Chapter Ten: Of Madness and Oxymorons

"We say, Sisters are doing it for themselves,
Standing on their own two feet,
And ringing on their own bells.
We say, Sisters are doing it for themselves."
- Annie Lennox, Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.

Every living organism on the premises did not dare to breathe. Elrond had never looked more infuriated. What made it worse for her, was the fact that her dress was still caught on the bush and she couldn't move. Elrond's eyebrows were out of control. She coughed. "I'm, um, sorry?" She stepped forward, forgot that her dress was still caught and was promptly yanked back to the bush. In the many awkward silences I have experienced in my time of Middle Earth, this beats them all. With a surge of sudden confidence, she said "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Miss. Elizabeth Sparrow but you can call me George-"

"What, pray tell, are you doing?" Elrond hissed, furiously.

"You know, just hanging out." She shrugged. "You?"

This time, it wasn't Elrond who spoke, but Aragorn, "We both strictly forbade you from coming to this meeting. Why did you disobey?" He didn't seem especially annoyed, so she pushed her luck.

"Because I'm not some stray dog you can order around. In fact, if you tell me to do something, I'll probably do the opposite." Aragorn sighed and walked over to help her up. He took out a small knife and cut the offending fabric, freeing her arm.

A man said. "That much is obvious. We have much to discuss, we have no time for your jokes. Be on your way." She whirled around and gave him a look that could curdle milk.

"I will not 'be on my way', as you charmingly put it. I would rather eat glass."

One Elf smiled slightly, "You're the girl who insulted the kitchen staff."

"I didn't insult them! It's not my fault I didn't know what I was saying!" She said, hotly.

"Oh, we have not time for this now! You may as well sit down." Grumbled Gandalf. "I don't think you are grasping the seriousness of the situation, Elizabeth." He addressed the whole council, "Do you not understand? While we bicker among ourselves, Sauron's power grows. No one will escape it. You will all be destroyed, your homes burnt and your families put to the sword!"

"I nominate Frodo!" Called Elizabeth from her place next to said Hobbit. A few looked at her, disbelievingly. Others ran their eyes over the Halfling.

Frodo stood shakily, "I will take it." Wow, that was easier than I thought... I should take up a career in motivational speaking. He swallowed. "I will take the Ring to Mordor." The silence was deafening. An oxymoron that didn't make much sense to Elizabeth. "Though, I do not know the way."

Tiny butterflies flapped their wings in her stomach. I'm witnessing the birth of a legend! Keep calm, keep calm. "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear." Said Gandalf, moving over to stand beside him.

"If, by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my sword." Aw! Don't cry, don't cry!

"And you have my bow."

Gimli glared, like he wasn't to be outdone by an Elf. "And my axe." Legolas' expression turned sour.

Boromir came to a conclusion. "You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is, indeed, the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."

Elizabeth cleared her throat. "Just so you know, I'll be going with them too." Several people laughed, thinking it silly that a mortal woman with no training could go on a quest as important as this.

"Why would the council of Elrond want you on this crucial quest?" It was the man who had expressed his disdain for her being there in the first place. Who does this guy think he is? It's time to bring out the Harry Potter quotes.

"Who might I be talking too?" She snapped, giving him a once over. "Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion." She gasped. "You must be a Weasley!"

The so-called Weasley was baffled. "What?"

"Silly muggle." She chuckled darkly.

"Say what you like, the council will not allow you to go." He said, stubbornly.

"That won't stop me-"

"Yes, it will-"

"Do you go out of your way to annoy people?" She said, growing angrier by the second. "Maybe you have a self-confidence problem or something, but I think you're just a knob who can't keep his mouth shut."

"You dare speak to me in such a manner?"

"Please stop talking, or I'll be forced to punch you where it hurts."

The man chuckled like she was a silly child. "You wouldn't be able to land a blow. It is a well known fact that a woman will never hit as hard as a man."

"No, but we hit lower." She growled.

"Enough!" Shouted Elrond, who could no longer endure the bickering. "Elizabeth, while I appreciate you volunteering, I fear it will be too dangerous for you. And you, Sir." He said, glancing pointedly at the red head. "Are you not a man of Gondor? You should have more honour. You will not insult a lady in the Last Homely House." The man mumbled an apology and looked away.

Victory! Hold on... Did he say I couldn't go? "Here!" Sam shouted, popping up from his hiding place. Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

Elrond rubbed his forehead, muttering, Oh, Ilúvatar..." under his breath. "No, indeed. It is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not." Elrond didn't know how all this madness had come about and why it had happened to him.

"What do you mean, 'You can't go'?" Said Elizabeth.

"Oi! We're coming too!" Elrond spun around to see two more Hobbit's running out from behind some pillars. "You'll have to send us home tied up a sack to stop us!"

Merry and Pippin joined the rest of the fellowship. "Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest... thing."

"Well, that rules out you, Pip. Said Merry, grinning."

Elizabeth jumped up and stood next to Aragorn. "I. Am. Going." Elrond, far too busy deciding her fate, ignored the presence of Merry and Pippin. "You will not stop me." I need something to change his mind. The majority of the council were dumbstruck. Never had they beheld such lunacy. Who was this crazy girl? And, more importantly, why was her mouth curving upward into an evil smirk?

"Hey, Elrond?" She asked, sweetly.

"Yes?" He said, though gritted teeth.

"What's the first thing elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!" She laughed. "I know, I think up the most amazing jokes! Want to hear another? Why does Legolas feel depressed? 'Cause he has low Elf esteem!"

"I don't feel-" Legolas started to protest that he didn't feel especially saddened, and that her attempt at humour wasn't all that funny, but Miss. Sparrow was off on the crazy train.

"Oh! I've got another. What do Orcs around Rivendell fear the most? Elf-inflicted wounds!"

"There aren't-" Elrohir started to object that there aren't any Orcs around Imladris, but was cut off once again.

"What's big, has long hair and wears tights? An Elf-ephant!" She laughed. Elrond glared at her, wishing that she would hush and give up on the preposterous notion that she was joining- "What do Elves use to go from floor to floor? An Elf-evator!" Elizabeth was very pleased with herself. Several people tried to talk over her jesting to no avail.

"I think it's time for a sing-song, don't you... Aragorn?" She pounced on the Dunedain, giving him a very deliberate pinch.

Poor, poor Aragorn wanted nothing to do with this. The men of Gondor glared at him, as if it was his fault that she had started this. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to procrastinate. "I don't think it would be the best idea..." He trailed off, unwilling to be in the middle.

"O one of many unpronounceable names." Said Elizabeth, poking him in the arm. "Don't you want me on this quest? Never mind, I'll sing by myself-"

"Why are you so resolute on coming with us?" Boromir asked, generally inquisitive.

She inclined her head. "The question is, why wouldn't I want to come? I'd be with my newly acquired friend, Aragorn. I'd get the chance to annoy Legolas with more Elf jokes." Legolas turned an interesting shade of green. "And, more importantly, it would be an adventure." Boromir mulled this over, while Elizabeth caught Gandalf's eye. "You want me on this quest, right?"

He leaned on his staff, not saying a word. "I don't see why she can't go." Said Gimli. "If she gets herself killed, then it's her own fault."

Elizabeth was oddly touched. "Thanks Gimli."

Elrond sighed. "If I permit you to join this fellowship, do I have your word that your actions will remain your own and the council will not be held responsible?"

"Absolutely!" This is like talking to an insurance salesman.

The realization of it hit her. "I'm going on a quest to destroy Sauron's Ring! Aw, you guys are going to be my travel buddies!" She grinned manically. "Group hug?"

As usual, Elrond ignored her commentary that appeared to be never-ending and said, "Ten companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

The moment was spoiled by Pippin saying, "Great. Where are we going?"

"Oh, by the Valar, this is going to be a long journey." Said Gandalf, knocking his head against his staff.