good man, Edward. You love me like no one ever has, and I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of. I would never let, and have never let, anyone say anything bad about you. You're the only one I let do that, and it has to stop. I love you because of who you are. Open your eyes." Her hand gently caresses my cheek as she places a soft kiss on my lips.
That's that. She says what she needs to say and continues to walk. I know how hard that was for her to do, and for a second I don't recognize the strong woman walking ahead of me. With a tighter grip on our bag, I scramble behind. Her words leave me speechless. Walking up silently next to her, I grab her hand and squeeze it. She looks up at me, smiles and lays her head on my shoulder. Her actions tell me all is forgotten, and we're ok. Nothing needs to be said. My actions tell her. I get it now. I'll try harder, and I'm sorry.
~*E&B*~
With each passing block, I look around every building, waiting, assuming someone will jump out at us. All the instincts that were second nature to me come flying back. I can see that Bella is wary as well. She stays closely tucked under my arm and doesn't try to make any conversation. Whenever I look down at her, I see her eyes darting around in the darkness. I get a knot in my stomach. She's seemed so at ease at the Cullen's house and out here is a harsh reminder of our old reality and recent sense of false security. Despite our worry, we make it to the hotel without incident. We walk into the lobby, and you can hear the gasp that escapes from both of us. The setting is warm, and the lights are dim. A theme of bamboo and water runs throughout the lobby. Bella looks at me with wide eyes, and together walk up to the front desk.
A wave of insecurity speeds through my veins. This isn't my world, and it's one I've never been welcomed into. Once, in my not so distant past, the cops would have been called if had just been sitting out front. A change of shirt and a reservation and -
"Good evening. How can I help you?"
- I become human. A realization comes, and it's not a good one. I realize now more than ever that, in the eyes of society, the clothes do make the man.
"Uh, yeah... We have a reservation under Masen."
"Wonderful," she smiles broadly. She gets busy typing on her computer, adjusts her glasses, and then looks back up to us.
"Mr. and Mrs. Masen, here is your room information." She slides a piece of paper across the counter saying we're in room 322. "Shall I call someone to take your bags up?"
I don't correct her on calling Bella Mrs. Masen, because I like it, and I look down at our lonely bag. "No, I think I can handle it."
"Ok then. Have a lovely night." With a big fake smile in return, we head toward the elevators.
"We need to do something really, really nice for Carlisle and Esme," Bella says looking around her in awe.
"Yeah, we should," I agree.
I know this isn't the nicest hotel in Portland, and I know we'll be in the lowest grade room having it be complimentary from card points, but I don't care. It's the nicest place I've ever stayed in.
When we walk into our room we both stand in the doorway for a second taking it in. A large bed dominates the center of the room, and a flat screen television is mounted to the wall across from it. The room is filled with cream and soft browns. The first thing Bella does is flop back on the bed. I walk over to the window and recognize the view right away. Directly below the window is the bench Bella and I used to sit at day after day. Sitting in the sun, sitting in the rain, where I sat having no idea what to do and where Bella sat and cried. I watch the water, the lights of the city reflecting off the gentle waves. My emotions are so mixed looking at the damn bench, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Bella's voice breaks me out of my thoughts.
"Oh my god, Edward, you have to feel this bed."
Dropping our bag to the floor I don't hesitate to jump on the bed making Bella scream out and laugh.
"You tired?" I ask.
She nods as she smells the sheets.
"What are you doing?" I ask, laughing.
"Don't laugh at me," she says, smiling. "They smell really good."
I indulge her and take a sniff at the sheets.
"See! They smell good, don't they?"
"You don't lie," I say, taking a dramatic sniff and make her laugh.
"I'm gonna jump in the shower, ok?" I say, as I push myself off the bed and begin pulling my toiletries out of the bag.
"Ok, I'll just watch T.V. or something." There's a smile on her face, but the tone of her voice sounds off.
I lean over the bed and kiss her. I intend for it to be a peck, but she deepens the kiss by sitting up and wrapping her arms around my neck. I drop my bag to the floor and sit on the edge of the bed. When I wrap my arms around her waist, she presses her chest against mine and moans. The longer we kiss the more eager she gets, and the more worked up I become. When her leg slips across mine I know that if I don't stop I'll accidentally push her too far. Reluctantly, I pull back a little and lean in for one more soft kiss before making my way to the bathroom. I look back at her, but she isn't looking at me; instead her eyes are trained on her lap. I assume she's tired from the long trip.
Paranoid, on the way to the bathroom I make sure the hotel room door is dead-bolted before I start my shower. The bathroom is huge, and the lights are bright. I squint my eyes, flipping off the many switches on the wall. When I finally make the lighting comfortable, I strip my clothes off and throw them on the floor. The shower has heads on two sides of the walls. Again, there's so many damn buttons I just start messing with them until the water starts flowing.
Standing under the spray I let my muscles release the tension from the trip. I think about tomorrow and how I'll find Jake. With that all the tension comes right back. This town doesn't hold a lot of fond memories for me, and I'm not looking forward to fishing through the shelter looking for him. Not to mention, I have no idea what kind of mental condition he'll be in. I make a list of all the places I need to look for him. We're here for a couple days, and I hope I won't have too much trouble finding him. When I turn the water off I feel clean but not relaxed like I'd hoped I would.
I can hear the voices from the T.V. in the next room but when I come out, I see it doesn't have an audience. Bella's dead to the world fast asleep, in her clothes, on top of the blankets. I stand for a minute and just watch her sleep. The light from the T.V. flashes across her skin, illuminating it in the dark room. Her chest rises and falls softly, her mouth hangs open slightly with her eyes softly shut. She looks so young like this - like what I would think she would have looked like as a child. Times like these I can't believe what's happened to her. I've been angry about what was done to her for so long, but sadness has filled where the anger once resided. I hate what she struggles with and it hurts when I can't do anything to help her. I move my eyes from her head down to her feet. When my eyes scan lower on her body, the holes in her jeans and shoes scream out at me. I can't wait to get back and start working for Emmett.
Tightening the towel around my waist I sit on the side of the bed and carefully remove each of her worn shoes. When I manage to take them off successfully without waking her up, I decide to try and get her out of her coat and jeans and under the blankets. I start with her jeans. I try to unbutton them only to find there isn't one. The button is missing and a safety pin is in its place. I sigh and shake my head undoing the pin. Things are getting better, but this little pin is another reminder of everything she doesn't have - and everything she should have.
When I start to tug the tight material down her legs she mumbles something in Italian making me laugh.
"Bella," I say softly by her ear. "Lift your hips for me." She doesn't respond, but her hips rise minutely off the bed, enough for me to get my hands underneath her and to tug them over her hips. I realize this is a lot harder than I thought it would be but forge ahead wanting her to be comfortable while she sleeps. When I start to tug on the sleeve of her coat her eyes flutter open.
"Hi," I say softly with one hand keeping my towel closed and the other pulling on her jacket.
She sits up a little and looks down at her bare legs. Looking at me in my towel she raises an eye brow.
"I was trying to help," I say feeling my cheeks turn red, hoping the darkness will hide it.
"I see that," she laughs, sleep still thick in her voice. "Thank you," she says softly. Her hand rises up and brushes against my cheek, and I can't help but lean into it. Sitting on the edge of the bed, me in a towel, Bella in her underwear - I can't help but want more. The physical evidence of that want is now showing, raising the towel off my legs and catching Bella's attention.
"Sorry." I quickly move my hand over myself trying to hide so I don't make her uncomfortable.
To my shock Bella's hand covers my own, and because of the placement, over my erection as well.
"No. why are you sorry?"
"I'm... I dunno, I just don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't ever want you to think I'm pushing..." I wave my hand towards where our hands rest, "this on you. I don't want you to feel pressured." She looks at me, and I can see the wheels in her head spinning.
I'm not sure if she's upset with me for undressing her, so I look down and quietly add, "I thought you were asleep."
"It's fine, Edward," she says quietly. I can hear nervousness in her voice, and the expression on her face matches. Slowly, she pulls her hand away from the now soft area beneath the towel. I suppress a groan already missing the heat from her hand.
"Edward," I look over at her. She's pulled a blanket over her bare legs but removed her coat. She's not looking me in the eye, and it makes me nervous to hear what she's about to say. She doesn't go on right away, and even though I know it sometimes takes her a bit to get things out, I can't help but push her.
"What is it?" I ask. I place my hand on her thigh through the blanket. When her hand covers mine I breathe a sigh of relief. She can be so hard to read sometimes.
"It's just... don't you want more?" She looks at me through her lashes and plays with my hand waiting for an answer.
"What do you mean, 'want more'?" I ask.
Her face almost instantly blushes as she grips my hand.
"From me... more... more between us - physically."
I take a second a think about what I say before I spit something stupid out, like I have in the not too distant past.
"Well, yeah. I would love more, because I love you." Her eyes that were occupied tracing the veins on my hand shoot up to meet my own. I twist my body so I'm fully facing her.
"Is that why you stopped earlier? Because you thought you were pushing me?"
"I was afraid I would push you if we kept going," I clarify.
"No, you wouldn't. I don't worry about that, Edward. I know you wouldn't."
"I'm a guy, Bella, if I had my way we'd be doing it every free second." I'm joking, but not, at the same time.
She laughs, and I'm glad what I've said hasn't upset her.
"But, I don't want more if you're not ready. I don't want to do something that will upset you. Ever." I'm about to tell her I'll wait as long as I need to when she interrupts me.
"But what if I want more," her voice is so quiet I barely hear her.
"You want more?" There's hope in my voice I try to keep out but fail.
"I... I may, I mean yes, I do want more. I don't want you to censor yourself around me, Edward. I don't know if I can go... you know, all the way just yet - but I want to show you I love you. I want... you know, what Carmen was talking about. Showing love by... being with you. I've never had that."
I haven't either, but instead of saying that out loud I nod, absorbing what she's saying.
"You try so hard to keep me safe, even from yourself. I love you for it, but you don't need to do that. When I kiss you, I want you to kiss me back... don't you want to?"
"Of course I do," I say a little too loudly.
"I just wasn't sure... you pull away so often and with... well, my past and all I just wasn't sure if it was me you didn't -
I don't let her get the negative words about herself come out before my lips come crashing into hers.
"Never," I say between kisses. "I've never pulled away because I didn't want you." I stop kissing and hold her head between my hands; I need her to understand this. "I've always wanted you, every second. Ok?"
When she licks her lips and nods her head I can see the sincerity in her eyes. I can't believe she ever thought that.
"I want you, too. I trust you."
With that we fall into a messy pile onto the bed. She lifts the blanket up allowing me to slip underneath with her. Feeling the bare skin of her legs and arms against my almost naked body is doing crazy things to me.
Our making out gets more intense and the towel that was once firmly around my waist is now slipping and getting eaten up by the layers of sheets and blankets on the bed. When I go to pull it back up Bella's hand stops me.
I look down into her eyes. "Are you sure?" I breathe out.
"Yes, I'm sure," she nods her head.
She's touched me through my pants and has touched me briefly before but has never felt comfortable coming face to face with me.
"Just say if you want to stop," I whisper into her ear.
When my painful hardness brushes against her thigh I can't stop the groan the falls from my lips. Laying my head in the crook of her neck I rock against her, not being able to stop myself.
She's not moving much, so I force myself to be still and look at her. She's a little stiff but seems ok.
"I love you," I say, brushing some stray hair off her forehead.
"Love you, too," she says.
The tension in her body releases with the words as she melts into me. She starts kissing my collarbone down to my chest. Tentatively, I reach down and place my hand on her inner thigh. She tucks her head into the crook of my neck, opening her legs, silently telling me this is ok. I gently rub her over her underwear feeling the wetness of her seeping through.
"Fuck, you're so wet," I whisper not able to keep my mouth shut.
I keep her top and underwear on, but when I pull her underwear aside and touch her skin, the moan that escapes her lips almost does me in right there. When I start to rub her she moans my name and starts to grind against my hand. Seeing her let go like this is the best thing I've ever seen. As I continue my work below the sheets her eyes roll into the back of her head as her chest arches off the bed.
"Oh, Edward..."
"Mmm, does that feel good, baby?" I whisper watching her nod her head fervently.
Watching Bella come undone is definitely the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life. Knowing I was the one who made her feel that way makes it all that much better. Once she's come down, she lays back and relaxes against the pillows.
"Wow." She looks more relaxed than I have ever seen her.
I laugh at her response but continue to move against her below the sheets. Watching her get off has made me that much harder.
"Can I... I mean, do you mind if I look?" There's a mischievous smile playing on her lips.
Just hearing that she wants to see me - touch me, has me more excited than I should be. I roll away from her just a bit, enough for her to slide her body against mine and slip her hand between us. She pulls the sheet back and looks directly at the place that makes me different from her - the thing she's been so afraid to be close to.
She bites her lower lip and slips her hand down griping me.
"Oh, Jesus, Bella," I moan as her hand starts to pump me. It's been so long since anyone other than myself has touched me and even though she's just started, I'm ready to finish.
"Does that feel good?" she asks, as her hand makes another pass.
I can't even speak, so I just nod reaching up her shirt, slipping my hand beneath her bra. I squeeze her under her top but don't try to take it off. She's made no move to take any more of her clothing off, and I want her to guide this.
I kiss her and grope any skin I can find as she keeps working me. I want to ask her if she's ok but can't form a coherent sentence to do so. When she's not kissing me she's staring down at where her hand is. The next thing I know she's scooting down the bed, when she licks her lips, I know what she has in mind.
"Bella, baby, you don't have to," I force myself to say. I want nothing more than for her to do this to me but if it ended with her breaking down I don't think I'd be able to handle it.
"I want to make you feel good," she says. I have no time to reply because I feel her peppering wet kisses along my shaft.
"Oh, fuck. Oh, Bella," I say, my hands griping the sheets.
She clasps her hand with mine and her eyes stay on me to keep her grounded. She can't take all of me in, and her actions are timid, but it makes no difference to me. What she's doing now beats anything I've experienced in the past.
She pauses after a few minutes and places more kisses on my hips and up my chest.
"I'm sorry," she says, softly, gripping me with her hand.
"What? No. Why are you sorry?" I ask, still panting from what she was just doing.
"I just can't... it's just.."
"Shh," I say, kissing the top of her head. I understand, but I don't want to think about that - her past- right now. I just can't. "It's fine. You know I don't expect that."
Her hand is still pumping me and all coherent thoughts leave me. I feel like a horny teenager getting his first hand job, but I can't help it. My hips rise up to meet the movement of her hand. I can feel the tightening in my stomach and try to warn Bella but before the words come out I finish, making a mess all over her hand and myself.
"Fuck, I'm sorry, baby," I say jumping up, running to the bathroom bringing a wet cloth back.
When I come out of the bathroom I'm not sure what kind of condition I'll find Bella in. This is the farthest we've ever gone and It's the first time she's let me touch her bare, and the first time she's touched me. I'm not sure how she'll react. When I walk in the room I see her lying on her stomach, waiting for me. A soft smile plays on her lips, and her hair is in complete disarray; I love it.
Once I've cleaned us up, she crawls into my arms placing kisses all over my chest. I don't bother placing my pants back on and when I feel Bella reach down and caress me a smile spreads across my face. Tonight was a huge step for us - for Bella.
Falling asleep I accept the possibility that things could be changing for me. Everything in my life has always gone terribly wrong. In this second, with Bella in my arms, I try to let the negativity go and assume this trip could go smoothly. In the morning, I'll realize how wrong I was.
*Hides* The next chapter is started. I'll try and make it quick!
If you want to say hi or chat, find me on twitter - kdc2239. I had to lock my account to keep people from RL out. Sorry, I know that's a pain.
See you all soon! 3