Chapter 17
We kept fighting Battles, always winning. It got close at times, but we still won. One day, I decided that if we were going to get ahead far enough to not have to worry, we had to get ahead physically. So I had offered to train the Pack early in the morning. They had all agreed, trusting in my judgment. Every morning, Dimitri and I went to the training complex every morning at 5 AM to set up. The Pack was there by 5:30, and we were in class by our 6:30 classes in the morning.
Our extra training showed halfway into December, when we eliminated all of our opponents while not taking a hit ourselves. The Pack was laughing, and so was I. I wanted to freeze that moment in time, box it up, and keep it in my pocket for when I was down. Life seemed perfect, and I had forgotten my worries, completely carefree. Then I looked at Dimitri, and the moment was shattered. He was looking right at me, and our eyes made contact. The electric current came over me, and I shivered. How did he have that effect on me? We weren't even close to each other, and yet he had the power to do that to me with a glance.
I tried to shrug it off, but it was like an itch that wouldn't go away. So I started to avoid him. I pulled away from him, and in doing so, removed myself from the Pack. I started to notice laughter dying when I walked into a room, the jokes stopping, and a more serious air of business take over. It hurt, that they were starting to cut me out as a friend like that. But I was their Alpha, and I decided that if that was the type of leader that they wanted, then that was the type of leader that I would become. I through myself into my studies, said the minimum to my Pack, and spent more time than ever on the balcony.
I guess that some part of me had expected them to fish me out of the leadership role and tell me that I had just been imagining things from the start. But the month of December passed by, and our Pack was getting close to becoming one of the best in history. Our stats were improving, if that was possible. We were becoming more efficient, a well oiled machine. They respected me enough to follow my orders without a second thought, and our times, mechanics, and execution grew as close to perfect as I had ever seen a single Pack's.
I grew depressed. It wasn't gradual either. It happened one night after a particularly good battle. The rest of the Pack was laughing, joking and running around. I looked at them, and realized how hopelessly isolated I had become. I didn't understand any of their jokes, and thought of their playing as immature. Then I grew angry. I hadn't just become this isolated. They had let this happen. They had watched me grow more and more separated, and had done nothing to fix it. They had watched me grow up; skipping what was left of my childhood. Why? Why hadn't they helped me?
Because it's better for them for you to be isolated. The little nagging voice in my head spoke to me, and I crumpled. Of course. I had never been their friend. Just an asset that led them to victory and trained them up. Just a coach. Just a parental figure to guide them through high school. Just a tool.
My downward spiral was fast, and dangerous. I was moody, my attention split between being angry, being sad, and avoiding Dimitri, the only person that probably would've understood what I was feeling.
In my isolation, I had watched him spiral into the opposite of what had happened to me, but with the same effect. The Pack had started surrounding him, using him for everything. They confided in him, got advice from him, asked him for help; they used him too. And he realized it. But they needed him, so he couldn't show the emotion to them. In fact, I was the only one that he showed. When we were alone, training or setting up for training, he would crumple into a tired heap of bones, the life leaving him. I acted similarly, and between the two of us, the workout room was dead silent. So he showed only me, but I pretended not to notice. It was easier for both of us if I just avoided him. Then we wouldn't have to work to stay separated.
The Pack had put us on our own lonely islands, separated by miles of shark infested waters.
Both of us kept up our jobs: he continued to support them, and I continued to guide them. And we continued to be miserable.
Lissa approached me in the last week, when we were still preparing for Christmas and the tournament. I had been deep in thought, mentally quizzing myself. What do I do if this person does this, or the map is like that. She knocked on the balcony door. I opened the screen for her, and then sat back down. "Rose? Do you uh-Do you have a minute?" She asked timidly. I felt myself crumple again. My best friend had just acted like my subordinate. She seemed to notice, and continued on at my silence. "It's just that uh, you uh, you asked everyone to gather for a meeting." Had I? I didn't remember right away. My curious face must have given me away, because she reminded me, "Something about attitude?" Ah yes. I was going to give them a pep talk before our battle. I told her to give me a minute, and she went back inside.
I sat there, willing myself to get up. I had a job to do. I had to go in there and lie my face off about teamwork and how much I appreciated each and every one of them, and how our teamwork would beat the opposition if we could just remember our synchronization training. But I found that I was tired of lying. I did not want to go in there, and my body knew it. So it stayed seated until Dimitri came out, and called me in. I got up, but ignored his holding open the door for me, and use d the other entrance. I was still giving him a healthy distance.
I gave my speech, rallied them up, and had them get on their suits (Admin. had recently given everyone suits that resembled our Pack Uniforms, but were made for battle) for battle. We trooped out, mopped the floor with our competition, and were back in the dorm celebrating twenty minutes later.
My ten minutes of 'celebrating' with my Pack was up, and I was about to go to the balcony, when Lissa caught my arm. "Stay here. It's much more fun than moping on the balcony." I was about to tell her off, when I realized how bitchy that would be. Here she was sticking her neck out for me, and I was about to chop it up. So I stayed for the rest of the party. At first it was awkward, but eventually I loosened up, and ended up having more fun than I had had all month. I actually smiled, and laughed. I was off my island, and it felt great.
The next morning, Dimitri and I were early for Conditioning. I was setting up for some punching, just to play around, and saw Dimitri looking at me curiously. I ignored him, finished setting up the punching bag, and started to stretch. My stretching turned into a warm up, which included the punching bag. I let all of my negative emotions flow, and within eight swings, the punching bag had been knocked off of its chain, into the wall behind it. Dimitri jumped back in surprise, and I laughed. He stared at me for a minute before he too laughed. We had a fit of laughter that ended five minutes later. Looking at the clock, I saw that we still had ten minutes before Coach was supposed to arrive. I smiled at Dimitri, who was on the floor next to me. "I bet you couldn't do that." I nodded towards the punching bag that I had knocked into the wall, and he grinned.
"Could too." I told him that I doubted it, and he bounced up, set up a bag, and was at it. On his sixth swing, the bag's chain snapped, and it flew across the room. Only this time, it didn't fly straight. It came right at me. I couldn't move, couldn't breath, and watched as the bag sailed towards me.
Right before it hit me, the bag stopped. It was inches from my nose, and I was amazed. Then it swung in the opposite direction, and I saw that Dimitri had caught the chain and swung it around. Only by throwing it behind him, he threw himself at me. He fell on top of me, and when I looked up, my mouth open to make a sarcastic comment, I found his face inches from mine. Thankfully, Coach walked in right then, saving us from another mistake. I really had to get my life straightened up.