Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition
By: TokyoFreak and Sugar-tan
TF: Intro Time!!1!
SB: Nice...anyways, yes, it's Intro Time.
TF: (twitch twitch)
SB: Okay, then. I guess I'll do the intro. Seeing as we already told you who was nominated (and I got TF with a In Case of Cra-zee Authoress), we'll skip over the nomination ceremony and go right to eliminations!
TF: TURTLES WILL RULE THE WORLD!!
SB: So while I dump out the rest of TF's Mexican Coke so this doesn't happen again, we'll go ahead and start the story.
TF: NOOOO!! NOT THE MEXICAN ONES!! WHAT ABOUT MY HERITAGE?!
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Previously on : Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition. The house got together for a strip poker game in an effort to prank Tifa and Cloud, ending with a bunch of new couples arising. The next morning, the Nomination Ceremony was held, and Kairi (HOH) nominated Cid and Beetlejuice (SB: Why? WHY YOU STUPID PLOT DEVICE!? I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL - (Is cut off when TF stabs her with a ICoC-ZA Needle), because Beetlejuice cheated and tried to look up Kairi's skirt, and Cid was being sexist. Again. For the millionth time. So now we rejoin the house where our authoresses, Sam and Rae, are sitting where Julie Chen used to be before she went 'missing'.
Sam: GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED CLICKER-THINGY!!
Rae: DON'T MAKE ME GET WINNIE THE POOH OUT HERE!
Sam: BUT I WANT THE CLIKER-THINGY! (steals it) HA-HA!!
Rae: (gets out a Pooh plushie) FACE THE YELLOW TEDDY BEAR!
Sam: (beats the stuffing out of the plushie with the clicker-thingy) Boom-Boss!
Rae: (pulls a lever, raining Pooh plushies onto Sam) PWNAGE!! DON'T MESS WITH MY CLICKER-THINGY!
Sam: (is buried under yellow fuzzy doom) SAVE MEEEEEE!!1!!one!!
Random Sora Fangirl Population: DIE FOR INSULTING SORA!! (more Pooh death)
Sam: Damn you, you whores...I'M TALKING TO YOU TO, RAE!!
Rae: But I'm not a Sora fangirl. I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Sam: (finally free of Pooh doom) I still say Jacob doesn't really exist.
Rae: (more lever pulling and Pooh doom) YES HE DOES!! HE RUINED ONE OF MY SHIRTS!
Sam: (free of Pooh doom again) Oh, yeah, that's the way to show your love. Anyways, let's get started. (clicks) HELLO HOUSEGUESTS!!
A few hellos come from the large monitor, and a group of rabid fans stand up from the audience, cheering wildly for Axel. Sam ditches her seat and joins them, only to tell them one thing.
Sam: Did you know that with a little Photoshop, he looks like Bill Kaulitz? (rabid Tokio Hotel fangirl twitch)
Then, all the fangirls scream that they love him even more if that was really possible, and Sam is dragged back to her seat by Rae. Sam had also forgotten to turn off the clicker, so Axel overheard what Sam had said.
Axel: Who's Bill Kaulitz? And why does he look like me?
Sam: Actually, Axel, you look like him. He was born September 1, 1989, and you were born - er, created - a while later. Oh, and this is Bill. (pulls out her cell phone, which is loaded with Bill and Tom. Axel twitches)
Axel: He looks like a chick...
Sam: (twitch) DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU TO THE FUCKING FIREY DEPTHS OF HELL WHERE JOHNNY THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC WILL MAIM YOU!! DIE!!
Axel: That sounds kinda fun. (wanders off while Sam gets beaten up by the Axel fangirls)
Rae: And seeing as my co host as been virtually killed, I'll take over this announcement. Go ahead and vote, or whatever. TURTLESWILLRULETHEWORLD! Bai now!
Everyone goes into the room thingy, casts their votes, and Sam fights back the Axel fangirls just in time to hear the verdict.
Rae: And here's how the votes went. Beetlejuice...(dramatic pause)...3. And we can all guess who voted for him. (pointed looks at Aerith, Tifa, and Cloud)
And Cid...(another dramatic pause)...the rest of the house. Cid, you have 5 minutes to pack your things, say goodbye, and get your ass out here or we'll forcibly remove you from the premesis.
Sam: And by forcibly remove, we mean we'll use flamethrowers. (pulls out flamethrower with Chakram trigger and Axel wig)
Axel: That's just creepy.
Sam: Thank you!
Cid comes back into the main room with his few bags.
Yuffie: Bye Cid! Tell Shera hi!
Marluxia: Don't ever make fun of Pink again. Her songs rule!
Sam: Wow, now I have a sudden urge to go murder Pink, even though I loved her 5 seconds ago...(remembers Pink's music video for So What) Nevermind.
Demyx finally comes down from his prison in the attic, and sees that Cid is leaving.
Demyx - Does this mean I don't have to live in the attic anymore? Woot!!
Everybody who lived with Cid - NOOOOOOES!! WE'RE GONNA DIE A WATERY, MUSICAL, MULLETY DEATH!!
Demyx - (pouty de pout)
Sam - Aw, that's okay. Yes, you get to live with them now instead of the scary attic.
Demyx - (dances with random Dancer Nobodies that popped up)
Sam - Okay, then. (looks around) Cid! Where did he go?
Rae - He's right here. (points to a Cid sitting right next to Sam)
Sam - Oh, okay. Here's where Julie would interview the loser and say that they'd be on the Good Morning Today in America show, but because Julie's on "vacation", we're skipping that. Buh-bye Cid!! (kicks the sexist bastard off screen where he's hauled away by the paramedics who double as security for the show)
After a few minutes, everyone has gone back to their rooms, leaving Rae and Sam alone with the cameras which are feeding suburbia mind-rot to teenagers across the world.
Rae - Now we're going to give Beetlejuice his assignment for the week.
Sam - Yeah! (clicks a button, switching the view to a sleeping Beetlejuice, snoring loudly.) WAKE UP!! (starts singing loudly and badly)
Beetlejuice - Augh! Shut up with Germanese!!
Sam - TOKIOHOTELPWNAGE!! Okay. (deep breath) Good news! We have your first assignment!
Rae - It is...(dramatic pause)...TO POKE LARXENE'S ATTENAE!!
Beetlejuice - That's all?
Sam - Yup! 'Cept you'll probably get burned to a crisp. Bye!
Sam and Rae dissapear from Beetlejuice's monitor, and he falls asleep again. A few minutes later, they switch their camera view to the Tatami Room, where they'd overheard some distrubing news.
Larxene - Little bastard...(paces the room)
Marluxia - That must've hurt him. But, of course, I wouldn't know.
Yuffie - Yeah, cuz you got no balls!!
Marluxia - How many times do I have to tell you? (takes out the pink plastic bouncy-balls)
Yuffie - Not that kind!
Larxene - (smacks Yuffie) Shut up! Don't make my mood worse. That undead dude just tried to poke my hair -
Yuffie - You mean antennae -
Larxene - (smacks Yuffie again) my hair, and he got what he deserved.
Marluxia - He deserved an electrified kunai to the place where no light shines?
Larxene - YES HE DID!
Yuffie - That was really funny.
Sam and Rae come in on the monitor.
Rae - As much as we're loving this conversation, it's time for The Food Competition!
Sam - So get out into the main room!
Sam comes onto the loudspeaker, conjuring up her full lung capacity.
Sam - TIME FOR THE FOOOOOD COMPETITIIOOOON!! GET INTO THE BACKYARD NOW, MAGGOTS!!
Rae - What are you, Albel?
Sam - No. I don't wear man skirts.
Rae - IT'S A SARONG!
Sam - Riiiight...Sarong. Coughcoughskirtcough.
Rae - Don't make me get the Pooh Plushies of Doom. Again.
Sam - Let's just get into the backyard.
The two authoresses poofed into the 'backyard', which wasn't even a backyard. The paramedics/security/ninja decorating team had turned it into a giant kitchen.
Rae - Today you will be baking. Not cooking, baking.
Sephiroth - What's the difference?
Rae - Cooking is like making dinner. Baking is desserts.
Sam - Yeah, so you're all makin' us some sweets!!
Rae - Yup! We'll be taste testing the food you make, and the best ones won't be on slop. The worst ones will. We've decided that there will be seven winners, and the rest of you will eat only bland, tasteless oatmeal for the rest of the week. ONLY THE OATMEAL! And there will be some "special" ingredients added to it.
Sam - So get cooking, maggots!! BTW the HOH is safe and will eat normal person food no matter what.
As Rae and Sam started bickering over Sam's use of the word 'Maggots' and 'Cooking', the houseguests started baking.
SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP!! (TF - Yay Woops!!)
Everyone has finished their dishes, and it's the moment of truth. Now, our authoresses will taste each dish and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. The seven with the highest scores will be saved from The Slop (a.k.a. Sam and Rae's Special Oatmeal of Doom and Stomachaches)
Sam - First, we have Cloud! Bring us the yum!
Cloud brought up his dish, which looked like a few brown lumps.
Rae - What is this shit?
Cloud - I call it 'Chocobo Chocolate Mud Pie'!
Sam - Oh my god, you made chocolate out of a chocobo?! What the fuck is wrong with you, man!?
Rae - Sam, that's just it's name. And you're tasting it.
Sam doesn't know what she should eat the lumps with, and decided on a spork (SB - a combination of the two most handy utensils!). Timidly, she took out a chunk of the goopy mass, and put it in her mouth. She spat it back behind her chair and it landed on a security/paramedic, then exploded on his face.
Sam - I give it a -500 Billion!! That was horrible!
Rae - (recovering from her laughter) Okay, next we have Teef.
Sam - You mean Teet, which sounds like the word for nipple, cause her boobs are ginormus!!
Rae - Whatever, just bring the food, Teef.
Tifa - (glaring at Sam) It's '7th Heaven Specialty Irish Ice Cream'.
Rae - Okies! Irish num num time!
Rae digs into the ice cream while Sam holds back fits of giggles. Rae finishes the entire thing, then slumps down in her chair.
Rae - 1 (hiccup) Million!
Sam - Why did you just eat that if you knew it was spiked?
Rae - I ain't lettin' you have the (hic) lickur...you'd do somethin' stooopid. (starts twirling around and shouting 'Lover's Twirl Twirl Time! Tequila!')
Sam - Yeah, I'd be the stupid one...Okay, next is 'No-Balls' Marly.
Marluxia comes up to the authoresses table glaring, but sets his tray down anyways.
Marluxia - I made Creme Brulee (said with a French accent).
Sam - Yeah, nice job, ya little fag. Seeing as Eriru over here is hammered, I guess I have to eat it.
Sam, once again, has to spit it out. And it once again explodes, this time on Sora's face.
Sam - Oh, sorr-! Wait, nevermind. Hey, Marly, give me more of that to spit at Sora!
Marluxia - No!
Then, Rae twirled into Marluxia and his Creme Brulee of doom fell on Sephiroth, blowing his face off. The Masamune and Marly became lovers then, and Marly had to be taken away for a while for reconstruction.
Sam - That means he's disqualified and is on slop. Well, he would've been anyways because his food was shit and exploded. Now, it's Larxene. Come up here, Power Circuit!
Larxene brought her food up, narrowly avoiding the twirling doom that Rae was.
Larxene - I made Roasted Dona- I mean, Roasted Duck. Most certainly not a Disney character that happens to be a duck, nope!
Sam - Whatever. Rae's still smashed, I get to eat the roasted bird.
Sam took a bite of the bird, then scarfed the entire thing down in the next 2 bites.
Sam - On a scale of one to ten, it's a Million Kajillion Trillion Billion!! That was awesome! I didn't know Larxene could cook...
Sam sat Rae down and forced Xigbar up.
Xigbar - I tried to make a cake, but I got pissed. (holds out a pile of frosted mush with a few bullet holes in it)
Rae - (Immediately sobers up at the sight of the "cake", which had just moved) GYAAAAHHH!! It mo-oved!! I can't eat that!!Sam - I had to have the 'Chocobo Crap', so you eat this!!
Rae - (eyes the thing known as "cake") DOWN TEH HATCH!! (swallows in one bite while holding nose)
Sam - Are you dead yet?
Xigbar - See? It's not so bad!
Rae - GYAAAAAHHH!! I feel it moving in mah tummy!! ARE GASTRIC ACIDS NOT ENOUGH TO DESTROY THIS FOUL BEAST?!
Xigbar - Uhhhhhh... Demyx poisoned it!! I swear!!
Demyx - Did not!!
The medics had to rush Rae away for a stomach pump. The next thing that moved, she said, Sam had to eat.
Riku - I guess I'm next. I made sugar cookies.
Sam - ME!! i AM NAMED SUGAR!!
Rae - No. I just ate a living creature, and these look good, so BACK OFF.
Riku - Hope you like.
Rae - Of course I will! (10,000 volt smile) Itadakimasu!!
Sam - Please let her explode, pleasepleaseplease...
Rae - KYAAAAAAA!
Sam - Are you exploding?!
Rae - These... are the best...cookies ever! (faints from love!)
Next up was Sora. Unfortunately for Sam, she had to eat whatever he had made. Sam was a sad authoress.
Sora - I tried to make a cobbler, but...
Sam- GYAAAAHHH!! It moved!! I can't eat that!!
Rae - That's MY line!! Eat u-hup!
Sora - Does it really look that bad?
Rae and Sam - Y.E.S.
Sam - And I refuse to eat it. One - I don't want a stomach pump. That wasn't on the agenda for today. Two - I HATE YOU!! Why would I ever dare even spit at anything you made?
Rae - If you don't eat it, Sora wins.
Sam - That is true, but if I do eat it, I get sick and he loses. Hmm...decisions, decisions...
Rae - Hey, I'm fine, and you have an iron stomach.
Sam - Fine. But if anything goes wrong, you and Retard there are both dead.
Sam tried the cobbler, and threw up everything she'd eaten, which came out in a very chocolaty mess (SB - That's probably what would happen. Chocolate is the major food group in my diet!).
Sam - Little bastard... (chases Sora around, burning his pants with her Axel flamethrower.) TAKE THIS, MR. I HEART KAIRI BRIEFS!! YOU RETARD! HOW ARE YOU THE MAIN CHARACTER?? HELL, MANSEX WOULD BE A BETTER MAIN CHARACTER THAN YOU!! AND YOUR NOBODY, ROXAS; WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM!? BRAIN-DEAD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T REPRODUCE - YOU'RE THE RESULT!! I -- (is cut off by an extra strength dose of ICoC-ZA and put in a straightjacket)
Rae - Sorry Sora. Since I had to knock her out, you get a 0.
Sora - (pouty McPout pout)
Rae - Next is...Yuff! Sam, wake up, it's still your turn.
Sam just snored on seeing as she was given an extra strenght ICoC-ZA.
Rae - Fine, I'll do it.
Yuffie - I made some Rice Pudding!
Rae - Yum! Gimme.
And Rae scarfed down the entire bowl.
Rae - I give it a 9.5.
Yuffie - Why didn't I get the other .5?
Rae - Because I'm not a big pudding fan.
Yuffie pouted a bit, but settled for her score nonetheless.
Sam (finally awake) - Who's next, Rae?
Rae - (looks at papers) Axel. And it's your turn.
Sam - Yay!! Come here, Bil - I mean, Sexa - I mean, Ren -, I mean, Axel! Yeah, Axel! That's the right one.
Axel walks up, seeming almost embarrased, and reveals a charred glob of mush that was smoking.
Sam - Um, what was it supposed to be?
Axel - Baked Alaska. But I baked it too long.
Rae - They should call it Burnt Alaska from now on.
Sam - (smacks Rae) Don't make fun of Bi-Se-Re-Axel's food.
All of a sudden, the cake burst into flames and threatened to burn down the entire house. Luckily, the paramedics/security/firemen put it out.
Sam and Rae - Is there anything those guys can't do?
Sam - Since I can't eat it, it has to be disqualified. Sorry. Next, it's Luxord.
Luxord walks up in his sexah British swagger, and reveals yummy looking crumpets (SB - Whatever the hell a crumpet is).
Sam - Yay! Finally, something good! All I've had is Larxene's duck that ISN'T Donald.
And Sam wolfed the crumpets down.
Sam - I can't think of a number right now. You're somewhere between Tifa and Larxene.
Luxord - Yes! (skips off merrily to his Gameroom)
Rae - But...he's not Marluxia.
Sam - No, no, he's just happy. Next, Rae has to eat Beetlejuice's food.
Beetlejuice - I made an undead pie. (an arm sticking out reaches for Rae's throat)
Rae - No way! (shoots it down with a machine gun)
Sam - (pokes the pie) It's a Ms. Lovett pie, 'cept a million times worse. Haha, you have to eat it!
Rae - (shoots the pie into oblivion with a bazooka) Yum, it tasted horrible.
Sam - Aw man! I wanted to show that to Tim Burton!
Rae - And next is...Aerith! Dazzle me with something good.
Aerith - I made rasberry tarts.
Rae - Those are my favorites! I love you, now gimme!
Rae ate everything, including the little tray the tarts were on.
Rae - I give it a million.
Now, everyone who got a score under 5, who's food was disqualified/blown up/shot into oblivion, you're all on slop. The rest of you are fine.
Sam - NOW GO BE HAPPY!! OR DIE!! THEN WE'LL GIVE YOUR CORPSE TO BEETLEJUICE TO BE ANOTHER UNDEAD PIE!!
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SB - I think that's a good place to end this chapter. I'm really tired, so we can do the...whatever...thingy...tomorroww...(snores)
TF - While SB is asleep, I'll take this moment to tell you to go read Johnny the Homicidal Maniac! Kiddies, it will teach you about life!
SB - Poor Squee...C'mon Devi, give him another chance...stop yelling...
TF - You can see that SB likes JtHM. And 'Nny is smexay! (Twirls again)
SB - Keep that up and you'll be 'Nny's next victim...
TF - Yay! Fun fun!
SB - Won't be so fun when you're disembowled with a spork. Wait, what's Alucard doing here? No, don't hurt 'Nny, Alucard! Auuugh!! So...much...sexy people blood...
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SB - So we lied!! We're continuing this chapter!
TF - Hypocrite.
SB - Well your a hippocampus!!
TF - I'm not a horse fish thingy!
SB - Right. Let's just get on with the HOH competition.
TF - Still continue reading Johnny the Homicidal Maniac!
SB - Or JtHM, if you prefer. It's shorter!! Anyways, we'll go ahead and draw the winner now. Read on to find out who was chosen!!
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We rejoin the houseguests at breakfast the next day, and are watching them bitch about the various problems with their slop. The ones that got real food are seperate so they aren't disgusted by the losers' food.
Axel - (throws up a flaming pile of crap) Sorry. I had to start a fire within myself to kill it and get it out of me.
Xigbar - Well at least you didn't have to shoot your food down, man!!
Axel - At least I'm not stoned 24/7!
Then Xigbar started chasing Axel around the house, firing at him, and Axel ran backwards trying to burn the Freeshooter's face off. The rest of the Slop Group watched for a few minutes, then went back to their sad attempts of choking down the slop.
Sam and Rae - POOF!!
Sam - QUIT WRETCHING, YOU WIMPS! It's time for the next HOH competition!
Rae - So into the backyard with you! The winners had a lovely feast of their choice and are already in the backyard waiting.
Sam - SO HURRY UP!
And the duo poofed away.
When they poofed back in, everyone was in the backyard, standing around like idiots. There were sets of stands labeled with everyone's names and a mini whiteboard resting on top of the label.
Sam - Everyone in your places!!
Rae - Except Kairi. She can't participate because she was the HOH last week.
Sam - Here's how this game will work. It's Kingdom Hearts -- er, I mean, World Trivia! Yeah, we'll go with that. Rae and I will ask you a question, and you write your answer down on the whiteboard. If you get the answer correct, you get to stay in the game. If not, YERRRRRRRR OUUUUUUUUUT!!
Rae - She has an addiction to Caps Lock. Let's get started!
Everyone took their places, except Sora and Demyx. Those two idiots got themselves mixed up.
Rae - Oh, whatever, it works. First question --
Sam - What is Xemnas's nickname?
Rae - Everyone should get this one right.
Sam - SHOW BOARDS!
The group held up their boards, and our authoresses checked their answers.
Sam - Yay! No one's out!
Rae - That's right. The correct answer(s) were Mansex and Sexman! Next question --
Sam - What 2 holidays do Halloweentown attempt to celebrate?
Rae - If you miss this one, your an idiot.
Some people wrote down their answers immediately, but Demyx, and Sora had to think for a few minutes.
Sam - Show boards!
Everyone except Demyx and (kinda) Sora had the correct answer. Demyx said 'Halloween and New Year's'. Sora drew a picture of a pumpkin and a Christmas tree (SB - A very bad one, at that).
Rae - Demyx is out, and I guess we'll have to give that one to Sora.
Sam - Damn you...(shakes angry fist)
Rae - Now, now. Don't make us get the straitjacket. I even had it monogrammed!
Sam - DAI!! (chases Rae around with Axel flamethrower)
Paramedics - SHE'S OVERLOADING!! TAKE COVER!
Sam's head began smoking and a small POP was heard, and then...
Marluxia - Is that it?
Larxene - No, there's more... TAKE COVER!!
Yuffie - OH GAWD SHE'S GONNA CAUSE A NUCULAR EXPLOSION!
Beetlejuice - So? I'm a ghost. I can survive that.
Kairi - BUT WE AREN'T!! DIE YOU UNDEAD FREAK!! (chases Beetlejuice with a meat cleaver)
Beetlejuice - Uh oh.
Sam - SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Rae - There's your explosion.
(SB - Please note - I have iron lungs, and I get really, really, really, really, really, really loud, so if you haven't actually heard me scream at my full volume, you probably won't understand why that scream is an explosion. I'll try to get a clip of me screaming on YouTube soon so you can understand.)
SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!!
Rae - And the winner is...
Sam - Cloud!! Come up here and get the keys to your new room, Smexay!
Cloud - Just toss them to me. (cowers from the fangirlness)
Sam - Fine...
Tifa and Aerith - (weeping) No! A week without Cloud! Noes!!
Sephiroth - Deal with it.
Aerith - (throws a ton of white materia at Sephiroth)
And Sephiroth ran away screaming like a ninny for the 3rd time.
Rae - That never gets old...(pops popcorn)
Sam - Now go be happy with your moosey fates!!
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SB - Okay, this is the real end of the chapter.
TF - Next chapter is Big Brother Fast Forward, where two houseguests will be going! Hey, what was with the Moosey Fate thing?
SB - (shockandawe) Invader ZIM!!
TF - I know, but why?
SB - I dunno. I've been addicted to watching that lately. (rolls around like GIR)
TF - Me too. (joins the rolling) EVERYBODY DO IT!
SB - Now I'm off to get my piggy, eat some walnuts, give some hugs, and make some waffles and bacon soap!
TF - TEQUILA!