Hey everyone!
Huge thanks to usual to Whatobsession17 and Jesspyt. Love you ladies!
The reviews from the last chapter blew me away. Thank you all so much.
Okay... put your big girl (or boy) panties on. This chapter earns the M rating ;)
In case you care...
I listened to this song over and over while writing this chapter. It has been my favorite song for years. It's called Dancing and it's by an Italian woman named Elisa. If you want to listen to it while you read (trust, you do) you can find it here http:/ www (dot) youtube (dot) com/ watch?v= qi6_41G63ck
Make sure to take the spaced and what not out! *grumbles* stupid site.
So I put my arms around you. Around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you. They're on you
and I know that you won't hurt me
-Elisa
"I'll just give you some privacy," Bella says softly, standing on her toes kissing my cheek.
She leaves a letter she wrote to my mom and touches the headstone reverently before walking away.
We had been standing in silence ever since we found my mom's grave. She only spoke when she asked if it was okay for her to leave the letter. I didn't know she'd written it, and I have no clue what it says. I just nodded my head encouraging her to leave it.
I turn and watch her walk away, giving me my space. I've been alone for a long time, but this moment is the first time I feel alone. I almost ask her to stay, but at the same time, I don't want her to. I feel so awkward standing here, staring at a piece of cement that has my mom's name on it. It just doesn't look right - this whole situation doesn't feel right. A million emotions flow through me, and I can't name one of them. It seems like I'm feeling them the first time.
I squat down next to her headstone and lay the daisies we brought across her grave.
"Mom," I whisper so quietly the breeze overpowers the sound. Running my hand over the top of the stone I say nothing else, because nothing else seems right.
After she first died I would lie at night and talk to her. In my head or out loud, depending on where I was. It was one night that caused my dialogue with her to stop. After the incident with Lucy, I ran, and I ran far. I remember my first night on the street, wishing what my life had turned into was just a nightmare, not my reality. That was the last night I talked to my mom. It was the night I learned begging did no good.
The sky is angry and black. I'm still running even though I'm sure no one noticed me leaving. This is it - I won't get caught again - I'm determined not to. I've decided that anything is better than being at another home. I look around me and wonder how at I'll make it. I wonder if I can get a job being only thirteen, if I can find roommates maybe.
I'm somewhere out of town, but I'm not sure where. It's dark now, and I don't hear any sounds around me. Every shadow makes me jump, and when thunder crashes above, I scream out in fear. I always thought I was tough. I was one of the bigger guys in my class, I beat the shit out of the foster dad that was hurting Lucy, I stood up for myself, and I tried to take care of my mom. I thought I was grown up - a man. In this second, as my tears start to mix with the rain, I realize how weak I am and how much I just want my mom.
I'm so scared that at any second someone is going to jump out of the darkness. I have no idea what time it is; everything around me is closed. I realize I have nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep, no one to call. I stop walking, and I look up to the sky letting the rain pelt down on my face. My tears turn into sobs, and I cry. I cry harder than I can ever remember. I cry to no one, begging my mom to come back.
After that night I did grow up, became a man, and the child that I was - that I never had a chance to be - died. I've never cried again. I've protected myself from those emotions. I haven't thought about that night in so long. It was the last time I truly felt her around me. When I lay down behind a dumpster and cried myself to sleep I swear I felt her. I don't know if she left me for good or if I shut down, but I lost her after that night in more than one way.
Walking here, I planned all the things I should say. What would be appropriate, what others say; I thought about how Bella handled her mom's gravesite. Standing here at her grave all of that leaves me. No plan could prepare me for this.
I breathe deep and try to compose myself before I continue. I stand up wrapping one arm around my waist, the other I rest on top of it and place my hand under my chin.
"I miss you so much... life... life has been so hard." My breathe gets caught in my throat, and I sputter for air for a second.
My chest feels tight, painfully tight, like the emotions are about to claw out from the inside. I turn my back and face my head to the sky willing the emotion away. I've never admitted those words out loud. I've always accepted my lot in life and stayed tough. I try to be strong for Bella - hell for myself, that's what you have to do to get by.
But this is my mom; I don't have to hide. I can tell her the truth - life has been hard.
Once I feel like I have control over myself again, I turn back around and stare at the ground. I don't want to sit here and re-live all the shit I've gone through. The most important thing to me is here, taking a walk waiting for me. That's what I want to tell her about.
"Mom, I'm so happy now. Things have changed - life is good now." I let my arms fall to my sides. "I just thought you should know that," I whisper. I feel my eyes start to water but refuse to let the tears fall.
Bowing my head I look at the cold dead earth and know there isn't anything here for me anymore.
"I just... I'm sorry it's taken me so long, and I don't think I'll come back here, mom." I look away from the cold grave and out toward the horizon. "You're not here... I love you, but you're not here."
I touch the headstone one last time before placing my hands in my pockets. Turning and walking away I hold her necklace tightly in my hand.
~*E&B*~
When I find Bella, walking around the cemetery, I take her hand and we walk silently. We eat and wander downtown a bit, and the as the day wears on the worse I feel. I feel devastated on the way back to the hotel. The sun has set, and we walk quietly through the dark. Bella can tell I don't want to talk, and I'm grateful she understands me so well.
We get back to the room, and I can't deal. I don't want to lash out at her, but I can't pretend everything is okay. I lean forward, pressing my lips to her forehead, trying to express to her that this isn't her fault and then walk into the bathroom and shut the door. I don't mean to push her away so severely, but I can't handle anything else today. I can't even look her in the eye.
I feel so overwhelmed, and I don't have the capacity to handle it. Ten years of keeping things buried are all crashing down on me. I've never learned how to stay put and deal with shit, to not run. Dealing with everything today made me feel like my mom died all over again. When she died I was so young and didn't face any of it. Now, at twenty-one I have to face it head on.
I sit on the edge of the tub and lay my head in my hands. My head is pounding, and I feel so tired. I hear Bella shuffling outside the door, and I feel like crap. I know she's probably worried, and I need to let her know everything will be okay. I'm hiding in the bathroom, because I'm trying to get over everything, so I can go out and act normal with her.
I'm not sure how much time passes, but I hear a timid knock on the door and lift my head to see Bella peak in.
"Hey," she says softly.
"Hey."
"Is it okay if I come in?"
As soon as the words leave her mouth, I realize I want nothing more. I've been pushing her away, and I realize all I really wanted was her with me.
"Please," I say.
She walks in the bathroom and shuts the door behind her. Even though we're the only two in the room it's nice have the door shut. It feels like a separation between us and the rest of the world.
She sits on the edge of the tub with me, and we both stare straight ahead.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"No... I understand," she says, slipping her hand into mine.
I squeeze it then bring it to my lips and kiss it.
"Are you ok?"
I just shrug.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. Not really."
We go back to sitting in silence but just having her with me makes me feel better. I can't talk to her about it, because I can't even describe what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. There is one thing I'm curious about though.
"That letter..." I start. She looks at me and bites her lip. "What did you say?" I ask.
"Uh..."
"You don't have to tell me," I say. "I understand if it's personal."
"No... I just... I don't want you to think I'm stupid."
"I would never think that," I say with a soft breath, shaking my head.
She takes a deep breath and blows it out.
"I don't know... I just felt like... I just wanted to introduce myself. I didn't know how else to tell her... she's your mom, and I wanted her to know me. I love you so much, and I just wanted the woman who raised you to know," she says softly looking in her lap.
I'm blown away by the words that come out of her mouth and an entirely different emotion overwhelms me. I turn my body to face her, and she slowly looks up at me. Leaning in so slowly, I let our lips connect.
The connection is amazing, and I realize it's exactly what I was longing for. I turn my body and place my hands on her face, holding her. I deepen the kiss, and she eagerly reciprocates.
I feel desperate and needy when I pull her on my lap. Her legs wrap around my hips to straddle me.
I hold her close; her body molds to mine, but it's not close enough. I need her to anchor me back to the earth, and she seems to sense it. I wrap one arm tightly around her lower back and the other around the back of her head. When I squeeze her tightly she whimpers into my mouth. I pull back quickly to look at her to make sure I didn't push her too far.
She looks at me with passion in her eyes... and no fear. One hand caresses above my eyebrow and down the side of my face. I close my eyes and lean into her hand accepting the comfort she's offering. With my eyes still closed I can feel her chest pressed against mine, and her lips crash back into me.
I moan when she starts to move in my lap. Holding her even tighter I lift her up and open the door while she kisses my neck. Quickly, I carry her to the bed and lay her on her back. I lay on top of her, careful to not let my weight overwhelm her. My lips go back to hers as her legs wrap around my waist.
Every move she makes is slow and soft. She reaches up, undoing the buttons on my shirt and pushes it to the ground. She sits up a little and places slow kisses to my chest - loving me, taking care of me, and it feels so good to let go. I press her back into the mattress with my chest kissing her neck.
Slowly, I remove her shirt and bra. She reaches her arms above her head and moans when my mouth connects with her chest. Her hands come back down and caress my face as I continue to kiss her upper body.
I let my overwhelming feelings from the day overtake my motions and kiss her like I never have before. I hold nothing back as I wrap one hand around her waist and the other behind her neck. I hear her moan as she grips my back with both hands.
Time and pain seem to disappear the longer I hold her.
Her hands slip down my chest and to my pants. I lift my hips so she can undo my belt. My zipper slides down and, between the two of us, my pants are discarded to the floor. Soon hers follow and before I know it we're both naked. The feeling of her soft, warm body pressed against mine is indescribable. I look down at her in awe before I reach out to her.
My hands touch her chest and I'm encouraged by her soft moans and sighs. I can't help but rub against her leg looking for some kind of relief. Her hands roam my back as she kisses my neck slowly.
"I love you," she whispers in my ear before kissing it softly.
"Love you too," I say leaning down placing kisses on her chest.
My hand slips down between her legs. Her head sinks further into the pillow, and her chest rises higher. Every reaction from her is so raw and natural. To see her let go like this is more than I could ever ask for.
I gasp when her soft hand makes contact with my hardness. My arms almost give out when she starts to caress and stroke me.
"Fuck, Bella," I whisper hoarsely into her neck.
There's no rush - no franticness or hurried movements. As stupid as it sounds I've never felt as loved as I do in this moment. It's something only we can share and it makes me feel not so alone.
I sit up, causing her to lose her grasp on me. She looks at me with confused eyes and starts to speak.
"Shhh," I say.
I move down the bed and start at her leg and kiss my way up. I take my time giving attention to every place on her body - every mark, every scar. When I reach back up to her neck she reaches down to stroke me again.
"I'm ready, Edward," she says so softly I almost don't hear her.
I pull back to look at her, and I've never seen her look so at peace. She's fully relaxed against the pillow, her dark hair splayed out against the stark white of the pillowcase with such fierce contrast. Her eyes don't hold the look of fear and worry I can never seem to fully erase. Her chest is flushed, and her legs stroke mine at the opposite end of the bed.
"Are you sure?" I ask, looking directly in to her eyes.
The last thing I want is for her to feel pressured, but I'm praying she's sure - that she didn't just get lost in the moment.
She nods her head but bites her lip. She is nervous, but she wants this. I just hope she can fight her demons and not let them get the best of her.
Even thought she wants this I want to ease her into it. Every cell in my body is telling me to dive in, but I force myself to show restraint and go slowly with her.
I lie down on top of her and kiss her slowly. The more she kisses me, the more I can see this isn't one side - she wants this. Her hands hold me tightly to her, every kiss is telling me we'll be okay - I'll be okay.
I came back here looking for something to anchor me back to this world, when my anchor was with me all along. I've known I loved her for a long time, but in this moment the weight of how much crashes down onto me.
My arms wrap protectively around her. I kiss her forehead as I push inside of her and pause. I'm not sure if it's for her or me. The reality of what we're doing is hitting me, and the connection I feel to her is overwhelming. She's stiff below me, and I'm terrified she's panicking.
"Are you okay?" I whisper, because no matter how badly I want this - how good it feels to be inside her, how good I feel - nothing is more important than her.
"Yes." Her reply is soft but sure.
"Do you want to be on top?" I ask, thinking she might not feel as held down.
She shakes her head. "No. I feel... this makes me feel safe." Her arms are in between our chests and she curls up into my body as much as she can.
With her honest reply I let more of my weight rest on her and start to move.
I move with her and each time my body presses hers down into the mattress another broken part of me breaks away. She slips her arms out and clings to me as if she's scared she'll fall away if she lets go. I can feel a small amount of fear, but I feel her love more strongly.
She whispers she loves me over and over, and each time I say it back she seems to calm a little. Each time the words are murmured her face relaxes. It's a reminder to her that this is different. She's with me and I won't let anything happen to her. He body becomes less stiff and her hips start to move - she starts to become a participant in this moment. I rest my forehead against hers, staring into her eyes. Every now and then I kiss her forehead. I'm so close; I try to hold out for her but even though she seems to be enjoying this - seems to be controlling her fear instead of it controlling her - she's not going to be able to let go completely.
"Fuck, Bella... I'm so close," I say squeezing my eyes shut tightly.
Her hips lift up to match mine, and her lips start to suck on my neck. With her physical encouragement I can't hold back and fall on top of her as she pushes me over the edge.
We both lay still, breathing heavily. When I slip out of her, I scoot down and lay my head on her chest, my body still between her legs. My arms are wrapped tightly around her, and I'm not sure how I'll bring myself to let go. I kiss her chest as I watch it rise and fall with her breaths. Her body eventually comes to a completely relaxed state, and she runs her hands through my hair. Neither of us speak, just relish the moment.
Goosebumps start to cover her flesh, so I roll off of her and pull her to my chest while bringing the blankets up to cover us. She wraps her arm around me and continues to cling to me.
"Are you okay?" I ask, kissing her lips tenderly.
She looks into my eyes - tears sparkling in hers - but with a soft smile she nods.
"That was... amazing..." I say kissing her again. I can't keep my lips off of hers.
"Was it okay for you?" I ask quietly, her silence making me worry.
"It was... unbelievable," she says, emotion thick in her voice. She lays her head on my chest kissing me. "I never... I had no idea it could be so... good," she says, looking up at me. "I want new memories... you make all the bad go away."
I blow out a breath of relief so glad she enjoyed it, so glad she didn't panic, so glad I didn't scar her more.
I roll over to face her. She curls her hands up against my chest, laying her head on my arm. I wrap one around her neck and with the other I reach across her waist and cup her backside.
"I love you, Edward."
My arms tighten around her.
"I love you, too."
"Everything will be okay," she whispers. Her words floating off into the dark.
For the first time in my life I feel whole... at peace, and I know she's right.
Everything will be okay.
~*E&B*~
I wake sometime in the middle of the night. I lay on my side facing Bella, softly running my fingers through her hair. I stare at her and wonder how I got so fucking lucky. Of course this is something I've always wanted with her - and I knew one day we'd get here, but I didn't expect it now. I didn't expect it in a time when she would be comforting me. I also didn't expect to feel this way... to feel anything past the physical pleasure.
She sighs and wiggles towards me, making the sheet slip revealing her breasts. I lean forward, kissing her bare shoulder. She sighs again, rolling onto her stomach. I sit up and pepper her back with kisses. I feel myself harden. I know I shouldn't wake her, but have no self control.
Reaching below the blanket I run my hand down her back then her ass and spread her legs before cupping her. When I start to rub her she stirs a little and opens her eyes looking right into mine.
"Hey," I say, smiling like the horny twelve-year-old boy I'm acting like.
"Hey," she laughs softly, her voice thick with sleep.
I'm about to ask if what I'm doing is okay when she pushes against me and starts to move her hips. Her eyes close again, but she continues her slight movements. I slip a finger into her and watch her face morph as she gasps.
Kissing her neck and her back I crawl on top of her, and she opens her legs for me. I whisper I love her into the darkness as I slip into her. She's so tight in this position, and I know I won't last long.
I lay my chest on her back and move slowly, loving the soft whimpers that fall from her lips. When she starts to push back against me, I put my weight on my arms and thrust faster. Her hand shoots out and grasps mine as she moans and writhes beneath me.
I slip my hand between the mattress and her chest, squeezing her. She moans and kisses my arm which is by her face. With my other hand I reach up to grasp the headboard, angling myself so I hit the spot within her that I know will push her over the edge.
My hand moves from her chest down her stomach to rest between her legs. Her quiet moans increase before I feel her tighten around me. Every muscle in my body goes still as I follow right behind her.
"Fuck," I pant, laying beside her.
"Wow," she says breathlessly.
She curls back into my side, and when her breathing evens out I know she's asleep again. I drift now and then but never reach a deep sleep. I'm wide awake when I see the sun drifting through the curtains. I quietly slip out of bed, replacing my body with a pillow that she tightens her hold on eagerly. I laugh as I lean down, kiss her head and pull the covers around her shoulders. I go into the bathroom and take a quick shower.
Slipping out of the hotel room I let her sleep and grab some muffins and coffee for when she wakes up. When I come back into the room Bella wakes to the sound of the door opening. She stretches her arms up and smiles shyly at me. She sits up but keeps the sheet over her chest. I'm surprised at how she blushes and seems uncomfortable. Apprehension rolls through me, and I wonder if I miss read her signals the night before.
"Morning," I say, setting the food on the table.
"Morning," she says back, still holding the sheet in a death grip.
"Is everything... I mean... you don't regret -"
"No," she cuts me off quickly. Shyly, she looks up and her eyes find mine. "Last night... I never imagined..."
"I know," I say, keeping her from struggling for the words, looking at the ground, feeling shy myself all of a sudden.
I sit on the edge of the bed, and she kisses my cheek. I realize she isn't upset; she's just not used to this - having a pleasant morning after, not feeling used and in pain. I push those thoughts out of my head not wanting them to poison our special moment. We've woken up to each other many times, but what happened last night took our relationship to whole new level. I realize then that I've never woken up next to the person I went to bed with, and even more, I've never felt like this before. Like I've said - sleeping together brought a lot of firsts for the both of us.
In this moment I realize I don't want to be here anymore. Not just this hotel or the town but my past... I want to put all of this behind us. I want to move forward.
"Bella," I say, making her look up at me. "Lets go home."
BELLA WILL NOT GET PREGNANT! Please do not yell at me :)
Our duo is headed home next. I'm thinking there are five-ish chapters left.
Thanks for reading!
If you want teasers and updates on the story, you can find me on twitter kdc2239
The next chapter will be up in a week or two!