A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. They really make my day. There's a poll on my profile, so if you'd like to go and vote for what you'd like the title to be, that would be much appreciated. The winner of the title competition will be announced in the next chapter!
Time passes, even when it seems impossible. People move on, relationships change and wounds heal. Change becomes the only constant in life. Nothing lasts forever. Time comes in and sweeps everything out from underneath you.
Nothing is forever.
She knows that more than anyone. Her idea of forever was snatched from her within moments, and time has continued to pass, even though it feels like she's stuck in that night.
She tries now – tries to put a smile on her face, tries to hang out with Santana, Brittany and Quinn as if her past didn't happen. She acts like she wasn't the girl who lost everything in a rush of flames, and she pretends that it's because she doesn't want them to feel sympathy for her but really, it's because she doesn't want to dwell on it.
But after the weekend away, she's found it harder and harder to focus on the present. The smell of petrol haunts her, and nightmares plague her, and no matter how hard she focuses on other things, it doesn't help.
She feels like she's permanently stuck in that night and it's slowly killing her.
She relies on her acting skills more and more these days so that no one will notice that anything's wrong. She wakes up and plasters a smile on her face before waking Brittany up so that the blonde won't notice that anything is different. She focuses on Santana every time they go to coffee together, making it impossible for the Latina to ask her any questions about how she's doing. She waves at Quinn each time she sees her, fighting the urge to beg her to share how she managed to move on.
She eats pizza with Mike and Matt and plays old video games whenever they ask her to, and she doesn't talk about personal issues with them. She makes it clear that the topic is out of bounds.
The only one not playing by the rules is Puck.
He's supposed to remain on the fringes of her life. They're supposed to be friendly when the whole group is together and they're supposed to have each other's backs in case of emergency, but that's it. They're supposed to be acquaintances at most, but he seems intent on shaking everything up.
He keeps trying to test their friendship. He asks her to ball-games or asks if she wants a tour of the city. He invites her out for coffee or to lunch, and she's running out of excuses for why she can't see him.
It's a Saturday when she finally caves. He asks if she wants to go out for lunch and she has to agree because Brittany is standing next to her, practically radiating joy.
That's how she finds herself sitting opposite Puck in a restaurant on Saturday afternoon, trying her best to avoid eye contact.
"We've been friends for a while now Rachel, right?" he asks as soon as he sits down, not even bothering with small talk.
She just nods in response, fidgeting awkwardly as she tries to figure out a way to get out of this lunch without being painstakingly obvious. She doesn't hate Puck... he just seems to be able to read her better than anyone else and that terrifies her because she can't let anyone see through her mask.
They all think she's doing so well – Brittany's stopped hovering and Santana's a little more relaxed now – but truth be told, she's doing horribly. Last night, her dream involved marrying Finn and she watched their whole life unfold in front of her, only to have it snatched away when the alarm went off. Ever since that weekend away, her family have been present in every single waking moment, and she can't escape them.
"And friends tell each other things, right?" he continues, ignoring the fact that she clearly doesn't want to talk.
"I guess so", she says in response, her eyes still not looking at him. Her fingers pull at the table cloth, nervously unwinding a thread that's poking out a little. She doesn't like where this conversation is going.
"So why don't you tell me what the hell is going on in your head? You may think that you're a great actress Rachel, but I can see straight through you"
She's silent for a moment as his words sink in before anger rises in her chest. "Why do you think you're such an expert on me? We have nothing in common Puck, and I'm sick of you acting like you know me so well... you know nothing about me"
"I know more than you think", he reminds her, his eyes focusing on her as he waves away the waiter who keeps appearing to take their orders.
"Only because you researched me", she growls, her eyes narrowing in distaste as she remembers how he went behind her back and found out everything.
"I thought we'd moved past that Rachel. Fuck, you said you accepted my apology and that you'd like to be friends. How long are you going to hold that over my head?" he replies, his hands clenched as he tries to push away his anger.
"I have forgiven you, I just want you to realize that you know nothing about me", she responds, her eyes meeting his.
"I know that you try and hide how you're feeling, but that everything is shown thrown your eyes. I know that you pick the pepperoni off your pizza and eat it after you've finished because that's your favourite part. I know that you consider Santana to be your closest friend here because you always perk up when she's around, and I know that you hate letting Brittany down and that's the only reason why you're eating lunch with me today", he rambles, his smirk growing every time she flinches at his accuracy. "And I know that we could be great friends if you let us"
"We are friends", she reminds him, her voice triumphant as she thinks she's won.
"Not proper friends. You're friends with Britt, San, Matt, Mike... hell, you've even got something shaky going on with Quinn, but you refuse to hang out with me one-on-one"
She opens her mouth to respond but her ringtone cuts her off as her phone vibrates in her pocket. "I'm sorry, I have to take this", she says softly as she recognises Santana's ring tone. Santana knew she was out with Puck and she wouldn't interrupt unless it was really important.
Santana [1.46pm]: I know you're busy but I just spoke to Matt. Would really appreciate it if you could meet me at the dorm room.
Santana [1.47pm]: Bring vodka.
"I'm sorry... it's Santana. She really needs me" she says apologetically. She knows that he probably thinks she organised this so that she'd have a get-out clause but she can't bring herself to care. Santana's been there for her every single time she needs her and she's going to do the same for her.
"Rachel, if you're trying to get out of here, you can just admit it. I'm not gonna hold a grudge", he teases, his tone light but his eyes serious.
"I promise that I'm not just trying to get out of here. Santana spoke to Matt today and she really needs me right now" she explains, her eyes searching his face to see if he believes her. The relief that spreads across his face shows that he honestly does believe that Santana needs her, and for some unknown reason, she feels kind of glad.
"Raincheck then?" he asks. He sounds confident but she can see a flicker of uncertainty and she gets a sudden urge to reassure him.
"Sure, why not?" she teases. "Your company isn't that bad... in fact, Mike and I were planning on playing vintage video games tonight... do you want to join us?"
He's silent for a moment but she doesn't hold it against him. He's clearly surprised at her change of mood, and to be honest, she is too. She guesses it's her desire to help people that look a little lost resurfacing, and she remembers with a grimace the amount of times that got her into trouble during high school.
"Sure, why not?" he repeats. "It could be fun. I'll see you tonight then?" he questions and she nods in response before grabbing her bag and rushing out the door.
She has no idea where the nearest liquor store is so she stops off at the supermarket and buys twelve different containers of ice-cream, hoping that Santana likes at least one of them.
She has no choice but to take a taxi home. She and Puck walked to the restaurant but her ice-cream detour means Santana's already been waiting for twenty minutes and she doesn't want to keep her waiting for another twenty as she walks home. Plus, she doesn't want the hundred dollars worth of ice-cream to melt during the walk home, because she's fairly sure Santana wouldn't be too thrilled with ice-cream mush.
God, she's probably already going to be annoyed because she didn't bring vodka.
She debates asking the taxi driver to turn around and find a liquor store but her mouth seems to be glued shut and her hands are trembling too much for her to gesture for him to pull over. Her phone goes off again, and she shakily reads the message, her hand clenching around the phone.
Santana [2.20pm]: Where are you? I've found some booze under Britt's bed so don't bother stopping off for any. I've started drinking without you though, so you better hurry.
Santana [2.21pm]: Stop at a supermarket instead. I have a craving for ice-cream.
Chuckling at her friend's predictable cravings, she slides her phone back into her pocket and anxiously looks for the NYU campus. It really shouldn't be taking this long for them to get there – god, it only takes twenty minutes to walk, so why is it taking so long to drive?
She closes her eyes and tries to drown out the sound of traffic. Her head's pounding and the ice-cream is making her legs cold. She knew she shouldn't have gone out today... if she had just stayed in bed, none of this would have happened.
A flicker of light flashes in front of her eyes, and she flinches a little. It's bright and hurting her eyes but at the same time, she can't get rid of it. She tries shaking her head but it just flickers on. The taxi hits a pothole and she jumps a little, and the light turns orange.
Her hands feel warm and her back starts to itch. She forces her eyes open but she can still feel the heat, and her ears are filled with screams.
Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us?
Finn's voice fills her head, and it gets louder and louder as he's joined by Tina, then Kurt and finally Artie, all of them asking why she didn't save them.
Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us? Why did you get out? Why did we burn?
Her phone vibrates in her pocket again and again, as Santana's ringtone goes off. She's obviously calling to find out where she is, but she can't move her hands to pick it up. Everything feels so warm, and it keeps getting warmer.
When the car gets unbearably hot, the taxi pulls to a halt and the driver tells her that they've arrived. She shakily hands over the money and clambers out the car, her hands gripping the bag of ice-cream in an effort to cool them down.
She walks to the dorm room and Santana practically pounces on the bag as soon as she walks inside, her hands going straight for the cookies and cream ice-cream.
"I know you were busy but Britt's out with Mike and I really needed to talk to someone", Santana rambles as she searches for a spoon. Luckily, Brittany keeps a packet of plastic spoons in her bedside table in case of emergencies, and Santana quickly starts spooning ice-cream into her mouth.
"It's fine Santana... what happened?"
"Matt called me this morning and asked if we could talk. Naturally, I said yes, because it's been almost a month since our break-up and we've just been avoiding each other instead of actually dealing with the issue. I mean, it's been awkward as hell sharing the same apartment as him... most nights, he crashes in his office or I sleep here, so I thought it'd be good for us to finally resolve things"
"And how did that go?"
"Well, he asked to get back together, and I had to tell him that I thought it was best if we stayed broken up because we had clearly outgrown the relationship"
"What did he say to that?"
"He protested at first, but when I said that I was more relieved than upset, he admitted that he felt similar. He said that he still loved me, but ever since his one night stand, he'd been so caught up in trying to keep it a secret that he hadn't put as much effort into our relationship, and I admitted that it felt like I'd been drifting away for a while. We're going to try and be friends though", she adds hopefully.
She continues on her tangent, talking about how she's sure it will be difficult at first but that she's sure they'll be able to get past it because they were friends first, and all their friends are still friends, but she's no longer listening.
Her back still itches from the heat and she can still see that flicker of light flashing in front of her every time she closes her eyes. She can still remember the sound of their voices in her head, and heart is pounding loudly in her chest – she's honestly surprised that Santana can't hear it.
Their words keep flying around her mind and no matter how hard she tries to ignore them; they are still there – still flying around, still begging her to notice them.
Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us? Why did you get out? Why did we burn?
A/N #2: This will be the last guessing game for a while so that I can focus extensively on this story, as well as the one-shot's that I owe people. So, the question is: what do you think is wrong with Rachel?
Also, if you don't mind, could you please tell me in your review if you are getting bored of this story, or if you think it should draw to a close soon? It would be much appreciated, because while I love writing it, I don't want you guys to get bored and stop reading. Look forward to hearing from you!