Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition
Written By: SugarBaby
Ideas By: TokyoFreak
SB - Okay, TF and I obviously have nothing better to do if we wrote 3 chapters in one day. And it's not like they're short chapters!
TF - Yeah, we just like working our asses off. SO APPRECIATE US! And review!
SB - Well, we might like working our asses off when we're making fun of KH characters, but we hate school. So, to forget about school, let's jump right in!
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We last left off at the very start of the HOH competition, with Larxene going first. Beetlejuice was late to the explanation; he had some "business to take care of, if you know what I mean." He and Yuffie also seemed kinda close, but we're ignoring that for now and we're watching Larxene try to solve the puzzle.
Rae - Remember, Larxene, you only have 5 minutes. Once you reach 5 minutes, we're taking you out and sending the next one in.
Sam - Ready, set, go! It's time to run. The sky is changing, we are one. Together we can make it - (smacked by Rae) Sorry, I just love Bill! TOKIO HOTEL!! (rabid fangirl twitch)
Rae - START ALREADY!! And try not to electrocute anything.
Larxene - Yeah, whatever.
3 minutes and 59 seconds later, Larxene calls out Done, and came out of the room, laughing her ass off.
Sam - So next we have (checks official looking papers) Sora! FAIL IT YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAIN CHARACTER!! ASDFJKL!
Rae - (whacks Sam with FoD (refer to TokyoFreak's story, Kingdom Hearts Therapy for explanation on the FoD)) I said no more insults!
Sam - Just get your puffy ass in there, Sora.
Before entering the room, Sora stuck his tongue out at Sam and flipped the birdie.
Sam - THAT'S IT! KIWI NINJA POOF!
And Sam continued with a merciless beating, leaving Sora only a bloodied pulp. He was rushed away by paramedics, put back together, and brought back to complete the challenge. Sam was poofed away, and put in a straightjacket for the rest of the challenge. 4 minutes and 45 seconds later, Sora came out, laughing harder than Larxene had been.
Rae - Because Sam has been deemed crazy, I'll be announcing. Next we have (checks Sam's official looking papers) Demyx. Get in there, you wimp!
Sam - Leave Demyx alone!
Rae - She's going crazy!
Paramedics rush in, and stab her with a needle labled In Case Of Cra-zee Authoress. Sam passes out.
Rae - Huh. I'll have to remember to use that.
The contestants looked at her with fear in their eyes. Demyx then rushed into the room so that he could escape the psycho authoress. After 4 minutes and 50 seconds, Demyx came out, trying to hold himself together. He ended up peeing his pants, much to Rae's amusment.
Rae - Okay, so next we have Riku. Do a smexahy job! I mean, good job!
Riku looked at Rae, dry-heaved, and ran into the room. Two minutes later, Riku came out with a smile on his face, which was bright red.
Axel - Wow, Sir Emo-A-Lot is smiling and blushing? We need a camera for future blackmail.
Then, Rae poofs into the room with a camera and takes an assload of pictures.
Rae - I'll send these to you later, Axel. (poofs back to the screen) So, now it's Kairi's turn. Good luck!
Sam (who's medicine wore off) - Yeah, you'll need it you worthless plot device.
Rae - (whacks Sam with FoD) Next time, it's more medicine. I won't be mean to Demyx if you'll be nice to Sora and Kairi.
Sam - Yeah, as much as I'd like for you to leave Demyx alone, I can't do that.
Rae - I won't bring out Pooh plushie...
Sam - Sorry, but I hate Sora so much that I'll endure Pooh plushie to cause him pain.
Rae - Whatever. Good luck Kairi! (takes out 50 Pooh plushies and dumps them on Sam) TAKE THIS!
Sam - (cowers in fear) So...many...creepy bears...It's like being hugged by the Princesses at Disneyland. (screams crazily and gets another shot)
Rae - I hope that one's extra strength.
Kairi smiles at Rae, glares at Sam, then walks into the room. Only 90 seconds later, Kairi was back out of the room, laughing.
Kairi - That's a good look for you, Cloud!
Cloud - What?
Kairi - Nothin', just wait 'till you solve the puzzle.
Rae - So, the time to beat is 1:30, set by Kairi! Yay! Now, it's Cloud's turn.
Cloud - What was she talking about?
After 5 minutes, Cloud walked out, horrified.
Cloud - How did you get that picture?
Sephiroth - What picture!? If it scares you, I want it!
Sephiroth tried to rush in, but was cut short when Authoress Rae sent him into a crazed tapdance.
Sephiroth - Damn you...
Rae - No cheatin'! Now, we have Cid.
Cid ended up failing as well, using up all 5 minutes. He came out, laughing.
Cid - Kairi's right! That is a good look, Cloud! Hey, Miss Rae, can I get a copy of the picture?
Rae - Well, sure, I guess...Alright, your up Marly.
Marly solved it in 3 minutes, actually blushing (and not just from laughing).
Marluxia - (smacks Cloud across the face) You bitch! How dare you use my private stash of tho - nevermind.
But, before he can reach his seat, Aerith and Tifa grab him and beat him up for hurting Cloud. Rae popped popcorn as she watched. When Tifa and Aerith had finished, Marluxia had been reduced to a flowery and bruised puddle. The paramedics managed to fix him, though.
Rae - Alright, you're next Axel.
Axel - Finally! I gotta see what everyone's talking about.
Axel ended up failing, trying too hard to see the image without actually solving the puzzle. But, as all losers got to, he was shown the image, and proceeded to come out with his face as red as his hair from laughing.
Axel - Very glamorous, Ms. Strife.
Then, like Marluxia, Axel was beaten up by Aerith and Tifa.
Rae - Good thing Sam isn't awake - Aerith and Tifa would've been ground into the carpet. Next, Sephy!
Sephiroth - Call me that again and my Masamune is going to be good friends with your skull.
Rae - Meep!
Sephiroth got the next best time at 1:35. He came out laughing as well, and it almost sounded non-evil.
Sephiroth - I can finally beat you, Cloud! Though I hope it's not at cross-dressing.
Instead of beating Sephiroth up, Aerith just took out her white materia again, and Sephiroth ran away screaming like a ninny. Once again.
Cloud - Yeah, beat me. Right.
Rae - Anyways, it's Big Boo - Teef's turn.
Tifa- WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME BIG BOOBS?! THEY AREN'T THAT BIG!!1!one!!
All the while, Beetlejuice had been watching the contestants' reactions (and Tifa's boobs) with a smug smirk on his face.
Beetlejuice- Hyuk hyuk...
Sam (awake by now) - Why are you so happy Beetlejuice?
Beetlejuice - No reason, babe.
Sam - Never call me that again (evil un-dead glare of DOOM!)
Beetlejuice- Yowch, angry?
Sam - Yeah, just a little, you perverted...
Then, all that was heard was unidentifiable profanities
Tifa finally came out, taking 2:45.
Tifa - I don't remember giving out any of those pictures. Who gave them out?
All of the people that went to the Girl Party (Tifa, Aerith, Yuffie, Rae, Kairi, Larxene, and Marluxia) said that they didn't, even though Yuffie, Rae, and Aerith didn't know what they were talking about.
Sam - Whatever. Aerith, you're next. Try not to explode when coming out.
Rae - Nyea, or we'll have to use Sam's "In Case of Cra-zee Authoress" needle on ya!
Aerith- Will I get Authoress powers?
Sam- No, those are ours alone.
Aerith- Aww...
Aerith came out with a time of 2 minutes, a good time, but not good enough to win.
Sam - Okay, now it's Xigbar's turn.
Xigbar - I finally get to understand why Cloud is now Ms. Strife.
Xigbar's time came to 5 minutes, a total fail. But, he was laughing the hardest so far.
Xigbar - I hope your playing Strip Poker later, Cloud; we need to make sure that you're still a dude.
And Xigbar drew his guns on Cloud's fangirls before they could touch him.
Sam - Go Xigbar! (waves a flag between her teeth) Hey, can I get out of this straightjacket?
Paramedics - NOE!!
Sam - (pouty de pout)
Rae - Luxord, go on in.
Luxord - Fine'ly!
At 4 minutes and 15 seconds, Luxord finally came out. He didn't dare to say anything, though. Aerith and Tifa were guarding Cloud to prevent further teasing.
Sam - Ninja Yuffie! Go kick butt!
Yuffie - (high fives at the screen)
Sam - (forgets she's in a straightjacket and tries to highfive. Ends up falling off the stage.)
Rae - Go ninja thieves! (actually high fives Yuffie, who was laughing at Sam)
2 minutes and 30 seconds later, Yuffie came out, her face looking as if it were going to explode because her smile was so big. She high-fived Beetlejuice, then took her seat.
Sam - Oooookaaay, then. Beetlejuice, your turn.
Beetlejuice - Got it, babe.
Sam - I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT!!
Beetlejuice - You're in a straightjacket now, so I can call you what I'd like, babe.
Sam - GET ME OUTTA THIS THING NOW!!
Paramedics - NEVA!!
Sam flailed about, yelling out strings of Glyphian and Aquarian curses at Beetlejuice. The paramedics gave her another In Case of Cra-zee Authoress shot, and she passed out.
Beetlejuice ended up failing, unable to figure out the puzzle.
Beetlejuice - Damn, that puzzle was hard. And I made it! Shit!
Yuffie had thrown one of her ninja stars at Beetlejuice's head, barely missing.
Yuffie - You idiot!
Rae - What are you talking about? THIEF NINJA POOF!
Sam - KIWI NINJA POOF!
Rae and Sam where in the living room now, Sam free of her straightjacket.
Sam - God, I'm stupid...
Rae - Yeah, but I luff you anyway. But, back to business. What are you guys talking about?
Beetlejuice - Ya see, I got ahold of a picture of Cloud at the Girl Party and made a puzzle out of it. My 'business' was switching the puzzles. Ain't I a genius, babe?
Sam - STOP CALLING ME THAT!!
And Sam went Kiwi Ninja on the corpse's ass.
Rae - For switching out the puzzles, Beetlejuice and Yuffie are disqualified! Which means that Kairi is the HOH!!
The majority of the houseguests were happy for Kairi, giving her hugs and congratulating her, then Kairi was directed up to the HOH Room, where her prize was a truckload of candy! After eating about half of it, Kairi hatched a plan.
Kairi - I'ma gonna rig the cards during the poker game later, so Cloud and Tifa lose...XD So much fun!
Then, Kairi skipped away happily to go let everyone in on her plan. Well, everyone except Cloud and Tifa of couse.
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SB - Damn, I think this is our longest chapter yet.
TF - Too bad, I like it.
SB - Yeah, especially Kairi's little plan. Bound to make things a little interesting.
TF - Next chapter is the Strip Poker game, the Food Competition, and the nominations.
SB - Oh, and don't tell us who you think should be nominated or anything like that. TF and I already drew the names and have it all planned out.
We've also made this chapter a computer overloading jumbo chapter, so enjoy!
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I the last chapter, we had the HOH competition, which Kairi won. It was a puzzle, which Beetlejuice and Yuffie had rigged by switching out the pictures of Rae and Sam with a pic of Cloud in makeup and drag at the Girl Party. They were disqualified. Kairi had come up with a plan of sorts (because of her sugar high) that involved the upcoming strip poker game, Luxord, Cloud, and Tifa. We'll turn our cameras on her to find out what her "dastardly" plan was.
Kairi (talking to Aerith and Yuffie in HOH room) - Okay, so here's the plan! I'm gonna rig the cards, so that when Luxord deals, everyone will get a good hand, 'cept Teef and Cloud.
Aerith - Oooh, I love it! Cloud... (TF - Yeah, so I think Aerith's completely checked out...)
Yuffie - Yeah, it'll be 'specially funny once Big Boobs loses a few times. Talk about fan service!
Kairi - What's a fan service?
Yuffie - I'm not sure exactly, but Authoress Sam was talking about it, and she used Leon, shirtless, and fan service all in the same sentence, so I'm guessing that it -
Once again, the poor ninja was silenced, this time by Aerith.
Aerith - Yes, we understand. (releases Yuffie)
Yuffie - (silent) MEANSMAKINGFANGIRLSHAPPY!! (smiles) Oopsies, guess it just slipped out.
Kairi - Okay, back to my Evil Fanservice Plan!
Yuffie - Hey, how 'bout we also rig Sephy's hand?
At the mention of the name Sephy, a Masamune that oddly resembled the one Sephiroth had with him 24/7 came through the door and thunked into the wall. The girls shared startled glances.
Yuffie - Okay, strike the Sephy-... roth plan.
Kairi - Yeah. Let's go let Luxord know.
So, they went off to the Gameroom, where Luxord was already setting up for the game. They went through the same conversation with him, minus the flying Masamune, and Luxord agreed to help wholeheartedly. Then, Riku walked into the room.
Riku - I overheard your plan.
Kairi - Oh, Riku! (sweat) Uh...are you gonna tell? (now sweating a lake)
Riku - No, actually. I want in.
Yuffie - Sure! (knocked down by Luxord, Aerith, and Kairi)
Riku - If not, I will tell.
Aerith - Fine...I guess we don't have a choice.
SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP...
Now, everyone including Sam and Rae, and excluding Larxene and Marluxia (who are in their room having a girl's party again) was assembled at the table, some wearing their regular attire, others bundled up as if it were the dead of winter (the others being Sephiroth, Cloud, Tifa, and Demyx). And, we also had Axel, wearing nothing but a Speedo, and our authoresses both had extreme nosebleeds.
Luxord - So, is everyone ready?
Both murmured and enthusiastic yes's were heard. Luxord dealt out the first rigged hand. Axel was first.
Axel - It takes a real man to do two things. 1. Wear only a Speedo to a strip poker game. 2. Go All In.
And with that, Axel pushed all of his chips into the table. Kairi, Aerith, and Yuffie shared glances - Yuffie was next.
Yuffie - I'm feelin' lucky. I call.
Yuffie was All In as well. Riku was next, and he folded his cards. Everyone else around the table folded, not wanting to lose.
Sam - SHOW TEH CARDS!
Yuffie - Pair of Aces
Axel - Pair of Twos
Sam - You went all in on a pair of twos? THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN BEAT!!
Rae - Does this mean he strips? (TF- I'm not very familiar wit poker.)
Sam - (pulls out a box of Kleenex) Yes, yes it does. (Sam and Rae plug up their noses)
Axel - Fine.
So, he stood up and ripped the Speedo off (TF - In a blaze of fiery glory!). Sam and Rae passed out from blood loss.
Luxord - So, does that mean they're out?
Sam - Nope! (Ninjas recover fast)
Rae - Yeah, deal us in!
Luxord dealt out the next hand, and Yuffie was first, her chips doubled.
Yuffie - Hm...I bet 50 munny.
Everyone called her bet, and it was time for the flop.
Yuffie - 100 munny!
People were calling, then when it got around to Cloud, he raised.
Cloud - 150.
Then, Tifa raised it again.
Tifa - 200.
(SB - Okay, this is getting boring. We're doing another time skip.)
SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP...
As we rejoin the group of poker players, they're stats have changed quite a bit.We have Sora, who's now only in his shorts, Riku, taken out of the game for running out of clothes (Rae passed out again from blood loss), Kairi was only in her undergarments (Sora passed out there), Axel was still there, naked and proud (and still holding the buckets that were filling with Rae and Sam's blood), Luxord was in his Org. XIII breifs, Demyx had ran out of clothes, then run away like the sissy he is, Xigbar was naked, Yuffie was still fully clothed, Aerith was in the same state as Kairi, Cid had run out of clothes and run away like Demyx, Sephiroth was down to his normal clothes, Sam still had her shirt, and Rae was in her (TF - Oh-so-skimpah) NASCAR bikini which she refused to take off, Cloud had only his pants and whatever was underneath, and Tifa was down to just her undershirt (guess who everyone was trying to make lose ;-).
(SB - From now on, we're just going to tell you who won and who lost so this doesn't end up being an extremely loooooong chapter.)
For the first round, Tifa won and Cloud lost. The deck wasn't rigged anymore; the Fanservice plan was already in action.
Tifa - Stand up, Cloud.
Cloud unwillingly stood up, already unbuttoning his pants. What else was there?
Tifa - Yeah, that works. Nice boxers.
Cloud had swords printed all over his boxers (Sam had another nosebleed while Cloud was taking his pants off. (SB - So sexay!!)
Next round - Kairi wins and Sora loses.
Kairi - Pants!
Sora stood up and tried to be graceful as he revealed his 'I Heart Kairi' briefs, but ended up falling down.
Kairi - Aw, that's so sweet! You wear briefs with my name on them! (hugs Sora, Sora nosebleeds)
Next round - Tifa win and Yuffie loses
Yuffie - Seriously?! I lost!?
Tifa - Yup! Off with yeh shirt!
Yuffie complied, and revealed a training bra.
Sam - XD Yuff's flat!! I even have bigger boobs than that!! (smacked with the FoD and Yuffie's ninja stars)
Next round - Aerith wins and Sephiroth loses
Sephiroth - Aw, shit.
Aerith - But he's oooollld. I don't wanna see him naked...
Sephiroth - HA SHE FORFEITED! I DON'T HAVE TO LOSE ANY CLOTHES!
Aerith - No, I never said that. I just said I don't want to see you naked. No shirt for Sephiroth! (temprarily leaves room)
Sephiroth grumbled a string of Glyphian profanities (SB - Wait, how the hell does he know Glyphian?), but took his shirt off anyways (Sam had an involuntary nosebleed; for an old guy, Sephiroth was verah sexy).
Next - Luxord wins and Kairi loses.
Luxord - But it feels weird making a little girl lose her clothes. Xigbar! Get me meh booze so I don't feel guilty!
Luxord got hammered quickly, then faces Kairi. Rae drunk the remainder of it and was quickly hammered also.
Luxord - Off with the 'hic' braaaa!!
Kairi unclasped it quickly, then sat down. Sora held back a nosebleed.
Sora - Can I have another hug, Kairi?
Kairi - Sure! (hugs Sora, Sora passes out from blood loss)
Riku - What about me, Kairi? I wanna feel teh- I mean, I need a hug, too.
Kairi - No! If you wanna be pervy, ask big boobs for a hug. (Tifa smacks Kairi in the back of the head)
Next - Kairi wins and Rae loses.
Kairi - Wait, but I thought you weren't gonna take anything off.
Rae - What'cha talkin' bout? Hell yeah I'm takin' smuthin' off.
Kairi - Okay then, whatever you want.
Rae fumbles with her top, while turning to Axel.
Rae - Axel, I need a hug!!
Sam - Damn you, Rae... (Takes out a stolen In Case of Cra-zee Authoress needle and jabs Rae.)
Rae- X.x
(TF - I don't think we should go 'till everyone's naked. We'd have to make it rated M.
SB - Yeah, I think your right. So, we'll make (draws name) Sephiroth the winner!
TF - Oooh, ooh, tell them about the hand where Cloud won and Tifa lost! We have to do that hand.
SB - Yes, you're right.)
When Cloud had won and Tifa lost, we'd all voted that because Tifa had a pair of three's and Cloud had a Royal Flush, he got to take off her shirt for her. This led to the two of them running off to The Pink Room for some reason no one ('cept Yuffie maybe/definitely) will say.
Yuffie - They hooked it up!
Sam - Shut the freakin hell up! We know what they did! (smacks with a kiwi)
Sam then went to make sure Demyx hadn't fallen and killed himself in the attic, and Demyx tried to seduce her (very, very, unsuccessfully). He ended up looking like a tiny version of Hugh Hefner on drugs. Kiwi smacks followed.
Beetlejuice had watched the entire game on his big moniter, and was laughing like a drunken horse.
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SB - Well, we'd planned for the poker game to be shorter, so we'll jus' tell you who was nominated: CID AND BEETLEJUICE!!TF - Yeah. Hey, are you gonna tell them what everyone else did?
SB - Meh, why not? So, Kairi and Sora ended up running off like Tifa and Cloud; Axel tried to get Sam and Rae to come back to his room for him, but the authoresses had tried to refuse, but Larxene then came in and shocked Axel (even though we sent her into a ballet dance. BALLET!!); Luxord was still hammered and offered to sleep with anyone; Xigbar, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid, Riku, and Rae all went straight to bed;
TF - So, we'll get the next chapter up as soon as we can. Bye!