Chapter Twenty Six: Of Choices
"And I, I will remember how to fly,
Unlock the heavens in my mind,
Follow my love,
Back through the same secret door."
- Evanescence, Secret Door.
When the blackness cleared, she was certain that she was dreaming. She had to be. There was the ocean. And the woman. No, not a woman. How long had she been here? A vague tickling at the back of her mind reminded her. Not a woman, a goddess. She stood before Elizabeth now, with white raiment, old eyes and a young face. As another time she couldn't quite remember, the air smelled of salt. And blood. And regret.
"We meet again, Lost One." She spoke and touched Elizabeth on the forehead, fingers gentle. "Do you know me?"
She tried to recall the dreams in greater detail. A name, a nature, a personality, anything about this goddess. But she couldn't. "No." She answered. "I'm sorry."
"Do not be. I know you." Said the goddess. "My name is Nienna." Nienna? She knew that name. "I have been watching you through your journey. You certainly are... different."
Elizabeth smiled torpidly. "Where am I, exactly?"
"The Halls of Waiting. Well, not at the moment. Presently, you are by the sea. I have come to offer you a choice."
Elizabeth always did hate choosing. She looked out onto the waves. The mist filled her lungs and the breeze tangled itself in her hair. The sea was restless, as it constantly was. Dangerous but peaceful. She tried to remember, but it was difficult. It was like trying to find clarity in a bowl of ink. Murky. Clouded. "What choice is that?" She asked.
"You can either go back to your own world. Go back to normality. Forget about your time in Middle Earth. Yet you would live."
Live? She thought, dazed. Am I dead?
"You would be happy, but unaware of the love you felt, the decisions you made, the people you met. All of it would disappear. Or, you can go back to the Halls of Mandos." She met Elizabeth's eyes. "I know there are souls who desire your company. However, by making this choice, you could never return to Middle Earth, nor your own land. You would be trapped, no matter how lovely the prison is. Your body would die in your home realm."
It came rushing back. All in one big tidal wave. Boromir. Uruk-hai. Pain. The emotion hit her full in the chest. Contracting like a monster in a cage, wanting to be free. She gasped raggedly. Nienna did not move or give any indication she was alarmed. Hot tears coursed down her cheeks. The air seemed to sing around her. Except for the waves, it was completely silent and it was devouring her. She exhaled and closed her eyes, feeling so stupid, so bitter and so helpless that she couldn't save him.
She screeched. In misery and in a moment of madness. The fragile silence shattered and dispersed, living the air clear of tension. But not of grief. The sorrow lingering in her heart, in her whole body.
"I feel your pain." Murmured Nienna in consolation.
She appreciated the comfort. "I don't want to forget." She whispered. "The memories... they are important. I won't be the same person without them. If I forget, I won't be the same."
Nienna smiled wistfully.
She had made her choice.