Title: The Pursuit to Slow Realisation

Disclaimer: Artwork is Then by theband ( theband. deviantart art/ Then-27929368)

Rating: M

Warnings: Muggle AU

Chapter Two: A Sense of Loss

The bloody dog is back and if the width of Remus's patience is anything to judge by, he is going to strangle it very, very soon. It has been howling for the past ten minutes and Remus doesn't give a shit if it is howling because it's leg is broken or its puppies died. Remus is going to kill it because waking him prematurely from slumber is like rousing a sleeping wolf.

'Awooooooo!'

'All right, that's it!' Remus yells, pushing his covers roughly. He looks around before spotting his bathroom slipper and picks it up as ammo. His aim is good and he knows where he wants his slipper to hit. 'Shut up, you stupid mutt!' He screams and slides open the window, only to have his voice get caught in his throat when he sees Sirius beneath his window.

'Awooooo!' Sirius howls again, looking up to wink at Remus. He has the most shit eating grin Remus has ever seen and it is only the possibility of breaking a limb that is keeping Remus from jumping out the window to strangle his friend. 'All right, Remus?' Sirius calls out loudly, waving merrily as if there is nothing wrong with showing up at someone's window at two in the morning.

'Sirius, what the fuck are you doing here?' Remus scream-whispers angrily. For good measure, he throws his slipper at Sirius and internally crows from joy when it hits him square in the forehead. 'Go home before you wake the whole neighbourhood!'

'Psh,' Sirius waves off dismissively. 'I was bored and James has been a total wanker since he took up wooing Lily. Be a mate, come on down. We'll take a walk in the park, make some yeti footprints in the snow. What do you say?'

Remus turns to look for his other slipper, because his reply can only be another knock to Sirius's head. Armed and flexing his biceps in preparation, he finds himself letting out an unmanly scream when he turns to find Sirius at his window sill. 'What the fuck?' He screams in a low voice, watching in horror as Sirius easily climbs through his window and jumps in froggy style. 'Are you a fucking chimpanzee? Get out of my room right now! Out, out, out! Before my parents find out!'

'Ouch, such hurtful words,' Sirius thumps his chest in mock pain and then, like a magic trick, brings out two bottles of Ogden's finest whisky from inside his jacket. He looks extremely pleased with himself as he crows, 'Especially when I bring the main act for our post New Year festivities. Come on, mate, let's settle down, shall we?'

Remus stares at him disbelievingly. 'You are mad,' he enunciates every word with a ridiculously awkward but self-explanatory hand motion. 'It is two in the morning and you just decided to break into my house to get smashed? Are you bloody serious?'

'Don't know about bloody, mate, but I am Sirius,' Sirius chuckles at his own joke, getting comfortable on Remus's bed. 'You've also forgotten to add that I stole the liquor from the Potter's cabinet.' He seems nonplussed by Remus's incredulous look. Instead, he leans back against Remus's wonderfully soft pillows and pries open the first bottle. 'Cheers, darling,' he raises the bottle to Remus and takes a generous swig. He doesn't even wince.

'Sirius,' Remus warns as he watches Sirius practically trying to drown himself with liquor.

'Remus, did you read the papers this morning?' Sirius asks, completely off topic as he wipes his mouth. He isn't the least bit drunk, Remus can tell, but his eyes look glazed over. It is as if a part of him is not even here. 'The Most Ancient and Noble Family of Blacks celebrate the beginning of a New Year with the much awaited handover to brand new management, courtesy of their only son: Regulus Arctus Black.'

Remus wonders how many times Sirius has read this particular article to be able to recite it back so flawlessly. He feels himself loosen a bit as he watches the fake pompous swish of Sirius's arms with growing pity.

'I'm not asking for a fucking lordship here,' Sirius growls, taking another swig of his drink. The bottle is quickly emptying and Remus's earlier astonishment over Sirius's tolerance is quickly turning to dismay. Sirius has come here with every intention to get sloshed. 'They could have at least waited one fucking year before they decided to deny my existence entirely. I only lived there for all my fucking life!'

Remus no longer knows what to say. They have barely known each other for a month and despite having gotten very close, Sirius's family seems to be an incredibly sensitive topic. Remus isn't the type to pry so now he just feels lost. He doesn't know enough to think of an appropriate response. All he knows really is that Sirius had run away when he was sixteen due to irreconcilable differences. He also knows that Sirius's mother is a 'power hungry, stuck up bitch from hell'. 'Have you talked to James about this?' Remus asks reasonably, as he slowly makes his way towards Sirius and settles down beside him.

'Who gives a bloody fuck, he says, since I've always hated them anyway.' Sirius pulls Remus closer, so that they are now sitting side by side, leaning against the headboard. The bed is too small for this and Remus is sure one of them will topple over soon enough. 'And he is bloody right! I should celebrate my freedom from the Noble and Most Fucked Up House of Black. And I choose to celebrate my freedom with you, Remus! You should be absolutely honoured!' He slings an arm over Remus's shoulders, spilling a generous amount of liquid on his pyjamas in the process. 'FREEDOM!' He breaks out in a scream suddenly and Remus hurries to cover his mouth. 'FRMHHHPH!' Sirius attempts to scream his fake euphoria despite the muffling and Remus hopes to God that his parents are still asleep.

'God,' Remus mutters, wiping his brow after Sirius finally gets the hint and quiets down. Pinching the bridge of his nose from irritation, he sighs and then finally snatches the bottle out of Sirius's hands. He downs the little that's left of it in one go, shuddering and trying his hardest not to retch. Remus isn't a big drinker; has never been a big fan of anything past a casual bottle of beer. 'Awful,' he finally chokes out, as he fixes his watery eyes on Sirius.

Sirius shrugs, though there is a small smile playing on his face. He pulls out the second bottle, rolling it in his hands as if inspecting it. 'Freedom is a good thing, isn't it, mate?' He asks rhetorically. 'Years of them telling me I wasn't good enough; that I was a fucking disgrace. Everything I did was wrong. Every bloody little thing. And the way she would look at me...' He lets his head drop onto Remus's shoulder as he passes the bottle over. 'You know what we should do? We should sneak out and stage some pranks. Piss in the Royal Gardens, draw cocks all over the tube - the kind that gets front page new coverage.'

Remus hums, not humouring with him with an answer. He knows that Sirius is every bit capable of wreaking enough havoc to go to jail; is almost surprised that he hasn't already been there. He also knows that Sirius is safe as long as he's here - with Remus keeping him at bay. 'We start practice sessions tomorrow,' he tries to veer the rather large elephant out of the room. He runs his fingers through Sirius's dark hair, wondering if it is inappropriate. Sirius doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he seems to be leaning towards it. 'We're preparing for the final Championship in June, where a lot of these University scouts will be coming. It isn't that big of a deal but you mentioned last time that...I mean, you could come and watch if your hangover isn't too awful.'

Sirius closes his eyes as Remus kneads his scalp. 'Don't be daft; of course I'll come. But only if you agree to come to the Potter's next week. They have this enormous themed party and Mr. and Mrs. Potter always dress up in the most garish of costumes.' His words are starting to slur a bit but Remus can see that Sirius's mood is starting to pick up to its usual self and for that he feels a rush of relief. 'Last year, Mrs. Potter came as Merlin and Mr. Potter was the whore of Merlin.'

Remus has the urge to slap his forehead. He resists by downing a bit more than necessary from Sirius's bottle. Already, he can feel a bit of a buzz, though he is sure he isn't even close to being as drunk as Sirius - who is now practically forcing all his weight into Remus's side. 'Sirius,' he starts slowly, pushing himself up a bit more to support their combined weights. 'Did you leave a message with James? I imagine they'd be worried in the morning if they didn't find you in bed.'

'James is nosy,' Sirius complains petulantly, digging his nose into Remus's neck. It feels as if Sirius is sniffing him and had he been in his right mind, Remus would have pushed the boy right off him. But Sirius's doggish snuffles feel oddly pleasant, just as the feel of Sirius in his arms feels just right. 'He would have wanted to come and I don't want him to.'

Sirius's feet come just above Remus's ankles, his toes brushing playfully. Sirius's arms hold Remus loosely around the torso and Remus cannot be arsed to tell him off. He stares at the bottle, half empty and wonders if the alcohol is bringing his inhibitions down to a point of no return. He needs to stop drinking now. 'Why not?'

'He likes you,' Sirius spits vehemently. 'Keeps saying you're a nice bloke and how he wants to go out together sometime. It's bloody inappropriate.'

Remus doesn't think it is inappropriate at all. He quite likes James, too (despite the slight stalker tendencies), and wouldn't at all mind going out for a movie or something. They talk on the phone sometimes, though James mostly just blabbers on about how brilliant Lily is and where she might be going tomorrow if Remus would know.

'I don't want to share you,' Sirius admits drunkenly. He reaches for the bottle in Remus's hands but misses when the other boy moves it away to the side table. He puts up a halfhearted protest before giving up against Remus's chest. 'You're my mate, aren't you? Not his. This thing...' Sirius waves randomly from Remus's face to his. 'This is us. You and me. I don't want to have to share this brilliantly comfortable shoulder with James Bloody Potter.'

Remus feels close to euphoric. There are butterflies in his stomach running rampant and his toes are tingling. He wants to say thank you and maybe even express how brilliant he thinks Sirius is, but finds himself somehow tilting sideways. He isn't sure why he is tilting or even falling off the bed like this, as he is usually quite good with balance. Then he realises he is drunk and that he is in the company of an even more drunk Sirius Black who seems to be determined to fall with him, arm in arm. They both go down to the floor, Remus first and Sirius on top of him with a pronounced 'oomph!'

'Unhh,' Sirius groans unintelligibly, forcing himself up with both hands. He seems to give up half way through when his head starts to sway, letting himself fall into Remus all over again. 'Damn, you're fit,' he murmurs into Remus's neck, his wandering hands running over Remus's shoulders, neck, and chest. Remus feels his breath hitch as those hands move under his shirt and continue their exploration.

He should be resisting. He should. But his body is the epitome of betrayal as a low moan rips out his throat and his chest arches into Sirius's touch. Sirius's lips are sucking at his neck now, small sharp teeth biting hard enough to leave marks. Then, a tongue flicks against his lips and Remus only has to stare at Sirius's blown out pupils before he finds himself giving in. His eyes close and his mouth opens to Sirius's insistent lips. His arms feel like jelly as they move up to wrap around Sirius's torso and then slowly, boldly, move to cup Sirius's arse.

He knows Sirius likes it the minute he does this from the low hum of Sirius's moan and the push of his hips against Remus's. Remus can also feel Sirius's very prominent erection through his trousers. It helps that Remus is just as hard and desperate, rubbing himself shamelessly against Sirius's thigh. He has never been this turned on his entire life and his heady lust gives him courage to go further than he has ever gone with anyone before.

His hands scrabble to remove Sirius's clothing, fingers fumbling and slipping over the button of Sirius's jeans. There are too many layers to work with, he thinks with frustration, as he pulls off Sirius's jumper roughly.

Sirius breaks their kiss momentarily to growl, 'Bed,' and then shoves his tongue down Remus's throat again. Swiping the inside of his mouth, over his teeth, biting into his lip, roughly pulling him and shoving him onto the bed - there is no finesse in Sirius's movements. His objective is to get Remus as naked as possible underneath him, all the while murmuring unintelligible praises against his skin.

It hits Remus just how beautiful Sirius is at that moment. His hair is plastered to his skin from sweat and he is panting Remus's name like a last prayer. His cheeks are flushed a lovely pink, lips swollen and bruised, and eyes swirling with hundreds of shades of grey. Remus runs his hand over Sirius's body, flawless in every way. It is all angles and tight wiry muscles that flex with every move he makes against Remus. The wolf pendant he wears on his neck feels pleasantly cool as it brushes on Remus's sensitive skin. But it is Sirius's cock that Remus can't take his eyes off and he is about to take it in hand, when he hears Sirius's hoarse voice plead with him:

'Turn over.'

Remus doesn't question it. He is too far gone to turn back now anyway and he has also come to the realisation that drunk or not, he will do anything Sirius asks of him. Just like that, he is on his hands and knees, legs spread wide and chest heaving as he watches Sirius spit into his palm.

The first intrusion is painful at best, agonising at its worst. He makes a keening noise of pain and buries his head into the pillow; yet he doesn't ask Sirius to stop even once. He bears it with gritted teeth, feeling exposed and horrid as one finger becomes two, then three, and then it isSirius that is inside him. Remus cries out the first few thrusts, his eyes pooling with involuntary tears and fist clenching around his bed sheets. Sirius's hand closes around his gently, prying one finger at a time. Soft butterfly kisses rain down the back of his neck and shoulders and another hand holds him around his stomach securely. And slowly, it doesn't feel so bad. He pushes hesitantly against Sirius's cock, grateful for the slow friction within him. His breath hitches when Sirius takes Remus's cock in hand, pumping it in the same rhythm as his shallow thrust.

'Fuck!' Remus cries out when Sirius thrusts into him in an angle and hits something that feels like a bloody miracle. And this isn't bad at all. This is bloody brilliant because Sirius is suddenly hitting it every single time and Remus's mouth is hanging open, as he pants and tries to breathe from the overload of sensations he is receiving. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't last long at all and finds himself muffling his orgasm into the mattress. He is coming harder than he has ever had before and the force of it makes his entire body shudder and shake. His heart is beating holes into his chest and his lungs feel tight as he struggles to breathe. His arms have already given out underneath him and though he knows Sirius is above him, against him, inside him, he can't feel anything beyond his own orgasm and the raging sensitivity of his skin. He feels as if on fire.

Just before completely losing conscious, Remus hopes that it is as good for Sirius as it is for him.

When Remus comes to, the first thing he sees is Sirius trying to sneak out of his window. In that one moment, his entire world feels like it is shattering into pieces, and he knows that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. In a moment of drunken haze, he has allowed himself to be hopeful and reckless. His arse is sore and his skin is covered in goose bumps from the cold. His blanket is lying somewhere on the floor, his lattice of ugly scars open for everyone to see. He feels ashamed, weak, and foolish.

'You need to turn the lock to the left,' Remus says softly. His voice comes out surprisingly calm and he fixes a neutral expression on his face as he bends down to pick up his clothes. The buttons of his favourite pyjama top are torn and he looks at them is dismay, feeling just as tattered and damaged.

Sirius's face looks much like a thief caught in the act. His shoes fall from him hands as he whirls around to face Remus, mouth opening and closing a few times before croaking out, 'Didn't think you were awake...'

Remus shrugs and pulls on his trousers. 'Pity. Seems like I am,' he cannot help the bite of spite in his voice from coming through. But he doesn't want to seem bitter when this entire ordeal is his own mistake. His mistake for trusting Sirius; his mistake for taking fancy to someone he knew was impossible to have. It isn't as if he was unaware of Sirius's personality.

He hears Sirius sigh but ignores it. 'Look, Remus, yesterday was...it was great, brilliant actually, but...' there is hesitation in his voice but Remus has no intention of making this easier. If Sirius is going to run out on him, then he will at least apologise and give Remus the respect he deserves. 'We were drunk and I...I have a tendency to do stupid things and I think I've just surpassed all forms of stupid with this.' He moves further away so that his back is against the windowsill; as if afraid Remus will attack him. Remus wants to, but he is hoping the window will give out before that. 'You know me...I'm not...' Sirius is stuttering over his words now, not even bothering to look at Remus anymore. 'You're an attractive bloke, Remus, and a lot of fun but...the thing is...I really don't date your type.'

If Remus thought the pain in his arse was bad, this is close to unbearable. This time, he lets his mask fall and his rage show through. His face contorts in ugly fury and he grabs the lamp on his bedside and throws it at Sirius violently. Remus's aim is good, but unfortunately, Sirius's dodge is better. The lamp simply crashes into the wall and if Remus is expecting his parents' concerned shouts, he doesn't get any. He doesn't give a fuck now anyway. 'My type? My type? What the fuck does that even mean?' He shouts, eyes searching for something else to throw. His slippers are already outside in the grass somewhere, thanks to last night. 'At least have the fucking decency to apologise instead of throwing feeble excuses at me, you bloody bastard!'

Sirius frowns and just as easily twists to mirror Remus's furious expression. His face is bleeding red as he screams back just as loud, 'This is exactly why I wanted to avoid you from the very beginning! Everything is a bloody big deal to you! I've seen your type a hundred times - needy and clingy and constantly talking about pointless nonsense! I give you a single glance and suddenly you want a bloody relationship out of it!'

Remus feels his face overheat and burn. 'You came on to me! You slept with me!'

'No, Remus!' Sirius bangs his fist against the wall. 'I fucked you! That's it!'

Remus is shaking now; clenching and unclenching his fists as his jaw hardens. All he wanted was an apology. He hadn't even tried to kid himself into thinking Sirius had meant anything by last night. He had just wanted a simple sorry before he tried his best to forget about it and go back to being friends. 'Get out,' he whispers in a low tone, his eyes glaring daggers into Sirius. 'Get out of my room and never, ever come back.'

Sirius's eyes soften if only a little. He looks about to say something but Remus turns away. His eyes are burning now but he has no intention of crying; not in front of Sirius or even himself for that matter. He is not a child, though at the moment his chest and bones hurt so much that he just wants to sleep it off. If he closes his eyes, he thinks that maybe he can sleep through all the pain and wake up to his old self again. Maybe he will have forgotten this day entirely.

'Goodbye, Remus.'

'Blasted Potter!' Lily mutters as she quickly hides behind a rather large bouquet of roses. She cannot believe that even in the ponciest of flower shops, she has managed to run into that infernal Potter boy and his best friend Black. Had they not been in a heated conversation, Lily might have actually thought Potter was following her. It isn't as if he hasn't done it before. But this time, it seems to be a genuine coincidence. She frowns as she watches the exchange between the two friends start to turn fowl. Cursing her curiosity, she inches closer, using the large pots to hide her easily petite frame.

'Sirius, I cannot believe you! I-You know when Remus mentioned it, I didn't get it but this...' Potter's face is a mixture of disgust and disbelief.

'You're the one who forced me into asking him out,' Black argues heatedly and Lily wonders what this is about.

If she was curious before, she is more so now because Remus hasn't talked to her for nearly a week now. Every time she calls, he brushes her off with excuses of practice and entrance exams. She is sick of it. And if these two misfit boys are going to give her answers, then she is going to eavesdrop, God damn it!

'I never bloody forced you into anything!' Potter nearly yells, his eyes flashing behind his glasses. 'If you didn't want to, you could have bloody said so instead of stringing him along into fake a relationship with you!'

Lily finds herself going into confused shock. What did this mean exactly?

'I thought you'd be happy about this!' Black states in exasperation. His hands fly up, nearly hitting the vase into Lily's face. 'I did it so that you could get to know that bint you fancy. And you did, didn't you?'

'Not at the expense of someone else's feelings!' Potter screams so loud that he attracts the attention of the florists. He looks at them apologetically before he continues their argument at a lower tone that Lily has to lean in to hear. She pretty much has understood the gist of it but she wants to be sure before she throws a well-deserved punch into Black's face. 'And if you were both putting an act then you should have kept it that way. Why the fuck did you have to sleep with him?'

Black's grunt is the only thing that hides Lily's gasp of shock. As far as Lily knows, which is a decent bit of far, Remus is a virgin. Which means...

Lily feels her hands clench to fists, nails digging into her palm. Stupid Remus. Stupid, stupid Remus who is just so stupid and probably hurt and Lily cannot believe all this has happened without her knowledge. Why didn't he tell her?

'We were drunk!'

James rolls his eyes. 'Oh, don't give me that shite excuse!'

'He knew what he was getting into!' Black continues to argue adamantly, despite Potter's quickly growing fury. 'He knew everything about me!'

Potter's jaw hardens as he regards his best friend with ill-concealed disappointment. 'Sirius, I've known you my whole life and I'm only just finding out how big a bastard you really are. What chance did that poor bloke ever have?' He looks about to say something more but finally gives up hope, shakes his head, and turns to leave. Two steps away, just as Lily is about to get out and give Black a piece of her mind, he stops and says, 'You know what, I'm not done yet,' and then smashes his fist right into Black's nose.

The people around them scream in shock as Sirius cries out in pain. There are a few attempting to call the police even as Potter is walking away with a smug expression. There is blood spilling all over their pretty flowers and the fake green grass carpet that Lily has never particularly liked anyway. She watches Potter's turned back calmly walk out the door, a little jingle of the bell signaling his departure. And amidst all the chaos, Lily has never loved James Potter more her entire life.

Blue.

It's all he sees.

A startling blue that feels like the sky because he is flying. That's how it feels whenever he is in the water, like he's flying. It's ironic really.

But today, the flying doesn't feel as free nor as light. Today, all he can think about is his mother and father and their hushed voices. His mind adds expressions of twisted disgust on his mother's face and the shame on his father's face as they find out what he is. He feels dirty. He feels scared. Scared that he will be alone. Scared that he will be a disappointment. Scared no one will love him anymore. Scared, scared, so very scared.

So scared that it hurts his chest.

White.

That is the colour of the fear he feels. Blinding white that appears in spots behind his eyelids and causes a searing tightness to his lungs. It makes his head swirl and he can't make out any coherent thought except that they know. They know. They know. They know. Remus has stood behind the kitchen doors and heard them discuss it. Discuss his and Sirius's stupid, stupid, drunken tryst. What do we do with him, John, his mother had asked. (We can't keep him now; he's vile: Remus's mind adds).

They had loved him before Sirius came into his life. His parents had wanted him. Remus had hidden it so, so well all these years before he fell stupidly in love.

He had had no choice but to run away. When they found him standing at the kitchen door with red rimmed eyes, he could do nothing but run.

Black.

It is the last colour Remus sees before he falls and then rises.

This is a bad idea. Sirius knows this is a bad idea but his legs seem to heavily disagree. He is walking, cheesy flower bouquet in hand, right into the lion's den. The truth and the only reason he is doing this is because he misses Remus. A lot. He has never felt guilty about his conquests because the truth is, he has never felt any kind of companionship with them like he has with Remus. Sirius hadn't wanted to screw things up between him and Remus. He had never wanted to go beyond the friendship they so easily shared. No, that is not true. Sirius had been attracted to Remus for an exceedingly long time now – heart twinging, cock twitching, toe tingling; the works really. He had just never wanted to act on it.

'He won't want to see me,' Sirius whispers to himself, looking down at the flowers. They are expensive – a bright mixture of blues and whites and reds. He remembers that Remus isn't someone who is very privy towards money, unlike every other person Sirius has ever met. Sirius has never had any friends beyond James. It is why he had taken to Remus so easily and wanted to spend every living hour with him. He feels stupid now for his actions. James is right; he is a bastard.

Sirius doesn't even know why he's coming to watch Remus practice. It isn't even a championship or the finals, or any other huge event. He knows about it because Lily invited James over to watch. Yet, a part of Sirius still remembers his promise to come and the passion in Remus's eyes when he talks about the finals. He doesn't understand why Remus wants to pursue a career in literature when he obviously has something he is much more enthusiastic about. Then again, there are a lot of things Sirius still doesn't know or understand about Remus.

He is just about ready to throw the flowers in the nearest bin and go back home, when he finds himself jolted out of his thoughts with the ever growing sound of an ambulance siren. He looks up to see said ambulance whizzing past him, its force ruffling his clothes and hair. He only gets the chance to read St. Mungo's Hospital from afar, before he finds himself being mobbed by a crowd. They are all trying to catch sight of the ambulance leaving; it is a sign of a small town because in London, no one would bat an eyelash over the matter. There is commotion everywhere and Sirius can only make out heads and bodies bumping against him as they cry out their worries. There is an older man's voice asking everyone to calm down and settle back inside, followed by the information that practice is cancelled for the day. Sirius can see only his hands waving above the crowd, pointing towards the gym entrance. Amidst all the chaos, he can hear the very prominent sound of his best friend, James Potter.

'He'll be all right, I promise. You heard them; he'll be…'

He catches sight of James's unruly mop of black hair and hurries towards him. He doesn't even know what is going on, but he can already feel a bad omen spreading through his body and turning his legs to lead. He finds James holding Lily Evans tightly, while muttering soft reassurances to her. She is so small, she barely comes up to his chest; and holds on to his waist in what looks like a death grip. Her face is mess of mascara streaks as a result of her tears.

'What's happening?' Sirius asks finally, watching as the fuss seems to slowly dissipate. He hears a few names drop here and there, but he doesn't want to assume anything. So, he asks again, 'What's happening?'

For a split second, James's eyes regard him with the same hardened glare he's had for the past week and a half. Then it mellows as he whispers, 'Remus stopped breathing a little while back. None of us know what happened; just that all of a sudden, he was drowning and…' James trails off as Lily lets out a huge sob.

Sirius feels the colour drain from his face and the bouquet in his hand fall unceremoniously to the pavement. He thinks perhaps he's gone deaf also, because everything seems to sound muted. He can see James's mouth move but all he registers is the sound of his own beating heart over complete vaccuum. He is stuck; almost as if frozen in time because he can't seem to move a single part of his body. He wants to scream but his mouth won't move; he wants to run but his legs won't move; he wants to fall to the ground in despair but his knees won't buckle.

Then he feels himself reel back as Lily's hands push him roughly. 'This is your fault!' she screams suddenly, shoving him again. Her eyes are bright red from all the crying and she looks close to going mad. 'Everything that's happened is your fault.' Sirius blinks at her and then looks to James, only to find an equally blank look. 'He genuinely loved you! He would have done anything for you! But you played him and used him! You didn't even apologise or fucking ask him if he was okay!' She pushes him again and Sirius finds himself nearly overbalancing. Her wrath feels like fire as she advances towards him, burning and fuming. She is banging on his chest like a mad woman now and Sirius can do nothing but stare at her helplessly because every word out of her mouth is true. 'It's because of you he was sick! It's because of you his parents found out today!'

'Wait,' Sirius croaks out, stopping her by the wrists, 'his parents didn't know he was gay?' When Lily shakes her head, Sirius falls back a step. 'Did they...were they angry?'

Lily shakes her head again. 'No.'

'Then why?'

'He didn't know. He overheard them talking and like always, the bloody idiot always assumed the worst. Mrs. Lupin will die if anything happens to him. She won't be able to take it…' Lily seems unable to speak anymore. Dissolving into uncontrollable tears and holding on to Sirius like an anchor even though she clearly detested him. 'I'll kill you,' she cries, fisting the back of his shirt. 'If anything happens to him, I'll kill you first, Black.'

'Mum, I'm fine.'

'Hush,' Mrs. Lupin sobs as she wipes unnecessarily at Remus's mouth. 'Don't talk back to your mother.' She lifts a spoon full of soup to his lips, 'Eat. You're so thin.' She dissolves into a fresh bout of tears making Remus sigh.

He looks at Lily who is sitting quietly at his bedside. She also looks about to cry and keep her bottom lip between her teeth as, Remus assumes, she tries to stave off a tearful rant. He feels horrible for having brought this on himself and causing everyone so much pain.

'I'm sorry,' he says softly.

'Don't be stupid,' his mother replies, patting him softly on the cheek and then stroking it lovingly. 'John and I should have handled things better or just approached you directly. We just wanted you to tell us the truth, that's all. We should have come to you as soon as you found us out but neither of us knew how to broach the subject. I didn't think you would be so distraught. I didn't think you would take it the wrong way and assume that we didn't love you anymore.' She wipes her eyes. 'We thought we'd lost you for sure this time. We were so scared.'

Remus looks at his lap, cursing himself for feeling relieved and happy over his mum's confession. They still loved him. He was still their son. 'Is dad all right?'

'I don't think I've ever seen your father cry so much.' She brushes his hair out of his eyes and kisses his forehead. 'He's just talking to the doctor; I'll go get him, all right?'

Remus nods, watching her leave guiltily. His chest gives a warning twinge, so he closes his eyes and tries to keep calm. There is no use making everyone worry even more over him. 'Guess that was a bit stupid of me, eh?' He cast a weak smile at Lily's direction, opening up his arms for the hug he knew she'd been waiting for.

As predicted, Lily leaps into his arms, burying her face deep into his shoulder as she lets free the sobs she'd been holding in the entire time. 'Bastard,' she cries, purposely wiping her nose on his hospital gown. 'Why couldn't you just talk to me? You're always trying to tackle all your problems by yourself. Even you have a limit, you know! You're such a stupid, bloody, over assuming wanker.' She bangs her fist against his chest. 'I hate you!'

Remus pats her head reassuringly. 'James told you, then. What happened between Sirius and I?'

Lily nods before curling her lip in disgust, 'Bastard.' There is a frightening amount of hate in her eyes as she speaks about Sirius, 'I should have never let him get close to you. I should have paid better attention or asked around to find out what he was like. I shou-mmph!'

Remus clamps a hand over her mouth. 'You're getting a little bit creepy over here, Lily. I'm not a child and as much as I enjoy you becoming gung-ho possessive about me, I think I can handle this on my own.' He lets his hand off her mouth slightly but immediately puts it back when he sees her readying another ridiculous speech. 'Look, the fault was mine, not his. I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning and I also knew the kind of person he was. I was careful the entire time but...' Remus sighs. 'It was my fault for getting my hopes up that night. I mean, I should have known he was completely out of my league.'

Lily pulls his hand away from her lips to protest. 'That's not true! You're bloody brilliant and far too good for him, in my opinion!'

Remus rolls his eyes. 'Lily, I wasn't even good enough for you.'

Whatever argument Lily was about to pose dies down. She stares at him with an odd expression in her eyes that even Remus as her best friend cannot identify. Again, Remus is beating himself up for mentioning something so insensitive. True, that Lily's rejection had hurt him immensely back then but he had promised himself to never raise the issue. It had been her decision and Remus didn't fancy confrontation much. He stares at his hands awkwardly and traces the veins with his index. When finally the elephant in the room becomes a mammoth, Remus decides to apologise.

However, Lily beats him to it. 'I've always loved you, Remus. From the very beginning.' Her face is extremely close now and from this distance, her green eyes seem startlingly clear. 'You were everything my parents wanted; the envy of all my friends; and you were damn good to me. It's why I fought to stay friends with you all these years. It's even why I'm still stupidly single after all this time; because I keep comparing every guy I date with you and no one seems as perfect.' She inches uncomfortably close and Remus finds himself moving back, pressing himself into his pillows. Her long, fiery hair sways, brushing his cheek.

Then suddenly, her lips are on his and Remus thinks this is the most awkward moment of his life because he really does not want to kiss her. Her lips are soft and taste of cherry; something he should enjoy but all he can think of, as he lays there stiff with shock, is ohmyfuckingGod andgetoff getoff getoff. These two seconds worth of kiss is almost horrifying. He isn't sure what to tell her or how to explain the fact that he is gay (which she already knows). His face is steadily heating up to the temperature of a sauna and he stutters over his thoughts and words as she pulls away. He is sure he looks like a complete fool, staring at her this way.

Her laughter confirms it, as she sits back. She doesn't look upset which is a very good start. 'Problem was: you were never quite happy with me. So, I did the best thing for the both of us and broke things off.' She kicks him gently with her toes. It is a form of reassurance only she can give. 'Hey, can I get another one?'

'What?' Remus is ashamed to admit that his voice comes out as too much of a squeak. Though he is feeling a bit relieved; for a second he had thought Lily had meant everything she'd just said. 'Definitely not!'

'Come on!' Lily climbs on to the bed, nudging him teasingly. 'All those years fancying you, I deserve a bit more, don't you think? Besides, I swear I remembered you kissing better than this. What the fuck was that? You were just lying there like a dead fish. It was terrible!' She puckers her lips in exaggeration, doing a horrible imitation of a gasping fish.

Remus cannot help but laugh, shoving her playfully. Suddenly, everything feels back to normal. The fear of rejection from his parents, the pain of heartbreak and Sirius's cruel words, and the rising panic that came from knowing it might all end for him right now – everything seemed to be dissipating. In that moment, he realises how much he loves his parents and Lily for always being there for him. The two of them are like children all over again, all flailing arms and limbs as they wrestle on the creaky hospital bed, Lily making kissy faces at him the entire time.

'Oh, er, sorry for interrupting.'

Remus's face falls when he sees Sirius at the door, an obscenely large bouquet of flowers in his one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. He doesn't fail to notice that Sirius has remembered his favourite brand of chocolates and even the flavor. 'It's okay,' he says finally, looking away. He wants to scream and throw things and tell Sirius to get the fuck out, but finds he no longer has the energy to be angry. It hurts too much now and he is grateful for Lily's slight hand that slips into his.

Sirius's eyes follow their joint hands before coming up to meet Remus's eyes. 'I…I came to watch you practice and heard…' He shuffles his feet awkwardly and looks at Lily pointedly. 'Can I maybe talk to Remus alone?'

Remus expects Lily to argue or her usual fiery temper to flare in his defense, but some kind of message passes between Sirius and her. She simply nods in understanding and soon, Remus finds her hand slipping away from his. He scrabbles for it almost desperately, managing to hold on to her pinky finger and tug at it insistently. Stay, he wants to tell her but feels almost ashamed to.

'Five minutes,' Lily shoots back at Sirius finally, adding a glare for good measure. She turns back to smile at Remus reassuringly before pulling her hand away.

He wants to chase after her. Run away. Anything to make the thudding of his heart stop. In his head, he screams at her: 'traitor!'

'How are you feeling now?' Sirius asks, as he places the flowers on the bedside table. They are so big that they overshadow all the ones he's received so far, glitter from the bows sprinkling a trail all over the floor and the beads rattling noisily together. It looks ridiculous and tacky, and Remus wants to just throw it away. If not, then to at least hide behind it so that he doesn't have to see Sirius's face.

Yet, all Remus does is shrug. 'Fine.'

'That's good. I was worried…'

'You don't have to force yourself to worry about me,' Remus replies coldly. 'It isn't exactly the prerequisite for a fuck.'

Sirius flinches as if hit. 'I-' He looks at his shoes for a short while, as if debating over what to say. At least, Remus thinks, he looks rightfully ashamed. He is sure that Sirius will just give up and leave in a little while. So it comes as a bit of a shock when Sirius suddenly sits down on the bed, right beside his hip and grabs both his hands. 'I'm an arse. I am an utter wanker. It's been my problem from the very beginning. I don't know when to stop or how to consider the consequences before opening my big, fat gob.' He takes a deep breath and Remus is sure Sirius has pre-practiced this speech beforehand. 'Truth is, you're the first friend I ever had besides James. And even James is more my brother than anything. You were the first person who didn't care much about my looks or my money or that I played pranks all the time. You didn't bother me about my temper and you always knew how to have fun.'

'If you're trying to flatter your way-'

'No!' Sirius interrupts vehemently. 'No, I'm trying to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said and did. And that I miss you and I'd do anything to have you back as my friend. Absolutely anything!'

'I-' Now, Remus doesn't even know what to say.

'Please,' Sirius begs, his hold on Remus's hands tightening almost painfully. His voice is shaking and Remus wonders if all this is real; if Sirius really did want to be his friend so desperately and why? 'I know you're angry and that I don't deserve it. You can hit me or scream at me; anything you want. Please...please...just...' Sirius falls forward, back bent and head resting on Remus's knee. He looks weird like this; prostrating in front of Remus like he's fallen to prayer.

Suddenly, Remus feels all his residual anger leaving him. He curses himself silently because surely, he is capable of hanging on to his anger for a little while longer. But this is all he wanted from the very beginning, isn't it: an apology? No, that isn't true. He had wanted more. He had wanted to be with Sirius; he had wanted Sirius to fall in love with him. But these are feelings Remus can bottle in and handle himself. He is practical in that sense; he can always differentiate between fantasy and reality. 'It's okay,' he finally says with a soft sigh, gently prying Sirius's head up to meet his eyes. 'I forgive you…'

And so ends the second installment. Hope you guys liked it since it had a lot more happening in terms of their relationship, along with a new side of Lily that no one really knew. Do drop in a review to let me know what you thought of it and how Sirius shouldn't be forgiven so easily for being an asshole. :p Cheers!

That Buggering Mudblood:Oh, I've never actually done Remus with siblings before except for Between Dreams and Reality. It's too late for this fic but I'll definitely consider it in my next one. I think the reason everyone makes him out to be an only child because the books never mention it. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far. Thanks for reviewing!

Laea:Ooh, I can totally do Remus as badass and it'll probably be in the next chapter. Well, not so much bad ass as a bit bold really. Lol. I can't believe I'm actually one of your favourites. Just the thought makes me all fluttery inside!

Jade:Thank you! I love character development. Most of my stories are very character driven, because I feel it's important for everyone to actually be able to connect and understand the main characters. So I'm super glad you liked it, despite the rather simple and fluffy feel to this story.

Whiterabbit111: Lol. Who doesn't love a jealous Sirius. Your wish will definitely come true in the next chapter though I'm not saying more than that. ;) Remus is yummy. He just doesn't know it yet.

C: Thank you! I love writing Remus because his character is so flexible. We all know that he's serious and intelligent and all that, but there's also a part of him that ran with the Marauders which makes you think that he's got a lot more dephth than people give him credit for. :) Hope you liked the second chapter just as much!

ThornLeaf: Lol. Honestly, I love it when Remus is awkward or embarassed because he just seems that kind of guy. The one that's sweet and kind and lovely but always manages to get himself into odd situations. Hope you liked this chapter despite it being a little less humourous. Cheers!