Chapter Eight: Of Fluff and Misunderstandings
"Don't let them tell you that there's too much noise,
They're too old to really understand,
You'll still get rowdy with the girls and boys,
'Cause it's time for you to make a stand,
Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud."
- KISS, Shout It Out Loud.
Elizabeth spent over an hour explaining the twenty-first century to Gandalf. In that hour, Elrond had finished his glass of wine and slipped deeper into a state of drunkenness and had said many things, including; "Gandalf, I want that flower." and, "Lady, your forehead is a shiny."
He was eventually silenced by Elizabeth, who gave him the fiercest look she could muster and said, "If you don't stop making mean comments about my forehead, I'll sing a Celine Deon song so loud, it'll crack your skull open!"
Elrond, not knowing who Celine Dion was and being rather fond of his skull, shut up. "I'm not sure I understand." Said Gandalf. "Why do you have so many machines? You make them seem so unreliable, wouldn't it be better if you went back to the old ways? To have just enough technology to allow for easy world travel but not enough to complicate lives."
"I suppose, but the Human race, generally, are a lazy lot. We're always looking for things to make our lives easier. It's a huge money making business, people would lose their whole livelihoods. It's too late to go back now."
He nodded, "From what I've gathered, your world has a great deal more corruption, the ruling system doesn't seem to work and-"
"Hey! Middle Earth might be a land where a single frozen moment of deepest sorrow or sweetest joy can hang in a perpetual balance that you could contemplate for a thousand lifetimes, but," She ranted, we have a machine that let's you say anything, anywhere to anyone over the globe, as long as they have the same machine."
She stopped as Gandalf gestured her to simmer down, "Yes, as poetic as that was, our land is great deal purer. We are free from all the poisonous smoke you describe and..."
As they talked, the Hobbits got bored and wandered off. However pleased they were to see Elizabeth, they could not endure hours of talking. Some Elves came to clear up the breakfast mess, doing their best to clean around the wizard and the woman. It was not an easy task with her waving her arms around, trying to make a point about technology. "Excuse me, Sir, Lady, are you ready to leave?" One maid asked, nervously.
"I apologise." Gandalf stated. "We will be on our way." He rose from his chair, picking up his staff.
Elizabeth pulled herself up, saying, "Sure, apologise to her, but when you insult my country, I don't hear an 'I'm sorry'." He ignored her and walked towards the great oak doors. She skipped after him. Hold on. My caffeine senses are tingling. "Gandalf!" She said, "What about the tea? I might melt if I don't get me some tea."
He considered this for a moment. "Go down the kitchens and say, 'U-bedin edhellen'. It is translated as 'I don't speak Elvish.' They should fetch someone who speaks Westrom."
"But I don't understand Westrom." She said, puzzled.
"Young lady, you are speaking it now."
"I am?" This makes no sense. Absolutely no sense. But I think I may be going mad. Tea, if I drink tea, all sanity will be restored. What was left of it, anyway. "U-bedin edhellen." She muttered.
"If you'll excuse me, I must see that Lord Elrond has his handmaiden attend to him." He smiled at her. "Was it Elladan or Elrohir who put you up to it?"
"Elladan. Why did you let me do it?" She asked, meeting his gaze levelly.
He winked. "I would never admit it to Meriadoc or his fool of a Took cousin, but I enjoy childish fun as much as they do, from time to time."
He left her a little astounded. A cry from Elrond sounded, "Leave me, I find you unattractive" She turned back to see him swatting at a, slowly turning pink, maid. She disregarded it, thinking, I still cannot believe I'm here. I've witnessed a Nazgul stab a Hobbit, seen fit Elf-guys and got Elrond drunk before three in the afternoon.
"Damn it, Gandalf!" She cursed, realizing she had no clue where the kitchens were. Why he couldn't just tell her where things were, was beyond her. She tugged pensively at her sleeve. And so, the quest for tea proceeds. She left Elrond where he was and shoved open the door with her shoulder. The adjoining corridor was brightly lit with candles as well as the sunlight streaming through windows. The sky was a clear blue, so unlike the polluted earth she had grown up in.
It really is beautiful here. She exhaled slowly. Uh oh, I'm turning into a naturist... hang on, that's not the right word. What's the word I want? She chose a direction at random and drifted away from the cries of indignation from Elrond, "...I wasn't finished with that pear, you know!"
"Dum da dum, da dum..." She hummed the Pink Panther theme tune. Haha! I am a master of stealth and disguise! None shall keep me from reaching my destination. That reminds me of Alan Wake. What. A. Hero.
"I carry on my quest for the kitchen. It's out there, somewhere in the darkness. I don't know where. I sense it, I need it, I miss it." She quoted. Of course, that wasn't the real quote, Reader, she adapted it to fit her current state of affairs. Elizabeth had fallen in love with her friend's Xbox 360 and daydreamed for weeks about pulling an Alan Wake and saving someone helpless from the clutches of darkness infested Taken. She stumbled on the hem of her dress and she sighed in irritation, kicking at the material. She veered around a corner, suddenly wishing for some string or breadcrumbs to leave behind, in order to find her way back. Where she was, she had no idea. It was a quieter part of the building, chatter could still be heard but it appeared to be away from the residential area. She passed less and less people (although the ones she did go by didn't even engage in eye contact). What the fuzz is going on? Never mind, onwards!
"The road stretches ahead. Where the kitchen is, I don't know. Danger comes from all sides." She squinted at a small bird out of the window. "In the form of birds and Elves. I have to fight my way through the darkness. Is the tea there? Will I ever see it, again? These questions plague my mind as I wander the landscape in the afternoon." She trailed off mysteriously. She had got so wrapped up in her created tension and suspense, that she released a yelp of panic when a hand grabbed her arm.
"Araagh!" She tried to yank herself out of the strong grasp.
"Calm yourself! It is only I." Said Aragorn, emerging from the shadows.
"You gave me one hell of a scare." She laughed nervously. How's it going?"
"How is what going?"
"I mean, how are you?" She cracked her knuckles.
"I am well, thank you." He grinned. "Did you miss me, Elizabeth?"
She returned the smile and rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"I am staying for the council tomorrow." He said, confused. "Surely you have been told this?"
"No, I mean, what are you doing here, in this exact spot." She asked.
"I am on my way back from the kitchen-"
"Excellent! Would be a gentleman and show me where this elusive kitchen would be?" She broke him off mid-sentence.
"By all means, Lady." He offered her his arm, which she took.
"Please, please call me Elizabeth." She begged. "I hate being called Lady." She said this even though tt was one of the times he had called her a lady. He must have been in a good mood.
"But it is you're title." He said, leading her down one flight of stairs. "It wouldn't be proper to call you otherwise."
"Okey dokey, I'll beat you at your own game. I shall call you... um..." She thought for a moment. "I will call you stubbly-ranger-man. How do you like that?"
"Stubbly?" He asked.
"Yes, those fluffy bit's on your face." She pointed out.
"...Fluffy?" They passed several maids giggling conspiratorially. All elves, she noticed, were gorgeous. There can't be an ugly gene in their body. Elizabeth noted how small their waists were, how soft and shiny their hair and how clear their complexion. She abruptly felt very aware of the blemishes on her skin and the few extra pounds she had meant to lose.
She carried her outer-monologue (Stolen shamelessly from Alan Wake), "What I have become? I not the woman I once was. I need some tea. It's amazing taste, it warming my hands on this never-ending afternoon. I will never stop looking for it. I will keep on this journey until I have searched Middle Earth for my beloved."
Aragorn stopped to look at her, "Why are you saying that?"
She shrugged, "I get bored and I want some tea. It's a bad combination."
They forged ahead once more. "You want to go to the kitchens for some... tea?"
"Absolutely."
He muttered, "Your quirks continue to perplex me." Then louder, "Do you speak any Elvish? Most of the kitchen staff don't speak the common tongue."
"Gandalf told me what to say. Plus, I read up on a little Elvish, back at home." She said. Truthfully, she'd only learnt a few insults in Elvish before her obsession with Lord of the Rings died down. So what she said wasn't untrue, it was just in the neighbourhood of truth. Truthy. He led her to a massive wooden door, the sounds of talking, clanging of dishes and pots and the whistling of kettles emanated from behind. What is it about Elves and big doors? They must like their dramatic entrances.
"This is where I leave you, Elizabeth."He said, giving her a slight bow.
She smiled, I could get used to this behaviour! "Maybe we could be friends."
"Friends..." He mused. "Wasn't weeks in the wilderness enough to bond us?"
She shook her head. "You hardly ever called me by my name! Anywoozle, I'll see you late, friendo!"
He went back in the direction they had come, shaking his head, and mumbling "Oh, Eru, what have I gotten myself into?" Elizabeth chuckled. She opened the door. Five Elves were working hard, either washing dishes or kneading some sort of dough, presumably to make bread or a cake. They were gossiping sociably together in their native tongue. The kitchen was windowless but a fire burned at the hearth, casting warm tones around the room, reflecting off brass pots and pans.
They all look up from their tasks to watch her enter. What did Gandalf tell me to say? Oh God, I can't have forgotten already... She pretended to admire the architecture for a moment, desperately trying to recall what he had said. They observed her figure and height, noting the bare feet and inelegant movements.
"Pedich Edhellen?" (Do you speak Elvish?) One tall Elf-maid brought her hands to the surface of soapy water and dried them on a scrap of fabric. Oh, fuck it. I'll improvise. Need to think back a few years, I'm sure I can recall something to say...
"Um... Lasto... An ral Maded...Orodruin?" (Listen... Do you want to eat... Mount Doom?)
Her eyes widened, and panic creased her features. She turned back to her comrades, speaking swiftly. Elizabeth waited patiently. If I said what I think I said, they might get me something to drink. The kitchen staff seemed to come to a decision. One broad-backed Elf took her arm and attempted to guide her to the door.
"Whoa! Back off, buddy! We just met!" She jerked her arm from his hold.
He stared at her in disarray. "Heniach nin?" (Do you understand me?) He questioned her, trying once more to take her arm and lead her away.
"Okay, I'm confused by this entire situation. I would like some tea!" She groaned. "I'm not getting anywhere with you people, am I? Oh, you can't understand me." She pondered for a few minutes, dismissing the tugs at her arm. Aha! If I say this right, they should go and get something who speaks the lingo...
"Ava vanta i salquesse!" (Keep off the grass!) She shouted, making the one's nearby jump at the loudness of her voice.
"No dh nen, Hiril!" (Be silent, Lady!) He pleaded, hopelessly undertaking the labour of escorting her out.
"Ni quorya!" (I'm drowning!) She yelled, wrenching herself again out of his hold.
These poor Elves were at the end of their tether by this time and were starting to get angry. "Daro I!" (Stop that!) One scolded.
This is getting out of hand. Maybe I should leave... "Right, I'm going to go now, it was a pleasure meeting you!" She said, cheerfully. What's Elvish for 'Thank you'? Oh, right... "Hu nin mant han!" (My dog ate it!) She proceeded to skip out of the kitchen, leaving five, very bewildered, Elves in her wake.
Pffft, Elves. What a bunch of drama queens.