Only You Understand My Pain
Chapter 4
Survivors Guilt
One Month Later
He crouched in the tree looking down. 'There she is again.' His eyes fell upon Hinata's body kneeling by the Ninja Memorial Stone. 'It's not like I am angry about it, just slightly annoyed. This is the time I always come to talk to them and now there she stands once again messing up my time schedule. Okay I admit I don't really have a time schedule. Naruto and Sakura are always complaining about my lack of punctuality no matter what excuse I give.' Kakashi sighed inwardly at his inner rantings. Pulling out his favorite orange covered book he sat down on the branch leaning his back against the trunk. No matter how he tried he couldn't help but peak over his book down at the girl.
'What is it about her that shakes me from my calm.' His eyes began to travel over her feminine body taking in how her figure had filled out. She had always exhibited bigger breast then most of the girls her age but now her hips had filled in. She no longer looked like the tiny, waif like girl he remembered but a voluptuous woman. Her midnight blue hair had grown long trailing down to her curved waist. She had it swept to one side in an attempt to cover the red scar that marred her otherwise perfect milky white skin. The line ran from her left temple down to bottom of her jaw. To him it just added to her beauty. A woman who stood up against an overpowering opponent and lived. He had to admit no matter how much he tried not to think such thoughts the last few days. Hyuga Hinata was simple breathtaking. He watched as her delicate fingers slowly traced two names on the memorial stone. A tear sliding down her cheek from those soft pale moonstone eyes.
' Eyes that beautiful should never be marred by tears.' He sighed inwardly. He knew the pain she was feeling and he also knew nothing would make it go away. Time would help, but the loss would always be there. Yes, every shinobi knew it came with the job. That still didn't change the pain. His eyes watched as she laid her forehead against the cold stone lost in her own thoughts. He knew just like he knew the sun would rise every morning, what was going through her mind. Yes he knew it, she was going through the "what it's". What if I had been faster, stronger, arrived sooner. What if…what if! And with the what if's comes the why's. Why not me? Why did I live? Why did they die? Why…why… why!
'What was it the medics liked to call it? Oh ya… survivors guilt. Guilt is too nice of a word for the pain one feels losing their team mates their friends.' His mind went to Obito and Rin. I guess in some sense he felt even more sympathy for the Hyuga she lost both her team mates in one day. When Obito died he still had Rin, well at least for a little while. Soon after Obito, her young life was cut short and he was alone. Guilt no that wasn't it, no what was worse is unrelenting loneliness. Taking another look at her, he shook his head sadly. 'I can't watch this anymore.' Stuffing his book back in his pocket he took off through the trees. 'Maybe I should have tried to comfort her, talk with her. No, what good am I. Hell I can't stop that pain and loneliness in my own heart and my team was taken years ago. I will come back another time to talk with them. A time when the Hyuga-bara is gone.'
Hinata looked up as she caught a flash of a green jounin jacket. "Hatake Kakashi," she whispered softly. She knew he had been watching her. Why she did not know nor did she care. In all truth she cared very little of anything anymore. She felt like she floated through the last few weeks like a ghost. If only that were true. 'I should be a ghost my body buried with Shino and Kiba. Dammit, it why did I have to live. I was the weakest so why did I live.' She could feel the tears slid down her cheeks. They stung the slash that ran down her porcelain cheek. It was a constant reminder she had survived and they had perished. The tears began to fall faster as she thought of them. How valiantly they had fought. Even though they defeated their enemy they still lost their lives. If only she had been faster had been better trained to heal they might have survived their wounds. Why had she not been stronger and defied the clan and trained under Lady Tsunade. When she had become jounin Tsunade had asked her to train under her. Yet she was too afraid to fight her clan's wishes.
'If I had only just said yes to her back then; I would be a full medical nin and they would be alive now.' Her hand reached for her cheek the lightening sharp pain stabbing through it again. Now days it seemed to always throb when she thought of her fallen comrades, her teammates, her only friends. Now she was alone. Shino and Kiba had been her only family since here real family the Hyuga clan despised all that she was . Regarding her as nothing but a burden. The tears began to pour down her eyes as her heart clenched in pain. Angry she wiped them off with the back of her hand. What she wanted to do was scratch her eyes out so she would never have to see their names on that horrible black obsidian stone. 'It should read Hyuga, Hinata!" She screamed her fists clenched at her sides.
o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.
One thing I wanted to note was that yes, even though Hinata killed an Akatsuki she still sees herself as weak. This is for two reasons one being she could not heal her teammates and save their lives. The second her family has pounded into her head for twenty one years that she was weak and worthless. After time she has totally become to believe this true no matter what she does . Another point to make Hinata didn't really make a lot of friends she was mainly with Shino and Kiba most of her life. Even though she has grown out of her stutter and most of her shyness she never fit in with most of the other teams. Shino and Kiba were her family. Kurenia had died years earlier for those who have asked.
Bara Rose
Kami God
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