Chapter Three

Lochlyn had granted her two weeks leave, and the time moved swiftly. In the letters Lauren had written to Susan over the years she had tried to imply that her life was full with work and friends – she hadn't wanted her to worry. There was no question that they needed to return and Nadia promised Susan that they would visit again soon.

It was amazing how quickly a person could adapt to their circumstances. It was already beginning to feel as though Nadia had never been gone. Maybe it was easier for her because Nadia was no different – she was completely unaltered given that for her time had stopped.

It clearly was not the same for Nadia; there were times that Lauren would catch Nadia looking at her with a mixture of surprise and concern. They rarely spoke about the ways in which Lauren had or hadn't changed, because Nadia knew that it was a sensitive subject. Early in the visit Nadia had commented on how Lauren was a little more serious than she used to be, and Lauren had snapped back at her that five years on the compound would have that effect. She'd felt awful afterwards that she hadn't been able to hide her resentment.

By the end of the visit Lauren had convinced herself that everything was going to be okay. Her longing for Bo had not dimmed in such a short time. Truth be told, she felt a thrill every time she even thought about seeing her again. She couldn't wait to get back and make contact, even if it was just to return the car. However, she told herself that if she kept her distance and behaved properly, her attraction would fade in time. Bo would move on to somebody else, and it would hurt her to witness it but it would be better for everyone in the long run.

Lauren felt a surge of optimism as they drove back to the compound. They were listening to music, the sun on their faces and the wind blowing through the open windows. If she were honest with herself she had never hated working for the fae; it was fascinating and challenging and she felt privileged to be allowed into their world.

Of course Lochlyn's treatment of her had been despicable. She would need to be strategic. It was important that she would have to learn how to anticipate his moods and strike up a better relationship with him. The fact that he had saved Nadia indicated that he could be reasonable. The fae just had their own set of rules, their own sense of justice, and it was just about unlocking it.

"What are you going to do about Bo when we get back?" Nadia asked her.

"How do you mean?" Lauren replied after holding her breath for a moment. They had both studiously avoided the topic for the last week or so, exhausted by the long and tearful conversations they'd had in the first days after Lauren had come clean.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"Well I'll have to return her car," Lauren avoided.

"Don't, Lauren. You know what I'm getting at."

Lauren knew her voice sounded shaky when she began talking, and she tried to keep it out of her voice. "Yes, I'll talk to her about us," she promised.

They returned Lauren's apartment, and Nadia set about unpacking their suitcases as Lauren left to drive the car back to Bo's. Lauren had cringed inside at the worried look on Nadia's face, knowing that she was going to see that look for a long time whenever she needed to see Bo. She'd explained to Nadia that they would still need to maintain a good working relationship. She'd pointed out that a lot of cases Bo consulted with her about were important, and that she couldn't just stop helping. Nadia had reluctantly said that she understood.

Lauren's stomach was fluttering by the time she reached Bo's door. When Bo opened it and appeared looking utterly stunning and extremely happy to see her, the fluttering became a full on hammering.

"Hey," Bo greeted her. Lauren noticed as Bo's eyes flicked over her shoulder, looking to see if she were alone.

"It's just me," Lauren confirmed. Bo smiled at her and she gave a small smile back. Even without Nadia watching Lauren felt self-conscious. Her resolve was breaking; suddenly she just wanted to get away before she made a fool of herself. It was difficult to even just look at Bo's eyes and at that hopeful smile.

"Thanks for the car, she actually ran pretty well," Lauren said stiffly, holding out the keys.

"Anytime. Why don't you come in, have a drink? Kenzi's abandoned me for her new boyfriend. I could use the company," Bo joked.

Lauren agreed, explaining that she couldn't stay too long. Now she sat awkwardly on the couch while Bo opened a bottle of wine. She felt far too comfortable in this place; there were too many memories crowding around her. Not to mention she hadn't been able to resist running her eyes over Bo's body as she'd followed her inside. Some of her habits were going to be hard to break, she thought glumly.

"So, how was your trip?"

"Good, it was good. So Kenzi's already getting serious with that guy from your party, huh?" Lauren said lightly, playing with her hands in her lap.

Bo bought their glasses over towards her and sat next to her on the couch, far too close for her to feel at ease. She moved back slightly, pretending that she were just shifting her weight.

"Yes, she's disgustingly happy, it's great. Of course I miss her, but she would have been miserable if she'd stayed here while -"

"Bo -" Lauren placed a hand over Bo's and then removed it instantly. It was dangerous to touch her. "We should talk."

"I know," Bo said, looking down at the skin Lauren had touched, sadness passing over her expression.

Lauren picked up her wine and took a sip from it, buying herself some time. She had no idea what to say – she found herself in the position of trying to break up with someone she wasn't even dating. So much between them had always been left unsaid; the last thing she wanted to appear was presumptuous. If she thought she could get away with saying nothing she would gladly do that. Then all she had to do was think of the way Bo had touched her hand when she'd last been here and she was reminded that they needed to clear the air. They had a connection that needed to be severed, that was the fact of the matter.

"I'm sorry," Lauren blurted out.

"What are you apologizing for, exactly?" Bo said, their eyes locking onto one another's.

"I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to say . . . I've just made a lot of mistakes. I want things to be okay between us," Lauren fumbled.

"You think of what happened between us as a mistake?" Bo was no longer looking at her. She was gazing into her wine glass dejectedly. Bo was always so vibrant and full of life that it hurt Lauren to see her looking so deflated. As usual she had put her foot straight into her mouth.

"No, of course not," Lauren said emphatically. "I just – you're really important to me Bo. But I'm with Nadia, for good. I hope that doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

"Have I acted as though we couldn't be?" Bo said with an edge of anger coming into her voice, but she was looking at Lauren sadly. "I think I've been a pretty good friend to you lately actually."

"Of course you have," Lauren said. This was turning out to be even worse than she'd been anticipating. A lump had began to form in her throat and she was becoming even more tongue-tied as a result. "Maybe I should go. I just wanted to tell you that I care about you, a lot, but that we need to keep things a bit more professional from now on." She put down her wine glass and started to rise shakily.

Bo got up so that they were facing one another. "I get it, you know. If you're trying to make sure I know you're in love with Nadia and you that don't feel that way about me, you didn't need to say it."

Lauren stared at Bo, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. Her fists tightened and she relaxed them, realizing that she'd felt like putting her arms out to hold Bo. What Bo had gathered might be what she was supposed to be saying, and it was certainly what Nadia would have wanted her to say, but it wasn't what she wanted at all. She couldn't even begin to talk about how she really felt, and that was why she was having trouble saying anything at all. Losing the battle with herself she put her hands out to Bo's shoulders, stroking them while she fumbled to find words, then touched the side of Bo's face, brushing hair behind her ear.

There were so many things she would say if she could. I never meant to hurt you. I was serious about you, the whole time, and you were always the best thing about my day. I want you so much I can't even breathe around you. And most terrifyingly, I'm starting to get scared that it's only you that I'm in love with.

Lauren felt her eyes welling up and knew that she needed to get away before she crumbled. She looked away from Bo's look of concern, which existed despite her own anger and hurt. Lauren yanked her hands away and started to move.

"Lauren, wait . . ."

Lauren didn't turn around and she didn't look back. She couldn't stand there and lie about how she felt; the only thing to do was to run.