Chapter Fourteen: Of Food and Dances
"Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds,
She made a fool out of you, and, boy, she's bringing you down,
She made your heart melt, but you're cold to the core,
Now rumour has it she ain't got your love any more."
- Adele, Rumour Has It.
"Frosty the Snowdwarf-" She was cut off, promptly, by Gimli clapping his hands over his ears and glaring at her. "Oh, come on! My singing isn't that terrible... right?" Silence. "Well, that's quite rude." She muttered. The song had been concocted when she first spotted him with a small mountain in his beard. She nearly died giggling. That's when she learned that the phrase "I laughed so much, I think I wet myself!" was not acceptable.
The road to Moria was taking longer than expected. The pretty scenery was all well and good, but after weeks of walking and sleeping on rocks, it was all starting to get a bit tedious. When they came to the all too familiar location, Elizabeth stared out at the deep, murky waters, knowing what lurked beneath. Mental Note: Don't let anyone chuck anything in the water. She thought, nudging a stray pebble with her foot. The leather of the boots had been broken in and still shaped themselves to the arch of her foot, despite the abuse they had suffered. The fellowship walked along the far shore, directly below the looming cliffs.
"The walls of Moria!"
Footing was treacherous on the narrow strip of moss-covered stones. Not that anyone was interested in that nugget of information, but, Reader, I felt like setting the scene. Gandalf touched the smooth rock wall and, slowly, faint lines appeared like slender veins of luminous silver running through the stone. "Wow, that's pretty." She said.
"Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight." A large moon rose over the mountains. The lines grew broader and clearer, forming a glowing arch of interlacing letters and symbols.
"Holy haberdashery, Batman!" She exclaimed and leaned forward to trace the lines with her fingertip.
"It reads, 'The door of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter." Mellon. The password is mellon. Shall I tell them? No. Yes. Wait, no. Oh God, not this again. No, I'll let them figure it out.
"Om nom nom nom..." She whispered instead. Sam inched away from her.
"What do you suppose that means?" Asked Merry.
"It means that we are going to waste a hell of a lot of time and I get to spend some quality time with you guys!" She grinned.
"No." Gandalf glared at her. "It means, if you are a friend, speak the passwords and the doors will open."
She indicated the doors. "Off you go. Knock yourself out. Let me know when you get tired of feeling up rocks." She went to stand by Legolas. "Hey, Legolas? Hasn't anyone told you green leotards are so last century?" No comment.
"Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" The wind blew cold for a moment and, as predicted, the door stood fast. Elizabeth laughed but the sound was smothered when she caught the look Aragorn was sending her. Even she had to admit, the place made laughter seem hollow and eerie.
"Hey. Hey, Legolas?" Nothing. "Are you ignoring me?" Still nothing. "Do you want to hear my cheer leading chant? It's perfectly designed to give you courage during battle!" Nope, he wasn't saying a word, simply staring listlessly up at the moon. "Okey-dokey, I'll take that as a 'Yes, I would be delighted to hear your chant because you are my bestest friend in the whole world.'" She cleared her throat. "Mirkwood, Mirkwood, sis boom bah! Legolas, Legolas RAH RAH RAH-"
"That's quite enough, thank you!" He said, in something resembling a squeak, covering his pointed ears. "What is it you want?"
She smiled serenely. "Nothing." He growled in frustration.
He must think I'm completely mental, but seeing as I am completely mental, I've nothing to worry about. Speaking of mentality, it absolutely stinks here. Oh wait, that's just Aragorn dominating the air with his stench. My bad. "Aragorn?"
"Yes?"
"I'm hungry."
"That's nice."
"Have you got any food? No one trusts me to carry any."
"That is because you eat it all."
"I get hungry! What am I meant to do?"
He sighed and rummaged in Bill's saddle bags. She walked a couple of paces to pat him on the nose, the pony's muzzle felt velvety-soft under her fingers. Bye bye, Bill. I see now that you are not, in any way, a man-eating horse. I do apologise. Aragorn resurfaced from his dive into a bag with, most likely, no bottom, holding a dried apple. She wrinkled her nose. "Not to be rude or anything, but do we have anything else?"
"This is all you get. Think of it as punishment for teaching Pippin that... dance."
"What, the Macarena? C'mon, that dance is legendary!" He thrust the preserved fruit at her, making it perfectly clear what he thought of the Macarena. Gandalf was still mumbling spells in his efforts to open the door. She flounced away with fake indignation, still peering at the apple with disgust and plonked herself next to Boromir, who was trying his best to blend in with the wall. She popped the fruit into her mouth and chewed, grimacing at the sour taste.
After pulling a face and swallowing, she raised her eyes to meet Boromir's. "What?"
He shook his head, "I wouldn't have thought that to be to your taste."
She snorted. "Yeah. Pies, meat, chocolate, small buildings, nothing I won't eat as long as it's not healthy. I'm running out of options, though." She tightened her ponytail, pulling the free strands back. "I miss chocolate..."
"...Mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill."
"Buh-bye Bill." Sam sniffed.
"Hey, Boromir? I'll give you a bit of advice, if you want."
"What is it?"
"I'll phrase it in the form of a Latin proverb, partly because I'm not good at the whole affection thing, unless it's sarcastic. And it's the only thing I can remember from my entire school career." Boromir raised his eyebrows expectantly. She took a deep breath. "Te occidere possunt sed te edere non possunt nefas est."
"It is a beautiful language. What does it mean?"
"They can kill you, but they cannot eat you, it is against the law."
"How... fascinating."
"Boromir?"
"Hmm?"
"Have you ever had a dream where-" Splash.
Bollocks. I was meant stop that from happening. She glanced over and saw black, rippling rings slowly fanning out on the waters. Damn you Boromir! "Do not disturb the water."
"Yes." She agreed. "Because there is a giant squid in their, who will most likely want to eat you."
Merry and Pippin tittered nervously, unsure if she was joking or not. The ripples grew and Aragorn reached for his weapon. Gandalf sat down in despair like a sack of potatoes. The oldest, thinnest sack of potatoes you've ever seen. The sack of potatoes you would never buy at the supermarket, even if you were going to a potato party and just needed a lot of potatoes. But I digress.
"It is a riddle."Yay! We're getting somewhere! "Speak, friend, and enter. What is the Elvish word for friend?"
"MELLON!" Bellowed Elizabeth. The rock face silently divided in the centre and two great doors swung outwards, revealing a blackness deeper than the night.