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DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi, just the made up character of Karen Hogart.

Chapter Four: Heartbreak and Heartache

May 2001
Alex: 12
Jay: 14

Alex didn't see Jay for a whole week after the spazzy incident at the ravine. She didn't see him at school, maybe he wasn't going, maybe it was because they'd stopped running in the same circles. She didn't know if he was avoiding her, or if she was subliminally avoiding him, but either way, it was a whole eight days later before they made any sort of contact.

Alex and Jay ran into each other in the trailer park. It was Friday evening, dusk. There were no other people around. It was like a ghost town.

"I'm sorry for being so dumb the other day. At the ravine." Alex began confidently.

"Whatever. It's nothin'." Jay mumbled almost illegibly in his indistinguishable low tone. He wasn't a great one for talking to or apologizing to, for that matter.

"It was... it wasn't me. If you know what I mean." Alex was beating around the bush now, and any confidence she had earlier had melted away.

"Yeah, sure." Jay said breezily. "Wait, what?" He snapped back to reality when he realized he didn't have clue what Alex was talking about.

"Well, I... you know." Alex said vaguely. She really didn't want to tell Jay this. She wished he'd stop being such a tool and figure out what she was trying to say.

Jay widened his eyes and shook his head, still horrifically oblivious to what Alex was trying to explain to him.

"Jay, I got my period." Alex said, looking over his shoulder at the leafy backdrop. There was no way she could've said that sentence whilst looking him in the eye.

"Oh! Oh, OK!" Jay clapped a hand to his forehead awkwardly and darted his eyes to the scenery behind Alex's head. He was mentally cringing inside. Any mention of anything like that made him stutter and falter like a fool, and he knew it.

Alex laughed at Jay's panic stricken facial expression. It was like she'd asked him to go buy her tampons, or something. "Relax, Jay. It's not a major issue. In fact, it's not an issue at all."

"OK. Good. I'm glad." Jay could feel his face burning up. His heart was picking up pace and he couldn't control it. He was rambling, and he was so aware of it.

"Wanna do something? I promise I won't act a freak. In front of your friends." She spat out her sentenced through her teeth. She was going to have to try hard.

"Sure. Why not? Come round tomorrow night, 7.30, OK?" Jay offered.

"Cool. I'll see ya." Alex ditched before she could say or do anything else embarrassing.

"Ha! So much for avoiding Jay and getting new friends." Alex thought to herself on the walk home. It was a muggy, humid Friday night and most of the trailers were open with the occupants sat outside enjoying ice cold refreshing alcoholic beverages.

The shiny cans caught Alex's eye as she passed. Her trailer was the only one in the middle row that wasn't lit up. Her mom and Nathaniel were out. Emily didn't think twice about leaving twelve year old Alex home alone. Sometimes Alex wondered why her mom was ever allowed to be a parent. It was a bad thing to wonder of you own mother, but it was even worse to think that it was true, and other people thought it too.

Saturday Night.

Alex arrived five minutes early. No-one was about. Just Jay. And her. Half an hour later, no-one else. Another half hour, no-one else. "Uh, Jay? Is anyone else coming?" Alex inquired, looking around the empty room, expecting people to suddenly spring from behind the furniture like at a surprise party. "Uh, no." Jay admitted. "I didn't tell them about this... get together." He said sheepishly.

"So, what does that mean?" Alex asked warily.

"I didn't invite them. Cos I knew last time you freaked out. And I'm sorry, OK?" Was Jay showing a soft side here? Oh my God! "I didn't think. I never think." Jay insulted himself, for some reason.

"It's OK." Alex was worried now that Jay's apology made her sound naïve, needy and lame.

"Can I?" Alex leaned forward and picked up the smoking joint. She twirled it around in her fingers, waiting for Jay's approval. She had to prove to Jay she was grown up and this was just step one.

"Sure. Knock yourself out." Jay said, not meaning it quite literally. He raised his eyebrows and smirked the famous Hogart smirk as Alex took her first ever hit on a joint.

"The first of many." Alex said as clouds of smoke floated out of her mouth. "For a first-timer she ain't that bad." Jay reviewed the situation.

"Yeah, Alex that's the finest green this side of Toronto, OK? Don't go too mad. I've gotta get you home to your mom in one piece." Jay snatched the joint from her lips as she took a fourth toke, and placed it back in the ashtray.

"Bullshit." Alex scoffed. "Like she's even gonna be conscious when I get home!" She said in bitter reference to her alcoholic mom. She snaked out her arm to grab the joint again, but Jay slapped her hand away.

"Alex, seriously man. Take it easy. I know your out to prove something, but this ain't the way to go about it! You're not even thirteen yet! There's time for all this!"

Alex laughed right out in Jay's face. "Wow." She said, a wicked glint appearing in her eye.

"What?" Jay asked shortly.

"I never thought you'd be the one to point me in the right direction." Alex joked, the grin still fixed to her face.

"This isn't right for you, Alex! Your just a little kid!" Jay argued, despairing that Alex couldn't see the truth.

"No!" Alex hollered defiantly. "I'm not a kid!"

"You're twelve!" Jay said volting off the couch and pacing uncertainly.

"I'll be thirteen in four months!" Alex pointed out, desperate to keep Jay. "There's not even that much between us."

Jay span around and swiped his hat off his head in anger. "Yes there is, Alex! I can't be with you, if that's what your getting at! You're not even a teenager, it's too fucking sick!"

"God, don't flatter yourself, JJ!" Alex couldn't help but use his old name. "I don't fucking have a crush on you, asshole!" Alex leaped up off the couch as it was on fire and ran to the door, flying past Jay like a whirlwind.

Jay watched her go, but he didn't go after her. She wasn't worth it. He threw his hat across the room. He didn't know why, he just did. It hit the edge of the end table and knocked a glass off the side.

Shards of glistening glass scattered everywhere, embroidering the rug like diamonds.

He didn't bother cleaning it up. He just moved the end table over it. The table was now in the middle of the walk way toward the bathroom. But Jay didn't care.

He didn't seem to care about anything,

Those were the words his mom used two days later when she found the glass under the table. Karen used the shit with Jay's dad as the reason for Jay's change in attitude. But that wasn't the case. Alex was weighing heavy on his mind. They'd always been friends, but now things were different. "She's only freakin' twelve!" Jay thought to himself. "If she was two years older, maybe..." Jay cursed himself for thinking it. It didn't matter how old she was. It was too weird, they'd known each other since they were in diapers. It would be like dating his sister. If he had a sister.

Alex's Place

Alex cried into her pillow that night. She never cried. She was usually such a strong person, even through all the shit that her mom put her through, she never shed any tears.

But she still found herself crying over a guy. It wasn't even her guy. It was just a guy. But that didn't alter that fact that she had feelings for him. Feelings that weren't returned.

September 2001
Alex: 13
Jay: 14

Tolerated. They'd tolerated each other since the ruckus that dreadful Saturday night bought. Alex was now officially a teenager, and she had to admit that it felt no different than when she was twelve. For the past four months, Jay had been bordering on unbearable. He'd stopped coming over, he didn't really communicate with her in school, if he ever saw her. If they happened to be in the same vicinity at the same time, Jay would make eye contact for a brief moment, then drop his gaze again.

Although he didn't speak to her, that didn't mean he didn't want to. If she was trying to get his attention, make him realize what a mistake he was making by letting her go, then it was certainly working. He noticed the transformation she'd undergone. She'd grown her hair, he reckoned. Maybe that how long it really was out of that scraggly bun she'd rocked for three years. A little bit of make up soon became lots of make up; big black eyes and bronzed cheeks, glossy lips and enough perfume to sink the Titanic again.

Grade eight was a whole new start for Alex. No more being the little naïve kid that no-one noticed. She was ready to take the world by storm with her new found attitude and confidence.

Everything was going great for Alex, but Jay's life was dwindling. He felt like things needed spicing up. But what happened in mid October, just three weeks in the future, was definitely not his idea of "spicing up".

October 2001
Alex: 13
Jay: 14

Something awful happened. It was Tuesday evening, no later than 8pm and the sun was just dipping over the horizon. Totally picturesque, but Jay sensed something wasn't quite right. He'd never forget that day: Tuesday October 9th 2001...

Jay's mom died.

Oooh! There's chapter four a little later than anticipated but I was adding to it, editing it and proof reading it late into the night, then fell asleep, and had to upload it at the first opportunity, which would be now!

Hope you liked this chapter. Alex is finally getting her groove on but Jay's life has come crashing down around him. I may steal that line for the next chapter, hehe!

Thanks for all the great reviews, they mean so much to me! Keep reading and reviewing, and keep your eyes peeled for chapter five coming soon to a computer screen near you!