Dear Paula,

You think YOU have bad days? Then you should turn to the Brawling channel later this week to see me embarrass myself. You DID say you want to see me Brawl, along with other people at home, so Master Hand devised a contract that lets us have our own channel! My first episode is Friday, but before you see it, let me give you MY side of the story…

I was pitted against LUCAS! Do you know how hard that was for me? It was like someone knew your every move! It was very hard to fight, and very hard to defend. We knew each other so well! But, that's' not the WORST part. A banana peel appeared and Lucas grabbed it. He threw it right by my feet. I didn't see it at the time and when I turned to launch PK Fire, I slipped. My heel snagged the skin; I tripped and fell on my face. Lucas fell out laughing at what I had landed on: a gooey bomb. It was stuck to my face, and it looked like I was picking my nose! I could the audience chuckle as the gun powder exploded in my face.

I returned to the stage, which was New Pork City, so Lucas had the upper hand. I didn't care though: I was still confident I would win. My self-esteem went down when Lucas shouted that a Chimera was right behind me. I thought it was a trick to fall of the edge so I stayed where I was. It wasn't until I heard something smacking its lips I turned around and saw a giant pink dragon looking at me like lunch. Lucas burst out at the look of my face as it bit my head and tossed me off. I'd like to see something bad happen to him!

After that, it was just a series of unfortunate events. Once, Lucas shouted PK Freeze, and I prepared to dodge that until he surprised me off the edge with his unexpected rope snake attack.

"What's wrong?" he called. "Afraid of a fake pink snake?"

Another "moment" was the bumper. Lucas and I ran at it at exactly the same time. Somehow, Lucas beat me to it, and before I could grab it, he tossed it at me. I fell back with an "oof!" look on my face. It made me crash into Jeff, who Lucas had activated. Jeff whispered "Sorry!" to me as he lit up two sets of bottle rockets aimed at me.

"Hey Ness! What's' worse: getting in a blow-out with one friend? Or getting SPANKED by another?" Lucas smirked while wrestling me off again.

Some more things happened that brawl (the brawl itself was half-an-hour to do a good episode), Lucas kicking me in the area…my bat flying out of my hands just as I was about to use it…my yo-yo string snapping and hitting me in the face…catching a ride on a car to another lost point…and many more.

Paula, please DO NOT watch the last three minutes of the program! I beg you to turn the T.V. off, change the channel, or even BREAK THE THING! I don't care, as long as you don't watch that one little part. I'm going to tell you about it in less detail.

I managed to get enough knock-outs on Lucas to tie up the score. Three minutes were left. We dove at each other, getting into a little spat. Lucas took out his stick and began to beat me like a piñata! I punched him in the stomach and kicked him in the shoulder. Time was going down fast, and Lucas needed to think of a way to win. He grabbed me and smacked me a few times. Then he reached for me again and threw me off the edge. I couldn't do PK Thunder fast enough to save my life. I braced myself for losing, until I noticed I stopped falling. I felt a sudden rush of pain, like a wedgie type of feeeling. Lucas ran over to see what happened and began to go into Hysteria.

"Ha! Looks like your bad luck will never END!" Lucas cried.

I could hear some audience members making remarks also:

"Seems he's getting bare!"

"No BUTTS about it!"

"Hope there's not a draft!'

"Is that a tan line?"

By all the comments and the sudden coldness I was feeling, I managed to finally figure out what happened. My shorts had snagged onto something as I fell, but my underwear snagged too, revealing my…well, you know. Lucas continued to cackle as I turned redder than I ever did before. If I wasn't dangling there I'd literally knock the crap out of him. Time was down to ten seconds. Lucas walked over and whispered something that made my blood boil.

"I sure kicked your butt this time!"

After he said that, he unhooked me and I plummeted to Loser Ville.

Paula, if this little story didn't make you feel better, then I don't know what will. That battle was really embarrassing, suffering for an entire half hour…ridiculous! So, from now on, you'll be able to see me on T.V! I'll occasionally say hi to you, so you know I do think about you all the time...

Yours forever (humiliated),

Ness

P.S. From a liable source, I got word there is only ten more of the video game I want left! RUN PAULA! GET IT QUICK!! I'LL DIE!