The Death of a Vigilante: Lucid Illusions

"Shepard, I know it is difficult to lose a team mate," the Illusive Man flicked the ash of his cigarette away as he sat casually in his chair, his glowing blue eyes avoiding contact with the Commander's at all costs. "No matter how much this particular crew member meant to you, there is unfortunately nothing I can do at this moment."

Reblicah stared at him through the holo, the burning rage building behind her swollen brown pupils. The urge to strangle the pixilated man she loathed through the virtual relay was steadily becoming worthwhile.

"But… I'm willing to negotiate with you."

"I'm listening," her voice vibrated through gritted teeth.

"Although you have completed your original objective, I can use you to gather me some leeway against the Reapers. We both know we wouldn't be having this conversation if you saved the Collector base…"

"That abomination needed to be destroyed."

"It was valuable… we could have used it as an advantage."

"You mean use it as an advantage for the human race," she scowled.

"You know my intentions."

"And you know mine!" the Commander shot back, "You are the one who resurrected me. You should know exactly how I will respond to each situation. I'm always going to think of the better for everyone, not just one species."

"Granted, but with the right persuasion anything can change. Which brings me to my proposal," tapping off another bit of ash. "You bring me something equally valuable to resurrecting your turian companion and we will talk."

Shepard crossed her arms and cursed under her breath, "Like what?"

"You will know precisely what that is when you find it. Until then, I need you to continue on and not assault your fellow crew members. I would hate to have to put you down like a rabid animal."

She balled her hands into a fist and cringed. She was his pet. Only meant to retrieve his "slippers" and obey his every command. Was this something Garrus would have accepted? If he knew Shepard had to negotiate with the enemy to bring him back, how would he react?

"Understand how we spent a lot of time and resources bringing you back but that is because you are a war hero. Vakarian was a turian hothead. What is there for us to benefit in resurrecting him? I need something worthwhile to repay the debt. Consider this a fair trade since I could be requesting a great deal more from you."

"I'll see what I can do," she sneered, turning off the communicator. She turned away and weighed her options. She didn't want to succumb to the enemies grasp after fighting so hard to break free. There had to be another option…

Remembering the Illusive Man was only a part in her resurrection, there was another person involved and she was still aboard the Normandy. Shepard quickly rushed to the third level of the SR-2 and stormed into Miranda Lawson's office.

"Bring him back! You helped bring me back… you can bring him back!" the Commander began protesting.

The tall woman stood up behind her desk and slunk over to the side, her hips swaying with each step, "I know you are upset Commander but it's just not possible."

"But you have to!"

"Shepard," she tried to calm the situation, "we all knew the risks when we boarded the Normandy. Garrus is no different."

"He is the backbone to helping me succeed. I cannot do this without him."

"Shepard, this crew needs you more than you need him. Don't you think you are overreacting?"

"You have absolutely no idea!" Reby slammed her fists against Miranda's desk. The force caused the electronics to flicker and sent some of the unsecured items flying. Gazing upon the dent left in its wake, she took a few deep breaths, "I need all of my crew if we are going to win this war. That means everyone, including Garrus. I don't care what it takes, just do something. If it takes money, I will find a way to get the funds. If you need another team of medical experts, I will get them. Just bring him back."

"We have matters much greater than resurrecting your partner at this moment…"

"What about after I neutralize every reaper, collector, whatever? Will you help me then? I'm willing to take down every single one of those sons of bitches single-handedly. You know what I'm capable of."

"If we all survive this then I'll see what I can do. I cannot guarantee anything. It was already difficult to bring you back. We may not even be able to do anything for him."

"We have to at least try. I need him…" the tears began forcing their way out. She couldn't restrain them any longer.

Before her bloodshot glare could look up at the biotic loyalist, Reblicah stormed out of the office. Brushing through everyone on the way back to the elevator, she avoided any sort of eye contact. Kasumi Goto and Thane Krios quietly watching their Commander spiral into a frenzy. The elevator shut and every crew member could hear her screaming, pounding against the walls of her enclosure. The thief looked at the assassin and murmured, "You should go to her. You understand the pain she's in. You will have a better chance in comforting her. If I go, she'll just drink herself to death."

The quiet drell nodded in agreement.

Shepard immediately collapsed in the chair of her desk, forcefully pulling the drawer containing her alcohol open. Tumbling through the bottles, she selected the strongest poison. She slammed the liquor onto her desk and nearly broke it. She pulled out a shot glass and began drinking her worries away, her hands shaking profusely as she poured the liquid death. First shot… warmed her tongue. Second shot… burned her throat. Third shot… fought its way down. Forth shot… sent painful bolts to her brain. She closed her eyes, allowing the discomfort to numb her tears.

Still clenching onto the bottle with one hand and the shot glass in the other, she bent over the desk. Nuzzling her nose into the crevasse of her elbow and resting her chin onto the desk, she begged the world to disappear. One by one, the tears trailed down her cheek. Their watery embrace moistening the sleeve of her uniform.

Mysteriously feeling the bottle attempt to lift away, she attempted to pull it closer… only to receive more resistance. Turning her head to see the reason behind its levitation, she noticed Thane shaking his head at her. He tugged at the bottle once more and successfully pried it away, making sure to set her comforting poison more than an arm's length away.

The drell tried to comfort the sobbing woman, "Commander, I share your pain."

Her eyes welled up as she instinctively went back to hiding her face within the safety of her sleeve.

"When Irikah died, I had no one to blame but myself. I know you are blaming yourself for his death but this is not your fault."

Without any warning, she bolted out of the chair and slammed the assassin against the wall. Her arm pressed against his neck with rage and sorrow burning in her eyes.

"Yes it is!" she spat, the pungent stench of alcohol thickening the air around them.

Thane quickly immobilized her threatening stance by grabbing her wrists and pulling them to her side, having no difficulty in subduing her. The hatred slowly dwindled away from her gaze, being filled with the sudden urge to give into her depression. She leaned forward onto his chest and cried, "Why should I do everything I can to save this galaxy when I can't even save the love of my life?"

"Life will never be fair. I cannot allow you to die inside, Siha. No one can replace Garrus, much like no one can replace Irikah, but we must continue living."

Thane released her wrists and wrapped him arms around the Commander, embracing her tightly as she sobbed loudly into his chest.

"I feel like I just broke into a million pieces with no one there to help put me back together. Half the pieces are missing, he took them when he died… and I can never be whole again. I have no one. I am again alone in the world."

"At this moment, we have each other. One day we will join our beloved, I assure you. We cannot change the past… But we need you to save our future."

"But I cannot do this without him!" she bellowed, clenching her fingers against Thane's jacket. "I need him… I'll do anything to have him back in my life. Just to feel his touch, hear his voice, experience his love."

"Shepard."

She could hear his voice calling her name. It sounded so vivid… like he was right there by her side.

"Shepard."

The disembodied voice summoned her again. Startled by how great his voice was ringing out, she looked at the drell standing in front of her and noticed how he was slowly disappearing. The area around her quickly became blurry. A blinding light filled the room and erased everything. All that remained was the silhouette of a little child. Shepard couldn't recognize them. They had a shape similar to a turian… but something was different, it had humanistic qualities. The child's hand reached out towards the Commander and whispered, "Wake up, mommy."

"Reby!"

Shepard bolted upright in her bed, gasping for any bit of air. Feeling like someone dug their fingers into her chest and violently pulled out her heart. Her vision was blurry from all the tears that welled up in her eyes. Trying to regain her composure, she took a few deep breaths as she surveyed her surrounding. The first thing that came into focus was the glowing light from the fishtank in her quarters. Her eyes dashed over to see the other side of her bed… scared of the outcome. A sense of relief consumed her when she noticed the turian sitting beside her, his tender blue eyes filled with concern.

It was a bad dream… another nightmare. They were becoming more frequent. Mostly she had dreams where it ends in her death but this one tugged the strings of her heart. To Shepard, dying is not the ultimate sacrifice, it's letting someone you love die. The Reapers were going to do everything they could to destroy her and the most effective way would be to take away the last good thing she has… her bondmate. Harbinger tried it before by going after Kaidan on Horizon and he is bound to do it again. Every single person Shepard knew was in great peril… and there was nothing she could do about it.

She quickly wrapped her arms around Garrus and squeezed her body tightly against his. The warmth of his torso comforted her as she nuzzled her cheek against his collar. Desperately struggling to hold back the tears, she muttered, "Garrus… you can't die on me. Please don't ever die."

His held the shattered woman close, rubbing his hand against her back, "You had another bad dream?"

"Yes."

"Its okay, Reby, I'm here for you."

She didn't respond... she clung onto him harder. Bound and determined to never let go. A single tear drop crept down her cheek and pattered against the bed sheets. Shepard couldn't even bear the thought of losing Garrus. He was the only thing holding together and she was ready to do whatever it takes to guarantee his survival.