In case there's any confusion, "- - - - - " signifies a change in scene but it's still linked to the previous one, whereas a line break means a whole different new scene.

I don't know if hospitals in the US/Canada have smoking decks, or even more so if they have multiple smoking decks, but in my hospital they do, k? :D

I don't know if anyone will get the obscure Run DMC reference near the end that Jay says, but the exact phrase he uses is something I say myself in real life on a regular basis, so I felt like throwing it in there! :D

On a serious note... Cutting is a really sensitive subject, I know that guys. I have some experience of it, but I tried my best to portray this realistically, so I hope it's OK. Please guys, review the chapter, I love to know what people think.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!

Apologize – OneRepublic ft. Timberland

April 2002
Alex: 13
Jay: 15

This was the only pain she could actually control. She had no control over her dad's wellbeing in Afghanistan. She couldn't control the amount of vodka and gin that her mom consumed on a nightly basis. She couldn't stop the narrow minded jerks from hurling abuse at her because of her individuality. But this kind of pain, she could control this. When she first started doing it, it was hard. It was difficult to get a good enough grip of the blade in her sweaty, trembling hand. It was difficult to cut the skin and draw blood, because she was a novice. She fully expected to get caught, and then never do it again. But almost six months later, she was still doing it. Sure, now she'd been found out and she'd have to stop. Maybe she didn't want to. She wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to get found out and have to stop, or if she wanted to keep it her "dirty little secret" so to speak, that she could escape to when this life became too much. She remembered vaguely sitting slumped in the ravine, her head was light and airy like a cloud. Her arm felt heavy as the loss of blood began to make her dopey. She was sure she could hear Alex's voice. And soon, a guy's voice. It wasn't her Sean though. Alex was arguing quite aggressively with this boy, whoever he was. Her surroundings were different from a moment ago. She wasn't outdoors at the ravine anymore. She was lying under hot fluorescent yellow lights, a consistent beeping in the background keeping her from going insane. She cracked open her eyes, and took a moment to adapt to the harsh light. Finally, familiar people! Not the devils and minors from her nightmares. Alex and Jay! That's why she could hear their voices. She wasn't going mad after all. She wasn't dead, either...

Sean was the first person to race to Ellie's bedside, followed by Alex. Jay hung around behind the action, not wanting to interfere. It was obvious he wasn't wanted here, so he used the drama distraction to sneak out undetected.

"Ellie! El, oh my God, don't ever do that again!" Sean grabbed her hand. She smiled weakly up and allowed him to clutch her hand.

"Alex, how long..." She didn't conclude.

"Like six hours. Jesus, Ellie, you scared the shit out of us!" Alex said fiercely, but that was just a mask, hiding her pain. Alex was too used to seeing the people she cared about lying inches from death in a hospital bed, but each time it never got any easier.

"Sorry." Ellie's eyes were shut, and her free hand was clamped to her head, her visible facial features twisted into a pained expression.

"Don't be. I'm sorry." Alex muttered. It didn't sound forced. Jay, who was stood outside the door listening to the proceedings was shocked to hear Alex apologizing, and sounding so sincere with it.

"I thought I was gonna lose ya, El." Sean whispered hoarsely. Alex heard every word though.

"You won't get rid of her that easily." Alex quipped, smirking so that Ellie would know she wasn't serious. Sean looked up at her and Alex was shocked to see he had tears in his eyes.

- - - - -

Jay paced up and down the hall, feeling way too restless and antsy to sit down. He didn't like being ignored, and that was exactly what Alex had done as soon as Ellie had woken up. But that was just him being selfish, he knew that. But that didn't stop the feelings, no matter how bad he felt. A few times, he thought he could sense Alex stood behind him, but every time he spun around, there was no-one there.

- - - - -

It didn't take Sean long to start smothering Ellie in kisses. Alex took a step back at that point and flashed a look through the glass portal in the door to see if Jay was still out there, but from her vantage point, she couldn't see him. She wondered if he'd gone or stayed.

"Sean, oh my God, quit it!" Ellie shrieked, howling with laughter.

"I just got you back, I don't wanna ever lose you!" Sean said, all syrupy and romantically.

"Yeah, exactly, she just woke up, give her a second to breathe." Alex spoke up maliciously.

There was an awkward few seconds while her biting words were processed, then Sean turned around and shot her a bitter glare.

She sighed reluctantly, knowing what she'd just said was wrong. "Sorry, I didn't mean that."

Alex needed to get out of there. Their sickeningly sweet loveydovey shit was too much for her. She was too mad at Jay to appreciate two people in love. She wanted to wring his neck 98 of the time, but when it came down to it, she was a little upset that he wasn't here with her right now. "I'm gonna go to... the vendor." Alex made up an excuse to leave, but neither Sean nor Ellie really acknowledged her departure.

She didn't go to the vendors. For one thing, she had no money. She stalked around the hospital, not admitting to herself she was looking for Jay. He had to be here somewhere, she doubted he'd walk all the way here just to turn around and go straight back home again. Ha, home. He didn't have a home. She stood on the fourth floor smoking deck, and fished her last cigarette out of the pack and lit it solemnly. The taste of cigarettes reminded her of Jay. When he caught her off guard with a kiss she could taste it, but strangely it didn't repulse her. It was more comforting than anything else.

Jay stood on the third floor smoking deck, breathing in the killer smoky air wishing he hadn't smoked his last cigarette on the way to Sean's house. He looked out over the edge and thought about jumping. He never considered suicide for a moment, never had, but he did think about Sean's girlfriend lying in the hospital. Jumping from buildings was a way that people killed themselves, right? Like that Ella girl, or whatever the hell her name was. She tried to kill herself by butchering up her arm. How the hell could someone do something like that to themselves? He sighed loudly and headed back inside.

- - - - -

Alex was only back at the room ten minutes before a hospital porter came around to tell her and Sean visiting hours were up. After about ten minutes of waiting, Alex finally managed to pry Sean away from Ellie.

They stepped outside the room, initially unaware that a familiar figure was watching them. Jay waited with baited breath as his friend and his... his Alex walked past him.

Alex noticed Jay out of the corner of her eye. He was stood in the shadows, she barely noticed him.

Jay clung to his last hope that Alex would come back to him. He needed to prove to her he'd changed and he was worth getting a second chance, but he couldn't do that unless she was willing to take him back.

"If she's hangs back, then you're still tight." Jay said to himself as Alex and Sean walked slowly away from him.

Jay was about to give up all hope when he noticed Alex slow down. She touched Sean's arm and he turned as she muttered something to him. Sean nodded and carried on walking. Alex slowly approached him, looking uncomfortable.

She stood before him, wanting him to speak first. They stood in awkward silence for what seemed like light years, before Alex unwillingly spoke first. "Have you lost your voice?"

"No. I just don't know what to say."

"That's gotta be a first. Jay Hogart, speechless."

"Yeah, maybe it is."

"I suppose I need to apologize."

"You shouldn't suppose anything. You should know what you did and know how to make up for it."

"I know that I miss you."

"Do you?" Alex asked skeptically.

"Yes!" Jay exclaimed restlessly.

"Prove it." Alex issued him.

Jay did the only thing he knew, he leaned forward and kissed her. She let his tongue into her mouth and she didn't push him away. He couldn't deny that he missed this.

"How was that?" He asked, when he realized he'd been lost in this kiss for longer than he could count. Alex wanted to be mad at him for looking so smug, but those enchanting blue eyes were hypnotizing.

"I guess... it was good."

"You guess?!" Jay gasped in mock devastation. Alex could only smile.

"But..." Alex started to say.

"But? What but?"

"Jay, I'm not eleven anymore. You can't go around acting like you know everything and I'm just some sad little loser who doesn't get it." Alex jibed cuttingly.

"I don't think that!" Jay scoffed, touching her shoulder lightly.

Alex moved away from his touch and looked at him skeptically. "Well, I think you do."

"I miss us, Lex. We made a mean team." Jay smiled, quoting Run DMC lyrics.

"Don't throw 80's rap in my face and call it an apology!" Alex shouted, but she smiled slightly as she spoke. She just couldn't keep the grin from her face, even though she bit the inside of her cheek to try in vain to keep a straight face.

"Lexi, what happened, or nearly happened, with Ella-"

"It's Ellie, Jay!" Alex cried out in desperation. How many times did he need to be told?

"OK! Sorry. It's made me realize life's too short to fuck around, messing things up, being an idiot and..."

"Jay is this your twisted way of apologizing?" Alex interrupted, the look on her face unreadable.

"Yeah..." Jay said sheepishly. Jay, who was looking at the floor up until this point, looked up at Alex, who's death stare was actually melting away by the second. It was like a miracle!

"Well, you do this to me again and I swear I'll rip your-"

"OK! Cool!" Jay winced. "That'll do, I get it!"

"Good!" Alex let Jay pull her into a bear hug. He held his breath, wondered whether he should risk it, then thought fuck it! He kissed her again. And she kissed him back. Again.

Please review with your utmost genuine, honest opinions. I can handle it! Thanks guys!