Hey! It wasn't too long this time, right? The next chapter is in the works!
Thanks to my awesome friends Whatobsession17, Jessypt and Kimmcarr for their work on this!
The reviews for last chapter blew me away! You guys are amazing. Thanks for all your kind words and patients with me when RL won't slow down.
WARNING!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
Father into your hands, I commend my spirit
Father into your hands - why have you forsaken me?
In your eyes, forsaken me
In your thoughts, forsaken me
In your heart, forsaken me
Oh, trust in my, self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
-System of a Down
Portland
We wake with the morning light streaming through the large windows in the room. Bella looks more relaxed this morning than she did last night. As usual her small body is taking up most of the bed. I honestly have no idea how she stretches herself out in such a way that makes it so half of my body is off the bed.
I slip quietly out of bed, leaving a soft kiss on her head. I know I'm not the best when it comes to talking to her the way we did last night, but I'm trying. Dr. Carmen has told us over and over again to be honest and talk about everything. It seems to help her to tell me what's going through her mind, and I'm more than happy to listen if it helps her.
I shower and dress quickly, ready to leave the room as the sun is still rising. I want to make it the shelter just before breakfast. I figure it's the best time to catch Jake if he's there. As I look out the window I see a familiar image of the city waking up. Portland looks different in the morning light than it did when we arrived late last night. People are getting off the Max and filling the parking garages as they rush to work.
"Ready so early?" Bella asks, barely lifting her head from the pillow she seems to be glued to.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go look. It's early. Go back to sleep; I'll be back before you know it."
"No... no, just give me five minutes." She starts to stretch and crawl out of bed. I feel guilty to admit it, but I was hoping to be able to just leave a note and avoid an argument.
"Bella," I say in a way that hints at what's coming next. We made this compromise before we left Forks. She promised to stay in the room.
"What? I'll be quick," she says with no confidence. She knows it's not the time I'm worried about.
I sit on the edge of the bed and rub her leg through the blankets.
"You know that's not what I mean."
"You're really going to make me stay here?" There's a tinge of anger in her voice but also acceptance; she knows I won't budge on this.
"We made a deal, Bella," I sigh. "You promised if I brought you along you would stay in the hotel, where it's safe, while I look through the shelter." She scowls at me weakly, making me laugh. "C'mon, don't make me feel like shit, Bella."
"Fine, I'll stay, but you have to take your phone and call me if you're going to be more than an hour, Edward." I raise a brow at her. We haven't even used our phones yet and now, she's making a schedule for them.
"No, don't give me that look. You act like you're the only one who worries. I worry, too, and if you're making me stay here I need to know you're safe." She's trying to look tough, but when a huge yawn escapes her it takes the effect away.
"Fine. An hour," I breathe against her forehead as I kiss it, and she yawns again. "Try and get some sleep... because, I'd like a replay of last night." I sit back and wink at her, so she knows I'm playing. I'm still unsure as to how forward I can be with her when it comes to sex.
"Ugh, like I'll sleep after that comment!" she laughs, throwing herself back on the bed, arms over her head. Her shirt rides up, and I know if I don't leave now, I'll end up back in bed with her.
"I'll be back soon," I say, slipping the small cell phone into my pocket.
"Please be safe," she says with a worried look plastered on her face, all joking has left her tone.
"It'll be fine. Stop worrying, silly girl." I kiss her one more time before I head to the door. I hesitate as I grab the knob. "Bella, promise me you'll stay put," I say, turning to face her.
"I already said I would."
"Promise me. No matter what, you'll stay in this room." I'm not sure where my surge of panic is coming from, but I need this reassurance from her, that she won't go wander by herself to find me or something stupid.
"Promise. I love you."
"Love you too," I say, shutting the door behind me, wiggling the handle to make sure it locked the way it's supposed to.
I walk quickly out of the lobby and out onto the street. At this point I just want to do what I need to do and get back to her. I don't think all the therapists in the world could change that; I don't know that I'd want them to.
~*E&B*~
There's a certain level of comfort that surrounds me being back 'home.' I had never considered myself tied to Portland until I'd left it. Along with the present fear there's also relief. I know what to expect here; I know the people around me. I know who my friends are - and my enemies. I know who the decent cops are and the ones who just want to shake you down. While I understand we're safer in Forks, I'm more on edge there. I don't know those people or what they're capable of. There are a lot of sick fucks in the world, but at least I know who they are here.
Rounding the corner I get on Burnside and see The Mission straight ahead. Bodies line the walls and look as though they're spilling out the door. I know it's quite the opposite; everyone's trying to spill in. It's time to eat, and this is the one place someone out of luck can find some. Burnside is a busy street downtown, with stoplight at every corner. It's a perfect place for the homeless to sit and watch people in their Mercedes drive by.
I'm purposefully wearing the stained, torn clothing from before Forks, because I need to fit in. Wearing new clothes, like the ones Esme had given me, to a place like this is a quick way to get noticed, and that's the last thing I need.
On the way here I got disdainful looks and whispers I haven't received in a long time. Just like before though, I don't give a shit. People can judge me for my clothing as much as they'd like.
I scan the crowd as I get closer, looking for any sign of Jake or some of the guys he hangs out with. When I don't see him, I fall in line with the rest of the people hoping Jake's already inside.
"Whoa, Masen, that you?" an old man shouts across the line. I recognize him and have 'known' him out here for many years. I nod back as a way to say hello but realize at that moment I have no idea what his name is; I don't know if I ever did. A couple other regulars greet me asking where I've been the past months. A few even ask about Bella, and at that very moment I'm glad I didn't bring her with me. Word gets out fast here, and while none of these people pose a threat, the people who do will know soon enough. I give non-committal answers and just continue to try and get inside. None of these people need to know where I've been and who's been with me.
Finally, I get inside and start to look for Mrs. E; she'll know where Jake is. She always showed favoritism to us. I'm not sure if it's because we were out here at such a young age or if it's because we're some of the few who thank her and show her respect. Either way, she'll have an idea of where to find Jake.
I quickly fall back into the mindset that is home to me - more animalistic, instinct driven, survival first. It's every man for himself here, and I'm looking out for number one. I had no idea how much I'd changed until that very moment. I'd seen huge transformations in Bella and realize that mine mirror hers in a way.
I'm disgusted all of a sudden and just want to get out of here. Most of these people are here out of no fault of their own. I feel bad, but I don't have to live like this anymore and don't want to. I've been resisting every chance for help from the Cullens due to my pride. I don't want a handout but at this moment I take it for what it is - luck. I'm damn lucky to be in the position I've found myself in and finally see it. I'm being offered the chance I've been fighting for, for years, and while it hasn't come the way I thought it would, it's still come. I determine that when I get back to Forks, I'll go with this new perspective. I've been given a chance that the majority of these people will never get a taste of; I won't waste it.
I continue to scan the room but am failing to see anyone I'm looking for. I'm about to go ask another volunteer to find Mrs. E when a hand forcefully pulls me back. I turn ready to beat the shit out whoever's trying to fuck with me and come face to face with a beat to shit Ben.
"What the fuck you doin' here, man?" he demands. His eye is swollen shut and the left side of his face is a nasty blue color.
"Looking for Jake. What the fuck happened to your face?"
He scoffs at me and looks around nervously. "What do you think happened, Masen?" My stomach drops, and I feel shitty for him. It's obviously the work of Roy or one of his goons.
"Man, you have to get away from them," I say, shaking my head.
"Yeah, thanks for the expert advice," he says sarcastically. "Look, you aint' stayin' are you?"
I shake my head. "No, I'm out of here the second I catch up with Jake."
He laughs humorlessly, "Eh, good luck with that."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I demand, losing my patience. He jerks his head behind him and obviously doesn't like what he sees, because he pulls me around the corner. Before he answers me about Jake he spouts off.
"Look, you gotta get the fuck outta here. Roy, man, you know he don't forget shit like what you pulled. He's been on a man hunt ever since." I'm not surprised to hear this, but not scared either. "Shit, Masen, was that piece of ass worth it, really?"
Again, relief floods my system that no one knows Bella's here. "You shut the fuck up about her; I'm serious." I appreciate that Ben helped us out that night under the bridge, but I'd fuck him up in a heartbeat if he keeps pushing me.
"Is she here?"
"What did I just fucking say about talking about her? No, she's not here." I'm thinking our stay in Portland is going to be cut short. It won't take long for word to get back to Roy and his ass buddies. As long as no one follows me though, a hotel will be the last place they'll look for me.
"Shit, Masen, I'm not tryin' to start nothin'. I have no interest in your girl. Chill."
I run my hands over my face and look around. "Is it just you here?"
"A new guy is over there, but he has no idea what you look like. You know I won't say nothin' but watch your back," he warns.
"Wait, where's Jake?" I shout. He's gone before he even hears me. "Thanks, Ben," I say as I watch him slip back into the crowd.
Knowing I should hurry, I look around for the first volunteer I can find. I recognize a guy who's been here for years and walk up to him. Recognition flashes in his eyes instantly then a look of anger takes over.
"You've got a lot of nerve to show up here," he says placing his hands on his hips.
I'm taken aback, having no idea what I could've done hundreds of miles away to piss him off so badly.
"What the hell? Me?"
"Don't play stupid with me, punk!" He steps toward me, and I take a step back. I'm too confused to even get pissed at his aggressiveness. I don't know him well, not even his name, but I've never seen him act like this.
"You guys showed up here every week and every week I told her 'you don't really know them, they could be dangerous' but no, she just wanted to help you." I look at him in shock and let him go off some more, because I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. "She insisted you two were young and sweet. She brought you food from her own goddamn house for Christ sake! Look where it got her!"
"Who? What the fuck are you talking about?" Now, I was getting pissed. I let him go off long enough and I want some answers.
"Play stupid all you want. I have to feed you either way, but I'm warning you, stay out of my path." He walks away in a huff leaving me bewildered and pissed.
"Edward," I turn to see a woman who has also volunteered here as long as I could remember. She points to a room off the dining area indicating I should follow. With one more confused look over my shoulder I walk behind her into the room.
The beds are being sprayed and cleaned from the night before. Other than the two workers in the room, it's just the lady and me.
"I haven't seen you around here in a few weeks."
"Months." I'm not sure why I feel the need to correct her.
"Where have you been?"
"You know I'm not gonna answer you, so do you want to tell me why you pulled me aside or should I just leave?" I'm so confused and not in the mood to play games.
"Don't let Ryan get to you. We know you didn't have anything to do with it... it's just, well you know, we all care for her, and we're all still pretty shaken up about everything."
I look at her trying to translate what she's saying - trying to make some sense out of what's going on around me.
"You really don't know, do you?"
An odd noise of frustration sounding like a growl escapes my throat. "Know about what?"
"Oh, my. We just all... you guys seemed really close. We just assumed..."
"What? You assumed what?" My voice is as calm as I can possibly make it.
"Well, um... let's sit over here, okay?"
We sit on a bench by the door, so that everyone in the room over can have a clear view if they'd like. I assume she's nervous of my reaction.
"When's the last time you saw your friend Jacob?"
"Not since I left. Months, I haven't seen him in a couple months. I'm back here to try and find him - to help him."
"Oh, my. Well, he needs help; that's for sure."
"I'm sorry..." I take a deep breath not wanting to snap. "Not to be rude but can you just cut the bullshit and tell me what happened?" I look at the clock over her head and notice my hour is up. I don't have time to call Bella though and hope she stays put in the hotel.
"Well, Jake's been coming in a lot; more than usual. He hasn't been... himself -"
"You mean 'Sam' is the one who's been coming here."
She smiles softly, "Yes, him and many other's he's made up.'"
"He's sick. It isn't like this is a game to him. He can't control it." Fuck, she's acting like he has imaginary friends or something.
"Yes... well, he was getting violent, pushing people, throwing chairs. We had to tell him he couldn't come back. It broke her heart to do it, but Mrs. Elizabeth felt she should do it. She didn't want him to be hurt, and she wanted to try and get him some help if she could. Two weeks after - this would be last week - he came back. We were busy, and no one saw him slip in."
I feel my face pale. There's no way this story can end well. I lean forward with my elbows on my knees, running my hands through my hair.
"There was shouting. Obviously, he wasn't... himself that day, and he was angry - so angry. By the time the staff got back there Mrs. Elizabeth... she was..." Tears spring to her eyes and she quickly wipes them away. "I'm sorry... I found her it's just... she was on the ground in a pool of blood. He was standing over her with a hunting knife."
"Oh shit," I whisper. "Shit, shit." My chest gets tight, and I can hardly pull a breath in. I feel the woman's hand tentatively rub my back. I stiffen at her touch but don't pull away.
"I know. It's such a terrible situation."
"Shit." Apparently my vocabulary left when my shock set in. I roughly run my hands over my face, hating myself. If I hadn't run off this wouldn't have happened. I fucking abandoned my best friend.
Once I compose myself I sit up and face her. I notice now the sadness in her eyes and feel bad for losing my patience before.
"What... where... fuck, I mean where is he? Did he... kill her?"
"No, thank the gracious Lord, he didn't. He stabbed her in her side and somehow, he missed all the major organs."
I let out a huge breath. Mrs. E was the only positive in my life out here, and I don't know how I would have taken the news that she had been killed, killed by my best friend.
"Jacob, well I imagine he's in jail. I really don't know."
I nod my head. I feel her finger a hole in my shirt.
"Let me go get you a new shirt and some food."
"No, no, don't," I say stopping her. "I don't need anything."
"Sure you do."
"No, I really don't... I'm just gonna... I mean, do you think you could tell me what hospital Mrs. E is in?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says nervously, looking behind her shoulder and around the room.
"Please," I whisper, closing my eyes tightly.
"Fine, but you better not bug her. I know she'd like to see you, but if she asks you to leave, you leave. Got it?"
I nod my head and assure her I won't make her situation any worse.
"She's in OHSU, up on the hill. She was in room 422, but I'm not sure if they've moved her."
"Thank you. Thank you so much," I say, and I mean it.
When I turn to leave she stops me one more time.
"Edward, I've seen you come in here since you were twelve. I know you don't want to tell me where you've been... but are you okay?"
I smile at her. I had no idea that these people actually cared about me, and I feel guilty that I can't even put a name to this kind woman's face.
"I'm doing great, honest. Thanks for everything..."
"Maggie, and it's okay. I didn't expect you to remember."
"Thanks, Maggie. Really." With that I was jogging out of the shelter and back to the hotel.
The guilt I feel is almost crippling. I need to go to the hotel, get Bella and take her to the hospital. After running into Ben, I know walking around the city isn't an option. I need to check my money and make sure I have enough to take a cab. I need to find the numbers of the police stations and find out where they have Jake.
My eyes dart around the street, every muscle in my body is waiting to get jumped. One week. One goddamned week. If I just had come back sooner then I might have been able to stop this. Mrs. E is in the hospital, and Jake is in fucking lock up.
I bypass the elevator and jog up the stairs when I get back to the hotel. When I get in the room, Bella's head turns to face me. She's on the phone, smiling and laughing until she takes a good look at me and my expression.
"Alice... hey, Alice. I know, I know - he's probably amazing, but I need to call you back. Yeah, ok... give Seth a hug for me. Ok, bye."
"What? What's happened?"
Thanks for reading guys!
If you want updates on twitter, or just chat, you can find me under kdc2239 :)
The next chapter should be up soon!