Once again, thank you so much to everybody who reviewed. :) Oh, and to give credit where credit is due? Twilight is the property of Stephanie Meyer, the Twilight score is the property of the guy who made the Twilight score, Finding Nemo belongs to Disney Pixar, and Sakura's haiku for Itachi was taken from That 70's Show, in a quote from Hyde to Jackie. I love that show. :D

-

The first thing Konan thinks, upon her entrance directly into the middle of the Akatsuki family room, is that somebody has died. Tobi has his head buried in his beanbag, Hidan is clutching his rosary and praying under his breath, Kisame is cuddling his stuffed shark and looking disheartened, and Deidara actually isn't fashioning cherry bombs out of clay, which is alarming indeed. She slips her hand out of Pein's hastily, her clear blue eyes cataloguing all the members – Tobi, Deidara, Hidan, Kisame…Itachi?

"Where's Itachi?" are the first words out of her mouth, and the other men turn around quickly, evidently surprised to see her.

"Welcome back, big sister!" Despite his previous melancholy, Tobi bounds forward and embraces her tightly; after Konan pats his head several times, he looks up at her soulfully. "I am sorry to inform you that Itachi-san is – indisposed."

Pein's eyes narrow as he steps forward to survey his organization. "Did the medic not perform her job well?"

"If she didn't, I'll give her the worst paper cuts she's ever had," Konan vows grimly, releasing Tobi.

Kisame waves his hands agitatedly. "It's not that she didn't do her job well, Leader-sama," – he hesitates – "if anything, she did her job a little too well."

The Leader raises an eyebrow. "Explain."

"Uchiha's vision has been fully restored, un," Deidara chips in, unable to hide a small smirk. "He just got his heart ripped out and stomped on in the process."

Their status as leaders of the most notorious criminal organization in the world aside, Pein and Konan cannot suppress gasps of shock.

"Deidara," Pein chokes. "Please tell me you are speaking literally."

"Nope," Hidan cuts in. "Little red-eye fell fucking hard, and the irate kunoichi didn't exactly – reciprocate. Actually," he adds as an afterthought. "Nobody knows exactly what happened, but he came back with a hell of an ugly, fist-sized bruise last night, after he and Kisame returned her to Konoha."

Konan paces back and forth, half believing that this is all just some kind of twisted and elaborate prank designed to punish her and Pein for leaving them alone for the past two weeks. "Where is he?" she asks at last.

"Lurking in the basement," Kisame replies worriedly. "He's been there since we got back. He hasn't even come out for any Vitamin Water."

Pein runs his hand through his violently orange hair with a sigh; a depressed Itachi runs the risk of being rabid and highly dangerous. "Konan, come."

He sweeps in the direction of the basement stairs, Konan follows at his side, and Kisame, Deidara, Hidan, and Tobi trail afterward out of a sense of morbid curiosity, although Deidara tries his best to hide behind Kisame.

The basement is a dank, dilapidated, and thoroughly dismal and depressing place, furnished only with moldy black velvet armchairs. Itachi blends into the utter darkness well; the gleam of his crimson eyes is the only indication of his location. The rest of Akatsuki clusters into a small group at the base of the staircase, somewhat uncertain of what, exactly, to do – the last person who had attempted to speak to him (Deidara), had been splattered on the floor for the majority of the night.

Pein looks to Konan; taking the hint, she steps forward, approaching the S-ranked missing-nin tentatively. "'Tachi-chan?"

Luckily, Hidan manages to stifle his laughter at the nickname – hell, it was even worse than little red-eye – and Pein shoots him a warning look. "She always wanted a little brother, you know."

Hidan nods weakly and stuffs his knuckles in his mouth, just in case.

Itachi looks up at Konan and blinks. "Greetings," he says mechanically. "How was your mission?"

"Lovely; we tracked down and killed ten rival businessmen in two weeks," Konan replies automatically. "How are you?"

He looks up at her properly, then, and it takes all of Konan's self-control not to flinch. Hidan always had a penchant for exaggeration, but the bruise on Itachi's jaw really is awful-looking. Haruno Sakura's file had mentioned her superhuman strength, but punching the Uchiha Itachi in the jaw and getting away with it must have meant that the little Leaf kunoichi was something else entirely.

Completely at a loss, Konan looks through her customary mission bag, dislodging an impressive armory, more fancy paper than Deidara has ever seen at Michael's, a various array of poisons, a squeaky rubber duck that she had brought back for Tobi, and finally unearths a somewhat battered chocolate chip cookie, which looks as if it had seen much better days. She holds the cookie out to the Uchiha prodigy. "Eat it. It'll help."

For a moment, Itachi looks as if he would consider arguing, but at last, he accepts the cookie, and takes a delicate bite of it.

The Akatsuki watches with bated breath as he chews, for half a minute exactly, and then swallows it without comment. At that point, Konan, Pein, Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, and Tobi all exhale in relief.

Konan pats Itachi on the head gently. "I'll make some more, and then I'll call you up to eat, okay?"

Itachi nods wordlessly.

All six other Akatsuki members, their esteemed Leader included, then beat a hasty retreat upstairs to confer.

-

"Hot damn," Hidan explodes, as soon as they have reached the safety of the kitchen. "Little red-eye really does have it bad!"

Deidara shakes his head in wonder. "I never thought I'd see the day, un."

"Poor Itachi-san," Tobi says, nearly in tears. "I shall go and crochet him a nice, fuzzy sweater, so that it may warm his heart!"

Pein leans against the refrigerator, watching Konan hurriedly deposit a great deal of frozen cookie dough onto a tray and stick it into the oven, while wondering what kind of demonic entity could have thrown his most efficient member into such a state of sorrow. "Was it some kind of genjutsu?" he wonders to himself.

Kisame shakes his head sagely. "I doubt it, but she was a fiery one."

"She nearly castrated Hidan with a pen, un," Deidara supplies.

The gravity of the situation aside, Konan cannot help but smile. "Intriguing."

Hidan tilts his head to the air, sniffing slightly. "Shut up, everyone!" he hisses, suddenly alert. "He's coming!"

In the few moments that follow, everybody tries their best to assume innocuous – well, as innocuous as a house of renowned criminals can get, anyway – poses. Pein disappears behind the business section of the newspaper, Deidara immediately starts sculpting birds, and Hidan and Tobi quickly begin a game of Tic-Tac-Toe on a corner of the tablecloth.

Itachi steps into the kitchen cautiously, looking around at his comrades, who all appear to be trying very hard to pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary.

"Tic-Tac-fucking-Toe, bitch!" Hidan crows triumphantly.

Konan levels a disapproving look at him. "Hidan. Please refrain from calling Tobi that; he's a very sensitive boy."

Hidan wilts under the face of her displeasure. "…Sorry. I guess."

Itachi walks to the stove, his back to the others, and they all cease pretending to engage in their normal activities in order to stare at his back, while he stares at the countdown on the oven's screen intently.

Sensing their eyes on him, he swivels around sharply, and they all freeze guiltily.

Itachi sighs imperceptibly, before turning his attention back to the oven. "I assure you that I am quite all right."

Luckily, the oven chooses that moment to beep, saving them from the necessity of making a diplomatic reply. Konan twitches slightly, before pulling herself up from her seat gracefully, and, scorning the use of an oven mitt, pulls out the tray of steaming, soft, slightly melt-y chocolate chip cookies.

Deidara cannot stifle his soft moan of longing.

Pein lowers the newspaper and fixes him with a warning look. Therefore, Hidan, Kisame, Tobi, and Deidara do nothing but stare at the cookies, transfixed, as Konan places five of them on Itachi's plate, and pours him a cold glass of milk.

"Oh, fuck," Hidan murmurs, his eyes trained on the plate of cookies with an inordinate amount of desire.

Itachi nods his thanks to Konan, takes the plate and the glass of milk, and then disappears from the kitchen without another word, his sandals echoing softly as he goes off down the hallway.

"Damn, un," Deidara says at last. "Five cookies? Six in all, un…sugar is like crack cocaine to him!"

Kisame shakes his head, awestruck. "The last time he went through a great personal tragedy, all he had was two."

"Great personal tragedy?" Pein inquires.

"Deidara accidentally blew up his entire personal library. Itachi cried for like three seconds, broke Deidara's legs and ribs, and then ate two peanut butter cookies."

Konan takes a seat, privately amazed. "Honestly, I wish I had a chance to meet this Haruno Sakura. She sounds like an – interesting – sort of individual."

Deidara snorts. "You have no idea, un."

-

Meanwhile, in Konoha…

-

The first thing Sakura does, after making her report to Tsunade-shishou, and spending no less than one hour assuring her anxious teacher that she had suffered no torture, physical, emotional, or mental, while under the care of the Akatsuki, is head down the Tower, in search of the Interrogations and Questioning department. Her mind is buzzing with a million freakin' weird things to tell, and there's only one person who she trusts to give her an honest opinion—

The second Sakura knocks on the heavy wooden departmental door, it swings open, and Sakura falls inward, into a pair of very familiar arms.

"Forehead Girl!" Ino shrieks, at the top of her lungs, before proceeding to lock her arms around Sakura in a crushing embrace and beginning to sob in her relief. "Oh, my Buddha! The word on the street was that you were captured by the Akatsuki and I thought I was going to die of fright and Tsunade-sama had to lock me and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei and Yamato up to prevent us from setting out to find you and Shikamaru said that they might want to use you to heal that Uchiha bastard's eyes and I was so worried, and…and…"

At this point, Ino begins crying too hard to speak properly, and, rolling her eyes affectionately, Sakura pulls out a handkerchief and tosses it at her best friend as she enters the office and shuts the door behind her. "Calm down, Ino-pig. It turns out you heard right – I was captured by the Akatsuki, and I did have to heal that Uchiha bastard's eyes."

Ino dabs at her eyes, managing to reduce the formidable flow of tears into slightly more reserved sniffles. "They didn't – hurt you, did they? I can't believe you were alone for two weeks with an organization full of mass-murdering psychopaths!"

"No, they didn't hurt me. Not at all."

"Not even," – Ino looks around her office furtively, before lowering her voice to a whisper, as if she is talking about a most evil entity, one who could be summoned by even saying its name – "Itachi?"

Sakura sighs deeply, taking a seat on Morino Ibiki's empty chair. "That's exactly what I wanted to tell you about…"

Ino flings the handkerchief back at her impatiently. "What are you waiting for, Sakura! Spill!"

It takes Sakura an hour to tell Ino her whole story, starting from the beginning of her captivity. She omits no details whatsoever, and talks until her throat is dry, and until Ino is staring at her, transfixed, with her mouth slightly open.

"…So that's what happened," she finishes, at last. "Isn't it weird?"

Ino scoots her chair closer to Sakura, looking somewhat horrified. "Sakura."

"…Yeah?"

"It sounds to me a lot like – like – " the blonde kunoichi pauses, shaking her head disbelievingly. "I can't even say it!"

"Ino! Tell me!"

"Fine, but only if you promise not to hit me afterward."

Sakura fairly twitches with anticipation. "Fine!"

Ino takes a deep breath, steeling herself. "It sounds a lot to me like – like Uchiha Itachi likes you."

Sakura blinks.

"Likes you," Ino elaborates unnecessarily. "If you know what I mean."

-

Sakura's bloodcurdling scream echoes around Hokage Tower. Twice.

-

Akatsuki Headquarters

-

They let Itachi sulk in his room for another couple of hours, while Pein and Konan confer about these strange new developments in an undertone. Then, Tobi stands up, tosses his knitting needles aside, and proudly declares that his sweater for Itachi-san is done, and would anybody like to come along for a visit?

Naturally, Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame accompany him, just for the lulz that is sure to ensue when Tobi presents the heartbroken Itachi with a fuzzy woolen magenta sweater.

Itachi and Kisame's room is located in the west wing of Headquarters, and is marked by an elegantly painted ocean-blue door and a bronze engraved plaque that bears Kisame's name, followed by the inscription Fish Are Friends, Not Food, and Itachi's, with the inscription Enter And Face A Painful Death.

Not for the first time, Deidara rolls his eyes at the cliché-ness of it all, and knocks on the door a few times. "Oy! Uchiha! Tobi has a present for you, un!"

"I dislike presents," is the moody reply that he receives.

"Too fucking bad, little red-eye," Hidan says cheerfully. "We're coming in anyway!"

They barge into the spacious room, and Deidara casts a repulsed look around the blue room and the carefully coordinated mixture of Finding Nemo décor and Jaws memorabilia. "I don't know how you live in here, un. It makes me hungry."

Hidan has other things on his mind; he places his hands over his ears, overwhelmed by the excessive volume of the chilling piano score that Itachi has playing on the five-speaker stereo system. "Turn it the fuck down!"

"The Twilight score again, Itachi?" Kisame inquires mildly, sitting down on Itachi's bed.

The Uchiha prodigy is sitting in the lotus position on the pillow, staring blankly out the window. "Yes, Kisame. I find Bella's lullaby soothing."

Deidara manages to find the stereo remote, and turns it down, smiling at him placatingly. "Look, Uchiha, it's a lovely present, un."

Tobi steps forward, beaming radiantly, and offering the neatly folded magenta sweater to Itachi. "Here you go, Itachi-san! I crocheted it myself." He hugs the Uchiha's arm tightly, nuzzling into it. "I just want you to remember that we're all going to be your best friends forever, no matter what."

Itachi surveys the sweater at length, before reaching out and deigning to prod it with one finger. "…It is very soft."

"It was knitted with love," Tobi smiles. "Put it on! It will warm your heart!"

Much to everybody's shock, Itachi reaches forward, claims the sweater, and pulls it over his head expressionlessly. It is a perfect fit.

Hidan shakes his head. "That's just fucking wrong," he mutters to Kisame.

Deidara surveys Itachi thoughtfully, tilting his head. "The color actually works fairly well with your skin tone, un, and with the lovely purple shade of the bruise, and now that you've turned your Sharingan off, it doesn't clash there either, un."

Itachi acknowledges this impromptu fashion advice with a slight nod. "Thank you, Tobi."

Tobi's eyes fill with tears, and he fairly falls flat at Itachi's feet. "You're so very welcome, Itachi-san!"

The kinda-sorta-almost Akatsuki bonding moment is suddenly interrupted by a loud, insistent squelching against the window; it startles Kisame into falling off the bed, and Tobi and Deidara shriek in unison. Itachi spins to look at the window, sweater forgotten, and—

"What the fuck?" Hidan yelps. "It's a freakin' slug!"

The slug, from its place precariously balanced on the windowsill, squelches again, and Itachi notices that it has a sheet of mint-green paper and a small, wrapped package tied around its middle. Instinctively, he reaches for the window's latch, and the slug collapses inside, landing on the bed with yet another tired squelch.

By this point, Kisame, Hidan, Tobi, and Deidara have all retreated to the other side of the room, huddling together on Kisame's bed in sheer fright, while Itachi has armed himself with a kunai, just in case. He reaches out toward the gray slug tentatively—

"Don't touch it!" Kisame screeches, quite beside himself. "You may have gotten your heart stomped on last night, but that's no reason for you to want to end things like this!"

"Kisame," Itachi replies calmly. "It is a slug." He swivels the kunai so that the point points to a black seal in between the slug's feelers. "And it is an animal summons, at that."

Despite everybody's gasps of horror, he then reaches out and removes the green memo paper and the wrapped package from the slug's back. The right side of the room waits breathlessly as Itachi unfolds the paper and reads it, his expression remaining impassive. As soon as he sets it down on the bed, though, Kisame, Hidan, Tobi, and Deidara all rush over there for sheer curiosity, fearsome slug or not.

Dear Itachi,

The contents of the package should help. Actually, never mind – I made it myself, so it will help.

Cordially,

Sakura.

P.S: If you ever kidnap me again, though, I won't stop at a punch to the jaw.

"Oh my Buddha, un," Deidara gasps, his visible eye widening. "Correspondence!"

"What's in the package, Itachi-san?" Tobi asks curiously.

Itachi unwraps the light tissue paper from said package, revealing a small box. He turns it upside down on the bed, and a small transparent container falls out. He picks it up; it is filled to the brim with an ivory cream of some sort, one that smells rather strongly of various herbs.

"Bruise salve," Hidan reads aloud. "Aww, little red-eye – the irate kunoichi cares! Or…something…"

Itachi blinks at the innocent container.

"Well?" Deidara prompts. "Aren't you going to write back, un?"

"…I do not intend to."

Kisame stares at his partner incredulously. "You aren't giving up, are you?"

"Kisame," Itachi says at length. "This bruise speaks to me. It says, I am not interested."

"Incorrect, un," Deidara counters. "She had no idea you were even into her in any way, so the punch wasn't like – a rebuttal, or anything, un. Besides, written correspondence is an excellent way to further your relationship!"

Itachi stares at Deidara incredulously.

"He has a point," Kisame admits. "ANBU Romance, season three, episode five. The ANBU Cat and the ANBU Hawk were stationed at different posts, and had one encounter charged with sexual tension and professional rivalry, but over the space of several months, their mandatory reports to one another evolved into letters, which in turn, evolved into a relationship."

Hidan nods empathetically. "Fuckin' word, man."

"I cannot believe you."

"Look," Deidara replies, flinging himself on the bed. "Now that you're out of punching distance, un, and not in her immediate space, she won't be too afraid of you at all. So now you guys can really get to know each other, un. And subtly expressing your interest should be less difficult since you're not doing it verbally."

Itachi says nothing, but he leans over and retrieves a sheet of Akatsuki memo paper and a pen from his bedside drawer, before placing said items on his lap and staring at them expressionlessly.

Dear Sakura,

Thank you.

"Tobi says hi! Tobi says hi!" Tobi squeals enthusiastically, as he jumps up and down on Kisame's bed.

…Tobi wishes for me to convey his regards.

"And lots of hugs and lots of love!" Tobi adds.

…and an abundance of hugs and love.

Resentfully,

Itachi.

P.S: Kisame would like to know what kind of yoga videos he could send you. Deidara says he does not need false and packaged hair color. Hidan is directing virulent profanities at your matrilineal line.

P.P.S: I wish you much joy of the sunglasses.

"That's not romantic enough, un," Deidara whines, upon snatching the completed letter from Itachi's grip. "Write some goddamn poetry."

Itachi's eye twitches slightly. "Fine."

He snatches it back and, after a moment's thought, adds something more to it.

Dark clouds wander

New friendships bloom

After the storm

"That's really fucking random," Hidan says dismissively, passing the paper back to Itachi. "Write something more sensual and passionate."

Itachi takes the paper again, scowling.

When I understand

Exactly how your mind works

We will not need words

"That's a bit stalkerish, Itachi," Kisame chips in.

Now positively emanating murderous intent, Itachi reclaims the memo paper.

Dreaming in moonlight

Feather brush the pounding surf

Kissing stars goodnight

Kisame sighs. "That's as good as it's ever going to get. Send it, Itachi."

Itachi crooks his finger at the oozing slug. "Come here, Dorian Gray."

"Ewww," Deidara proclaims, hugging himself squeamishly. "You named it, un?"

"What the fuck kinda name is Dorian Gray?" Hidan asks rhetorically.

Dorian Gray inches over to Itachi, and the Uchiha, using the piece of string that had bound the bruise salve, ties the letter to him. "Take this back to your kunoichi," Itachi proclaims, staring at the slug intently.

Dorian Gray gives a squelch of assent and disappears in a swirl of cherry blossoms, leaving a ring of five homicidal men sitting in a circle on Itachi's bed, staring after it.

"That whole incident was too fucking random to be allowed," Hidan decides.

"Not really," Itachi considers. "The Godaime Hokage utilizes slug summons; it is quite natural that she would have taught her student how to summon them as well."

"Now what, un?" Deidara asks, as he sculpts a likeness of Bruce the Finding Nemo shark – one that happens to look suspiciously like Kisame.

"I'm keeping that, you know," Kisame says shrewdly, as he observes the progress of Deidara's artwork.

Itachi leans back on his pillow and sighs. "Now, we wait."

-

Konoha

-

"Ino," Sakura protests, collapsing onto her bed, "writing to him was a dumb idea."

"Was not," Ino places her hands on her hips and glares.

"But he's a mass murderer!" Sakura retorts. "Corresponding with mass murderers is not socially acceptable."

The blonde kunoichi takes a moment to survey Sakura's nearby collection of reading material. "Ah, see, that's where your logic is flawed. From what you tell me, he may be a psychopathic mass murderer, but he was really, really nice to you."

"No," Sakura counters. "Tobi was really, really nice to me. So was Deidara."

"Tobi – well, that's just not normal. And this Deidara you speak of," Ino trails off, curling the ends of her ponytail around her finger contemplatively. "Was he hot?"

"Ino!"

Ino lifts her hands defensively. "Just sayin'. Anyway, in a really socially retarded way, Itachi did sound like he was trying really hard to be nice. And, I mean, it also sounded like you had him really out of his depth."

"Oh, my Buddha, Ino, I wasn't trying to seduce him or anything! I wasn't even flirting with him!" At this statement, Sakura immediately begins to cross-examine her own memories of her encounters with Itachi. Nope. Nothing. Nothing at all that could have given him the wrong idea.

"I didn't say you were! I just meant that he was really trying to be nice and then you gave him one of your freakishly hard punches as a farewell gift. It's kinda incongruous, you know?" Ino pouts, determined to get her point across.

Sakura blushes. "Yes, well—"

"Wait," Ino interrupts, a sudden idea having struck her. "Was Itachi hot?"

"I – what?" Sakura sputters.

"You heard me, forehead girl."

Sakura tries to deny it. She really does. She tries her damndest to say that Uchiha Itachi was not physically attractive in the least; as a matter of fact, his long hair made him look girly, and the lines on his face made him look freakin' old and not merely mature and handsome in an older-guy-but-not-too-old-to-be-creepy kinda way and—

Ino smirks. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

The beginnings of what promise to be a very interesting conversation is suddenly interrupted by a soft poof, and Ino shrieks loudly. "What the—"

"Calm down," Sakura admonishes, reaching out her hand, and her slug oozes into her lap affectionately. "It's just Mr. Darcy."

Ino hugs herself squeamishly. "You named it?"

"Of course." Sakura taps the area between its feelers gently. "Ooh, look, they replied."

Ino and Sakura promptly begin reading the letter, which is written on the distinctive, red-cloud emblazoned Akatsuki memo paper, and written in not Deidara's fashionable, slightly loopy script, but in an unfamiliar hand, narrow and elegant.

"…Wow." Ino says at last.

Sakura scowls, determined. "Ino, pen and paper, please?"

Obligingly, her best friend throws another pale green sheet of memo paper at her, and a purple gel pen. It isn't as dignified as Itachi's simple black ink, but it will have to do.

It takes her all of five minutes to write her reply, but then Ino insists on spending another fifteen analyzing every little subtlety of the letter, and she is attempting to convince Sakura to send it to a handwriting analyst, before Sakura snatches the letter back and ties it to Mr. Darcy, with strict instructions to deliver it to the Akatsuki Headquarters.

"Jeez, Sakura," Ino lies upside down on the bed, watching a stray moth flutter about the ceiling. "I hope you weren't too harsh. I bet those were his first ever haiku, too."

Sakura smiles, a little ferally. "Harsh? Me? Never."

-

Akatsuki Headquarters

-

They are still in the same place, sitting on Itachi's bed, while Tobi sings along to Muse at the top of his lungs and Hidan offers "unedited" versions of the same lyrics. Deidara has now expanded his sculpting endeavors to include Akatsuki parallels with the Finding Nemo cast, and is in the midst of creating Pein as Gill, the leader of the Tank Gang, while Itachi and Kisame play a rather competitive game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

The state of comparative peace is suddenly disturbed by another poof, and this time, the slug by the name of Dorian Gray – and Mr. Darcy, alternatively – appears in the midst of Itachi's bed. Similarly to the previous time, everybody except Itachi either screams or falls off. The slug, unconcerned with this chilly reception, oozes over to Itachi, sensing a friend.

Itachi pats the sensitive area between its feelers in a rare moment of compassion, before removing the enclosed letter.

Dear Itachi,

You're welcome. Wow – first your eyes, now your face. At this rate I'm likely to become your personal physician or something. And I know you guys are really pansies and hate doing this, but will somebody please give Tobi a hug for me?

Why are you sending me hugs and love? Creeper. Anyway, please tell Kisame that I enjoy the ANBU Romance series of yoga videos, and convey to Deidara that there is nothing wrong with dying his hair. A very good friend of mine thinks that he could benefit from going into a new shade of platinum blonde, so he would match her. If you could punch Hidan for me, too, I would love that.

I'm loving the sunglasses, by the way. I got twenty compliments on them today alone.

Oh, and the haikus?

1: That was really freakin' random, but not all too bad.

2: Let me reiterate my point from the second paragraph: Creeper. That was so stalkerish it wasn't even funny.

3: An improvement. You've been reading Twilight, haven't you?

And now, a haiku for you, Itachi:

My heart aches with pain

When I see you, I vomit

Die, away from me.

Cordially (what was up with that "resentfully," bit last letter, anyway? What have I ever done to you?),

Sakura.

The letter drops out of Itachi's suddenly nerveless hands.

"That," Hidan observes sagely, "was a fucking burn."

Kisame peers into Itachi's eyes worriedly. "Itachi? Are you alright?"

Itachi looks up, and his eyes blaze with the crimson light of the Sharingan. "Tobi," he says purposefully. "Please bring me two more chocolate chip cookies and I will hug you afterward. Hidan, I will require another sheet of memo paper, or else I will follow Sakura's recommendation and punch you. Kisame, if you have any literary material regarding the art of haiku, I would find that highly useful as well."

Despite himself, Hidan inches away from Itachi; the murderous aura is positively burning. "What do you need all this shit for, anyway?"

It is likely that Deidara and Itachi have the tensest relationship between any Akatsuki members; despite this, Deidara smirks in understanding. "Let the literary courtship of Haruno Sakura by Uchiha Itachi commence, un?"

Itachi smiles menacingly, his eyes flashing with anticipation. "Bring it."

-

Meanwhile, in Konoha, a seemingly inexplicable shiver runs down the length of Sakura's spine.

"What's wrong, forehead girl?" Ino asks, concerned.

Sakura looks out the window. "I just felt – oh, never mind. It's nothing."

Oh snap.

Feedback very much appreciated! :)