Chapter Three
~Zachary Goode~November 17~
"You should move on, Zach...it's not healthy for you or for MC," Nick said quietly.
Oh, fuck, no.
I hit rock bottom.
I slammed my empty beer bottle on the patio table and stared at him with what I hope were raging eyes.
"What the fuck do you know, Nick? What the FUCK do you know?" I yelled. My hands were trembling.
I miss you, baby.
"You didn't know her! She's my life! Macey and Cameron are my life! How can I fucking MOVE ON? You didn't know her like I did. HELL you didn't even meet her! You don't know what she did for me! For everyone in this Goddamn world! FU-"
"Daddy?" I heard a soft voice behind me.
I didn't realize I was crying.
I noticed my angel was crying.
"I's okay, Daddy," MC ran up to me as I bent down, cradling her to me.
We both cried. For everything.
I miss you so much, it hurts so bad, Cammie.
"Look...Zach, I'm sorry..." I heard Nick say from where he stood behind me. The barbecue chicken has probably been burned to crap.
I stood up with MC still in my arms. It was times like these that I wanted to lock ourselves out from the rest of the world. I wanted to hide my little girl from the outside. I know that was irrational and that MC's grandmother would try to take custody of her again if I did. Can a father help trying?
"You should leave, Nick," I all but growled at the guy. He didn't know my wife. He didn't understand what it felt like to lose the one person in the world that was more important than your own life. He didn't-doesn't-feel that pain.
"Don't talk to my husband like that, Zachary, or else I will kick your a-assets," she stumbled with her curses, realizing that my seven year old daughter was still present though she had fallen asleep almost instantly.
"Fine. Both of you, OUT!" My words were cold and harsh. I could see the disbelief in Macey's eyes. I haven't acted this way since when she first disappeared.
I was tired as Hell. I kept hearing their questions in my head.
"When did you last talk to your wife?"
"Did you and Mrs. Goode have any problems within your marriage?"
"Why didn't she stay with her baby?"
Or the most shocking:
"Your wife was one of our best agents. She should have rested after her pregnancy. She probably would have been able to fight off any threat if she wasn't so weak from her recovery."
That damn baby.
That fucking baby.
That's all anyone cared about. That damn baby.
What about my wife?
The baby is safe at our house. She doesn't even realize that her mom is gone.
Damn that baby to Hell.
It's all it's fault.
It's all that damn baby's fault.
"Zach?" I could hear Cammie's mother come into view. Her cheeks were flushed and blotchy, her eyes were swollen from crying.
"Hi Rachel," I deadpanned, slamming the door shut.
Fucking big mistake.
As soon as the door slammed shut, a high pitched wailing sound pierced the air.
"Damnit Zach!" Rachel yells, "I just got her to sleep!"
I narrow my eyes and clench my fists. If the dark circles under my eyes didn't make me look like a zombie, my usual green eyes darkening must've made me look like a soul reaper from Hell.
"GO! Comfort your baby!" Rachel yells at me when the crying gets louder and more frantic.
Damn that baby.
"Why should I?" I said through my clenched teeth. Something hot and wet dripped down my cheek until slipping off my chin and onto my jacket.
Where are you Cookie?
"Because your that baby girl's father! Why the Hell wouldn't you take care of your OWN daughter!" Rachel's own fist clenches. "She needs her father," she said barely over a whisper.
There's so much pain, Cookie. I can't see our daughter. Not when it's her fault you're gone.
I let out a shaky breath as I hear the shrieks turn to sobs, "Fine."
Rachel sobs into her hands and slides to the floor, shaking uncontrollably as I ascend the stairs.
I make it to the front of the nursery door and break down.
"Babe, I love you so much, you didn't have to do all of this," I could hear her voice in my head as I remembered when I fist showed her the nursery.
"I did it for you. And for my little munchkin," I whispered to myself, eyes closed.
The sobs turn irregular with little gasps of air in between.
I opened the door slowly, my anger growing stronger and stronger.
I walked over to the crib and looked down at the little month-and-a-half year old girl.
"It's all your fault, you know," I said gripping the side of the crib.
She stopped shrieking out but tears still fell from her innocent eyes.
She had no clue how much pain I am.
"It's your fault that your mom is gone, did you know that? Do you feel anything?" I knew I was being irrational and well...a dick.
MC just looked up at me with the same eyes as mine, her little hands reaching up for me. I had no intentions of even touching her.
"Do you realize that it's your fault. everything is your fault!" I screamed at the unknowing child between my own tears.
Tears welled back up in her eyes as she tried to stretch her arms even further up to me, her fingers trying to signal for me to pick her up.
"NO!" I yelled at her. I could hear knocking on the nursery door. But it was locked.
"ZACH! What are you DOING!" Rachel yelled through the barrier.
Everything else seemed so far away.
"D-do you even r-realize that...it's all my fault!" I placed my elbows on the edge of the crib and covered my face with my hands. "It's my fault your mommy is gone. It's my fault she isn't here. I-It's m-my fault!" I sobbed.
So much pain.
I need you so bad, Cookie.
I hurt all over. Make it go away, Love.
I could hear MC squirming in her crib, kicking her legs and flailing her arms around to try to reach me.
But everything seems so far away.
I take my hands away from my eyes to peer down at her. She has her bottom lip pulled into her mouth, her barely visible eyebrows are furrowed and her nose is wrinkled.
Oh, God, Cookie. She looks just like you.
I can't take it anymore and lift the little baby into my arms as we both begin to cry again.
I rub her back in soothing circles until I'm the only one left crying.
I cradle her in my arms to see her green orbs looking at me curiously.
"You are so beautiful, munckin'" I coo to my baby girl doing a complete 180 from earlier.
Her hands reach up to hold my face between them.
"Your mom was beautiful too. You look just like her..." I sigh, "I would always tell her how beautiful she really is. The word 'beautiful' doesn't do your mom justice," I choke on the last part.
Her thin strands of dark blond hair sticks to her wet cheeks as she yawns.
"She would always deny that she was pretty, but no one in this whole universe could compare," the corners of my lips start to turn up but I can't smile. I just can't smile yet.
"She had this habit of always getting some kind of midnight snack, hoping I would never notice. Of course I did. She preferred macadamia and chocolate chip cookies, though. When her best friend, Bex-you know, Auntie Bex from next door?-told her that she would get fat one day and regret her 'horrid habit'," I would have laughed at the memory of her shocked expression, "Of course, your mother tried to go on a diet, trying to eat healthy foods along with your Aunt Macey and Aunt Liz. But, I went downstairs one night because your mom was supposed to be working late and I thought a burglar broke in. I wound up find your mom stuffing her face with macadamia chocolate chip cookies," tears slipped down to the tip of my nose and onto MC's cheek.
She giggled.
God, Baby, everything she does is you.
"I told her I would keep her secret, she told me, "I'm your wife, you damn better keep it a secret. Would you want me to have to lose the bet?" But then I told your mom, "Cookie, you don't need to be on a diet because you are my beautiful, loving wife and you don't need to change a thing. I will even buy you a box of goods so you can get your fix at night when it's just the two of us." I think she took that the wrong way though...but I didn't really care." I say laughing a bit through my tears.
MC's bright innocent eyes looked up at me with such innocence...so much...love.
I lifted her body closer with one arm so I could nuzzle my nose to her cheek.
Strawberries, baby food and you, Cookie. I thought as I inhaled my baby's sweet scent. Her hands rubbed both my cheeks, she gave me a funny look when she felt my scruff.
I haven't been able to shave in two weeks.
"D-Do you want to see a picture of your mommy? You h-haven't seen her in...so...long," I struggled to keep my sobs at bay as I reached over to the small table with the lamp on top to grab one of the pictures of Cammie.
She had her reading glasses on, her dirty blond hair flowing down her sides as she smiled at me as I took the picture of her while she studied her first case. I was studying for the BAR exam and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity when my fiance looked so cute in her glasses. Her smile was big, showing off her straight, white teeth and the slight dimples I learned to adore. You could even see a faint blush rising up her neck.
You're so Beautiful, Cookie.
Perfect.
I hold up the picture for MC to look at as my head rests sideways against hers.
Her face breaks into a smile that warms my heart to see.
So beautiful. So Perfect.
All we need is you, Cookie.
"We'll be back for my niece's birthday tomorrow, Zach. Until then, I suggest you get your act together. I might not be able to defend you anymore against Aunt Rachel over custody," Macey stormed off the patio and back into the house.
Nick stuffed his hands in his pockets, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, man. I just hate seeing you like this every year."
I wanted to be angry and yell at him to leave me the Hell alone. It was easier to be angry than to pretend to be happy.
But I could see the worry in his expression.
They just care about me and MC.
So, I nodded my head at my best friend, forgiving him.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Nick pulled his jacket closer to him as a gust of icy wind swirled around us. I could feel MC start to shiver.
"Daddy, blue icing does not go on my nose," MC squealed as I took the icing spatula and wiped it across my baby girl's face.
I shook with laughter only our daughter could bring in the past almost seven years. Damn did it feel good.
"My hands...OH NO! I'm outta control Munchkin!..." I started to wave the spatula around in the air, swatting her every time with the blue frosting.
"AHHH Daddy! NO!" she giggled, trying to get the frosting out of her hair. "Your hand is evil?" she squeaked.
Suddenly I dropped the spatula and made my hands into claws, "No...I AM THE EVIL JAFAR"
"NOOO, Aladdin save me!" she cried out as I started to chase her around the kitchen island.
Her newest obsession was Disney Princesses, specifically Jasmine from Aladdin. Hence the blue frosting since Jasmine wore that blue getup in the movie. She even asked if she could dye her hair black so she could look like Jasmine. Hell. No.
I would never change her beautiful hair, Cookie.
"Hey, Daddy...?"
"Yeah, Munchkin?" I asked after the chaos was over, ending in me getting punched in the stomach. Now I MC was placed on the kitchen island as I tried to wipe the blue frosting from her face.
"When is Momma gonna come back?"
She looked so innocent, asking that question.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
My mouth was open agape. My eyes threatened to gush out another round of waterfalls. My chest twisted in pain.
I knew this day would come. When MC would ask about her mom. I showed her pictures, I told her stories of our childhood together when she couldn't sleep. I played the role of father and mother to our child. Macey Cameron would never hear her mother's voice, she would never know what it was like to have both parents.
I promised myself long ago that my children wouldn't have that life I had.
I'm sorry I didn't keep that promise, Cookie.
She would never celebrate Mother's Day. She didn't understand why every year before Christmas I would go through breakdowns. It was her 'anniversary'. She would know why I have her stay at one of her Aunt's houses in June. That was our wedding anniversary. She wouldn't feel the emptiness in the house that I felt every March 31st when Cammie's birthday arrived.
She would never understand why her father is broken.
Or maybe she would, but she would never fully understand. No one would.
"Daddy...?" MC asked, playing with the collar of my shirt as I came back from my thoughts.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Tear.
Inhale.
Tear.
Exhale.
"Baby..." Damn, my voice cracked, "Your mommy isn't coming back."
She looked at me confused, "Why, Daddy? Di'nt she love us?"
"She loved us very m-much Mace...She just c-can't come back," her expression didn't change, "She's..." I can't say it, "in Heaven, sweety," it came out as a whisper.
She shrugged her shoulders and continued to play with her Jasmine and Belle dolls like nothing happened.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
She doesn't know what that means, Cookie. She loves you, too, Love.
But she doesn't know. She doesn't understand.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
She just shrugged as if she was asking me for a fucking ice cream cone but I said 'No'.
So much pain.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
I don't know how. I don't know when. But all of a sudden my house was filled to the brim with seven year old girls and their moms.
"Everybody, let's go play outside with the Birthday Girl!" the Jasmine impersonator we hired said, taking her balloon thing with her to go entertain-only God knows-however many kids.
"You're a great father," a lady I've never met before said, holding out her hand. She had blond hair that looked artificial. I looked up at her face and one thing came to mind: Artificial.
"Thanks," I muttered.
"I'm Tina Walters," she says, dropping her hand when I passed on the offer to touch her gangly fingers. "I'm a single mom."
Well that just fucking dandy.
Want a cookie?
"It's nice to have someone know what it's like to raise a child on their own. My divorce was Hell! How was yours?" did she just squeeze together her...I don't wanna know.
My eyes darkened at the thought of people think my life was fucked up because I was divorced to the woman I've loved for the past 23 years I've known her.
Hell. Fucking. No.
"Listen, Tiara, was it?" I ignored the twitch of her upper lip, "First, I'd appreciate it if you didn't cuss at my seven year old daughter's birthday party. Second, I don't give Crayola about your divorce-as far as I'm concerned, the guy was lucky to get away from you. Third, I am not divorced, nor am I single. My wife was kidnapped, okay? So grab your child and get the HELLO out of my FUDGING HOUSE!"
"Your loss, bastard. It's your fault for leading me on," she huffed and stalked away. That was when I noticed the skanky clothes.
Crazy bit-
"DADDY!" I heard MC yell from the backyard. "Look it! Princess Jasmine made me into a princess!"
I smiled at my daughter. I was still highly irritated.
I shook the thoughts of Artificial Skank out of my head so I could focus on my daughter.
She was all that mattered.
She was in a Princess Jasmine dress, twirling around with her friends as they played music from various Disney movies. She looked so beautiful and happy. So carefree. So innocent.
"Look it, look it, Daddy!" she waved at me from inside the circle with her friends surrounding her. A game of duck-duck-goose.
"That's great sweaty!" I forced a smile as she started to run around to chase after another seven year old boy named Travis. Travis was her cousin Matt's best friend. At least the kid's parents were decent enough.
I wish you were here, Cookie. I wish you could see how happy Little Macey is. Our little Munchkin.
"Hey, Zach?" I heard Bex-Cammie's best friend and current neighbor-call from inside the house.
"Yeah?" I asked, walking inside.
"Phone is for you. Something about the FBI?"
My eyes narrowed.
I knew the case was closed. But I wasn't going to let them pronounce her dead.
I took the phone from Bex with a nod.
"Zach Goode here. Listen, you better bot be giving up on my wife you people said yourselves she was one of the best-"
"Mr. Goode? Listen to me carefully," that paused my rant.
My curiosity got the better of me.
"We found a lead. We think your wife just tried to make contact to us. We're reopening the case."
Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait! What do ya think? REVIEW!
~Akira