Thank you very much to everybody who reviewed. :)

-

"One," Kisame intones, before purposefully locking eyes with the other four men around the table.

Itachi's hand tightens into a fist.

"Two."

Deidara's visible eye twitches in a rather convulsive manner.

"Three."

Hidan utters a soft prayer to Jashin-sama for luck.

"Shoot!"

Within the blink of an eye, all of their hands have met in the center of the table, after forming into the symbols that will, ultimately, determine their individual fates.

"Two scissors…one rock…one paper—"Kisame begins calculating, before he is rudely interrupted.

"What the fuck is that?" Hidan screeches, gesturing animatedly at Itachi's hands. "That's not legal!"

All eyes swivel to the Uchiha; when Deidara discerns what, exactly, the object of all the controversy is, he gives an unusually high-pitched yelp and nearly leaps into Tobi's arms. Tobi handles this gamely, and pats the blonde missing-nin on his immaculate head. "There, there, Deidara-senpai," he soothes, attempting to rock him gently. "It's just a cute little cockroach!"

The cockroach in question waves its feelers in the air inquisitively. Itachi smirks, thoroughly satisfied with himself.

Deidara has taken refuge behind Tobi, who pats the cockroach lightly with his pinky finger. "Please do not look so angry," he implores Hidan, who looks infuriated enough to burst a blood vessel. "It is an innocent creature!"

"I demand an inquiry!" Hidan bellows at Kisame, before pointing an accusing finger at Itachi. "This rite is practically fucking sacred, and he violated it!"

"Don't be juvenile," Itachi replies, bored.

"Inquiry!"

Deidara recovers enough to grab a spatula, and advances on the cockroach in Itachi's palm, looking positively manic.

"Shut up!" roars Kisame, and all activity within the Akatsuki kitchen falls to a standstill. "Itachi," he says, returning to his normal, moderate tone. "Explain your reasoning, if you will."

"It is elementary, really, Kisame. My recreational studies have concluded that in the event of nuclear warfare, these insects will be the only objects that will survive and remain healthy. Therefore," he concludes, eyes glinting triumphantly. "The cockroach trumps all."

A few moments of utter silence greets this declaration. "Now, now, Deidara-senpai," Tobi reassures gently, while attempting to wrest the spatula from Deidara's grip. "Violence is never the answer…"

A statement of this caliber shocks Deidara into relinquishing his weapon. "You're in Akatsuki, un," he replies blankly, staring at his partner. "Violence is supposed to be the answer."

"Elementary, my ass!" Hidan retorts, before turning again to Kisame. "The Uchiha loses."

"Actually," Kisame scratches his head sheepishly. "In accordance with the terms of an official inquiry, he justified his answer in a fully sane and rational manner, without using any violence or hurtful language. Therefore, Hidan, the task falls to you."

"Fuck!" Hidan howls, and the rest of the kitchen winces as he storms out, while complaining at the top of his lungs about 'damned partiality and bias' all the way up the stairs.

Kisame collapses into the nearest chair, heartily wishing for some Vitamin Water. "…Do you think we should send reinforcements?" he asks, at last.

"That should not be necessary. Despite his, ah…temperament, Hidan is fairly capable." Itachi glides over to the kitchen window, opens it, and slides the cockroach on the windowsill, where it promptly scurries away, glad to be returning to a place where there is some sanity.

Deidara breathes a heartfelt sigh of relief. "Goodbye, little Wickham!" Tobi calls after it.

Itachi, Deidara, and Kisame all fix him with incredulous stares. "You named it?" Deidara sputters.

"What kinda name is Wickham?"

Itachi just shakes his head disapprovingly.

Tobi shrugs, his sunny disposition unaffected. "It just fit."

Silence falls over the small group, broken only by Deidara's rummaging through the fridge in search of the peppermint ice cream, so that he may soothe his troubled nerves.

That is, until the loud, agonized scream rents the still air.

Tobi jumps and shrieks, Deidara drops the bin of peppermint ice cream, Itachi whirls around, the Sharingan already spinning, and Kisame jumps up, his hand going to the massive sword strapped to his back.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

Each word is screamed with a noticeable increase of volume and agony. "Oh, it's just Hidan," Kisame says dismissively. "Never mind, then."

"Kisame-san!" Tobi exclaims, stunned. "We must attend to him! He sounds very distressed."

"I dropped my peppermint ice cream, un," Deidara says fretfully, as he attempts to dust off the ice cream bin.

"Nobody cares; that's some nasty shit, anyway," Kisame scoffs.

"I agree with Tobi," Itachi mumbles.

All focus shifts to him, as Deidara and Kisame halt what promises to be an excellent debate over preferred flavors of ice cream in favor of staring, completely astonished, at him. Tobi looks highly emotional. "Oh, Itachi-san! I knew we would come to an agreement, someday!" He rushes over to give the Konoha missing-nin a hug.

"Don't," Itachi warns, and Tobi retreats, looking quite disappointed.

This time, Hidan positively wails, and the four remaining Akatsuki members lose no time in rushing upstairs. Well, Itachi stalks upstairs, generating his customary threatening aura, and Deidara and Kisame hurry to follow, while Tobi brings up the rear, humming action music of his own composition.

When they reach the hallway that the prisoner's room is located in, Itachi, surprisingly enough, stops dead, causing Deidara and Kisame to collide into his back, before crowding to fill the narrow space, and Tobi rams right into all of them, before standing on his tiptoes in a frantic attempt to see better.

"What the hell, un?" Deidara asks, rubbing a sore elbow.

This question doesn't take too long to be answered; the door to the medic's room is open, Hidan is curled against the wall, praying frantically and bleeding from a rather suspicious locale on his person, and the Leaf kunoichi herself, who is clutching a bloody pen and bracing herself against the wall, glaring menacingly at the rest of the Akatsuki. "Don't come any closer," she snarls, with what is surely false bravado, "or you'll end up the same way."

Kisame catches his breath, horrified. "You didn't."

" – With a pen, un?" Deidara practically cringes, his hands unconsciously drifting to guard area.

"I did," Haruno Sakura says grimly.

Itachi is considerably less intimidated than his peers; he steps forward. "Put the pen down, kunoichi."

One look at him is enough for Sakura to recognize the man. Her eyes widen, partly from stunned recognition – and partly out of sheer disbelief. "Are those real Dior?" she asks, astonished.

Behind the sunglasses, Itachi blinks once. "Yes. They are."

"Excellent," she breathes, baring her teeth at him. "I'll make sure to take them with me shortly, then."

Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi's wide-eyed gazes swing from her back to Itachi. "Oh no she didn't, un," whispers Deidara.

Itachi removes the sunglasses, tucking them into his cloak securely. When he looks back up at the kunoichi, his eyes shine with the crimson-and-black light of the Sharingan. "Over my dead body."

Then, Sakura smiles. It is a scary smile, and, save for Itachi, every other man shudders with apprehension. "That was the plan, actually." Recklessness and lack of chakra be damned, she lunges toward him—

And, as her fist is a hairsbreadth away from connecting with his jaw, her path is obstructed by a rather strange and swirly orange mask. Sakura's eyes widen with surprise, and at the last possible second, she pulls the punch. "Please do not hurt Itachi-san! He's very sensitive!" The new voice implores, latching its arms around her in a formidable grip. "And please don't castrate the rest of us! We're all very nice people and we're going to be your new best friends!"

Sakura screeches and claws at it, to no avail, before she realizes that said formidable grip isn't a horrible, rib-crushing and internal organ-imploding death jutsu – it's just a hug. A very affectionate hug.

Kisame smacks his hand against his forehead, his normal composure shattered by the ridiculous sight in front of him. "What the hell, Deidara! You're his partner; you were supposed to train that stupid impulse out of him!"

"I tried, un—"

Hidan pulls himself up to a standing position with a groan and several pained entreaties for mercy to Jashin-sama. "Just watch, little pansy-ass artist-boy," he says, pointing accusingly at the beleaguered Deidara. "She's going to escape or something, and go back to that little village and tell her people, and before you know it, the whole goddamn world is going to think that Akatsuki is a bunch of wimpy, huggy little fucktards!"

Itachi sighs and puts his sunglasses back on, wondering if it would be at all possible to apply for a transfer.

At last, Sakura figures out that the best way to get this – this orange monstrosity off of her may be to hug him back. She reciprocates tentatively, and her assumption had been correct; it releases her, its demeanor returning to a bubbly sort of happiness. "Nice to meet you, Sakura-san," it says cheerfully.

In the interests of courtesy, Sakura offers it a painful sort of smile. "Nice to meet you too – ah, what's your name?"

"My name is Tobi," it says, hugging her again. "Tobi is a good boy!"

While his comrades are busy sulking amongst themselves and quietly wondering if Leader-sama would be too upset if they abandoned their contracts while they still had some amount of dignity left, Itachi observes the change in the deranged pink-haired kunoichi's countenance; her expression morphs into one that would look fitting while regarding a particularly cute puppy, as she regards Tobi and willingly submits to another hug.

"What the hell?" she explodes, soon after she extricates herself from Tobi's grip. She throws the orange-masked missing-nin behind her, as if to protect him, and then stares down the rest of the Akatsuki. "Did you kidnap this poor boy, too? Because I will tell you, right now," Sakura advances toward Deidara, the nearest available victim, and pokes him in the chest with the bloody pen. "I will never allow myself to become inducted into your…stupid little club!"

Kisame chokes on his indignity. "Stupid little club?"

Deidara throws his hands up and goes to retreat behind Hidan. "We did not kidnap him, un! He's actually a violent, fierce, ruthless killing machine!"

Sakura throws an incredulous look over her shoulder at the violent, fierce, ruthless killing machine in question, who has pulled out a large daisy from his cloak, and is now busily drawing a smiley face in the center with Magic Marker.

"Bullshit!" she yells. "Look at him! What kind of self-respecting psychopath would act so…cute and innocent!"

"Tobi would, un," Deidara replies darkly. "Appearances are deceptive – he nearly killed Itachi during his induction."

Sakura takes a step back, startled, and then gives the Uchiha a measuring look, as if saying, Okay, then, maybe I can take you.

In the next second, Itachi's fingers have closed around Deidara's throat. "We swore not to ever, ever speak of that incident again," he says, with a sort of dangerous calmness.

Heedless of the consequences, Kisame gently takes Itachi by the collar and removes him from Deidara, who has closed his eyes and begin reciting some of Hidan's prayers from memory. "Breathing exercises?" he whispers.

Itachi looks as if he would protest, but at last, inhales and exhales in a rather reluctant fashion.

"Very good," Kisame prompts. "Don't forget the chanting."

"Om," Itachi intones dangerously.

Kisame releases him, beaming proudly. "Very good!"

Meanwhile, Deidara tries to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.

Hidan sighs. "I'm surrounded by fucking idiots," he says, to nobody in particular.

Sakura takes in the tableau of insanity around her with wide eyes. "Why," she asks, with deceptive calmness, "am I here?"

A few moments of silence greet this question, until, finally, it is interrupted by a distant beeping. Much to her discomfiture, Sakura nearly jumps a foot in the air, half expecting it to be some kind of horrible clay bomb that will rip her to a hundred little pieces.

"Oh!" Tobi exclaims brightly, before dashing past the other occupants of the hallway, and down the stairs. "The brownies are ready!"

"I…had better tend to those." Kisame is gone in the blink of an eye, scurrying after him – well, as much as a massive, blue shark-man can scurry, anyway.

"Fucker!" Hidan yells, quite beside himself. "Tend to them, my ass! You always eat the best corner parts!"

He follows suit, leaving Deidara standing awkwardly between Itachi and Sakura. He chances a look around. "Brownies sound good, un," he echoes meekly, trailing downstairs.

Sakura blinks. "Well," she says, suddenly uncomfortably aware that she is occupying the same immediate space as the most notorious criminal that has ever come out of her village. A psychopathic, clan-killing, sadist is standing across the hall from her, and showing absolutely no interest in going downstairs to sample the brownies that the rest of his freakish comrades are threatening to kill each other over.

"…Don't you want brownies?" she asks weakly. It is quite an inane thing to say, she supposes, but then, they hardly had 'How To Engage In Intelligent Conversation With Psychopathic, Clan-Killing Sadists' classes at the Academy.

Itachi stares at her for such a long time, his expression rendered completely inscrutable by the Dior sunglasses that cover the majority of the upper half of his face, that Sakura wonders if he had been too busy basking in the delights of his high-class fashion to hear her.

"I dislike brownies."

Sakura recoils; experience has given her a deep distrust of anybody screwed up enough to dislike sugary desserts. She takes a deep breath, regaining her focus. "…Why am I here?"

Itachi toys with the idea of being mysterious and infuriating, but in the end, he taps one darkened lens of his sunglasses with his perfectly manicured, purple-painted finger. "You are going to restore my vision to its optimal capability," he says tonelessly.

Sakura crosses her arms over her chest, returning to her combative posture. "No."

It is a strong reply, given without a hint of hesitation or reluctance or even thought; just the typical knee-jerk reaction of any shinobi asked to aid their enemy. Still, it is so rarely that Itachi is refused, that he blinks behind the sunglasses. "What?"

"No." Sakura glares at him. "Let me make myself clearer. I'd rather die than fix your eyes."

"That can be arranged."

Sakura scoffs, leaning against the wall. "Fine, then. Tie me to a chair and subject me to the idiocy of your teammates for a few days straight, and that should do the job just fine."

Itachi removes the sunglasses and activates the Sharingan, advancing toward her; despite her bravado, it is an intimidating sight, and Sakura cannot help but take a small step back. He smirks his satisfaction. "Let us be serious, kunoichi. Either you restore my eyesight, or you will die. But before you die, I will turn you over to Hidan. He may use far too much profanity to be considered socially acceptable, but he is an extremely skilled interrogator. And," he pauses, savoring his absolute power over her in this moment. "Your apprenticeship to the Godaime Hokage is common knowledge. I am sure you hold knowledge of many things that we would find – most valuable."

He has her cornered, well and truly cornered – literally, as well as figuratively – and Sakura knows it. Itachi can see this realization dawn in her eyes, and he allows a slight smile to touch the corners of his mouth.

"Fine," she replies, defiant even in defeat. Sakura tilts her head back to look him in the eye – when had he gotten so close to her? "But there's one condition."

Itachi raises an eyebrow. "And that would be?"

"The sunglasses," Sakura retorts, taking a step forward; she isn't backed up against the wall anymore, thankfully, but now she is close enough to him to practically feel the cold and frightening aura emanating from his person. "When I leave, I'm taking them with me."

Itachi retreats half a step; a startling condition, indeed. "Perhaps," he allows minutely. "But only if you behave yourself."

Sakura places her hands on her hips, fighting the urge to snarl, while debating the answer to a very important condition – dignity and death, exposing important state secrets in the process…or Dior sunglasses and life?

"Fine," the kunoichi sighs, resigned to her fate.

Itachi opens the door to her room. "Very well, then. We will begin tomorrow."

Unfortunately, the troublesome girl doesn't make a move to return to her holding cell; she crosses her arms over her chest stubbornly. "I haven't eaten since an hour before you captured me."

Itachi sighs almost inaudibly. "…We have brownies, peppermint ice cream, ramen, and vitamin water."

Sakura walks into the room without argument, although she can't resist tossing him a wicked look over her shoulder, as well as a thoroughly underhanded parting shot. "Vitamin water? What kind of fruit drinks vitamin water?"

The door slams behind her, and as he stalks down the hallway, Itachi cannot contain his deep, heartfelt shudder.

He hears her laugh echo after him, and the Uchiha prodigy makes it a point to stomp on Tobi's discarded daisy on his way down the stairs.

Again, thank you so much to everyone who commented on the last chapter. :) Oh, and since I make it a habit to come up with songs that kind of fit with my fics – Let It Rock, by Kevin Rudolf, is the official theme song for the Akatsuki; otherwise known as the catchy action theme that Tobi is fond of singing. And of course, there's Love Lockdown, by Kanye West; the track that inspired this whole story. More to come later. :D

Feedback appreciated!