Chapter Six

Lauren's hands were trembling by the time she knocked on Bo's door. It had crossed her mind several times that it was fortunate this was all happening very fast, she was not sure otherwise that she would have been able to go through with it. As it was she was terrified to talk to Bo about this – her mind had been flooded on the way over with all of the experiences and sensations she was about to lose. She felt too numb and in shock to cry.

"Hey," Bo said as she opened the door. She greeted Lauren with a smile but then looked at her seriously. She no doubt had assumed Lauren just wanted to talk more about Nadia; God if only that were the case.

"Can I get you something? Coffee, wine?"

"No, thank you. Can we sit? I don't have much time."

"Sure," Bo agreed. Her eyes narrowed as she finally noticed the box Lauren was carrying. "What's that?"

Lauren put it on the coffee table in front of them as they settled onto the couch. She hesitated, unsure about whether to tell her what it was right away or lead in with something different. If she'd had time she would have planned what she were going to say. This was going to be one of the hardest conversations she'd ever had, and she'd been too shaken up to figure out how to approach it. "It's the things for your formula," she said before she had time to get lost in her head again.

"Are you going away somewhere?" Bo said, realization dawning on her face.

"In a sense," Lauren laughed nervously and then took a deep shuddering breath. "Lochlyn has offered us our freedom. He told me what you did for us. I – I don't know what to say."

"It's okay," Bo said, putting a hand on Lauren's shoulder soothingly. "Just slow down for a sec. That's good news, right? He's not as evil as we were thinking he was. So you're free, and you guys are going away for real now?" Her voice broke a little over the last few words.

Lauren put a hand over her face, her fingers shaking. Bo was like Nadia in some respects – she had learned a lot about the fae world since she'd come into it, but she still had a kind of naivete about the way things worked.

"Bo, it's not that simple."

"Okay, so tell me? What has he done?" her voice took on a harder tone. Lauren could guess that she were already thinking of how she were going to march over there and sort this out for her. It would be endearing if there were any chance at all that it could happen; seeing as there wasn't it only made her feel sad.

"We've accepted the conditions, Bo. We had to agree to a memory wipe so that we won't have any knowledge of the fae," she watched Bo's face as understanding started to pass across her expression. "The process has already been started. Come tomorrow, I can't see you anymore."

"Because you won't remember me?"

Lauren quickly explained the process as simply as she could, which was no easy feat seeing as it had taken her so long to wrap her mind around it herself. She almost couldn't look at Bo – her eyes had filled with unshed tears. By the time she was finished they'd spilled as Bo had begun to weep. She'd seen Bo close to tears before but she'd never seen her actually cry, and it made her feel utterly heartsick to know that she was the cause of it.

She moved closer to Bo on the couch and wrapped her up in her arms, holding her close. She stroked her hair softly, whispering words of comfort to her, but she was dangerously close to crying herself. Bo felt so soft against her, and holding her felt so right. Another memory she automatically clutched close to re-live later; only the horror was that this time she wouldn't be able to do that.

"I hate that it has to be this way. But I'm begging you Bo, you have to abide by the rules of the exchange. Once I'm wiped, you can't try to contact me or meet with me or anything. If you even saw me on the street you'd have to pretend you didn't know me. Do you understand?"

She felt Bo nod against her, and then abruptly she felt herself being pushed away. "You should have come to me. Maybe we could have worked out another way." Lauren saw that she was angry and was unsurprised. She was running through the stages of grief after all. She reached forward and put her hands in Bo's hair, making her turn to look at Lauren. She wanted to give Bo time but it was the last thing that she had; and she needed to be sure before she left here tonight that Bo had accepted all of this.

"Listen to me, Bo. If I'd thought there were any other way I wouldn't have done this. But you know how rigid the Light can be. They wouldn't have let me go otherwise and I would have been working for them forever, living under The Ash's rule. I might have had more freedom than I have lately, but I still wouldn't be free. I had to consider Nadia in all of this."

Bo swatted her hands away, pulling back. She'd stopped crying now and Lauren could see that she was full-on angry now. "Don't touch me."

"Okay, Bo," Lauren said softly. "I don't know how else to explain this to you. Please just stop and think about this for a moment. I know you're upset but please don't be angry with me. Try to put yourself in my shoes. Even with you being unaligned you have choices that I don't have. I'm just a human."

They sat for a long while in silence, Lauren watching while Bo stared off into space looking utterly wretched. "Can you at least stay with me for a while?"

Lauren tentatively put her hand onto Bo's knee and Bo allowed it. "Of course I can. I have to be there by 4am." She looked at her watch. It was only early evening, they still had several hours. "I'll stay with you until I absolutely have to go."

Any other time she'd have been worried about the consequences with Nadia – but what difference did it make now? She called to tell her and when Nadia tried to protest she told her firmly that it was necessary. Nadia could say whatever she liked but she wouldn't even remember it tomorrow, Lauren thought bitterly.

When she'd called Nadia Bo had discreetly gone to another room. When she returned she appeared to have washed her face and composed herself somewhat.

"I'll respect your wishes, Lauren," she said. "I can't pretend that I'm okay with it, but if it's what you want then I know there's nothing I can do. . ." she shrugged hopelessly.

"Come here," Lauren said. She held Bo and they rocked back and forth. Even if she wouldn't remember it she wanted to experience it – she just wanted this, now. She took in the smell of Bo's hair and the way Bo's soft breasts were crushed against her own.

"I feel like you're dying or something. At least I'll know you'll be okay. I hope you'll be happy, Lauren. You deserve it," Bo said. She pulled back a little to look into Lauren's eyes, and Lauren knew instantly that something had changed between the two of them. It had flared up between them instantly, the sparks that always flew when they were together.

"I want you to be happy too. You're so special Bo, you're going to meet someone." They were still standing close, Bo's hands on her shoulders and her hands at Bo's waist.

"Ha, oh no I'm getting resigned to being alone. I don't have the best luck in case you hadn't noticed by all the dead bodies and cursed ex-boyfriend," Bo said self-deprecatingly.

"You will. And when you do, they're going to be so lucky. My god will they be lucky," Lauren said. Bo was giving her a smouldering look and Lauren cleared her throat, moving away. She knew that she wasn't being fair. It might be easy for her to talk like this, to act all flirtatious, because she would never have to do the work of trying to move on. If Bo's feelings were anywhere near as strong as her own then it would be much harder for her.

She tried to ignore Bo's look of disappointment. She moved away to sit back down on the couch. There were a few things she needed to say, things that she'd always thought there might be time for later. Things she'd tried to say and failed so miserably at.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course," Bo said, settling down beside her. She was gazing at Lauren, making her feel like she was the most important person in the world as usual.

"I'm just really sorry about the way things have played out. I wished I'd done things so differently. When I mentioned mistakes last night I could never have meant you. I just wish I'd been more careful with your feelings. I should have confided in you instead of letting you hear it from someone else – about Nadia I mean. I've been an ass sometimes."

Bo looked like she was considering it, then shook her head. "Don't think like that. I wouldn't change a thing. If you'd told me earlier then maybe we would never have – um, you know. There some are things I wouldn't trade for the world." She laughed nervously and Lauren nodded in agreement, her face flushing.

They sat in silence for a while.

"It hurts like hell to see you two together, you know."

Lauren couldn't look at her for a moment. If only Bo knew how much it hurt Lauren, too. She had tried to be oblivious to Bo's wounded looks and the jealousy that had radiated off of her from time to time. She'd always wanted to reach out to her when she saw her like that, but it was easier for everyone if she pretended that it wasn't happening. "I'm sorry for that, too."

"While we're playing truth or dare here, I want to ask you something. If Nadia wasn't in the picture, what do you think would have happened? I mean – would you consider me to be girlfriend material?" Bo asked.

Her tone was light but Lauren could read her anxiety. The thought that Bo could doubt it was laughable. But then sometimes she forgot how insecure Bo was when it came to relationships, which made sense in light of her lack of experience. Lauren had also often reflected on what it must be like for Bo to be so sexually appealing to almost anyone. It had to be a double edged sword. Her stunning looks and energy were so dominant - it meant that sometimes people never got to know the beautiful heart underneath.

"I meant what I said, anyone would be lucky to be with you," Lauren said. Off the slight look of disappointment on Bo's face, she amended, "I would be lucky to be with you. You'd be an amazing partner, Bo. You're one of the kindest and most generous people I've ever met. Of course I'd be with you if I could. If you wanted me to be, too." Lauren knew they were getting into dangerous territory, and her heart was starting to race. But she didn't want it to stop.

"What do you mean, if I wanted to be?" Bo said. The intensity of her eyes had gone up even more, and Lauren was starting to get lost in them.

"Would you? I always felt that if you had your pick, it would be someone more like Dyson. I know he's off the menu right now, but I'd always be your second choice, wouldn't I? You'd much rather be with someone fae, someone you didn't have to hold yourself back for." It was what she'd always assumed and had never said out loud. There was a definite liberation in knowing that what she said tonight was of little consequence now. It was over between them no matter what happened.

"That's not fair. I never had that choice. If you'd been freed like I was trying to do, we would've . . . look there are a million 'what ifs' we could talk about. But if you think I haven't been serious about you, then you really have no idea," Bo said passionately, working her way up to being angry. "How could you even talk like that? Do you know how much you've broken my heart, more than once?"

"It hasn't been easy for me either. If you only knew how much I wish things were different," Lauren said, breaking eye contact. She'd felt numb all afternoon, running on adreneline, but she was beginning to feel herself break now. She sighed.

She could feel Bo watching her, and then Bo's hand was tenderly brushing against her hand and forearm. She caught Bo's hand with her own – she knew she shouldn't confuse things but she rubbed her fingers over the back of it, taking Bo's hand between her two own. She stared down at it, and then traced her fingers over Bo's wrist.

Finally she gained the courage to look at Bo again.

"Well while we're being honest, you know what I've never told you? The energy coming off you is distracting. It's very very high sometimes. Like right now," she said.

Lauren rolled her eyes. She pulled back her hand and swallowed hard, trying to pull herself together. She rubbed her palm over her jeans. "Jesus, I'm glad I won't remember that tomorrow. That's embarrasing."

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. And you've got it all wrong. I'd take having to hold back any day with you. I loved having sex with you, you must know that," Bo said, looking at her Lauren's face and no doubt enjoying her reaction. Lauren was practically squirming in her seat at Bo's words.

Bo leaned forward and moved to kiss her, but Lauren shrank back.

"Bo – this isn't a good idea . . ." she said, her voice shaking.

Bo came closer to her, and Lauren froze as Bo slid up against her and then moved until she was straddling Lauren on the couch. Lauren's breath had quickened. She knew she should push Bo away but she didn't know if she had the strength. Bo tasted Lauren's lips, her mouth soft and sensual against her. Lauren was already tingling all over.

"This is just going to make it harder. Stop it," Lauren whispered, having tried to not respond to the kiss, her lips remaining still. Bo had been rocking against her in a most delicious way, and now she ceased her movement. Lauren could see the wounded expression in her eyes, one she was becoming all too familiar with.

"I'm sorry – I just thought . . ." Bo said.

Lauren pulled Bo close to her, holding her comfortingly. "No, I'm sorry. I know I send you mixed signals. I want to, you have no idea how much."

"I'm not going to try to convince you. I just wanted to feel it with you again, one last time," Bo said into her ear, her closeness sending shivers down Lauren's spine.

Bo kissed her cheek and then rested her head against her. Although she might mean for it to be chaste, it sent something through Lauren. Involuntarily she grasped Bo's hips, her fingers biting into the softness she found there. She tried not to think about Nadia waiting at home for her. Part of her knew that this was always going to happen - and truth to be told she no longer had any desire to resist.

Bo's breath hitched at the feeling of Lauren grabbing her, and she moved against her once, agonizingly slowly. She drew back a little to look at Lauren, and Lauren bit her lip. Bo's breasts were almost at eye level and she stared at Bo's cleavage. She pulled Bo downwards and could feel Bo's hot breath on her lips, Bo panting hard and fast. And then it was happening. Bo kissed her hungrily, their mouths opening to one another's instantly. Lauren moaned into her, white light behind her eyes. Their hands were in each other's hair, and Lauren thought she might cry with the sweetness of it. This was what she'd been missing.

"Come to bed with me?" Bo urged.

"Yes."