Only You Understand My Pain
Kakashi x Hinata fanfic
Chapter 23
The Fourth Member of Team Eight
It had been two weeks since Tsunade and Kakashi had increased her training. Even though she felt her body straining from all the work she was putting into controlling her genkai she was pleased with herself. For once she didn't feel like she was a complete failure. Steps behind all the other jounin her age. She had already mastered holding a chakra scalpel for nearly an hour. Though she found herself quickly drained soon after and unable to push any further for the rest of the day.
To Tsunade happiness she had also mastered the next level of scroll texts and even perfected all the hand signs to Mystical Palm Technique. So well that she was already applying her new skills to some of the patients in the emergency room. Granted she was only allowed to heal incoming shinobi with non life threatening injures but it was a start. Tsunade had her now making rounds at the hospital twice a week accompanied usually by Lady Tsunade herself or Shizune.
When she was able, she actually enjoyed putting in extra time with Sakura, in the children's ward. She quickly found that this was the ward she enjoyed working the most out of all.
Even with her busy schedule the weight on her shoulders had not lessened. Time was running out and she felt hopeless to do anything to change the upcoming future. She tried to hold positive thoughts. In a few days, Tsunade had decided she would begin her training in the large white room. The only room in the hospital large enough to hold the glowing green seals for chikatsu saisei no jutsu. The techniques of healing resuscitation and regeneration.
In fact just the other day Sakura had pouted with jealousy when she heard. Complaining that it had been a full year before Lady Tsunade would even allowed her near the special regeneration room.
However the time spent next to Kakashi. Training under his watchful eyes were the most serene. Seeing him smile, when they were alone. Some how over the months, she saw his walls crumble away. He no longer wore his mask when they were alone training.
Truly the days with Kakashi were the only time her heart felt light. His patient ways reminded her of the old times when she was a genin training with her team…her friends…her family. Even though she could not deny the fact he was a better sight to lay her eyes upon.
After the incident with the senbon, Hinata knew she could no longer deny her feelings. Though she tried night after night. Only to find the vision of his mouth so close to hers, every time her eyes slid closed. Dreams so vivid she swore his scent, masculine and woodsy truly invaded her senses like an aphrodisiac. Wrapping around her skin, like the first morning dew covering the forest leaves. Leaving her enthralled and trembling for more.
She knew he was the only man who could ever make her heart feel full. Not the childish flutter she had felt years ago for Naruto but warmth so intense. A sensation she had believed would be forever gone. Emptied, drained away ever since the night she lost them.
Brushing her long hair back, she tried to stop the rambling fantasies filling her mind. She wasn't going to kid herself, that she could ever have Kakashi's broken heart. She knew there was no way on this green earth that he could ever fall for her. She could list all the reasons but why go through the shame and self abuse. She had a father and a whole clan of elders who pointed each and every one of them out to her on a continuous basis.
With a steadying breath she pushed down the self doubt and self esteem issues into a dark corner of her mind as she made her way out the hospitals staff only door. A crisp breeze blew through her loose hair as she walked.
Slowly a deep, crimson red, maple leaf drifted down in front of her. An unnerved breath, leaving her lips as she caught sight of the first signs of the approaching autumn. Crouching down, she plucked the leaf up. Twirling the stem between her fingers. The leaf was not yet dry and cracked but on it's way. Proof fall was growing ever closer, as was her father's deadline.
Time was passing, moving faster. Her lost friends drifting further away with the passing of time. She stared down at the dying leaf. Continuously twirling the leaf as she tried to remember Kiba's loud boisterous laugh. The way his one fang would jut out, when he gave her his infamous wide grin.
How Shino could stand in front of her. Arms folded, dark glasses, and tall coat collar covering his face however Hinata could still tell if he was happy, sad, or ready to strangle Kiba. She could almost hear his rare deep chuckle but how long would she remember these small things? The things most individuals took for granted. She was already feeling the fading of memory. Of how Kiba would hold her hand safely within his own when she was frightened. Shino's steadying hand on her shoulder showing his confidence in her. The sense of warmth sleeping between the two while on mission. Like being held in a safe cocoon.
Letting the leaf slip from her delicate fingertips. She watched as it skipped along the cool breeze, cursing inwardly. Time was cruel and it was taking them even further away from her. Without a second thought she let her feet travel over the familiar path. Down past the whispering, staring villagers and their gossiping mouths.
Her footsteps soft and light as she left the main road and down the small dirt and pebbled path to the only anchor she had left to the ones she lost. She still had a little time to say hello before she met up with Kakashi for their afternoon training session.
Hinata was only a few steps from her serene sanctuary, when a deep gravely voice called out to her. Turning slowly around, her pale eyes widened as they fell on the familiar wolf like form of Kuromaru.
Hinata's mind reeled seeing Tsume Inuzuka's nin dog. Kuromaru stood stoutly and slightly intimidating, with his disfigured ear and eye patch. His head lifted proudly, he was head of the Inuzuka ninken.
It wasn't that it was unnervingly frightening to her or even oddly insane, hearing the dogs gravely voice. Over the years, Hinata had practically become an unofficial member of the Inuzuka clan. Kiba knowing Hinata's grief at home would often bring her to his clan's home. She spent numerous hours playing with the ninken pups and staying for countless family dinners. She even helped Hana at the Inuzuka veterinary clinic when ever she was short staffed. Some of Hinata's happiest childhood memories were spent at the clan home with Kiba and his family.
"Kuromaru!" Hinata smiled, kneeling down in front of the head ninkin of the Inuzuka clan.
"I have missed you and…"Her soft voice trailing off forlornly. She was quickly faced with the fact she had been purposely avoiding Tsume, Hana, and especially Akamaru. It was her fault that she had not saved Kiba. She knew quite well what a coward she had become. Avoiding the whole Inuzuka clan just like she was with the Aburame clan. After the memorial she just did not know what to say. 'I'm sorry', just did not cut it.
"Lady Hinata it is urgent you come with me now!" Kuromaru said gruffly.
"Why?" Hinata voice, coming out slightly trill. A fierce panic gripping her chest. "Nothing bad has happened to Lady Tsume or Hana?" She gasped when his head dropped sadly then quickly darted back up once again holding his head stoic and unmoving.
"No, they are both well Lady Hinata. It is Akamaru who…" He never finished his sentence as she pushed past him. Her legs moving fast, darting in and out of the crowded main streets. With a gruff growl Kuromaru dashed after.
Fear seized Hinata, adrenaline fueling her body as she made it across the village in half the time. Leaving the roads behind as she jumped over one rooftop to another. Ignoring the glares and disapproving 'tsks' from the streets below. Acting as if they had never seen a shinobi travel in such a fashion. Yet she was not a typical shinobi in most villagers' minds. She was the Hyuga heiress.
Giving a quick glance behind to see that Kuromaru was right behind on her heels. As they grew closer to the Inuzuka clan gates he sped passed her. Dropping down to the ground before her.
"This way Lady Hinata." The first thing Hinata noticed was how quiet the clan grounds were. Way to quiet, for a clan with over a few dozen nin dogs. It was normally bustling with yips, playful growls, and wagging tails. Something was seriously wrong, more then just the death of their clan leader's son.
"Oh thank Kami-sama you came." The familiar voice of Hana cried out. Hinata found herself enveloped in a warm, sisterly embrace.
"H…Hana?" Hinata's voice coming out a mere whisper. Her arms automatically moving from her sides returning the older jounin's hug. She couldn't stop the tears from welling up, in her pale lavender eyes.
"Oh Hinata… I have missed you …we all have." She cried, her own tears pooling in her dark amber eyes.
"Why did you stay away?" Hana asked, pulling back to stare at the shorter woman. Her hands still holding on to Hinata arms. Hinata tried to come up with a plausible excuse besides the truth. Rather then stating the real cause of her absence was because she was a failure and a coward.
Hinata stiffened, as a harsh voice rang out loudly in the afternoon air.
"Yes Hyuga…. just where the hell have you been? "A cold shiver ran down Hinata's spine at the icy sound of Tsume's voice.
"My only son is dead…"Her eyes narrowing into slits. The matriarch of the Inuzuka clan was not one to ever hold back. "Now the young girl who grew up, practically as one of our own just vanishes. What was it Hinata, did you just decide you need no waste your time with us commoners! Is that it heiress?" Tsume snapped. Hinata turned away unable to face her. The scar on her face burning, fiercely as her chest tightened with grief.
"Mother!" Hana hissed, sending her mother a very scolding look.
"Answer me Hinata Hyuga!" Hinata turned, slowly at the sound of Tsume's harsh strangled voice. Looking up through sorrow filled eyes. Pale tear filled eyes, facing the mother of her deceased friend. A mother who's face was tight with deep sorrow. Suddenly Hinata watched her weathered face soften.
"Oh Hinata…I am such a bitter old woman anymore." Her hand reaching up, brushing Hinata's wet cheeks. Erasing the tears that were coursing down her pale, cold cheeks. She let herself be enveloped into the older woman's strong embrace. Clinging to her like a lost child. A broken sob coming from her lips.
"I...I'm so sorry…It's all my fault!" Hinata's words gushing out between broken sobs. The scar burning painfully at each aching cry. "I ..I failed them!"
"Oh little one… is that why you stayed away all these last months? "Tsume cooed in her deep weathered voice. "Oh you silly…silly child. None of this was your doing." Her long, clawed fingers motherly combing through Hinata's long hair.
"It is just the cruel fate of being a shinobi. "Tsume sighed heavily. "I know how much you cared for my boy. He loved you very much Hinata… I had hoped that one day he would make you officially part of our family…"Tsume's voice drifting off sadly. Hinata felt Hana's comforting hand on her shoulder.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Hinata." Hana smiled weakly. "I find great solace knowing you were with my brother in his final moments."
Tsume lifted Hinata chin gently with her clawed fingers.
"You are family to us Hinata. You will always be welcome in the Inuzuka clan home." Tsume voice coming out unusually soft for her personality. "That is why I had Kuromaru fetch you." Her face growing serious as she stared into Hinata's eyes. "You're Inuzuka family needs you desperately."
That feeling of unease that she had before entering the clan grounds filled her, churning in her stomach.
"What's wrong?" Hinata whispered fearing the approaching doom of something terrible coming her way.
"Come inside Hinata." Hana replied, taking her wrist and pulling her towards the house. Giving her mother a disheartened glance.
"Hinata you know how bonded a Inuzuka is with their ninkin…correct?" Tsume asked as they entered the roomy house. Hinata nodded knowingly. She always knew how close Kiba and Akamaru were. More then just master and pet. Realizing this, that knowing feeling grew in her gut, twisting with fear.
"Well when a Inuzuka dies before their bonded nin dog it can have serious consequences."
Hinata gasped at her words. Her knees buckling slightly under her small frame. With a shaky hand she leaned against the wall.
"Akamaru!" She whispered sadly. Why had she not realized this sooner. She had let herself become so wrapped up in her on grief over Kiba and Shino's death that she had forgotten her team's fourth member.
"Hinata…Akamaru is dying." Tsume said darkly.
"He is not dead yet mother…I am still holding out hope." Hana said wearily looking over to Hinata. "He's refusing food and now…"She paused reaching for some form of control. Letting out strained breath. Hana's eyes locked with Hinata's.
"Hinata it is now to the point he is refusing water. I have been trying I.V. replacement to counter dehydration but it just not enough. Hinata he is wasting away before my eyes. It's like he has just given up and I powerless to stop it." Hana sobbed. "I'm a fucking veterinarian I can't even save my late brothers bonded ninkin!" Tsume moved to hold her daughter.
"Akamaru lost his master…you can not blame your skills in veterinary medicine for this daughter."
"Hinata maybe if you visit with him…talk to him...try something… anything." Hana begged. " Hell if I know what… you just have to.. ."Another sob breaking from her lips.
"I lost my brother…I just can't lose Akamaru too." Hana wiped her face with the back of her hand, the tears still coming. Turning to walk away she looked back at her mother who stood in the hallway. Hinata leaning against the wall. "Please Hinata…"
Tsume turned sadly towards Hinata. "She is holding on to hope but I fear…" She paused taking Hinata's arm and leading her down the long hallway.
"Go Hinata…. he's waiting for you." With that, she turned leaving Hinata alone.
Hinata froze seeing the familiar door. Her heart pounding like a drum against her chest. She just could not go any further. Her feet frozen to the wood floor boards beneath her.
Before this nightmare her life had become she would have normally bounded through the door . Just like she always did in the early morning hours. Dragging Kiba out of bed for training. Even though he grumbled he would always give her his famous fanged smile. She use to say it was brighter then the sun above. Shino would stand in the doorway quietly. Only to chuckle deeply when ever Kiba, still half asleep, would trip out of bed landing painfully on the floor.
Now she stared at the scratched wood on the door. Frozen to the core of her heart. Unable to even reach for the door knob. This was Kiba's bedroom . All of what was left behind of him was held behind that dark wooden door. How could she go in there? How could she disturb what was left. She was not strong enough to face it all.
"Kiba…"His name leaving her lips on an exhaled whisper. She could already feel, her own warm tears travel down her cheeks, to drip on the floor beneath. Seeping into the hardwood flooring, covered in numerous scratches. All caused by the happy scampering pawed claws of Akamaru.
A pitiful whimpered whine slipped through the door. It was if it had reached out and wrapped around her broken heart. Suddenly nothing was holding her back. Within a hairs breath she was pushing through the door and tumbling into the room. Her eyes only focusing on one item, in the large messy room. Her feet stepping over Kiba's tossed, dirty clothes and numerous half rolled scrolls scattered here and there. Kunai and shurikens thrown haphazardly around the floor. Items all left the way they had been discarded, like a memorial frozen in time. Reaching the bed Hinata's breath caught at the sight of the formally overly large nin dog.
"Akamaru! Oh Akamaru…" Burring her face in his once soft fur that was now course and knotted. She could feel his bones. It was as if the only thing holding him together was the skin around him. He was wasting away to nothing.
"Oh Akamaru!" Her voice cried softly. Sitting up she could hardly believe this was the great and powerful ninkin Akamaru. Her Akamaru was nothing but skin and bones… an empty shell. Running her fingers gentle through his hair she kept whispering his name over and over again until she finally heard him whine softly.
His head lifting slightly. Cloudy, dark brown eyes gazing sadly up at her. Then with another weak whimper his head dropped, eyes closing.
"Oh Akamaru…sweet Akamaru…you can't leave me too!" She gasped through a veil of tears. "Please I can't lose you…I…I… lost Kiba and Shino…dammit… I can't lose you. You are all I have left of our little team eight family."
Laying her head next to him, she closed her eyes. Clasping her trembling hands together she cried out pleading to all the Gods and Goddesses, her voice broken with heart breaking sobs. Yet he stayed the same still and unresponsive. She moved to lay her head softly against Akamaru's chest. Tears soaking his wet, white fur as she listened to his heart beat. It was a even beat…thump …thump. Yet she knew it was weakening day by day.
She knew how broken he was to lose his master. Her heart ached like his… lost, broken and shattered. Akamaru the lively little puppy who sat on Kiba's head. The one who always offered his warmth. Lying next to her as the cold seeped through the thin tent walls. The one she would whisper to in secret when the rest went to sleep. The pup she told all her lonely, hopeless, feelings of inadequacy as a Hyuga heiress. When they were young he was her confessor. A safe way to release her sorrow. His head lying on her lap listening, yet never judging. Sweet, gentle Akamaru who had a heart like a lion. Protecting his master and his team mates. The nin-kin who grew to be a mighty warrior. Large as a lion yet still a hopeless pup at heart.
The sensation of a rather dry tongue brushing against her hand had her sitting up like a bolt of lightening pale eyes wide and wet.
"Akamaru!" She smiled gentle bending down nose to nose with him.
"You can hear me, can't you…?" He replied with another weak lick, his head barely able to lift up.
"Oh Akamaru …you know I love you…"Brushing her nose against his dry one in a little doggie kiss. Just like she had done countless numbers of time, ever since he was just a small bundle of fur sitting in Kiba's coat.
"Listen to me Akamaru… you have to do what Hana tells you. You need to eat and grow strong like before." Sighing she ran her hand over his ears, scruffing them a little. "You and I are still a team… we are family." Sitting up, she turned her head sadly away as she bit back the tears.
"I know Kiba is gone and he was your master… your bond mate but…" She bit her lips harder when she heard his pitiful whimper. Taking a steady breath she leaned down to stare into his sad eyes. "Maybe you could choose another…Kiba would not want you to let go and fade away like this Akamaru. He loved you too much." Running her hand through his fur she thought for a moment.
"Listen Akamaru I am training to be a medic and… well…there will be times when I have to go on missions as a teams medical support. I could use your help as my ears and nose." A soft smile growing by the moment on her pink lips. "Think about it Akamaru with my eyes and your great sense of smell and hearing we could save so many lives. Find lost shinobi and help the wounded. Akamaru please don't give up…"
Hinata startled slightly when she heard Hana open the door. Leaning down Hinata pressed a kiss to his furry head and gave him a whispered I love you buddy. Standing up she followed Hana to the door before closing the door she gave one last pleading try.
"Please be strong and hold on for me Akamaru." With that she closed the door following Hana down the hall.
"Hinata thank you…I heard what you said…and I am so grateful you still consider him your teammate."
"So you saw him open his eyes and lick my hand." Hana nodded softly.
"So he will get better right!" Hinata asked, her voice pleading hopefully.
"I won't lie to you Hinata. He only has maybe a ten percent chance of making it. In fact mother is surprised he has lived this long. Like we said before ninkin hardly ever survive after their Inuzuka master dies. They just can not handle the bond being broken. It is formed when they are just pups and grows stronger the older they get. " Her eyes widened as she saw Hinata's face pale. "I'm sorry Hinata maybe I was wrong to have asked you to come."
"B..But he has to make it!" Hinata pleaded her voice rising sharply. "Hana you're the best veterinary medical nin in the village!"
"Hinata I have tried everything…I …I am just unable to do anything more. It is up to Akamaru now and it seems he wants to join Kiba on the other side." A tear sliding down her tattooed cheeks "I'm sorry Hinata."
Hinata had lost Kiba and Shino and now to be told she would lose another member of team eight's family. It was all to much for her to take. She felt her heart crack, like glass.
"No!" Hinata's voice a high pitched wail as she pushed past Hana.
"Hinata!"
Running out the door Hinata's mind not even comprehending Hana and Tsume's worried cries to come back. She couldn't stop, her feet carrying her out of the Inuzuka clan gates and down the back streets. Salty tears streaming from her pale eyes into the air behind. She didn't stop till she reached the memorial. Dropping down, crashing to her knees. The grass scrapping and staining her knees.
Hinata closed her eyes leaning her head against the black wall. She knew exactly how Hana felt. To be helpless unable to save the one you loved. To stop their unnecessary death. A vision of Kiba and Shino's bloody bodies flickered behind her closed eyelids. If she had just been stronger. Had more medical training she could have saved their lives. She felt like she was drowning. The water crashing in all around her pulling her in deeper. Into an abyss of dark despair.
"Not Akamaru you can't take another one from me!" She screamed into the crisp air. Her anguish cries so loud it sent a flock of birds scattering from the surrounding trees.
"I can't lose another!" Her small, porcelain white, fists pounding against the dark stone. Dark as the cloud of pain that surrounded her heart ever since they died.
"No!…No! No!" She screamed over and over again. Her body so numb with heartache she could not feel the pain as her knuckles began to bleed. Drops of dark crimson blood spotted the black stone. Dripping slowly down to the ground below. The air surrounding the monument was still, only broken by her anguished cries as she continued to pound against the wall. Heartbroken and numb to the world around her.
Her body was filled, with an unquenchable, pain. Her mind so tormented it didn't comprehend when a warm chest pressed itself against her back.
Hinata continued to scream, a rapid rage of sorrow. Even as muscular arms wrapped around her. The strong, calloused, hands attached to those long arms, reached out clutching her delicate wrists tightly. Never failing in holding her protectively, as she continued to struggle against her savior. It took several minutes until she finally collapsed against him exhausted.
Her eyes slipping closed as her mind drifted off to the memories of the night of the battle. The night their earthly lights were extinguished. When the ones she loved slipped between her fingers.
She remembered the feeling of her chakra slowly ebbing away. Bringing her closer to death. A death she had welcomed with open arms, so bitterly sweet. She remembered that the silence of the deep woods was broken by Akamaru's howls. Like a poignant funeral dirge, echoing through the darkness of night.
She recalled letting her heart lift and float along with that piteous sound of endless desolation. Ready to embrace the next phase of life. Where her death would reunite her with her team…her family that held her heart.
That was when it happened. A deep voice with an overwhelming strength and yet also kind. So warm it called out to her from the darkness. Pleading with her to not die…to just hold on.
"Kakashi! " Hinata gasped, her long lashed eyelids flying open. Lavender eyes growing wide with the knowledge it had been Kakashi who had pulled her from death. She had forgotten so much of that night. Only the images of Kiba and Shino lying in puddles of their own blood haunted her mind. Yet Kakashi had shown up, dropping from the forest canopy to her aid.
Kakashi didn't fight her when she pulled away. His eye watching her as she faltered trembling as she stood.
She had forgotten that he had found her. Her mind started to recall all of that horrible night. Know she understood how he had come to know of her Aoi kaen genkai. Tsunade had only stated that Kakashi knew of it and why had she kept it a secret from her Hokage. Tsunade never added where he had seen it or that it was Kakashi who had saved her that night.
"It was you that night…you saved me the night of the battle." Kakashi eye never left her. Watching as she turned her head away. As if hiding herself, alone and lost in memories.
The night's stiff breeze moving through her long, dark locks of hair. Uncovering her smooth porcelain like skin. The full moon reflecting in the rush of tears that fell from her clouded lavender eyes. Causing them to glitter against her pale cheeks. His ears once again hearing her say his name. It was so soft as if said on an exhale of breath, reaching out to him in need.
"Hinata…"His arms never wavering as he reached out, pulling her close against his beating heart. Wrapping her in his warmth. His rich warm voice whispering her name, soothing her.
After awhile, he himself was unsure of all the words he whispered slowly, softly into her ears. Yet he never ceased, never let go, till her tears ceased. He could no longer deny his feelings as he held her protectively under the moons light. He had fallen in love with the dark haired rose.
'I will protect you Mai Bara…even if it is from yourself.'
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O.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.O.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.O
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Sorry I have once again taken so long to get out the next chapter. Now before you all start freaking out and writing to me flaming daggers…that I can not kill off Akamaru.
I am not going to do that!!!!
There is a purpose with bringing him into the story. That and how could I kill off that adorable ball of fur.
Well, I hope you like this chapter and I will try and get the next one out sooner then this one. Thanks so much for reading and please review!
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Ninken…nin dog
Mai bara…my rose
Bara…rose
Kami/Kami-sama…god
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Saisei no Jutsu, literally "Healing Resuscitation Regeneration Technique"
This jutsu uses a part of the patient's body as a medium to heal their wounds. It requires an almost room-wide seal and a lot of time to complete. The medic-nin on hand actually have to trade places after tiring, indicating just how long it takes. This was used successfully on Neji Hyuga during the Sasuke Retrieval arc.
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Mystical Palm Technique is a multipurpose technique that can heal wounds and perform surgery.
Hand Seals: Tiger, Horse, Rabbit, Rat, Dog
To heal with the ability, users collect chakra to their hand to speed up cell regeneration wherever it is applied. For the latter, the user focuses their chakra into a blade to make cuts where necessary, though because the blade is made of chakra the flesh is never cut. This aspect of the ability can be used in combat, though it requires great precision to be effective. When utilized in combat it allows the user to sever their opponent's muscle fibers or their chakra circulatory system at the point of contact.